Thursday, August 12, 2010

Venting season has arrived.

Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man

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K, now we can begin.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR BURNING MAN. I'm going nuts, I think. And just when you think you are going to have everything covered and everyone will walk their talk about what they plan on doing to make our camp STAND OUT and be one of the best camps at Burning Man... It all just comes crashing down on you like broken glass shattering into pieces all around you. Well, it's not that dramatic but it's venting time...


I really was looking forward to sharing this experience with Taylor this year. Take her somewhere that she's never been; a place where she can be herself and run wild and free without a care in the world. As time got pushed closer and closer, she promised to leave the month of August open for preparation. It is now AUGUST 12th, and nothing has not been TOUCHED on her behalf except for a few hemp necklaces. Basically, the main things she said she could provide is: the 30-foot trailer we'll be sleeping in and piling alot of crap into, our BIG piece of art (eywa tree) that she had all the material for and wanted to build mostly, the dozens of outfits we plan on making to give out. And now today she tells me, "I don't know if I want to go this year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather disappear from everyone and go to the ocean." Really. The ocean. That will ALWAYS be there. Oh, life and that lemon shit. I have to realize, too, that she has deeper burdened issues that keep her from going. I just wish the timing wouldn't have been so completely off on her part.

Faraz has actually been a great sport about everything. She's totally taking over on costume making and we're now going to be meeting every day to make it all come together nicely. Oh and Snef, that girl rocks. Totally bought all the paint we need for our sign and some bluuuue and make-up for the bodies. We had a great time yesterday shoppin' around and finding little things that will make our camp even better than our vision. A guy we know is also going, and he is lending us an air brush kit! score! Even better... I met a guy at a burner picnic and he just so happened to talk around town and find me a 24ft across, 15ft high DOME! GO ME.. My brother was pretty thrilled to hear that. Speaking of, he definitely went according to planned, and bought a savage van with all the amenities to keep our burners hearts happy and less worried. He shall be gracing us with his presence in about 48 hours. phew. I need him BAD right now.

A few friends are really excited for me and want to help, including my little crush. I'm glad that he did his research about it. I think I got him in for next year, that is, if he's still around. At the present moment, I feel "meh" about him, but that's just some of my frustration in the texting games he likes to play. It's his way of coming up with witty remarks or sly (on the border rude) comments to make him sound cooler. I'm realizing he doesn't mean it and maybe that's his way of lightening, or dampering, a liking I may have towards him. You can definitely tell he was the youngest of the family bunch. For example, words like "balls", "hoes", "murkin niggas", and "cartoons" are probably the most frequent words used in his vocabulary. When we're together, I can't stop thinking about kissing him if I'm not already. I haven't felt so highschool in a while with a guy, which is why I remain "meh." What I really need to do is to let myself back up alittle. Hey! What do ya know, burning man is on the horizon and will do just the trick.

Anyway, I'm off to recharge until I get alittle bit crazier than yesterday.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Minds breaking hearts.

I try to be so many different things. I try to be this strong, undefeated superwoman that no one can hurt. I try to be a smart, witty know-it-all that no one can outsmart. I try to be a trendy, fashion-crazed rockstar that no one can out-bad ass. I try to be so many different things, you see. But what I've decided that it comes down to, is what it is that you really need from life no matter what facet of yourself you care to achieve for the day.

I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.

And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.

I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?

This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Crushed in different directions

I just read some really depressing stories and now I REALLY can't sleep.

No wonder why people can be so fucking mental. This world is full of crime, felons, heartache, cheating, lies, deceit, suffering, abuse. It hurts to know that people have hurt. It hurts to see it happen in your own life, even worse. Sometimes I'm so in love with the world I could cry, and others I'm completely disgusted I could vomit. Lately, I've just been stressed; numb from all the pain. Keeping myself busy to cloud out any other useless thoughts that flood my mind when I give a chance. It's all caught up to me tonight.

I started to realize that I've been dancing in a dream for a whole week with this guy. I've completely lost control of my feelings that seemed so nonexistent the week prior. I am blind, away from reality, and I've sunk in a euphoric sea. It's just so deep that I can't breathe and am transforming into someone else. My mind is officially blown away.

So, now that I have a chance to think, I can't stop. It's a quarter past 5 am and I now have to be up in four hours. gahhh.

What am I going to do after a month?!

And when it rains, it pours.

Here is the start of a loooong cycle of blogs. Oh life, with a cloud of love.