tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64384982024-03-21T11:22:56.141-07:00Thoughts of a BirdDon't let morals set you back in life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.comBlogger135125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-72348444503745060952014-03-08T13:12:00.002-08:002014-03-08T13:29:43.463-08:00My secret to staying PositiveIt's been so long since I've written on here so I'm not going to even attempt catching up with everything but instead start off by pushing this thought:<br />
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I need to keep reminding myself of this, especially right now in my life. The month of February was a rough one for me. Constantly felt like my patience was being tested, twisted and everything I said got manipulated. I feel like I do a good job stepping down from my ego to self-reflect and figure out what I could have done better. My never-ending urge in fighting for what I believe can sometimes get the best of me and I am learning to not put energy into conversations that stem from irrational thinking. I simply do not accept negativity in my life and when faced with it - I stand up for peace of my mind and others that are exposed to it. If only I could learn to not hold on to negative words that sting me so bad. That's the hardest part - forgetting. <br />
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I remember when I was growing into my teens and began to really acquire opinions, strong opinions, that my attitude got the best of me. I remember my mom cutting off my bad thoughts by saying "Wait! Before you decide to say whatever you are about to say, don't. You may hurt me with your words. Here - write it out." She handed me a notebook - and that's where my writing began. I would write just about EVERYTHING that pissed me off and sometimes I wouldn't leave my room for hours as I sit there passionately writing out my anger to help shed the extra weight. I would occasionally find that my mom had written in my journal to assure me that life isn't as bad as it seems and to not forget to write the positive things that go on in my life as well. At the time, I felt so violated that she would even trespass into my extremely secret writings of boys, friends, school, and family crap. I always kept thinking why I would ever write anything positive when I'm heated in the moment. Positive thoughts just didn't come out dense enough to write down. Granted, I gave it a shot even though I did not feel as passionate. I found myself using my words as a form of expression and beliefs rather than scenarios or being 'stuck-in-the-moment.' I also started playing with my words more with poems and sang them out to help lift my spirits when I was down. When I started writing my troubles down, I found myself figuring out the solutions to the problems by the time I was finished writing. I made lists of my personality strengths and weaknesses and that helped prevent me from pointing the finger at someone else. It really kept me away from all the negativity. <br />
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Of course, I wrote everything down and bad times still have been written down much more than the good. Writing though, became a form of art and not just a venting machine. A place where I could organize my thoughts rather than bottling up a cloud of anger and negativity. I have realized as I'm getting older, the negativity is becoming more controlled and my writing behavior is much more constructive than it used to be.<br />
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I can now say that I am looked at by my fellow peers as the bright, free-spirited friend that chooses to be optimistic when in a bad spot. I stand as a rock for friends in a rough spot. I love helping others see the light. However, when I'm shoved into a corner and encounter negativity, especially when directed at me, I fight. I fight for my peace, my standards, who I am. Call me entitled or even ignorant (since many like to say "ignorance is bliss") but this is MY LIFE - I will only allow a safe place for friends to feel supported by me unless they decide to push me away and call me out for being "too sensitive." Life is just too short to entertain those dark demons that come and go into your inner thoughts that bring out the monster in you if you're weak. Screw that. I say, acknowledge those thoughts and tell them to have a nice day.<br />
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As I always like to say "Why do you insist on messing around with the twigs when you can climb the tree and see the sky?" Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-36111212053359626712012-12-02T13:18:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:23:28.046-08:00Peace Of MindOh, it is that time of the year again. The holidays. Everyone is frantically shopping while hearing the same old cheerfully eery Christmas music play. I always find myself tending to my comfortable vices - Egg nog in a blanket watching cheesy movies and hiding from the world is the most frequent one I use. Then last night I realized that it is already December and what happened to the goals I set for myself 11 months ago? I had a chance to look at my resolutions and, like I had assumed, the majority was not reached. YEAH RIGHT like I went swimming 4 times a week. I guess I went once the entire YEAR - that hefty lake swim for my cousins' foundation. woop dee doo. YEAH RIGHT like I got into the Apparel Design Program at SCCC. Just didn't feel the motivation I had like last year. I have participated in some fashion shows however, and I have been taking a class for the last couple months that has really helped reach my full potential while updating my integrity, power, and leadership skills. It's been quite a blast taking that program. I would recommend for any and all, especially those that are feeling stuck and want to fulfill their dreams or those that live in Fremont better yet (that is where the class is located).<br />
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One thing that I have noticed about this year is that my relationships have been much more satisfying, especially with my partner. I really have started feeling a new sense of maturity growing on me and it has brought me so much more peace of mind. The class I'm taking right now definitely helps.<br />
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I've even become so much more proficient at work. I have great relationships with all my coworkers, including Brian. We had one minor bump in the road while I was away at Burning Man. He found that time frame to be completely inconvenient for his business and it put my job in jeopardy because of it, as well as me taking things "too personally" at work. The old me would have lifted my hands up in the air, said a few parting words and quit. But I dealt with the chaos and showed him that I'm the best employee that he has, which he admitted to me later. It always baffles me the differences between men and women at the end of the day... <br />
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I must say, as we approach doomsday, life couldn't be more beautiful (even on a rainy day). I can definitely tell you though, I starting to brew some bigger resolutions that I would really like to fulfill at the beginning of the year! That is, if the world lets us. Let's hope for the best.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-35000004576241104282012-09-18T00:58:00.002-07:002012-12-02T13:19:52.854-08:00A month I'll never forget.When I get old, I'm going to have one helluva story to tell. But aren't we all? I always think I'm a badass, and then I realize everyone around me is as well. Each person that has lived should have some crazy story to tell based off of their own perspective. The good, the bad - it doesn't matter because it's their own and all I can do is soak it up like a sponge. Learn from their mistakes and accomplishments by putting myself right in that moment where the story once lived.
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I just can't let these moments in my younger days pass me by too fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm not holding up to my own standards, but then I realize I'm worrying too much and I just got to roll with it. Go with my gut and forget the rest. It's like I'm literally a bird flying around in my own neighborhood. I know where the secret spots are to find food and I have the best nest around, but I have wings. I can take them anywhere I want. I risk my life - but then I risk not knowing what I could've seen. I risk the journey.
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Speaking of my latest journey...
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There she is - couldn't be flying more freely on the Crazy Train after gazing at the ship wreck behind me...
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Crazy Train cruising the playa - oh but look who we have here.... Mr. Carl Cox. World known DJ. So amazing.
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There we are and couldn't be happier...
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Tay and I made our fantasy masterpiece costume come true on the playa. So happy with the turn out...
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Me busting moves with a Lego attitude.
