It's late and I'm wide awake. I'm alone and there's no one else to talk to. I just started reading back on some of these posts and it really got me thinking again. Well, about one particular person. I could cry right now for all the pain and amount of time I put into this person. But I'm not. I just can't believe it's over. Allllll the waiting, suffering, anticipating, and dependence on this person has gone down the drain. Sometimes I wonder, what if everything was exactly how I imagined it. Is there more I can have with someone else? Will it weigh down on my future partners? How could anyone compare at this point? The fact of the matter is that it's in the past. No matter what situation comes next, the better or for the worse, it will be an adventure to learn from. If anything, I'm realizing what I like in men! Yeah, I loved once. It was HARD but I felt it from the tips of my fingers, down my spine, swirling in my stomach, to the tips of my toes. And to think that person is still out there, even though they deceived me and lead me to believe false interpretations. This person got to me on so many different levels that I can't be mad. I can't stop thinking about it when it was all I thought about for god knows how long. I was in the deepest of loves anyone could possibly feel and it's going to hurt looking back for the rest of my life. I wish I could take back all that time. I wish I could be directed to love the right person - but I didn't. I just went with it, without thinking twice. I guess that's what love does right? It practically blinded me from everything. Not anymore though. It's gone but for some reason I still tear up thinking about it. My heart still pounds and races just like it used to when this person came to mind.. After all this time, it has finally ended. I must go on.
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Doug's out partying right now. Usually we spend every free moment together, but today we parted ways. No reason in particular. I miss him right now. He really makes me happy. I want to love him like I once loved before. He completely supports me and he cracks me up all the time. He tells me he's in it for the long run too. He trusts me and I do the same. I LIKE him and for the first time I'm PROUD to say he's my boyfriend. I'm going to really try to make this work out with him... :-) I think I have to keep reminding myself to keep it slow and steady. Don't over-do it. I gotta make this one last. There is no one else I'd rather be with at this moment than him. He can make everything alright.
I know it's pretty lame that I'm only talking about my love life, but I really don't feel like writing anything else. That's the only thing right now that I feel the most passionate about. and to think its a GOOD thing!!
more on this later... guarunteed