Operation: Drop kick - replenish +

There are a few situations I have found myself in lately. Between new friends and my interests, I've been pulled in different directions and started to discover ME and what I stand by. For one, I've realized I have had it SUPER easy with the excellent people I've been around the last couple years. Some are smarter, more mature than me. I've felt more like the lil pup in some of my relationships with my close ones because I have so much to learn from them. I take account of everything they say because I know they mean it and have worth to even have said it. They tend to bring happiness and confidence in controlling life the way you want it to be. Loving you strong, feeding my soul.

However, the tables have turned.

I'm realizing I have a gift from what I've learned in this life thus far. I've met outrageously talented and creative-minded people that are so at peace with themselves. They truly define LLL (Life, Love, and Laughter).

On the other hand...

I have met some people lately that get easily stressed out and has negativity and materialism everywhere they breathe. It hurts because I find myself acting the same way; eating into all the drama that acclimates around them. I literally have to grab my scalp to clear my head of those double-crossed thoughts just to not let them take the best of me. And I feel like it's all because they've been brainwashed and exposed to this world, that they would even admit they hate as well, take over them. They become it.. maybe they know no other way or they choose misery over pleasure. Who knows? I just know it can't be me.

Not saying it's their fault because I'm sitting in the middle of it, but maybe there is a way to teach them what I once was blinded from. Shit, I know I got a LONG way before I can say I'm where I want to be. I'm not a saint, but maybe someday I can be something close to it.

Furthermore, I've decided I shall write whatever comes to my head sporadically at the moment to let it all out for the air to absorb so my head shall be free... weeee

Things, thinking, fake smiling, drama ma ma, realizing, dreaming what I'm not, Bird disperse, passion drifting, brainstorming, perception deception, thinking, wanting it and then not wanting it, StiLL standing STILL.

Bite the hand that feeds

I feel like everyone does this. Now after slowly reading this, I can point out the scenarios. Hurting the person that loves you most. Is ungrateful for the little things people do for you. Is unaware of feelings that a close person has towards you or around you. Thinks the world of themselves; is so self righteous that they don't even recognize the good in anyone else. Shuns those that have different beliefs. The list goes on. I happen to see this everyday I walk into work.

Why do they preach kindness and being so down-to-earth that they can't even come close to what that really means? Why fake how you feel and hide your judgments towards people who work hard for more than its worth? I try to see past the critiquing and featherbrained egos. I want to like you so life can smooth over easily, but I'm having a hard time. Every time I get off, I feel a sense of freedom and love for living life how I want to live it.

After work, I feel a reverse feeling from the management I work with. More laid back and ready to laugh. Stoked to see you enjoying yourself and you feel like you've been upset for nothing. Then, the diabolical cycle repeats.

Sorry folks, I can't let you run my life. It's sad to see them pushing good people that know their shit out of the company and letting people that have no idea about the industry run the place. Good idea. Right.

I'm over it. allllready.

And the scheme to not stand still continues...

Still Standing STILL.

thinking. thinking. thinking. boys. thinking. thinking. drinking. thinking..... still thinking.

Sometimes, you'll find me looking confused for no apparent reason. Like I'm concentrating or listening to something in my head. That's how I've been lately. In my head screams those three little words: What. To. Do.

Is this geminitical (yep that's my word, I claimed it), indecisive side of me going to keep me standing still? I need to move.. move move move. But where? How? I'm Anxious!!

Let's lay it all out so I can clear my crazy head...

Numero 1: Move to Vegas for 5-6 months to make twice-three times as much as much cheese as I make now. Also, see where a relationship with a special person will flourish once it becomes a daily thing and less vocational. Then, if all goes as planned, come home for B-Man and possibly schooling for the fall now that I got my urge for travel out.

Numero 2: Sunny So Cal livin. Close to Vegas. Closer to close friends. Could probably land a decent money makin' job and get myself well "above water."

Far fetched Numero 3: San Fran. A big, fun artistic party network waiting for me to grace them with my presence. Already have a modeling gig lined up. Close to some important people I've known throughout my life.

The unthinkable Numero 4: Stay here in Seattle - weigh out the summer with the decent job I have, along with the new relationships that have become more engraved every day. Go to B-Man. Ache to travel and probably not end up wanting school this time around. Leaving me where I am at today. And last year. And the year before.

Oh, no. I think I've made up my mind. I can't stay here. I can't.

That means, I need to start making some moves. FAST. ... gulp.

Wine. be mine.

The end.