Thursday, April 29, 2004

Alright well things just haven't been going my way lately.... at all. First of all, I got caught on Monday for smoking from my step mom. She was appalled to even think that I did that kind of stuff... oops. I know it may mean nothing now, but I really have to stop smoking that stuff... except for on special occasions.

Anyway, I guess that incident brought on her fierce words that she spit on me tonight. After having a calm conversation about where I'm at as far as school goes and making the right decisions, I go downstairs and keep my peace. However, my sister brings the drama as my parents get more upset. My step mom comes downstairs and starts off by saying to me, "you know what? I have a great idea. Why don't you and your sister both just move out and live with your step dad. That will make everything better ... but since you won't do that anyway, I'm leaving." She goes on by saying that this past year has been hell for her and she thinks I might have a mental problem because I drink and sometimes smoke. Oh and I lied to her, well didn't tell her the whole truth one night and she uses it against me. She even told me that she's not paying for any of my college so I mind as well go to BCC. I mean I might have considered that if I didn't go through the whole college application process! Then she goes on by saying, "And I've tried my best being a mother and giving you clothes, but you just disrespect me anyway...." blah blah... Not ONCE have I done a mother-daughter type of thing with her, unless you count visiting WWU. But it's been almost a year and a half and I've had a relationship with her where she just enforces her rules and I end up getting more of her yelling and bitching at me. I've tried to play her game, but I can see that she tries to control me, my sister, even my dad WAY too much. I've heard too many nasty words from her to be able to love her anymore. I don't feel anything from her right now except for her bringing my life down and miserable. I wish I could say something nice about her but she really doesn't deserve it, she isn't even my mother to begin with.

Then my dad... poor thing I truly care for him because I know that he really just wants to make things work out. He gets frustrated at me sometimes over simple things like rolling my eyes or having an "attitude," but he's always sympathetic when I need him most. After I told my dad that my step mom caught me coming home high, he just started laughing and took the situation lightly. Now, I can see he took some of Heather's words in and is coming down on it. But, besides all of that, he gives me rides whenever I need them almost every time, he supplies me with money and a cell phone. He's always wanting to go to a movie with me so I know that he's trying to be the real parent. That's why I respect him and love him.

Ahhh ... My life just feels like a wreck right now. I am so lost on what exactly I'm going to do in a few months. It just feels like I need to do so many things and then I get the stress from my parents, as well as school and water polo. I have to complete and turn in the rest of my community service hours, I need to get a job soon and start making my own money, I have AP tests coming up next week, along with school that's kickin my ass right now. I just feel lost and a bit unloved right now. My sister is pissed at me for some stupid reason and my step mom hates me right now so I guess I've just gotten piled up with all this shit and I need to start emptying it all out.

The only thing that's really been helping me get through a lot of this shit is water polo. I'm beginning to love this sport and become a really good player. I guess it's sort of therapeutic for me because I'm able to let my frustration and anger out and learn how to deal with it by swimming and staying in shape. We just had a game today, and my cute swim coach broke his watch because he was so excited from the shot I made in the goal. I was pretty happy about that. I guess water polo just helps me forget about all my worries and things that have been bringing me down to be a better player in the pool.

I guess writing in here helps me out a lot too. So does sleeping....... better get my sleep in for the night.

~BB

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Ahhh this weekend was insane. After a brutal and exciting game on friday night for water polo, I cleaned up and kicked it with homies on the kirkland strip. That night I got piss drunk and I was passed out until 7:30 the next morning! I just crept in the house and walked quietly to my bedroom where I could change and pretend like I was sleeping in my bed the whole night. An hour later I have to go to a fundraiser for polo. funnn... I didn't feel quite to good from the night before and I was pulling weeds early the next morning... not so cool. Anyway, After all that fun stuff, I get ready and kick it with a few peeps and get blazed before the night starts. Later, I go to this party in redmond. The kid having it was hella weird but the house was chill. I was having an awesome time until a fight broke out between two people I'm chill with. grrr but then after that deal of running around after leaving the house in redmond, some of us go kick it at slim's house. Didn't come home until about 5:30 the next morning.

So, I thought I would have to have told my step mom where I was going and when I was coming home, but I didn't neither nights, and came home at an incredibly late time. She seemed pretty nice about it too. No questions, no guilt, no worries I guess. Wow I like my dad being gone sometimes because I'm getting a whole lot of freedom. When I'm 18 in less than a month I hope it will get better though.