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My man and I at the most sacred place on the playa - we found eachother again at the Temple...
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My favorite art installation on the playa! It was unreal to walk into. Felt like a real sinking ship!
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The famous Lego Truck finding it's way to that sunken ship!
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Walking and talking with my Cam.
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The men who keep Billy, the Lego Truck, alive. My brother Anton and long-time pal Jesse. Mad love for these guys - especially with The Man burning down behind us.
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Sunrise kiss on Sunday morning... kissing the playa goodbye...
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There are so many other remarkable pictures that were taken from professional photographers, along with amazing art and amazing live music performed by artist at the cost of nothing. I just can't imagine a world any better than that. How can you explain to someone about a place that allows your imagination to run wild while being given gifts in a dusty, dreamy desert? I just can't put anything up to that par.
You'd think I would be done after 5 years. You think this little free bird would want to see something else - the world offers so much. But when that time of the year rolls around later in the summer, I get sick thinking about being anywhere else but my home, Burning Man. It's a weakness of mine. An attachment of letting go of the most precious time and place on earth to me. Every single year. My heart aches wanting to go back home... Until next time Burning Man.
And then there is reality. Seattle E-Bike and a class that I am taking up called the Self Expression and Leadership Program. It is the third level of the Landmark Education Series and I'm finally taking it! I'm learning so much more about myself and my possibilities. Stay tuned.
Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-90215878939589006372012-07-31T20:44:00.002-07:002012-12-02T13:21:01.588-08:00Playing Catch-upI can't believe I went this long without a peep of written memory. Well, it's never too late at least..
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In the past six months I have:
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Visited my sister, Alaina. Way too short to see my blood for just a week.
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Had a Birthday blowout on Orcas Island.. Had some good and bad times during that weekend. Definitely had better birthdays but none of them had a view like I had this time.
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Celebrated a one year anniversary with my one and only, Cameron Nichols. Man, I can't believe we have made it this long! The lust has never fizzled. But with that, comes the fighting - which hasn't really fizzled much either. We are always bouncing back and forth but somehow, someway we manage to make our relationship deeper, stronger, better, and more worth it every day. It's crazy to think at the age of 26 that simply THIS IS IT for me.
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Celebrated Cam's birthday shortly after housing a bunch of his friends at the house, including flying out my sister for over a week! That was pretty chaotic but oh so memorable.
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Took a trip with my brother, Anton, to a festival located in the northern tip of the United States, Neah Bay. The festival was madness and a great escape. Mainly, my trip with my brother was also lost time made up with my good ol friend Haley. I haven't seen her much since being with Cam and it was good to catch up and do 'us.' It was MUCH needed.
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And now, I am here - sitting and looking at my life and how lucky I am. I get to have a stable job, a loving and passionate boyfriend who adores me, I get to live with my brother, I get to have this wonderful life...
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Things I can't help but think about improving in my life are:
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My career - I haven't focused on what exactly I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I work at Seattle E-Bike but is that my life? Is that where I want to be years and years from now? Probably not. But I have become so embedded into that place that it becomes more and more blurry thinking about myself leaving that place. One day, I'll find something. I'll figure it out. Maybe I am destined to birth some beautiful children and take after them so carefully and lovingly just like my mother did. Maybe there is something more... All I know is, I got creative vibrations in me and if I don't let them out someway, I'll freak out.
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My family - I only see my dad maybe every other month and he is the only one, besides, my brother of course, that I can see alot more often. I need to let go of my fears that he is struggling and I can't help him. I need to do something. I should know more than anyone else, that I could lose him as quickly as tomorrow. When I build a family, I hope they live close so they won't have to miss out on so many precious moments that I get to miss out on because they all live so far away. It hurts, especially when they are gone and all you can't help but think about is what you could've done to prevent what happened. But I swallow my pride and I keep busting my butt to hopefully come out of this somewhat happy and successful. That's all I really want.
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Get organized - I am trying but I could definitely be a much cleaner and healthier human being.
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Get back in shape - I feel myself slipping and I need to hop on that again. I am too young to have achy knees and a pudgy stomach.
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My ideas - I happen to have many ideas but the ones that I actually DO are very few. So few, that I drive myself alittle crazy, alittle anxious. I'm wanting more with my life and this is the biggest part of my life that I need to improve on. I have these ideas... building an empire with my best friend Taylor by creating clothing that has alittle style and abstractness accompanied with accessories that make those outfits pop. I want to make this scrapbook SO BAD. A scrap book that consists of my sister and I's life together. I want to give it to her so she can always feel me by her side. God I love her so much. I want to start taking sewing classes and I need to buy that dang sewing machine. I want to make cloths for my future children and for my already existing family. It means more and it's a very handy quality to have!
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But most importantly, I want to write more. Writing allows me to be alittle more free. I let my mind expand and let the ideas come in. I am able to look at life more peacefully knowing that I have something to look back on. Something to laugh about. Something to be proud of.
