There I goo...

Today has been a day where I've been pulled in all directions. I try to make everyone happy but theres just not enough time in a day to do that. Maybe I just have poor communication or maybe I tend to over-book my days, but with everyone backing out of their orginal plans these days who wouldnt? They all just seemed to be pretty accountable today damnit. I feel like shit now and I needed to express that thought. Now I must do something for myself by going to this meeting to supposedly make my life a breeze in the long run. Until then, I'm eating shit.

Everything else in my life thats been weighing me down is still in the process of changing but I'm still not quite there. I'm talking mainly about bills...

anyways, "I'm on a hurry to get things and I'm rushin, rushin till life's no funn. All I really gotta do is live and die and I'm in a hurry and don't know whyy" hahah

laterrr

SURRENDERED

The way you make me feel is hard to explain...
It feels so real. Its the realist fantasy I've lived.
But what if it isnt real?
What if I've become this character in this fantasy game your playing?
My love for you at this point has no control.
You have me hung like a puppet... reacting to every string you pull.
How did I let myself go this far?
No one has made this deep of a connection with me.
I gladly kept it that way my entire life.
Backed away from any emotional trap that could potentially hurt me.
They'd usually back off from my defenses and were never heard of again.
Then their comes you...
My defenses were strong. I saw the way you were.
You're envied and liked by many and I didn't want you to have my satisfaction.
I let myself ignore what I really felt for you.
I backed you off time and time again, but you held up strong and was always there.
Then I start to become weaker as I'm become more intrigued.
My caution lights towards you were flashing but I kept going anyway.
I tried to stay strong but your words seeped through my soul, my body and took me over.
Then I question.. Where is this going? When will you come around?
I feel insufficiant, unworthy of your time, and taken for granted.
Even when you swear against it.
You ask if I chose you. OF COURSE I have and why?
You've brought out another side in me, a side no one has seen before.
I've told you things, things that no one knows.
I've grown this aching desire, this feeling for you that no one has endured from me.
Why have I chosen you? thats why.
You're it, as much as I want to fight it.
There's not a day that goes by anymore that I don't think about you, miss you.
I feel like I've fallen in that emotional trap I was afraid of all along.
But I fell for you. I fell deep this time. And I'm afraid I can't find my way out.
Tell me what I've done to deserve this time without you.
This feeling keeps growing and it will never end.
And it hurts more every day.
Then I rethink... wait..
I read what I've wrote and I laugh.
I'm stronger than this I just know it.
I'll walk around like you've never crossed my mind.
But the more I try to ignore you, the more I can't stop thinking about you.
You've managed to shatter my defenses and hold me down.
I'm powerless now.
I'm weak and unarmed.
So either take my surrender and redeem the pain
Or kill me out of your life

because I hate living in suspense like this. I cant do it anymore.... I'm sorry.
I love you... too much baby... too much.

I HAVE NO LIFE

SO I figured that LATELY my job likes to schedule me to work weekend night shifts so when I'm off work around 11... I want to go do something but I never have enough energy as everyone else because all I want to do is sit down because I've been on my feet all day... I dont think I've actually gotten drunk for at least 3 weeks now. I haven't really gone OUT like I used to either. And I'm not even that bummed about it. I don't care or worry about where the next crazy PARTY is at. I don't really feel all that bummed when people I know tell me how much of a blast they had on a boat, or how crazy a house party was or whatever it is thats worth bragging about in their book. I've heard it all... been there... done my partying to a point where it was every day. I think thats what people still see in me, but it's really not who I am anymore. I work my ass off all the time and I've started this online bizz... that my mind is somewhere other than finding the next party... My mind is now set on my future, FOR ONCE and not wasted on the present highlife.

I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"

I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....

anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m

Looking AHEAD

For a good portion of my life, I had it together. I had a job, I was always in a sport or being active, a good set of close friends, good grades and relationships with teachers, a loving family, even a freakin family dog. My mind was full of ambition and drive that would find me into new clubs and being highly competitive with grades and sports. I may have even been somewhat of a dork/nerd/loser whatever you want to call it but I was happy. I didn't care! I had everything I needed that would get me by easily in the world. Nothing could stop me and I was never weighed down.

Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.

for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.

I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.

All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.

I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.

Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.

And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...

later thoughts

Filled with pain... inside and out.