Today, I woke up late since I went to bed late. I cleaned up, and then went out for the rest of the day to go kick it at clyde beach for a little bit and then dollar's house for a little as well. Once again, it's another weekend of not even touching my backpack.

Back to that game on friday. My coach said that this last water polo game we had on friday was one of the most entertaining games he's seen. The game went into double-overtime and they ended up winning. I know, tragic. We should have definitely won this game though. I know this because we didn't follow through with some of the shots we made when we should have. I wanted it so badly though that night. The coach was like, "Watch for mikaela, she seems to be the one with the most energy tonight." Maybe the smoke session unlfluenced me alittle, but I was really in the zone to the point where I'm was going to give my complete all in order to win this game. It's a shame we didn't win, but I know we will soon be a very strong team and will be able to beat them at state no doubt.

Alright well I guess I should maybe see what homework I should cram to do in between classes tomorrow since I forgot completely about what I have to do for h dub with this crazy weekend ... alright have a great night to start the week off good!

~BB

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Alright ... So when I think the whole situation with my sister and the threatening and Tyler thing was over ... Apparently she still has grudges over me as some of you have read her profile. It really hurt me to see that because through this whole thing, I've been trying to stick up for my little sister and put people straight if they believed a rumor about her. She doesn't recognize this though and basically just thinks that I'm saying shit about her. I just don't understand how she can get so hateful towards me and I'm just trying to back her up. It's sad too because I've lived with her all her life and it's about to end in less than 5 months. I guess there's nothing I can really do about it at this point. All I know is that I'll always have a heart for my sister. She's just immature and naive at this age to the point where she doesn't give a shit about someone of her own blood. What she said in her profile hit me hard so I'm just trying to avoid her right now. I can't talk to her when she's trying to hurt me and use me. Not anymore though... Maybe I'm just trippin about something little, but it's hard when I see her every day.

Anyway, 4/20... Good times had my fun... I actually missed my practice to go chief! And I lied to my parents saying that I was going to practice... risky deal but it seemed to have worked. I felt not at ease though when my coach asked me if I had that day didn't have anything to do with not being at practice and I said "no" ... I hate the person I'm turning into. I don't know it's just not me to lie and cheat to be able to do what I wanted. I mean I could WHATEVER I wanted to in MN without the guilt but it's really taken it's turn here.

AHH and I feel like there is this gap in my life too. I was talking to one of my good friends and she has been going through rough times lately and was like "If my boyfriend wasn't there for me through everything, I don't think I would have made it." I don't have that, haven't ever really had that, but I know I have good friends to talk to and help get me through rough times... I guess it's just hard when I can't relate to someone. All I know is that, I'm waiting for that person to step up to the plate and take a swing and shoot for home... lol I'm such a nerd... I didn't know how to put it any other way, but you get my jiff.

Today was a joke basically for going to school. As most of you already know, but for some of you who don't, this week is messed up since 9th and 10th graders take test in the AM and I get to sleep in! So today I went to school at 10:40, went to photo and then signed out for the rest of the day to take my dad to the airport, which he will be staying in NY with my brother for the weekend to Monday. It's nice not having two heads controlling the house, but I still have my step mom on my back. She's easier as a parent though because she's naive and doesn't check up on me as much. So I guess I have it easier. After school, I made cookies for my polo team before the game against Newport. We lost but should have won. I think a lot of us were more focused on the players we were guarding because their team is really aggressive and can be sneaky and pull bitch moves at some points so I guess it was just hard to focus on the game itself. Plus the fact that the sun was glaring at the pool and it came to be hard to see. But we have a game tomorrow though at 7:45... pretty late, but I guess this game will determine if we go to state or not. If we lose, we will HAVE to spend a weekend trying to qualify for state by competing with other teams. So tomorrow will be a big day, but we still have a chance if we lose.

Well, I guess I better go pick my darling sister up from her practice... What a joy...