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And so, I will write because I never know what I'm thinking until I see what I said anyway...Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-17457351197194367772012-02-11T17:55:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:30:11.826-08:00The gift of LIFEI learned from a very young age that life can be out of your hands sometimes. Sometimes for the better and a lot of times for the worse. The difference between people that react to these kinds of uncontrollable experiences in their lives is what truly matters. Some people like to blame others for what they cannot control. Some people like to forget about all responsibility and flee from all the problems they have been faced with and simply forget about it. Some people like to numb themselves with their own vices. A vicious cycle based off of attachments to those experiences that lies in their head.<br />
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But SOME people.... learn from it all. Of course, you can't forget but that only allows you to learn from it. They hold their head high, gulp those tears, and hold on to each precious moment as if it's in slow motion. Not taking life for granted is the ultimate key - as cliche as that sounds. You never know how it all can change in one instantaneous moment. <br />
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I went to a friends' funeral last week. I didn't know him all that well but I knew him for years in the friend circle. I have close friends that knew him very well. He was sick.... mentally. He let those bad thoughts consume him. Define him. And just like that, he jumped off the bridge and becomes part the past. Just like he wanted. He simply gave up. I've never been able to wrap my head around suicide but I can't help but think what must have been going on in his poor mind to take his own life. <br />
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I think about the silly bickering and bantering my boyfriend and I have from time to time. I've been catching myself in the midst of the madness more often lately though. Letting those little buttons get the best of you is just not healthy for the soul. "Just look at the bigger picture, is this what we really need to wrap our heads around right now?" is what I usually end up telling him and then the bicker turns into a subtle hug and kiss. Oh how I've grown from my rebellious 16-year-old ways.<br />
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All I can say is I absolutely LOVE my life. I love how tall I am, how awkward I am at times. I love how I have such great surrounding energy in the people that are closest in my life. I simply fall in love with my life every day and I will not accept anything less. This happened because I saw darkness, I've made mistakes, and I choose to learn from them.<br />
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"Time is on your side" -ColdplayMikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-21535505876525848542012-01-14T19:47:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:31:38.694-08:00One empty boxIt's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it. <br />
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Maybe it's better off that way.<br />
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I just wish I had the choice...<br />
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Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.<br />
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I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday." <br />
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Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me. <br />
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God I miss her.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-22038008167102430742012-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:35:06.975-08:00First bitter kick in 2012Today initially started off alright. Cozied up extra long with Cam, got a free brow wax, had lunch at Haley's work... and then I found myself struggling from there on out. Today, I learned that I can't take the first prerequisite to get in the Apparel Design program, which ultimately means I can't take the program at all until fall 2013. Ouch. Secondly, I called everyone in my life to lift my spirits up, maybe half of them answered, my sister included. I called her for just that, some uplifting support, her views, and maybe some baby burps and squeals but nope. First thing out of her mouth was, "Have you bought your ticket yet?" And when I said, "Not yet," she's laughs. I confront her and ask her why she's laughing and her response is, "Well, I just don't think you're ever going to come out here. That's all." I tell her not to see things so negatively and go on about staying positive and having a good heart about things and before I even finish, she's already hung up. I called her back a few minutes later because I know sometimes all she really needs is a few minutes to cool off and then she's alright but nope. No answer. ugh.<br />
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I try to shrug off the evening of disappointment but can't seem to shake it. Called my aunt, whose house my sister is staying at right now, and she was answered with mere excitement and what almost could have been mistaken for my mom she says, "Mikiiiiiiii! My miki!" I instantly got a sigh of relief. After I updated her about my life and she did with hers, I told her about my frustrations with stinkin booper butt and she told me "Ali can be Ali sometimes, you just can't tell her your thoughts because she'll hold them against you for some reason down the road." That made me feel a little better. <br />
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Cam doesn't really understand why I'm upset, even though I told him about everything today, and frankly he just decided to smoke a bong hit, throw back some beers with his buddies, and forget to even care. Can't blame him though. I tried to seem as normal as possible. Guess I did I good job.<br />
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My brother is having his own conflicts within himself to even notice or care what I have been up to. I've been trying to lift his spirits lately, but it just seems like I annoy him more than anything. ugh. And of course, he definitely doesn't fall short today when I would need him to confide with.<br />
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So I've resorted my ups and downs throughout the day to the one and only thing that consistently makes me feel better after I confide with it, writing. And I'm OK with that.<br />
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I've got plenty of endeavors coming my way this year, I've decided. <span style="font-weight:bold;">1</span>, being the start of a whole new profession and product - Electric assist bicycles. I'm definitely excited to learn and grow from this opportunity to run a shop and sell a product I truly believe and know that the customer will not be ripped off. <span style="font-weight:bold;">2</span>, I am still exploring my relationship with my boyfriend and plan on traveling and enjoying this summer with him as much as possible. <span style="font-weight:bold;">3</span>, I would like to see if I can get some more modeling in this year and, in order to do that, I plan on spending some quality time exercising myself to get in better shape - <span style="font-weight:bold;">4</span>. And the obvious <span style="font-weight:bold;">5</span>, I honestly don't quite have the finances to support this time-consuming program. Oh and <span style="font-weight:bold;">6</span>, who knows the world just might end and I don't want to be stuck in school wondering how I could've spent my last days on earth. HAH! <br />
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So a big fat OH WELL and see you next year Apparel Design Program at SCC! If it's really a career meant for me and I'm still interested nine months from now, it is meant to be. As my friend Kristen just said, "Obviously you were not meant to take this program this year, you have so many other things going on anyway." And as for you Ali, you big pouting brat, I'll see you next month. I'll find a way.<br />