Last thursday turned into such a long day for mikaela bird. After a long, but succussful day of work, sarah wanted to go out and have fun. Since she was my ride I really didnt have a choice even though I really just wanted to go home. ... beggers can't be choosers right? SO, we end up going to a bar in kirkland... I take in drink after drink... to keep myself up and ready to go. When I got to a state in mind where I was pleasantly drunk but still tired as hell, I go outside to smoke a cigarette alone, and call the man of my dreams. I begged, I bribed, I pleaded for him to take me away. All I ever wanted was to see him and it really became an issue for me that night. He confirmed that he was coming but made some excuse so that I had to wait. I waited. and waited. No call back. During that time, I leave with my good friend Eli and leave all my other girls behind, knowing they had their own destinations of partying that night. Hours and hours go by and we're all still up and hanging out. It really was a good time for me. We got to know eachother better as friends... we had one of those nights where we both went through out childhoods and how hard it was growing up for the both of us. It was nice saying it to someone that could relate and seemed geniunely interested in my past. But still, I was hurt that I didn't hear from bryan and he didnt follow through once again. I wasn't mad though. I can't be with him. He just means too much to me. Finally, I get back home at 4 or 5 in the morning and pass out. I couldn't really pass out until 7 because of everything that went on, knowing that I had work at 10:30 the next day.

Friday, oh man, was a hard working day for me. I can't explain how hard hosting can be sometimes. All the servers seemed to be extra bitchy to me, I think they just needed someone to blame for the fact that it was a very busy and an almost unbearably humid day. I tried making everyone happy but hey sometimes you cant change the fact that theres 5 slow old grumpy 70 year olds coming in, or a family with 5 kids and a screaming baby, or teenage kids that are cheap and snotty as hell... Along with that bringing me down today, I worked 11 hours the day before and had only 2 hours of sleep. no joke. I was BEAT starting from when I woke up. I sleepwalk into work and try sooo hard to sustain my eyes from closing. I was a zombie... but somehow, alot of mountain dew and screaming voices around me kept me going. I was fine, I had a few good times in my day where people were actually being accepting as a human being and everyone seemed to have been getting good tables. then I crashhh...

the next host comes in and I bolt for anything to lay on. I find a cement floor in the break room. Heck, that was good enough for me. I could hardly walk at that point. I got a good hour and a half of sleep and wake up to sarah's phone call.. I answer half asleep and actually cozy on the chalky hard floor to her telling me I had to go back to work. The rest of the night after that was HELL. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. But I kept trying and sucked it up. Every server seemed to have something negative to say every table I sat them. I was sexually harrassed that night, we had to kick the guy out actually. I dropped a glass and it broke onto a little boy, that made me feel horrible. I was cleaning a table and out of nowhere this squirming, nasty bug appears. THEN, on top of that, I get yelled at my manager for not being motivated enough.

I finally got out of the hell hole at around 10:30 and sarah was tired as well THANK GOD, so we get home to our beds calling out our names. I passed out so fast and didn't wake up until the next day of working.

ok, I just don't want to talk about work anymore.... I worked 40 hours this week and I'm DONE... haha well until tomorrow. But still... I can relax and enjoy this time away from the RB.

In between all the chaos this weekend, I thought about my mom alot. I miss her alot sometimes and when life gets tough she always seems to come floating to the top of my head. I was explaining to this older man that came into work that I wanted a tattoo of her on my back. I really want to do this and I've been thinking about it for so long. I just think she is alot of me, more than I knew. If I had a tattoo to represent her on my body, it would be something I would never regret. I cried on friday thinking about it, after coming home from that stressful day. And on top of that, all the bills I have to pay off, and how much my life has changed to make it more difficult to live... it all just seems to boil down on me when I have one of those trying days I guess. I had to let it all out.

SATURDAY, I work my second day of 11 hours, which seemed to go by a bit more smoothely, and after I find a ride home with a server. I spend my saturday night smoking a joint with him and having a few beers, while conversing about the ways of men and women. This really is meant for another blog but to sum it up... we both analyzed the brains of the two genders and how they function. We came to the conclusion that if a guy thinks a girl is attractive, they usually start pushing buttons to see how far they will let them go. If she backs away, they know not to go further or to take it slower... OR if they react positively to the mans sly ways, its alllll game and turns into a wild night. OK, then there's the type where if a guy really likes a girl, they tend to either not bring out their personality or avoid them because they are afraid of being rejected by that on single person. "Hey, you can get blown off by attractive looking girls, but if you actually really like her and care for her then youre terrified of rejection so you avoid all oppurtunities where theres a chance of being rejected" is what he said. I can believe that too. BUT STILL, inside a womans brain is like "what the hell are you doing?? I'm still waiting for you to ask me out... (wandering eyes) oh hes kinda cute." I realized women can get distracted easily if they aren't getting some sort of dominating moves from a man, that is if they are not sure if they like this person... they're looks are in... but does the personality match? Women, believe it or not, go for personality more than many might think.

