Saturday, March 08, 2014

My secret to staying Positive

It's been so long since I've written on here so I'm not going to even attempt catching up with everything but instead start off by pushing this thought:


I need to keep reminding myself of this, especially right now in my life. The month of February was a rough one for me. Constantly felt like my patience was being tested, twisted and everything I said got manipulated. I feel like I do a good job stepping down from my ego to self-reflect and figure out what I could have done better. My never-ending urge in fighting for what I believe can sometimes get the best of me and I am learning to not put energy into conversations that stem from irrational thinking. I simply do not accept negativity in my life and when faced with it - I stand up for peace of my mind and others that are exposed to it. If only I could learn to not hold on to negative words that sting me so bad. That's the hardest part - forgetting.

I remember when I was growing into my teens and began to really acquire opinions, strong opinions, that my attitude got the best of me. I remember my mom cutting off my bad thoughts by saying "Wait! Before you decide to say whatever you are about to say, don't. You may hurt me with your words. Here - write it out." She handed me a notebook - and that's where my writing began. I would write just about EVERYTHING that pissed me off and sometimes I wouldn't leave my room for hours as I sit there passionately writing out my anger to help shed the extra weight. I would occasionally find that my mom had written in my journal to assure me that life isn't as bad as it seems and to not forget to write the positive things that go on in my life as well. At the time, I felt so violated that she would even trespass into my extremely secret writings of boys, friends, school, and family crap. I always kept thinking why I would ever write anything positive when I'm heated in the moment. Positive thoughts just didn't come out dense enough to write down. Granted, I gave it a shot even though I did not feel as passionate. I found myself using my words as a form of expression and beliefs rather than scenarios or being 'stuck-in-the-moment.' I also started playing with my words more with poems and sang them out to help lift my spirits when I was down. When I started writing my troubles down, I found myself figuring out the solutions to the problems by the time I was finished writing. I made lists of my personality strengths and weaknesses and that helped prevent me from pointing the finger at someone else. It really kept me away from all the negativity.

Of course, I wrote everything down and bad times still have been written down much more than the good. Writing though, became a form of art and not just a venting machine. A place where I could organize my thoughts rather than bottling up a cloud of anger and negativity. I have realized as I'm getting older, the negativity is becoming more controlled and my writing behavior is much more constructive than it used to be.

I can now say that I am looked at by my fellow peers as the bright, free-spirited friend that chooses to be optimistic when in a bad spot. I stand as a rock for friends in a rough spot. I love helping others see the light. However, when I'm shoved into a corner and encounter negativity, especially when directed at me, I fight. I fight for my peace, my standards, who I am. Call me entitled or even ignorant (since many like to say "ignorance is bliss") but this is MY LIFE - I will only allow a safe place for friends to feel supported by me unless they decide to push me away and call me out for being "too sensitive." Life is just too short to entertain those dark demons that come and go into your inner thoughts that bring out the monster in you if you're weak. Screw that. I say, acknowledge those thoughts and tell them to have a nice day.

As I always like to say "Why do you insist on messing around with the twigs when you can climb the tree and see the sky?"