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Off to see, what could most likely be, one of the most horrible movies in 2012, <span style="font-style:italic;">The Devil Inside</span>. But hey, at least I can say I sat in a movie theatre in 2012. Can you tell me you have? Yeah sure...Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-39684712417149399842012-01-06T17:41:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:36:24.017-08:00Remembering her...I know my mum's birthday is 8 days away but I had to keep this somewhere safe so I can look back and remember what she'd want from me.<br />
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You can shed tears that she is gone,<br />
or you can smile because she has lived.<br />
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,<br />
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.<br />
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,<br />
or you can be full of the love you shared.<br />
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,<br />
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.<br />
You can remember her only that she is gone,<br />
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.<br />
You can cry and close your mind,<br />
be empty and turn your back.<br />
Or you can do what she'd want:<br />
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.<br />
<br />
I love you mom. It's a shame you are gone, but it could quite possibly be the biggest lesson I have and will ever learn. Never take life for granted and never limit my love.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-34584612554418301592012-01-02T19:45:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:37:30.938-08:00Old intetentions, New year to make them happen.This year, just like any other year, I find myself making resolutions to better my life and end up falling short to the throne of saving the world. I settle with the comfort I've let my life revolve around with a clear mind that maybe something that will better me might fall on my lap instead. Well, this year is definitely going to start very similar but will drastically take some changes. I want to grow and find a place where life suits me most. I want to have enough drive and wit to get there. And when I get closer I want to keep PUSHING and knowing that this is the right path for me. <br />
<br />
This year, I've made a list and it goes alittle something like this:<br />
<br />
-Make a list of tomorrow's day each night<br />
-Write at least once a week.<br />
-Eat Healthier (Control my hunger cravings!)<br />
-Drink WAY less<br />
-Find out how I can get into the Apparel Design Program THIS YEAR.<br />
-Take the prerequisites prior to enrolling.<br />
-Have more patience.<br />
-Help Seattle E-Bike reach it's full potential.<br />
-See my sister and family in other states at least TWICE this year.<br />
-Love who I am as much as possible<br />
-Love others with a PMA to back it up.<br />
-Build value to the friends I want to keep.<br />
-Quit Tia Lou's<br />
-Start doing Yoga/swimming workouts at least 4 times a week.<br />
-Do something out of my way for someone else each and every day.<br />
-Walk Daisy once a week.<br />
<br />
<br />
I look at this now and already see myself not owning up to the majority of it. I know how lazy I can be. But it is about time I stop and start taking control of my life and my future. I want this life to mean something and I want those closest to me to benefit from it.<br />
<br />
To a new year and a new attitude.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-81458795210199772482011-11-30T15:52:00.000-08:002012-12-02T13:38:52.731-08:00This Bird has landed.Too much time has slipped by without a peep on documenting my reflection. And it's not fair. This is my life and it is only flying by faster if I don't take a step back and breathe for a minute. So here I am. <br />
<br />
These days... I'm certain life is giving me more of a purpose, content that I will find my way, and ready for my next scene. More importantly, I'm so passionately in love with life. There are certain moments in my life recently that will always have it imprinted in my head. For instance, when my brother flailed his arms in the air while lip singing a remixed Britney Spears song in the car. Another occurrence that left me crying with laughter was at the club watching a foreign man dance all by himself, doing pelvic thrusts and all sorts of moves that reminded me of the movie Borat. Another was when a Zach Gilifianakis doppleganger taught me how to get crump... and his version was more of a seizure like flailing are movement. Quite entertaining. I was able to make my way down to see my sister Mandy last week. Her little Destiney is so curious and is always wanting to be a part of the conversation and getting ready. She even helps Mandy unload her groceries and listens to everything her mama tells her. What a dream child I'd like to emulate someday. <br />
<br />
Above all, my last six months of life have be dwelled on a passionate love ride with my one and only Cameron. I can't believe we've made it almost six months. I can't believe I haven't gone completely mad LIVING with him yet. I must be turning a new leaf. <br />
<br />
As the holidays roll through, I am glad to be where I'm at and surrounded by those that truly love and care about me. The only thing I feel that I'm lacking is the time I haven't spent with my other niece Aaliyah and her mama, Alaina, my blood. Believe me, my sister lets me know that I am not the best sister I can be, and there may have been more that I could have done to support her or at least visit in this last year but I have been stuck in life's blunder in Seattle. The only place I have fully enjoyed and indulged myself was at of course Burning Man. I love that place and don't ever see myself not going UNLESS, yes, I have my own child or I finally find that job that keeps me more grounded at home. Until then, I'm going to keep living my life and the three jobs I have with my loving yet demanding relationship I now have upon life I have in Seattle. I wish my family wasn't so stinkin spread out across the nation. I miss them.<br />
<br />
Life keeps ticking and this Bird has landed.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-21214915042917062912011-07-30T10:10:00.001-07:002012-12-02T13:41:03.083-08:00Nut-caseLove is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.<br />
<br />
Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:<br />
<br />
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."<br />
<br />
I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again. <br />
<br />
Then again, I am human.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-30242207823222839292011-07-14T00:27:00.000-07:002012-12-02T13:41:50.547-08:00Pondering moments at it's bestAs I read what I just wrote, I realize how I am such a fool. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I have to live with a feeling completely devoted to one person. A feeling that is so vulnerably kept in the palm of their hands to fuck with. Some people find this completely simple. Maybe because they have a simple life and can accommodate a significant other. As for me, I interact with several minds and interactions throughout the day that leer me one way and then the other. I am not saying I take their opinions in deciding my own thoughts but I have seriously considered this relationship in the last 24 hours. As much I was sure, I can't be that certain anymore. I hate this. I need to stay single for my own good. Should she fly away or make it last...<br />
<br />
ugh.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-59052108731249090592011-07-13T18:43:00.000-07:002012-12-02T13:42:41.349-08:00TakenJust two months ago I was sitting here, contemplating life and if I'll ever find someone that will truly make me happy. <br />
<br />
Story of my life. <br />
<br />
I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love. <br />
<br />
I'm scared.<br />
<br />
mMikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-80594948072734728702011-06-20T09:37:00.000-07:002012-12-02T13:45:34.718-08:00Time stopped for him.Where the hell does one go from here.<br />
<br />