I could keep typing the conversation we had ... but we were indeed high and we went on for a while about it. Shit though, everyone loves talking about the opposite sex... it's intriguing for our young, naive minds.

Now I'm here, it's sunday. I worked earlier today, which was so low key that I hardly worked. I had a good time goofing off thats for sure. I was supposed to go out on a boat today but it just didn't work out so I came home... and fell asleep. now, I'm about to take a shower as I ponder if I should continue drinking beers until I pass out again or if I should actually go out ... hmmm.

Anyway, until next time ... later thoughts

M

MY BREAK

I know it's sad... the only break I get in my day I spend writing a blog. What can I say though? it's soothing words for my souuul.

I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...

I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land

"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.

three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me

annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.

somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again

tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home

nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.

until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!

....god, I hope tonight works out...

The adventures of CAMP CHAOS

Oh, what a weekend I have had. A very chaotic weekend might I add. I couldn't have needed another weekend like this more. Except maybe one thats on an exotic beach with candles all around me and bryan by my side. (haha... yeah right) THIS weekend worked out just fine though.

DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.

Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.

DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.

A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.

ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.

from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.

Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.

right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.

until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.

Mikaela Fuckin' Bird

Driving away....

these past few nights, I've had a blast getting trashed at the apartment with everyone and running into a bunch of people I havent seen in a long time. I guess thats summer for ya though.

FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P

I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))

In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.

DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.

M

Empty stomach, empty mind

GRRRR everything I just wrote was completely erased on accident. I hate that but at least I can express it all over again. AHH and I was just about to get some food because I havent ate anything in a whole 24 hours. shit. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I love food, I love cooking food, and I work at a fuckin restaurant for god's sake.

So, where I left off with my roommate resulted in avoiding our potential arguement for clarity on both behalfs because it just wasnt worth my breath. She came home and since then we just put it in the back of our heads and pretended we never even fought. Thats how we are though, we just keep things unresolved because in the end, we'll end up making up and realizing that it was pathetic to be even fighting in the first place.

Since then, there's been a few events that have gone my way and made my life a bit easier and less stressful. I'm talking to bry alot more, and he seems to be actually coming through (or at least trying to). I feel that he could be coming out of the black hole of this long overdue mystery, but then again I don't want to say that because knowing me I'll end up jinxing myself haha. Theres not a minute that goes by that hes not in my head. And now half the time I'm thinking about him I'm at least talking to him and not sitting and ripping my hair out waiting for him to make a move. So I guess thats good right? One step closer... hah..

Another event is that Sarah got a DUI about a week ago. I know I shouldn't be happy about that by any means. But because she got that... she thinks its stupid to move back to florida so soon. She was going to leave in two weeks, and now shes not thinking about moving until the end of the summer, whenever she can get her DUI handled and out of the way. That means, I won't have to find another roommate which is practically unrealistic timing, pay more for rent or MOVE once again into somewhere cheaper. I hate packing and leaving. At this point I'm glad that I get to sit here and lay back and not always be on-the-go or unhappy about where I'm living. Moving does not have to be on my mind for at least another month.

One other event that I can think about that helps me out is a CAR. I need one damnit... I'm wasting alot of time taking the bus and I would LOVE to just be in control and get from point A to point B without having to transfer buses or taking the wrong bus and ending up in the complete opposite direction. I talked to this older guy and he has a honda civic he's willing to give me for 500 bucks. not too bad right? not that classy either but hey I got somethin goin for me.

As far as my life goes, I dont think I'm much of a happy camper but I'm better than what I was and fortunate for what I have. I just feel like I don't get a good grip out of life sometimes when it gets so complicated. I want to go back to being a kid where life was simple, days were longer, less stress was met, and decisions made were clear and instinctful. I wish I could be takin back to better days and feel like this time in between isn't wasting me away. Until then, I will have to deal with it and make the most out of what I have - or dont have -

I NEED to eat now... I'm starting to bite my nails- thats always a sign :P

later thoughts... later days...

stupid fights in the summer heat...