Feeling: alone... lonely... empty... overworked... mixed in with soreness ha ha

Have a good night everyone

~BB

Monday, April 19, 2004

Oh wow... Like I said on Thursday... Spring break just FLEW by. It's felt like I've been through a weekend but I've actually been through a week and 2 weekends. Shit ... It's been fun though. It's just hard because I sort of have this crush and it's always hard for me to get through it. This one just seems especially hard when it's just hard talking to the person because I know I like them and I think they know that too. I just don't know if they feel the same way so I'm not really doing anything about how I feel at this point. Basically, I just wait and see if they're noticeably attracted to me so I can decide at that point whether I like them or not. But just starting from the bottom and not knowing where it's going to go is just not my specialty I guess and it fuckin suckkks. But I guess if he isn't attracted to me or just doesn't like me then I just don't see the point in trying. I need SOMETHING to work with here!

Shit... I can't think about it too much or I'll just get sad knowing that I can't even approach him. ha ha it feels like I haven't done anything that I said I was going to do over break. Save a seat at WSU and get residency, get the rest of my community service, getting a job, get laid... yep none of that. It was like I woke up, ate, went out, came home late and ate, and slept and then did it all the next day. No time in this fucking world anymore... oh man though I'm just waiting for this summer where I don't have to worry about SHIT! Senior year has been coming on so hard though. I'm just trying to let it pass by without worry but I just end up having angry parents on my back and grades slipping so it makes me feel worse. I just need to start getting my shit together and do what I am supposed to do, which isn't exactly what I want to do. Wooow I've never really was like this with school until my senior year because back then I didn't do half the stuff I do now but I just felt TOO guilty if I didn't get what I was supposed to get done. These days I still feel guilty but I kick it with people a lot more so I just set my guilt aside until it starts building up like it is right now, that's when parents start nagging and grades start slipping. Damn I hope this is making sense. This is just where I am at right now. Last quarter of senior year... man this will be the truth coming up of what I HAVE to do.

Man I'm tired and out of words to say so see you all tomorrow when we're back in reality.... SCHOOL!

~BB

Thursday, April 15, 2004

ohhh man this whole spring break has been going by sooo fast! It's Thursday already and it feels like I just got on break. But it's been a lot of fun just kickin it every day and night and getting tipsy... oh man what a rush though. Last night was some filthy shit.. People planning how to ditch people going to this party because there was SO many people there already. I got there and had my share of fun then the cops showed up. Most of the people bounced even though nothing really happened, like the cop just said to keep it down and kick people out so it was all chill. I didn't get home until HELLA late ... My dad wanted me home at like 12 but I didn't actually show up until 3 ... It was chill though because I didn't get in any trouble... I don't think he knew what time I came back.. Which is definitely good. I guess I'm just slick like that in sneaking in and out of my house... Not to mention that it's too easy to pass up.

My break has been even better not having my step mom around. It's been hard to talk or just spend time with her. After she blew up at me and said some pretty heavy words, she may have not meant to be so mean but it really got to me. I just don't like being disrespected so badly from someone of the family. So I've just been neutral with her and let my dad do more of the parenting. I mean it is my fault for lying to them, but the only reason I did was because they don't agree with the things I do and lying seems to be the only way out. I know if I have to lie to someone we're not on the best relationship but at this point with my step mom, I really don't care that much unless she started healing the scars she made. I've been trying to be more honest though, but I still have to lie to them. Well I just say that I'm not about to be locked up in this house for telling my parents the truth about my life so I'm just living it day by day, being extra careful with them. I gotta have fun though right? shit live life to the fullest....

Alright well I guess I should be getting ready to leave this house because I don't like staying in it too long when I could be having more fun. Basically I just want to be able to have this house as a shelter for sleeping and eating ... The basics... I don't ask for muuch...

Have a great Thursday everyone... I know I'm gonna because it's SPRING BREAK!

~BB

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

This Wednesday, hump day, hasn't been too bad for me. First of all, my parents and I, EVEN MY SISTER, are getting along pretty well which is very hard for me to come by these days, especially all at once so this has been a thrill for me to get through every day, well at least today.

School was good. Not really any homework and it was an early release today so that was chill for sure. Except for Walters because she has this thing with giving homework EVERY fuckin day... whatever though I BS that shit all the time. Oh! I almost forgot that I got out of going to Walter's today because I was saved by a WSU rep that was at our school and wanted to talk to potentially future WSU students! Yep, I'm going there ... I just don't see myself going to western and plus I want to be in a sorority so it works out. Plus WSU has a kick ass pool and that's always good considering that the pool has been my second home these days.

