Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Still LoST.

WOW. I just read my last blog and knew it was time to update. Since the landmark forum. I have been taking the seminar series followed after it. It's 3 hours every monday... just to keep you in check. WELL, the class has shortened to about half... and I seem to be falling off the edge myself. I'm trying to be POWERFUL with my life and find some sort of order but I realized it's not that easy.

My life lately has been nothing but a waste of time. I've been going out WAYYY to much for my own good. I keep telling myself I'll find another job the next day and end up sleeping through it because I went out the night before. I hate settling for just the satisfactory type of things, jobs, people, living conditions... I know I have AMAZING PEOPLE in my life but that isn't going to help me move forward. I know it's only up to me to succeed. A friend told me this the other day "If you think you're beat, YOU ARE. If you think you dare not, YOU DON'T. You got to think high to rise, or it's almost sure YOU WON'T." I am finding that to be more and more true the more I'm living the life I live right now. I need structure, discipline, coaching but I am so lost I can't seem to find anything. Ha haa I just saw the analogy in my head. I'm bikeriding on a trail that takes me into the woods and then I hit a twig... I fall off the trail down the hill and now I'm deep in a woody forest I can't get out of. Not to mention I'm bleeding and NEED help but I can hardly move and I don't know which direction to go to get help. So I limping, gasping, looking for ANYTHING to grab onto to get me somewhere where I can rest and be safe, but it becomes more apparent that I'm going farther and farther away from my destination, whatever it may be. I see this analogy in my life. As I fell of the trail... I made one bad move and my world falls apart. Now I'm lost... lost on what to do with my life... where to settle... what will mazimize my potential the most. And I feel like all these half ass jobs that I keep getting, are keeping me farther and farther from what I REALLY want to with my life. So I drink... go out... try to ignore the fact that I have a list of problems in my life that have been unsolved... untouched. And it just keeps getting bigger. I realize all of this and yet I keep on running from what I know I should be doing to make it right. I smile. Look pretty. Attract so many people around me to make them believe something that I'm not. Then when I go home, when I'm alone (like right now), I am ashamed. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I sometimes cry if even one person has a deep conversation about how I am doing. God, I just wish I could find a way to make it right again.

BTW, the boy I talked about before... that was short-lived. It wasn't too long before he disappointed me.