Today is one of my days off this week. I just so happen to get a few less shifts for working as the weather gets hotter and more like summer. So, I've been out on a boat pretty much every day and then partying after. Today rolls around and I'm now beat and sore and tired. It feels good knowing I have nothing to do. After all the swimming and boating I've endured the last few days I can hardly move anyway.

In between all the fun, there always has to be alittle drama in my life. I got into a fight with my roommate, Sarah. She's really been irritating me lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Just the way she acts and her reactions to what I say tend to piss me off. Sometimes, she can really put people down, even people she doesnt even know. And other times she gets mad at me because she thinks I use her when I ask for a ride somewhere. However, I put money in her tank so that she can... And then sometimes she just is completely out of the party mood when we're all out so I feel like I have to cater to her and speak up for her so that she doesnt feel "left out." Thats really fuckin irritating sometimes man, especially when I just want mingle and have a good time. AND on top of that, she always wants to leave at the worst times... like when she sees me talking to someone or laughing and hanging out ... shes like "miki, I'm really tired can we just go?" and then if I dont want to go then and there she gets pissed at me. Lately, shes really been on the edge with me, and I don't know if shes in a good or bad mood sometimes. I have invited her with me on the boats this week and everywhere we go, because she doesnt know alot of people since she's lived here less than a year.

Yesterday, she wouldnt come get me as she was with MY sister and our good friend, and I was alllready in a shitty mood because of my allergiess and soreness so I told her "well, if you can't come and get me then I think I will just take the bus home ... but go have fun" and she probably thought I was saying that to make her feel guilty looking back, but thats all I really wanted to do. ANDREA decides to show up at my work and she ends up taking me to kirkland. We are all on the boat and me and sarah arent really talking to eachother. A while later, I ask my sister and her friend whats up with her, and they told me that she thinks I'm mad at her and I really shouldnt be because she drives me everywhere and blah blah. And I reacted saying she OFFERS rides and on top of that I pay for them. most of the time its not even out of her way. and then I told ally that I think shes being really edgy and needs to chill out because we're all having a good time... I just didnt know what to do.. and all of what I say gets redirected back to her. She then comes up to me and starts yelling at me and patting my shoulder and talking me down.... I jsut turned my head and was like "whoo hoo! dont really need to hear this right now!" If I reacted any other way I swear I just wanted to fuckin sock her. Anyway, AHHH thank god I got that out. now shes at work and I have nothing to worry about.

I think I am just going to clean the place up, which will get her in a better mood because I really dont want to deal with it today...

One of those days....

It's been a hard few weeks but I'm making it by and lifting myself up. Its just when certain things - even the smallest - dont go my way I break. I wish I could be strong right now. Thats how I've always been. However, the changing process of who I am and what I'm doing with my life seems to go by as if I'm walking on glass. I'm worn out, beat, and confused. Last night I tried to go out but it was one of those nights where nothing seemed to go my way and everyone was in pissy moods. One of my friends said something, which wasn't even that bad, but it still hurt my feelings and I had it... I anti-socialized (if thats even a word) myself into a dark room and called people that could make me feel better. Lately, joel has been pulling through as superman once again. He picked me up the next morning and drove me to where I needed to go. He's always so good to me and I feel shitty for being the person I was to him last summer. He always comes through and thats what I will always appreciate about him. I can't like him the way I used to though, because I'm distracted by you-know-who. I can't like anyone for that matter.

today is a better day . have to work later . and I have nooo clue what I'm doing after . it will probably be the reason for another journal entry though...

later thoughts

Letting go...