I had a Water polo game today and we definitely kicked some major ass. And I even scored our team 3 points which was definitely invigorating and made meh feel all good ha ha.

After all that good stuff, I had some time to go shopping and got alot of new stuff. Now, I know it might not be the same for you boys but getting new clothes for us girls made me feel even better today. So I guess God decided to give me a break today from all the stress and drama. We'll see how it goes tomorrow...

DAMN... My dad is kickin off my internet access... well it's ok my night is still good! Hope you all had a GREAT HUMP DAY!

OH! Almost forgot... mdub23balla: lol gimme a shout out in thurr
miki birdy 04: ha ha aiight fasho .... So there ya go Marcus! You're hella chill.. we should kick it sometime ;) (if that's alright with my sister ha ha! jk)

~BB

Sunday, April 04, 2004

So I've definitely had a better weekend for once! I mean after my parents finding out that I lied to them and kept me locked up in this house for 2 weeks (well... not saying that I snuck out a little), I really was sincere about things getting better for me and them in the future. My dad was like, "so do you think she's still grounded or semi-grounded?" and my step mom was like "well I think she knows now that she learned her lesson and can make the right decisions so I would let her decide on that." What my step mom said made me feel like I actually did have some control over my life and that definitely made my weekend complete. So did I learn my lesson? Well, considering that I snuck out on Saturday night and I lied to my parents that I went shopping when really I drank it up and kicked it, I really do think I've learned my lesson... BE MORE CAREFUL! I just really don't want to have it bad with my parents right now so I'm just trying to be good for them so telling them the truth wouldn't be the best I don't think.

AHHH! I MOST DEFINITELY want to give a shout out to my girl, CHRISTINE, back in MN though because it's her 18 BIRTHDAY! woot woot... that means only a month and 20 days fo meh. Damn I cannot wait... But I love you stine you're mah girl.

As for college, I'm pretty much set to WSU... I'm pretty excited about that fasho... I'll be seeing a lot of familiar faces there so that'll be tight for sure.

Anywho... I NEED to get a fuckin JOB and make some money because I hate depending on these parents of mine and I just want to have it. It's a good feeling and I miss it... So if any of you fellow readers have anything in mind for jobs contact me.

Well I better get going on my homework... Even though I'm not going to get that far since its like what... 11pm already! Daylight savings time changes suck...

~BB

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Alright so apparently I'm STILL grounded because I haven't talked to my step mom about lying. grr I've wanted to talk to her but I'm always to worn out after practice and she doesn't usually get home until 8 or 9 anyway and when she is home she's on the phone or falls asleep early. SO really I just haven't had the opportunity to talk to her. Plus I guess I'm kind of intimidated to talk to her but I know she doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me until I do talk to her about me lying. Whatever though, I don't think my parents would let me out anyway because I have so many restrictions I have to abide by. I feel like my life is so controlled right now that I can't even make ANY of my own decisions these days. I've been thinking alot about just leaving and seeing what happens. I know I'm under 18, so if the police were involved I would be busted but once I turn 18 in may, how can they stop me then? If I just leave, it's not like they can be like "you're grounded" because there is no legal issues in the way anymore and they really don't have custody of me. The only thing I would feel bad about is that they are my home and that's the house I come back to that they provide me with. What I really want to do is rent an apartment for the summer with other people and not have to worry, but I wouldn't know who to ask and the money issue always seems to be a problem. That's another thing I don't like, depending on my parents for money and driving their car. I hate having that because I know they can always use that against me. I've decided to try and get a job as soon as I possible can so I can start gaining some currency in my name, not theirs.

AHH... it seems like I want to do soo much this summer but in order to do it I have to make some money. Like I want to go to Minnesota for at least two weeks, I really want to visit my good friend, sonia, in cali because I haven't seen that girl in so long and I've known her the longest out of all of my friendships (3rd grade baby!), I want to go to Oregon alot and visit my family there, oh and New York because my brother really wants me to see him. Dang, I really need to start saving money...

I just don't want to be here for the summer. I've been here long enough to where my parents can't stand me and think they can lock me up from everyone. I'm so sick of it and they need to know that I am going to have the same situations to deal with in college. They can't prevent it now when I'm about to be 18 and how of this hell hole. I just wish they could let me go and trust me on making the right decisions.

Whatever... right now I'm just trying to get by and do as they say. All I can say is that I won't be able to put up with it for much longer...

~BB