stupid fights in the summer heat...

Today is one of my days off this week. I just so happen to get a few less shifts for working as the weather gets hotter and more like summer. So, I've been out on a boat pretty much every day and then partying after. Today rolls around and I'm now beat and sore and tired. It feels good knowing I have nothing to do. After all the swimming and boating I've endured the last few days I can hardly move anyway.

In between all the fun, there always has to be alittle drama in my life. I got into a fight with my roommate, Sarah. She's really been irritating me lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Just the way she acts and her reactions to what I say tend to piss me off. Sometimes, she can really put people down, even people she doesnt even know. And other times she gets mad at me because she thinks I use her when I ask for a ride somewhere. However, I put money in her tank so that she can... And then sometimes she just is completely out of the party mood when we're all out so I feel like I have to cater to her and speak up for her so that she doesnt feel "left out." Thats really fuckin irritating sometimes man, especially when I just want mingle and have a good time. AND on top of that, she always wants to leave at the worst times... like when she sees me talking to someone or laughing and hanging out ... shes like "miki, I'm really tired can we just go?" and then if I dont want to go then and there she gets pissed at me. Lately, shes really been on the edge with me, and I don't know if shes in a good or bad mood sometimes. I have invited her with me on the boats this week and everywhere we go, because she doesnt know alot of people since she's lived here less than a year.

Yesterday, she wouldnt come get me as she was with MY sister and our good friend, and I was alllready in a shitty mood because of my allergiess and soreness so I told her "well, if you can't come and get me then I think I will just take the bus home ... but go have fun" and she probably thought I was saying that to make her feel guilty looking back, but thats all I really wanted to do. ANDREA decides to show up at my work and she ends up taking me to kirkland. We are all on the boat and me and sarah arent really talking to eachother. A while later, I ask my sister and her friend whats up with her, and they told me that she thinks I'm mad at her and I really shouldnt be because she drives me everywhere and blah blah. And I reacted saying she OFFERS rides and on top of that I pay for them. most of the time its not even out of her way. and then I told ally that I think shes being really edgy and needs to chill out because we're all having a good time... I just didnt know what to do.. and all of what I say gets redirected back to her. She then comes up to me and starts yelling at me and patting my shoulder and talking me down.... I jsut turned my head and was like "whoo hoo! dont really need to hear this right now!" If I reacted any other way I swear I just wanted to fuckin sock her. Anyway, AHHH thank god I got that out. now shes at work and I have nothing to worry about.

I think I am just going to clean the place up, which will get her in a better mood because I really dont want to deal with it today...

One of those days....

It's been a hard few weeks but I'm making it by and lifting myself up. Its just when certain things - even the smallest - dont go my way I break. I wish I could be strong right now. Thats how I've always been. However, the changing process of who I am and what I'm doing with my life seems to go by as if I'm walking on glass. I'm worn out, beat, and confused. Last night I tried to go out but it was one of those nights where nothing seemed to go my way and everyone was in pissy moods. One of my friends said something, which wasn't even that bad, but it still hurt my feelings and I had it... I anti-socialized (if thats even a word) myself into a dark room and called people that could make me feel better. Lately, joel has been pulling through as superman once again. He picked me up the next morning and drove me to where I needed to go. He's always so good to me and I feel shitty for being the person I was to him last summer. He always comes through and thats what I will always appreciate about him. I can't like him the way I used to though, because I'm distracted by you-know-who. I can't like anyone for that matter.

today is a better day . have to work later . and I have nooo clue what I'm doing after . it will probably be the reason for another journal entry though...

later thoughts

Letting go...

It seems like I only tend to write negativity in here but all the posivity in my life right now is either fake or an altered state of mind. I think I could be depressed if I didnt have people to turn to. I am living in a very intense time of my life and I'm LOST. Not having a mother is hard enough, but now I've lost a father too - at least for a very long time. I feel no love from him anymore these last few days I am here living with him. As I'm sobbing here writting this, I hear my dad storming off in a tantrum and throwing anything of mine down the stairs. He claimed he has provided for me for 20 years. providing what... yeah alllll the material things. I have only lived with him 3 years of my entire life and all the rest of the years we would see him twice a year for a week and it would be the best fake time of my life. Since I've lived with him, he lost his ex wife (my mom), his fourth wife which was long overdue, and he lost his job and didnt get another one for 2 years after. He could be having a major crisis in his life and I know I'm only adding on to it. I tried to do what he told me but it never seemed to be enough. I came to a point of never being around. I didnt want to face him or deal with his bitching so I avoided it all together. I realized that I could have tried harder to make him more proud of me but there came a time when I started losing respect for him. The more I'm hurt from his words and his anger for me the more respect I lost for him. I started inviting people over when he was out of town because I didnt care, even though he specifically told me not to. I would always clean up the mess and make it like it was before but he found out one way or another that I had people over... and knowing that I defied him made him feel powerless. He claimed that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because I had a few people over ON my birthday while he was out of town. But I think he just forgot and since hes limited on his money he wouldnt want to blow some of what he still has on me.

I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.

alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.

Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......

my life updated... beware

since I've written in this meaningless blog that no one reads... I ponder about why my life has gone upside down. I'm not in school right now. NEVER thought I would take a break so soon but I couldnt imagine how much of a struggle it would be if I went right now. I'm barely even at home anymore... well not home but the house in bellevue. I say that because I'm moving out soon... or, getting kicked out. My fathers relationship with me, I'd say, is probably at the all-time low right now. I've never felt so unloved and unwanted as a daughter. Maybe once I move out and get completely on my own we can at least be acquaintances but as for now he's an eye-glaring stranger that I'm afraid of ... and live with.

Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...

One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha

ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.

later thoughts...

-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)