It seems like I only tend to write negativity in here but all the posivity in my life right now is either fake or an altered state of mind. I think I could be depressed if I didnt have people to turn to. I am living in a very intense time of my life and I'm LOST. Not having a mother is hard enough, but now I've lost a father too - at least for a very long time. I feel no love from him anymore these last few days I am here living with him. As I'm sobbing here writting this, I hear my dad storming off in a tantrum and throwing anything of mine down the stairs. He claimed he has provided for me for 20 years. providing what... yeah alllll the material things. I have only lived with him 3 years of my entire life and all the rest of the years we would see him twice a year for a week and it would be the best fake time of my life. Since I've lived with him, he lost his ex wife (my mom), his fourth wife which was long overdue, and he lost his job and didnt get another one for 2 years after. He could be having a major crisis in his life and I know I'm only adding on to it. I tried to do what he told me but it never seemed to be enough. I came to a point of never being around. I didnt want to face him or deal with his bitching so I avoided it all together. I realized that I could have tried harder to make him more proud of me but there came a time when I started losing respect for him. The more I'm hurt from his words and his anger for me the more respect I lost for him. I started inviting people over when he was out of town because I didnt care, even though he specifically told me not to. I would always clean up the mess and make it like it was before but he found out one way or another that I had people over... and knowing that I defied him made him feel powerless. He claimed that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because I had a few people over ON my birthday while he was out of town. But I think he just forgot and since hes limited on his money he wouldnt want to blow some of what he still has on me.

I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.

alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.

Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......

my life updated... beware

since I've written in this meaningless blog that no one reads... I ponder about why my life has gone upside down. I'm not in school right now. NEVER thought I would take a break so soon but I couldnt imagine how much of a struggle it would be if I went right now. I'm barely even at home anymore... well not home but the house in bellevue. I say that because I'm moving out soon... or, getting kicked out. My fathers relationship with me, I'd say, is probably at the all-time low right now. I've never felt so unloved and unwanted as a daughter. Maybe once I move out and get completely on my own we can at least be acquaintances but as for now he's an eye-glaring stranger that I'm afraid of ... and live with.

Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...

One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha

ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.

later thoughts...

-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)

YES, I exist...

so since the last time I wrote on here, I was starting college and it was going well. WELL, first semester did turn out pretty well, however last semester of my first year in college was a DISGRACE - lets just say that I got bad grades... ok I partied too much. The more I kept crying on the phone with my dad being so afraid of what I should expect when I get home from his sternness, my life at wazzu became sort of a blur. (when I came home however, my dad and I became best friends which wasnt what I expected.) I took sundays off of partying to recover, which wasn't enough to get by with grades I aimed for. WHATEVER freshman is a time I will never forget! Examples of my unforgettable experience include:
~having huge slumber parties in my dorm room with a mattress covered floor.
~laughing/having fun/being loud at all hrs of the night to piss our loser, neighbor friend off.
~DRUNK DIALING - I'm not annoying... much (I swear to GOD I'm not DRUNK!)
~daily girl gossip
~GIRL FIGHTS - well almost but there was definitely tension
~MY infamous fruit steal from the stalled semi truck
~sleeping on the frat porches... yes I know
~getting kicked out of FLIX with noticably drunk KRISTEN haha
~me and my lovely roomie, BEAR TOES, being dramatic with music
~pulling allnighters until class in the morning (mostly because I party hard... not study hard)
~lovely surprises in my room when I was gone like it being covered in TOILET PAPER!
~drinking during class
~swallowing a goldfish --- umm yeah I was dared and drunk... I had no other choice

well I could go on but then I would be up all night... regardless though, wazzu rocked my world and I hope I can get back being a more successful student so I'll last.

Anyway, since college, I spent a couple days at home until I got the chance to fly to new york to work for my brother and his company! And I must say, I've been here about five days and barely got any work done, we've just been partying too much! yeah thats my brother for ya: a lazy bum that happened to get lucky and start his own online advertising agency and since then had it made for him... he and his girfriend, Maritza just had a baby girl, Madison, in december so I'm having fun with her. I love spending time with the fam here since I really havent had the chance to before now. in the next few days we're supposed to go to miami to do some more work, if my brother can get off his ass and book the flights! I'm excited to get there!

Anyway, I'm tired (and high haha) but just thoguht I would throw a few words in here to catch up a bit... more later though :)

gnight,
MB

I still have a BLOG

WOW I haven't wrote in this for a while. I guess I just didnt feel the need to since college has started for me. Plus I'm not really motivated to do so.

College has been reallly good for me. I just started water polo last week and went to a tournament this weekend and realized how much I missed this sport and is something I love. My whole life I have always left the people and things that i love so I'm glad I'm taking this sport back up in my life. And I've met some really cool people so far during the process.

I guess I'm going to be an aunty TWICE now! my sister is having a baby boy in february and my brother is having a baby girl in December! I can't believe it... I'm so happy for them both.

