"Tomorrow will be different from today which was different from yesterday"

Today is Monday. Thursday is my 21st birthday and frankly, I'm terrified of it! This whole weekend is going to be carelessly stirred into a drunken, but LEGAL, act of madness. I wish my stomach could be strong enough for what it's about to endure.

In other news of my life, I seemed to have let my emotions fade and make myself more numb to situations I would normally have feelings for. For instance, doing what I want and not what I need to do to give back what others want. FOR INSTANCE, Doug. If he were to read this he would probably think I'm a nutcase, which lets face it I AM! My best friend even sees it though. She told me the other day, "You know, as much as you shouldn't be hanging out with Doug because he's a douche, I really like seeing you two together." I see the man almost every day and whenever I do, I get jittery and want to act upon what I'm imagining in my head, BUT I KNOW I can't. It's not right yet, and it can only get that way if we actually hang out one on one, talk and solidify the feelings that we want to feel with eachother. He told me the other night when we were about to pass out after a long night of drinking that he wanted to go out on a date with me. LIKE AN ACTUAL DINNER AND MOVIE DATE! I never thought he would say it after all the crap in the past we went through and talked about and agreed that dating eachother wouldn't be the right answer right now. I wanted to freak but instead I replied with a quick, "yeah? cool we should." I just hate giving up feelings for a person and not get what I want out of it, even worse them seeing how much feelings I have for them. At least I got that under control!!

ANYWAY, this last weekend I took a break from Douglas and his friends (kinda) and went off to CANADA for the first time!! I was so stoked. I am acquainted with this guy that is considered in my group of friends as the High-Maitenance, Insecure, Party-crazed Meathead! Anyway, he invited me and whoever else I wanted to bring that was a female (of course) to Canada!! His best friend is the owner of a night club in Seattle, who would be the complete opposite of him, invited him along. He then invites every girl he knows to come along, which wasn't exactly what his best friend instructed him to do. So in all actuality we really weren't that welcome but my party acquaintance sure made it seem so! He even drove us up there in his lifted, black, muscle truck he likes to show off. We get there and meet up with these guys immediately start getting ready to go out. The time comes around midnight and we finally get out to the first club. It was alright, for about the first 5 minutes and then me and my girlfriends start to get bored. We tell everyone that we were going to see what else is in Vancouver and that they were all welcome to come and they all get offended. So we blew them all off for the rest of the night and went our own way around town! Granted we couldn't get into alot of places because I guess you have to be 21 and kristen only had her temporary ID, but we DID indeed get into a few places. One of them is where we met some aussies!! It was awesome... we brought them all back to the hotel with us by the end of the night and oh boy, the guys that were paying for our room who we bailed on earlier definitely got alittle heated. We brushed it off though and partied our butts off until all hours of the night.

The NEXT morning is what BLEW. Our Aussie friends left us and so did the people that we came with to grab breakfast. Noon, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock rolls around and I start getting pissed. I seemed to have gotten angrier and angrier after every minute that went by! FINALLY they show up at 2:30 and I am ready to punch a wall. We finally get into some other dudes car because the guy we came with didn't want to leave yet and left. I was so upset I hardly talked the whole way home. The main reason why I got so upset was because I had to work that evening and I ended up being almost 3 hours late!!! Not only that, but I had not one bite of food until 6 in the evening when the fucker finally dropped us off and we drove to the first fast-food joint that we knew. That whole day sucked ass but the night before definitely kicked ass!

ANYWAY, I've been procrastinating the clean-up of my bedroom that I was supposed to dedicate the whole day for and now I only have about an hour to spend on. haha wooopsy.

later days.

m ihasdkijahsdr

TORN UP

OK.

Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.

I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....

I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!

TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!

I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!

I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.

I just don't want to.

:-(