My brain has drifted into clouds, my toes and fingertips are often tingly, and I am closing my eyes and picturing something alittle bit different. A clear, midnight sky full of energetic frequencies that started to become more and more parallel. And then, as if the timing and position could not be more perfect, he appears. It was where I started and exactly where I needed to be in that moment. He was right in front of me. And as if we were thinking the same exact thought in that very moment, we walk closer, and realize, it's meant to be. My new life began.<br />
<br />
The first touch came from my fingertips as I stared at him in the eyes. My hands lightly touching his arms, and then his face until I reached his lips. I knew then that he is undeniably real. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to fall but the feeling was too addicting. His presence became a drug to me at that moment. I sighed as I felt my heart beating faster; harder. I couldn't speak but I wanted to. I wanted to know I wasn't about to pour the core of my feelings into someone knowing it could very well be wasted on a thoughtless night of impulsive lust. He gazed into my eyes and stole my resisting thoughts like I was blindly hanging them right over him. I wanted to know everything about him. But that was irrelevant. That all came with time. The moment stood there, like time decided to take a break and then everything made sense. As if a symphony was about to play their first note, as if today was ending and tomorrow was no longer, I let myself fall right upon his lips that fit mine so well. We kissed. The night was ours. Our life began.<br />
<br />
Cam.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-13622973365110778372011-06-15T14:52:00.000-07:002012-12-02T13:46:44.879-08:00The answer.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUudt94v6lztgSvh98_Vt9kwkssqv7LrCDbPK7BieCB4FxJ_JEv3jCB-2p4zypyI67R-biprEB36c6MtAfq51dmGeq2wjUko2WBSsqUPpEPKrzm1H2Ig7EYuurZU1a-JElR0m1Ow/s1600/2011-06-15_12-30-16_365.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUudt94v6lztgSvh98_Vt9kwkssqv7LrCDbPK7BieCB4FxJ_JEv3jCB-2p4zypyI67R-biprEB36c6MtAfq51dmGeq2wjUko2WBSsqUPpEPKrzm1H2Ig7EYuurZU1a-JElR0m1Ow/s400/2011-06-15_12-30-16_365.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5618573113295578482" /></a><br />
<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz4UGjbPwDhFJ_0FdqPuan-QVR3jGABrdN6QS30ts37P_B0MQ3wmRw-1xSZkzavRb7iypC10JoqmgUD6xtbJcdoTsxDdkV4sOc-wh3yrsEjDN0sdsrnYKkyrteUqz5lceXciFyVQ/s1600/2011-06-15_11-53-21_824%25281%2529.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 228px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz4UGjbPwDhFJ_0FdqPuan-QVR3jGABrdN6QS30ts37P_B0MQ3wmRw-1xSZkzavRb7iypC10JoqmgUD6xtbJcdoTsxDdkV4sOc-wh3yrsEjDN0sdsrnYKkyrteUqz5lceXciFyVQ/s400/2011-06-15_11-53-21_824%25281%2529.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5618573117288621570" /></a><br />
<br />
It's quite funny how life works. I found a few jobs recently. I walked around greenlake today and stumbled across a dog trainer and a beautiful lake as a man with long hair happened to slip right into it and make the photo complete. I learned a few things while walking and talking to one of my closest friends. Simply, BREATHE. Let it all in and realize that it is OK to not know the answer. The answer will find it's way.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-16858731792087919032011-06-14T09:46:00.000-07:002012-12-02T13:50:03.350-08:00Too into the moment.I just don't know.<br />
<br />
My mind at this point is completely messed up. One day, I'm in one direction - hating men and being all my single ladies' best friend. Then the next, I'm trapped in my own emotions and I want more. Some days, I wonder what my mother would do. Some days, I just lay over the mess and stop caring. <br />
<br />
I'm lucky. I have my charm and goofiness, but also physical attraction. I never thought I would end up being this way. I can choose who I want to be with. I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. But, how do I know it's right? How can I pour all my feelings in one person or even career for the rest of my life, when I know it could be better, more satisfying elsewhere. I've watched it all before my own eyes. I've experienced it. I'm afraid. I'm tainted and a little jaded. I want it but I want it the right way. Hence why I must play the field for my own damn good. My brother tells me that men will come and go in my life; they waste my time. Maybe he's right. But maybe, it's too late.<br />
<br />
Summer is here. Times are getting more distracting. Burning man is becoming more of a priority and all I really want to do right now is work hard, make money so that by the end of the summer, I can live again. My dreams are those that don't require most of my awake life in front of a screen, working a nine to five. My dreams ache for something more... something that requires depth, growth, and exotic opportunities.. <br />
<br />
The time of my life is NOW.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-7269806809413261632011-05-20T00:40:00.000-07:002011-06-01T12:09:57.528-07:00Flying into a new year; new life.I... Got inspired.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho07WDJkp49SY9adWLB4CCke7MYVWKcgGVU-X9mOkKXyzSdG2lDrpTEaODup4LzW72YhCEQBfA_FGYJVV5pa8kL29tqvoT1NCjIT1Fb7gzStDi8BgVjdWxxfCvRxwS_GaoLrOp-g/s1600/115.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 334px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho07WDJkp49SY9adWLB4CCke7MYVWKcgGVU-X9mOkKXyzSdG2lDrpTEaODup4LzW72YhCEQBfA_FGYJVV5pa8kL29tqvoT1NCjIT1Fb7gzStDi8BgVjdWxxfCvRxwS_GaoLrOp-g/s400/115.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5608702589690337890" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij_O2V5NtiXN8VxFT0oLawlG6TYQupH0gZvIHoCg-55bn8pWORJ4qI18wk-hxNaA43KebvZL704oii4aXqQAR7kzATuJoWtVASq-sFIDoBmWCQ9neCzIc_kA3AojpgJvvGuHAVrA/s1600/feathers.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 313px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij_O2V5NtiXN8VxFT0oLawlG6TYQupH0gZvIHoCg-55bn8pWORJ4qI18wk-hxNaA43KebvZL704oii4aXqQAR7kzATuJoWtVASq-sFIDoBmWCQ9neCzIc_kA3AojpgJvvGuHAVrA/s400/feathers.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5608702586193388002" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJU3MmiHbfxec0IJfsTPJcFwHqtXj_xJ-T7o1sbbHLViJ0tAPU16qXEgd0IucTsu2RK6QPQSMtNHgyrsStBf_Gv9KIhHNHGXuBpfJLROmjI-ZayBqeGAFjUyxYLoUYPBqbT0WzSQ/s1600/6a00e551ae05e38834010535b3d27a970b-800wi.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 350px; height: 243px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJU3MmiHbfxec0IJfsTPJcFwHqtXj_xJ-T7o1sbbHLViJ0tAPU16qXEgd0IucTsu2RK6QPQSMtNHgyrsStBf_Gv9KIhHNHGXuBpfJLROmjI-ZayBqeGAFjUyxYLoUYPBqbT0WzSQ/s400/6a00e551ae05e38834010535b3d27a970b-800wi.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5608702578605604498" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_BIF5eJ42i7JyXpeDgEG1RCBjQWmJZXusDDRH87JmuANs23DwiB53HJNbJ1nYYM-G9sSqW94B1_5vPiSyot24coZgqkhT4-CW89DAGPsJO_ZMz6mhR79ZAUpVPSEH-zDFCMkZXw/s1600/feathers+back+fashion+unique.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 305px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_BIF5eJ42i7JyXpeDgEG1RCBjQWmJZXusDDRH87JmuANs23DwiB53HJNbJ1nYYM-G9sSqW94B1_5vPiSyot24coZgqkhT4-CW89DAGPsJO_ZMz6mhR79ZAUpVPSEH-zDFCMkZXw/s400/feathers+back+fashion+unique.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5608702592843742066" /></a><br /><br />Feathers... such a simple thing, yet so satisfying. It's fragile nature and soft approach makes anyone look so elegant, so flawless. Weightless and free to live and be wherever they choose. To see life in the most beautifully perfect way, as it should always be. Oh feathers, you complete me.<br /><br />-M.BirdMikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-81090095141782089672011-05-05T12:16:00.000-07:002011-05-05T13:30:09.504-07:00Jagged morning.Sometimes, all I want to do is run. Run away from all my obligations in life and find some sort of outdoor summer energy in the air to take me to a better state in mind. Being tough catches up to me. I can't pretend or bluff it all the time. I swirled my energy around this last week in all sorts of different directions. Playing it "cool" and listening too much. Now I have the thought of Mother's day coming up and my 25th birthday that I haven't even began to wrap my head around yet. I just feel like a getaway.