GUYS GUYS OH GUYS.... I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I have the most fucked up relationships that I know every problem with relationships in the book. OK well I guess its not really that bad but I just want to meet a new guy, someone different from the others. I always end up finding something wrong in a guy and it's something that screws everything up in the end.... wow I'm not being really specific... OK the only thing I'm seeing in why guys like me is because of my looks. I want to be able to meet someone and have them want to get to know me more because they're interested in my personality and not my looks. Then again, I don't think I would necessarily be into someone that was an ugly duck. Physical attractiveness is all what its about these days...

dude I cant concentrate with these crazy people in my class right now but I WILL write WAY more often.... hopefully...

Winding down...

Wow ... it seems like as the days pass by and summer is coming down to an end for me, I have the time of my life just kickin it and having fun. Ahhh I hate how that happens to me! I'm really excited too at the same time, knowing that I'm taking a whole new step in my life which will reflect my future. Summer just doesn't feel like it should end so soon I guess.

I just realize yesterday that I wasn't signed up to rush so I guess it turns out that I don't have to leave for a couple more days! That gives me so much more flexibility rather than leaving tomorrow morning! I figure that this is better anyway, that way I don't have to be committed to anything right in the beginning and I can just get a feel of what I am interested in, if that is deciding to pledge next semester or not.

Hmm... the past two weeks have just kinda flew by, but then again so has this whole summer. I guess lately I've been trying to find where the party's at and trying to live my limited time here in Bellevue up! Last night was pretty crazy. As Laura and I get impatient waiting for people to call, we decided to meet up with this guy Tony that I met at the beach a while back. He takes us to this party in Juanita and it's alright I guess. Laura and I weren't feeling it after a while so when we heard of a Seattle party, we decided to leave. And of course as we leave everyone starts going crazy! Ha ha fun times. I didn't realize how good looking Tony was when I saw him last night.... hmm ha ha

I wish I could catch up more on what I've been up to but I am SO exhausted from waking up so early this morning to go on a long hike/swim after such a long night last night! I need a nap...

I'll write more soon

uhh... 10 days?

Ok ... So the first part of this week was a very interesting one. I traveled the pass with my good buddy Calvin and headed towards WSU for a couple days. I thought it was put together pretty well, but it just seemed like too much was going on all at once and we never had any down time. Because of this, we brought some of our own excitement ... WEED! Not only did Calv and I bring some chron, but we met three bomb ass guys that matched with us and we all got smoked out. It was fuckin insane though because we smoked in our dorms and if any of the orientation counselors were to find out, we would be kicked off the program. Knowing that, of course an orientation counselor comes into our room with like 10 people in it and questions if we smoked because it wreaked in the hallway. We convinced though that it was us by saying that we saw a couple kids wondering in a hallway and a whole bunch of kids on a floor in the building, and they left with our convincing words. We definitely had an awesome time. Oh! and I had an awesome roommate with basically the same name as me, Kayla! She's coming up to Seattle next weekend from Oregon so we can kick it ... I'm excited! Thank God though that I could go with Calvin after all because he's one of the coolest guys I know and I haven't seen him all summer so it was nice to catch up.

Now I'm back home and it feels so nice to be back at least for a little bit. I'm really running out of time though here and I'm about to head to college... crazy stuff. I'm going to be missing so many people over here, especially the ones I've kicked it with this summer. I'm gonna have to shout out to D, you've always been there for me, whether it's someone to talk to or just kickin it at the beach or cruisin in the car. AND LAURA! Man we have gotten so close this summer and now you're heading to Cali in a few weeks! We have had some awesome times together this summer and it's something I'm definitely going to miss... Brandon, you're are one of the coolest, most down-to-earth guys I know. Thank you for being there for me this summer (hmm TOW?!?) and smoking me out several times! Marcello! I'm going to miss living so close to you and seeing you every day workin hard at my house.. you're awesome. Tyler, you're hot. Joel, you're probably the one I've known the longest since I've been in WA and it's been a blast whenever I kick it with you! Katie... you've already left me down in New Mexico! We've had some great times together... too bad we didn't kick it more though. All the MN homies: I'm sorry I couldn't make it out there this summer but at least I saw one of you! yep that's right JUSTIN! You're the man and probably one of the best guys I can talk to about anything LOL. (fajitas ha ha)

AHH!! I have to go get ready and go college shopping... I'm excited. I know I missed some of you up there so I know I'll be shouting out to more of you as these next 10 days roll by. LOL I feel like I'm never going to see them again! I'll be back for the breaks though for sure.

"And that's it..." as my MN friend Katie would say.

