One empty box

It's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it.

Maybe it's better off that way.

I just wish I had the choice...

Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.

I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday."

Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me.

God I miss her.

First bitter kick in 2012

Today initially started off alright. Cozied up extra long with Cam, got a free brow wax, had lunch at Haley's work... and then I found myself struggling from there on out. Today, I learned that I can't take the first prerequisite to get in the Apparel Design program, which ultimately means I can't take the program at all until fall 2013. Ouch. Secondly, I called everyone in my life to lift my spirits up, maybe half of them answered, my sister included. I called her for just that, some uplifting support, her views, and maybe some baby burps and squeals but nope. First thing out of her mouth was, "Have you bought your ticket yet?" And when I said, "Not yet," she's laughs. I confront her and ask her why she's laughing and her response is, "Well, I just don't think you're ever going to come out here. That's all." I tell her not to see things so negatively and go on about staying positive and having a good heart about things and before I even finish, she's already hung up. I called her back a few minutes later because I know sometimes all she really needs is a few minutes to cool off and then she's alright but nope. No answer. ugh.

I try to shrug off the evening of disappointment but can't seem to shake it. Called my aunt, whose house my sister is staying at right now, and she was answered with mere excitement and what almost could have been mistaken for my mom she says, "Mikiiiiiiii! My miki!" I instantly got a sigh of relief. After I updated her about my life and she did with hers, I told her about my frustrations with stinkin booper butt and she told me "Ali can be Ali sometimes, you just can't tell her your thoughts because she'll hold them against you for some reason down the road." That made me feel a little better.

Cam doesn't really understand why I'm upset, even though I told him about everything today, and frankly he just decided to smoke a bong hit, throw back some beers with his buddies, and forget to even care. Can't blame him though. I tried to seem as normal as possible. Guess I did I good job.

My brother is having his own conflicts within himself to even notice or care what I have been up to. I've been trying to lift his spirits lately, but it just seems like I annoy him more than anything. ugh. And of course, he definitely doesn't fall short today when I would need him to confide with.

So I've resorted my ups and downs throughout the day to the one and only thing that consistently makes me feel better after I confide with it, writing. And I'm OK with that.

I've got plenty of endeavors coming my way this year, I've decided. 1, being the start of a whole new profession and product - Electric assist bicycles. I'm definitely excited to learn and grow from this opportunity to run a shop and sell a product I truly believe and know that the customer will not be ripped off. 2, I am still exploring my relationship with my boyfriend and plan on traveling and enjoying this summer with him as much as possible. 3, I would like to see if I can get some more modeling in this year and, in order to do that, I plan on spending some quality time exercising myself to get in better shape - 4. And the obvious 5, I honestly don't quite have the finances to support this time-consuming program. Oh and 6, who knows the world just might end and I don't want to be stuck in school wondering how I could've spent my last days on earth. HAH!

So a big fat OH WELL and see you next year Apparel Design Program at SCC! If it's really a career meant for me and I'm still interested nine months from now, it is meant to be. As my friend Kristen just said, "Obviously you were not meant to take this program this year, you have so many other things going on anyway." And as for you Ali, you big pouting brat, I'll see you next month. I'll find a way.

Off to see, what could most likely be, one of the most horrible movies in 2012, The Devil Inside. But hey, at least I can say I sat in a movie theatre in 2012. Can you tell me you have? Yeah sure...

Remembering her...

I know my mum's birthday is 8 days away but I had to keep this somewhere safe so I can look back and remember what she'd want from me.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I love you mom. It's a shame you are gone, but it could quite possibly be the biggest lesson I have and will ever learn. Never take life for granted and never limit my love.

Old intetentions, New year to make them happen.

This year, just like any other year, I find myself making resolutions to better my life and end up falling short to the throne of saving the world. I settle with the comfort I've let my life revolve around with a clear mind that maybe something that will better me might fall on my lap instead. Well, this year is definitely going to start very similar but will drastically take some changes. I want to grow and find a place where life suits me most. I want to have enough drive and wit to get there. And when I get closer I want to keep PUSHING and knowing that this is the right path for me.

This year, I've made a list and it goes alittle something like this:

-Make a list of tomorrow's day each night
-Write at least once a week.
-Eat Healthier (Control my hunger cravings!)
-Drink WAY less
-Find out how I can get into the Apparel Design Program THIS YEAR.
-Take the prerequisites prior to enrolling.
-Have more patience.
-Help Seattle E-Bike reach it's full potential.
-See my sister and family in other states at least TWICE this year.
-Love who I am as much as possible
-Love others with a PMA to back it up.
-Build value to the friends I want to keep.
-Quit Tia Lou's
-Start doing Yoga/swimming workouts at least 4 times a week.
-Do something out of my way for someone else each and every day.
-Walk Daisy once a week.


I look at this now and already see myself not owning up to the majority of it. I know how lazy I can be. But it is about time I stop and start taking control of my life and my future. I want this life to mean something and I want those closest to me to benefit from it.

To a new year and a new attitude.