<br /><br />I want my mom to fall back on; to embrace when I'm in a sticky situation. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO SO SOON?! I wish I could shake her soul and then hold her hand and walk her back to life. Tell her things will get better and I'll never leave her side ever again. I bet if I led her the right way and hung out with her she wouldn't have left so soon. Same with my grandfather. <br /><br />I am looking back at this year. The parties, the drinking, the boys, the jobs, living at the Buddhaful house. Is this the direction I wanted? I'm questioning my actions today more than any other day and feel like I need to shift a few things around. Stick the drinking back in the cabinet, tell the parties I'll take a rain check, stop wasting my time on stupid fucking boys, and move out of the house and friends that facilitates all of that. I'm over it. I want a fresh new start. <br /><br />I'm going to start finding new activities. Maybe a team to be a part of once again. Some classes I can start taking to better myself. A guitar. A sewing machine. Another outlet to direct my thoughts and views on this crazy life I've obtained thus far. Who knows, maybe after burning man this year I can actually make a move out of this country.<br /><br />I want to be so much in my life. I just hope I don't disappoint myself down the road. I know my mom would be proud of me. Her support always drove me further.<br /><br />I miss her so much but I know that is not my life anymore and it will never be. ::slapping my face:: I got this.<br /><br />I'm glad I got that out... whew.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-68072479276851088172011-04-27T01:25:00.000-07:002011-05-20T00:40:38.417-07:00Needy thoughts; ambitious delerium.I have decided yesterday that I will be on a healthy kick. Today, I've managed to pass on going out but yet still eat alot of food. I'm constructing lists to enforce that I remember to make myself feel bad if I don't get it done. I need to stop being afraid. hah. That is the last thing my friends would say that I am. But that one feeling and that other one called love are the only two REAL feelings that each one of us truly feels. Everything else is branched off from that core feeling of fear and love. I read that somewhere. Makes sense right? So fear I must fight. every. day.<br /><br />Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not focused enough to point my finger and say THAT is what I'm supposed to do today. "Sorry friends, I can't go to the park on this fine day and have a picnic" ... "Sorry photographer, I cannot make this shoot happen for the benefit of your portfolio" ... "Sorry booze, I cannot continue to let me feel good and distract me from my obligations tomorrow." Sorry. I get it. I'm mislead into a for-now-happiness and a let-down-future. I need more. When will that fucking light bulb go on already?<br /><br />Tomorrow will be my new day. I will wake up and run outside. Breathe spring's motivation and ignore the clouds around it. I am going to taste a plan tomorrow and man it's going to be sweet. A friend wants to see me but he's just going to have to wait. I can feel it taking me over into a dazzling reflection of the water's echo. I can see myself, glowing with excitement for my next, fulfilling project (whatever that may be) while allowing my partner to let his satisfied soul rest where mine is. And life will be good.<br /><br />I want to have my own indoor pool where I can have private events. Splash the interior with bright, vibrant colors with lights streaming along the sides and around the pool. A ceiling of a clear, sun-fulled, blue sky with real palm trees in the corners. Maybe even a slide. And the pool takes up half the room that is half the size of a football field. <br /><br />I want a clothing line filled with feathers. I want a feather-rimmed skirt with feather arm warmers and barrettes. I want feather patterns and flying birds printed on my t-shirts and skirts. Bright shirts only. I want my own dang feather symbol already.<br /><br />I want to have a studio where I can create such fine pieces of material with all sorts of fabrics and buttons and a couple sewing machines, but not only that. I want a music area where I can have beautiful sounds flowing out of my room with mounds of motivation behind it. I also want a canvas in my crafty room so I can paint what I feel in my head that can't be explained and a pottery area in case I want to get my hands dirty or accidentally break dishes and need more.<br /><br />I want to take amazing pictures with a 35 mm digital camera. PLEASE. I want them all to be of my traveling through the world's adventures. I want to sky dive each place I go to and I want no one to come with me. <br /><br />I REALLY need voice lessons. That way I can start being more confident on stage or wherever I am.<br /><br />I want to win the lottery so I can accomplish all of this. I wish I was raised in a world of non-monetary things. My goals could be accomplished much easier that way. I hope I find my nitch and I'm proud of myself for it because so far... well, I still have a ways and I'm just getting started. <br /><br />I want to be crazy in a good way all the time and I want my success to prove it. That is all. Good night.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-40615509719450711152011-04-14T12:57:00.000-07:002011-04-14T13:50:56.658-07:00Slap-in-the-face day.Gosh I wake up too late.<br /><br />Dreaming, I blame.<br /><br />The world is doomed.<br /><br />My brother is leaving soon.<br /><br />Life seems quiet.<br /><br />...<br /><br />..<br /><br />.<br /><br />Catching up.......... No tears, no heartbreaks, no games. Life is good but not potent enough for me. I am always craving something with more flavor and style. More beautiful problems to handle. A pleasurable misery sounds good to me. Going out remains the same, until my brother leaves that is. It's hard to say no with him around. I want more to my life all the time. And it doesn't have to be about love. I need to start making moves. I TURN 25 NEXT MONTH. yikes.<br /><br />I need a life disciplinary WAKE the FUCK UP call. I keep existing in places that will never make me ultimately happy in the end. <br /><br />Today, I will ponder. Let those thoughts resonate and come up with a plan to conquer and dominate and TAKE control of my life. If I don't, I will be in an undying search for it. GAH. If I could only win the lottery, I could rule this messed up, corrupt world.<br /><br />At the end of the day, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Content and ready to learn.<br /><br />The end.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-62710623965050296832011-02-11T16:10:00.000-08:002011-03-08T12:38:51.932-08:00Marching forward; no looking back.As the New Year has arrived in full force. I have found myself quite minimal in my prospective writing abilities that I just didn't care. I have also propelled a few activities and eliminated some other thoughts and activities completely. Right now, I'm content with where I'm at mentally. Finally and again.<br /><br />For a while, I was stuck on someone that was stuck on someone else. It was a painful chain of attached feelings and with the strength of my experiences dealing with these same feelings before, I was finally able to let it go and fade away. I kept holding on for something that it simply could not be... I wouldn't say never, but not now. Definitely. I only wish him the best.<br /><br />That happened about a month ago. <br /><br />Since then, I've focused alot more on my ladies that stand by my side no matter what once again and I've been going out and working out in between working more, well until recently. I wouldn't say it's been unhealthy lately, but I've taken my going out and actually functioning the next day to a whole different level. Maybe it's to numb the pain. But I think more importantly, I'm having fun. I am having so much fucking fun I can't help but smile.<br /><br />I found a path for myself above all else and that is the most important of them all. I am getting closer to a career of my own and a life I will love. I'm ready. So unbelievably ready. <br /><br />As I come to these new realizations in my life, I let go of ones that just did NOT work for me. I have sacrificed a chunk of my happiness working at my latest job. I got fired yes. But I asked for it. Came into work feeling sick, threw up right in front of the place and got sent home. Hours later, I receive a TEXT saying I've been let go. Really. In a way I was embarrassed, but for the most part I'm relieved. I now have more opportunities of being greater that lie ahead. I now can say, within the seven lousy months that I worked there, I am now a part of the 16 people that have been let go like I have or simply walked out.<br /><br />This is a funny time in my life right now. I've been going out and creating such miraculous moments that will not go unforgotten. I've met such talented people and I've been laughing uncontrollably in between with those that make me the happiest. This last weekend was NOTHING short of that. This weekend was like a parade after that big, long rainstorm that defines my last job. That rollercoaster of emotions and feeling like I was not good enough had VANISHED after this weekend. We went to see a marching band, but I can guarantee it is not what one would think. 30 instrumentalists, face paint, and a whole lot of gypsy, free spirits make the March Fourth Marching Band. And after all the chanting, stomping and dancing was done, they all decided to take it all to the house and jam out some more. Up until the wee hours in the morning, we were creating magical sounds and sharing dreams. It was inspiring to say the LEAST. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOr9V8H4VQfKdQnpTItmWqNqA8n2V77fqxomFGanD5f8YuxoVlfL_enECHWp0rpAowJVXfxcHYOFprnlYuTcahXqjoibDdtlP_krZw7i6ix8JqFXKIVu_t1YrMW6Y2L4rHva6lw/s1600/M4.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 170px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEOr9V8H4VQfKdQnpTItmWqNqA8n2V77fqxomFGanD5f8YuxoVlfL_enECHWp0rpAowJVXfxcHYOFprnlYuTcahXqjoibDdtlP_krZw7i6ix8JqFXKIVu_t1YrMW6Y2L4rHva6lw/s320/M4.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5581807975109796290" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4qY8SKzb8rivUb8cQjDe1bREuNuN26gutQFst8iXACrbnLsgQpKeBuSs1oWldjeQ4Rb8yIo60ZXKnrvgd_ycQ7U99_r87WJDlGrVyf0PeCwQOIaGAoNUwGlrthR96F0oCvPUqsQ/s1600/march_fourth_marching_band.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 215px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4qY8SKzb8rivUb8cQjDe1bREuNuN26gutQFst8iXACrbnLsgQpKeBuSs1oWldjeQ4Rb8yIo60ZXKnrvgd_ycQ7U99_r87WJDlGrVyf0PeCwQOIaGAoNUwGlrthR96F0oCvPUqsQ/s320/march_fourth_marching_band.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5581808166915600994" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW2HKHyVTLcflyzj0DbT4G-vgCRSLme7KHr1YxHjKI6AWNIgraz20Updr6_IZEKfme6101aN1BcxSBnpEuxOhdr1cVz-lFQ1AcgKiw-c4oQJtljK0sc58If-UJhNf0t6ryp7X7nQ/s1600/MarchFourth+Marching+Band.image.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW2HKHyVTLcflyzj0DbT4G-vgCRSLme7KHr1YxHjKI6AWNIgraz20Updr6_IZEKfme6101aN1BcxSBnpEuxOhdr1cVz-lFQ1AcgKiw-c4oQJtljK0sc58If-UJhNf0t6ryp7X7nQ/s400/MarchFourth+Marching+Band.image.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5581808979491648306" /></a><br /><br />THANK you for the ride you guys. I'm going to find them at the burn this year. I must.<br /><br />SPEAKING OF.<br /><br />After three productive camp meetings, my group and I still haven't come up with a GOOD theme and I'm starting to get worried, since we only have a couple weeks until our proposal must be submitted. EEK! We have BIG ideas this year. Bigger than any other year of course. And we're trying to figure out what will make us shine. Lego Castle camp? FireFLIES camp with a fire truck? Big ol' Furry ANIMAL camp? We have some humps to get over.<br /><br />Until then, I will be gradually seeking employment while receiving unemployment, creating ideas, taking mini road trips, brewing more dreams for my future, and playing with hearts if they deserve it. Don't take that the wrong way silly boys. =)<br /><br />Hawl... ERR.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-35375655171564474062010-11-20T03:00:00.001-08:002010-11-20T12:39:20.135-08:00Never a dull momentI want to say so much but the blank unwritten blog is intimidating me...<br /><br />Here we go.<br /><br />First off, wow. My life has been turned upside-down. Then again, when does it not? I have three jobs right now. I like it, however, I'm run down and I don't like that feeling. I want to be 100% in everything I do but tonight I couldn't hide my dragging face towards the end of the third day at my new job. I hope they don't think I'm already over working there. I've come to realize the more I stay in the restaurant industry, the less tolerant I have become. Being fake is not in my nature, and that is all they want to see sometimes. I can be professional, but not fake. As much as I can't wait for the festivities tomorrow, I'm ready for the weekend to be over so I can start focusing on my future plans more.<br /><br />Speaking of the weekend,GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEDRIVE is on! I've been helping Mike plan this event for weeks now and finally the time has come. Fashion show, art displays, DJ's from all over (which whom are snoring soundly at the house as I'm writing), and a wholllle lotta booty shaking is what this bird is about to get herself into. Oh yeah, and I'm going to finally break the seal. I have not drank since Halloween and boy that has been a struggle. But I'm proud of myself for saying NO to drink offers on numerous occasions these past few weeks. I'm stronger than I thought.<br /><br />Other than all that jazz, how am I feeling lately? My friends are good, my life is busy and slightly hard to keep up with, my goals are brewing, my passions are finally bursting out of its' shells, but how is Mikaela on the deeper front? I'm feeling ultimately on a content level and stable ground. However, no matter what, I'm still fighting that urge to want someone and embrace them wholeheartedly without ever letting go. Lonely, in other words. I'm afraid if and when I do find that in my life, will that be enough? I've been so there for my friends lately and they have right back. I've even had some good cuddling nights. I speak as the strong force for my friends that have fallen weak with settling in their relationships. Shit, I've basically gone pro with how many times I've had to mind slap people to wake them up and realize what they DO have in their life and how they CHOOSE what they want and how they feel. So why do I still have this burning feeling of emptiness in my chest? I don't think I'll ever be able to let that feeling I had with this person go... I keep preaching to others and reaffirming myself that "YOU are the ultimate manifestation of what you define life to be, whether it is raising a family, pumping that adrenaline and not being afraid, or making a passion a successful career and changing the world. This life is yours, so what really matters to you at the end of the day?" So stop worrying about what it is they want from you and start focusing on your needs for once. For me, my goals and meaning in life change so often that I can't ever pin it down for what I want to follow through with. But now, I've decided it's time to finally start biting the bullet and start making dreams come true little by little, day by day.<br /><br />On that note of bouncy thoughts, dreams are where my mind floats off to next. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-83200618297937863932010-11-12T10:16:00.000-08:002010-11-12T13:19:23.069-08:00Taking it in stride, then leaps.Each day I wake up, I usually get struck with unexpected news. Yesterday, happened to be more strikes than normal. It was Veteran's day. <br /><br /><a href="http://s15.photobucket.com/albums/a353/mikaelabird/?action=view¤t=75632_10100127296753188_10708487_53520202_1343650_n.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a353/mikaelabird/75632_10100127296753188_10708487_53520202_1343650_n.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />It started off with a blood warm sunrise that peaked off Mount Rainier. My friend captured this. It made me feel happy to be right here, living in the heart of Seattle.<br /><br />Cuddling close to my roommate, Mike, and Allison, my day started. I come to find out first that my other roommate, Bonnie, has lost her grandmother. It effected her pretty deep considering she grew up in her grandmother's house her entire childhood. That woman was the rock of the family and she couldn't imagine life without her, until now.<br /><br />After feeling her pain, I come to find out that my favorite bartender at my new job, got canned after five years of working there. Just like that. No warning, with all those years of showing his loyalty to the company. Not to mention, he informed me that they were thinking of firing me as well, for no reason besides business being slow and me not "getting it" enough. After only a month of working there, I've come to realize they are the most egotistical, inconsiderate individuals I've ever worked for.<br /><br />On top of that, my two good friends have split. I have spent my last year with Dylan and consider him one of my nearest and best friends in my life. Allison came into the picture about 6 months ago and we've all connected since then. It's just sad and unfortunate to see two beautiful souls separate their love for one another. I mean, no one wants to see that however on my behalf, this only adds on to my single lag.<br /><br />On other terms, I'm taking everything in and seeing it all in a positive way. I've become more calm and reassured that I'm going to get through this. In time, I will have a life I've been destined for. I know I have it in me. I finally know what I need to do that will provide the utmost happiness in my life. Now, I just need to put it all together. Being 24, could most likely be my best year yet, especially in transformation.<br /><br /><a href="http://s15.photobucket.com/albums/a353/mikaelabird/?action=view¤t=fall2010-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a353/mikaelabird/fall2010-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” -Charles PalahniukMikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-8046271853572521842010-10-26T03:00:00.001-07:002010-11-03T02:46:54.866-07:00This too shall passWHAT A LIFE.<br /><br />I just can't go too much into detail. I realize being open online just doesn't do me any justice. <br /><br />What was the purpose of this blog in the first place anyway? Not to explain what I do every day. Not to necessarily vent (however I tend to do that just to avoid speaking nonsense to unassuming ears), but to explain how I feel in this very moment of time in my life. Knowing that, I've realized the following...<br /><br />I felt, for a while now, that I wanted to try and get myself a man. I've been feeling alittle lonely in this single world. I tried. Finally, after fighting the urge for over 3 years of the single life, I started 'dating.' I put just about %100 into everything I found potential with. Chose the ones you'd never expect me to choose as a potential partner. Unfortunately, nothing worked in the end. And the moral of the story? I realized how much I've taken my independence for granted. All the drama and sticky situations that you find yourself entangled with have now vanished. There is no going back and I am fine with that. I have to start setting my boundaries and stop wasting my time on weak individuals. Give me someone real and talented. I'm exhausted with those that just keep bringing me down. This is MY time.<br /><br />Looking from the outside in, I can't believe how fortunate I am. Granted, I'm just starting to get on my feet again since Burning Man. I'm finally where I want to be; where I CHOOSE to be. I'm not doing what anyone else is telling me to. I'm not living someone else's life. This one is all mine. I'm sorry but "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!!!!!" haha... oh wait oh wait. Damn my landmark class. Wasn't I supposed to get over that already? hah. <br /><br />As far as careers go, I'm really starting to see things a bit clearer. Life is starting to formulate. And my magically ways of talking about what I'm interested in doing with my life to ANYONE is paying off. I don't want to go into too much detail until I understand what it takes to fulfill my destiny. It's been a LONG time since I've gotten anywhere close to a passion that I'd like to leak into my future career; the rest of my life! It feels good. It's about time!<br /><br />Anyway, exhaustion is powering over me. I wish I could never sleep at this point in my life. I'm so anxious to start making something happen, something MINE for once.<br /><br />Oh dreams that can be real life situations; you consume me.<br /><br />Night world.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6438498.post-45924520051007402502010-10-18T02:48:00.000-07:002010-10-18T03:18:23.671-07:00Late Night Catch-up.Sometimes I let such simple things get the best of me. Sometimes I forget why I'm really here, living and breathing, on this planet. I think about how life could be different if I were a different race, different culture. How fortunate I really am this far is so amazing to feel right now. At this very point in my life, I have manifested such great people with alot of passion and insight. I've been stumped on numerous occasions by beauty I have never thought existed and breathless by stories I never knew could happen. I know, without a doubt, I'm lucky. <br /><br />This weekend, I got to witness a friend 'open' her eyes and crawl out of her comfort shell she carefully concocted over the last 3 years to maintain that 'stable' life. A relationship where neither wanted to be alone, however neither were compatible either. Finally, she decided that instead of not having the guts to say goodbye, she truly wanted her partner to be happy and she knew she wasn't enough. So she let go. Cold turkey. SINGLE AS CAN BE! Another one bites the dust.<br /><br />In other notes, my sister is officially hmm ALMOST DUE. Something around 45 days or so until a Avaline Michelle pops out of that booper belly. I think about her a lot and how her life is going to be so different for the rest of her life. Nothing but poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and squealing cries are going to what consumes her life. Oh, joy. But really, I'm thoroughly stoked for her new arrival and life. I hope it comes easier to her than expected.<br /><br />I have officially MOVED TO SEATTLE AND I LOVE IT. Life can't be much better/independent. I'm finding a whole new outlet for creating paths that I could follow through with for the rest of my life, and not find out half-way down the road that it's doesn't interest me anymore. I've been interacting with people that DO follow their vision, or dream if you rather. I've also gone the other route, finding out what it is that I definitely don't want to be doing. The simple question I always ask, "so what is it that you do? (what is it that you have that I don't have?)" Then I sit there and see if that is a lifestyle suitable for me. So far, I've found out that I definitely DON'T want to be a nurse, cocktail waitress, bar owner, accountant, drug dealer, lawyer, officer of any kind, insurance broker or any sort of corporate job. I have brewed a few things in mind but I'd rather know more about it before I start sharing. <br /><br />I'm working, saving money, and loving life right now. I've met a few men in the last couple months that might have potential, and are most definitely keeping me smiling for the most part, but you never know. I never try to expect too much from the opposite sex. I've learned that.<br /><br />I miss my old life sometimes. I have been talking about Minnesota often. My old bull dog, my step dad and his goofy ways, my mom. It's weird that 7 years ago, a life got flipped upside down and gets brought into a whole new lifestyle, and even now you just can't let it go. Too many objects, songs, pictures, movies, hair dos and sayings remind me, and will always remind me, of where I came from. Boop says I should be talking to a therapist (like she is) once a week. Just to talk and let it out. I know it can't hurt. I'll look into it.<br /><br />I'm officially tired. Lynzie comes in town tomorrow and Ben at the end of the week! Then, Seacompression and Halloween are about to bring a whole light of wicked and wild memories to reflect on. Oh the joy of seasons changing.<br /><br />Goodnight.Mikihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16914067296571680324noreply@blogger.com1