~BB

Where did SUMMER go?

seriously... This summer has been a trip, but at the same time it's been FLYING by. Even though my summer is going to be cut short because WSU starts so early, what did I do these whole 6 weeks?!? I really don't even know where to begin...

Well to start off, the familymobile got towed about 2 weeks ago. I went to a TKE party and parked my car in a fairly safe parking lot. As I have my fun and time goes by, I start to head back to my car thats not where I parked it. My friend, Laura, almost freaks me out by saying the worst that could happen to my car, it being stolen. For a split second I almost believe her, until I realize that you can't just steal a Ford Taurus, it's basically a police car and it can't be wired up to start. So it becomes clear to me that my car had gotten towed. My AWESOME friend Brandon (my ex water polo coach) was truely the homie. He called a cab, paid for it, and let me and Laura pass out at his apartment until he would drive us the next morning and paid the $200 for my towed car. Seriously, I couldn't have asked for more from him, except for smoking me out every once in a while ha ha.

OF course, I am supposed to pay my good friend back. So I go to the bank and take out $200 from my account, which is most of what I have, and I cash it. I bring the stack home and put it underneath a book so I don't have the temptation of spending it. A couple days later, I meet up with brandon again and go back to the spot where I had left my money, and knowing me and my luck, the money had vanished. I told NO ONE where I put the money and my sister and dad both claimed that they didn't take it either so I was just basically in a panic attack all day. I knew at some point I would need some help from my dad to pay brandon back but I didn't know how to tell him. Well it's funny because today my dad comes up to me and started talking to me about my $200 that disappeared, he then said that I would need to start working around the house to earn the money back so that I could pay for my tow. I don't know how he found out, but I'm thinking either my sister, brother, or aunt had told him, but my bets are on my brother.

Last night, after finding out that my hopes on finding my money were pretty slim to none, I invite people over. I didn't realize or expect so many people to show up but that's pretty much what happened. Everything started to get out of hand but at some point I just didn't care and I wanted to have SOME fun after a depressing and frustrating day. My dad came home though at around 10 and seemed to be alright that I had a crowd over as he was talking to all my friends and saying something around how he was known as the "king" at parties. What a funny guy ... but not really the next morning. He grounded me from the car until I leave so basically I wont be able to drive it forever and said I couldnt go to summer jam today. That really bummed me out but at the same time I wasn't feeling very well from last night so I'm not too upset and disappointed that I couldn't go. I need to make some money around the house anyway.

I'm REALLY excited though about the ALIVE trip that I'm about to go on with my good buddy Calvin. First off, my dad insisted on taking me because he thought it would be a good time to bond and talk about everything, also for him to see what I'm about to get myself into at WSU. But then yesterday he came up to me and said that he was having a hard time getting off work to take me so I realized I could go with calv after all! I'm pretty stoked about that now. I just hope I don't get really cruddy classes since we're going on the last session where you can sign up for classes. whatever though I'm in.

Well I better go off to cleaning up the house and makin some money from the father. At least I haven't gotten the WWF attitude from him... he's been pretty calm about everything but firm with the consequences... fair enough.

Yeah about not writing in this blog as much as I should...

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
~BB

oh wow... I almost let a whole month go by without me making an update. This summer has been a trip though.. every day is a new day for me and I always seem to find a way so that every day is fun and I'm not just sitting on my ass or going to work. My dad kind of gave up on helping me find a job just because its so much work and I don't have that much time left until I leave so its whatever i guess.

The fourth of july was pretty alright for me, considering I was in federal way! Well I thought I was just going to be at my uncle's place for the day but as time carried on we started to realize that we're not going to have a ride back to bellevue or even seattle to go to gasworks. So we ended up just staying there for the night and the next day (we as in me, my sister, and ally). Knowing me, I wanted to make the best of where I was at so my cousins, my sister, ally and I all got faded behind my uncle's back and just had a good time for the rest of the night. HA HA oh and later on we went down the street where there were some boys my age setting off fireworks which was fun. But the best part was when these girls show up and don't seem friendly to me and Ally, I dunno maybe because we were tall and pretty and they were fat and ugly ha ha, but we had to go home we started walking away and the girls were like "fuck you!" We didn't know for sure if they were talking to us so we kept walking. We realized later that night that they were talking to us because the girl called us up and started bitching at us so we retaliated and we came down to the point where we were going to fight the next day or something but then Ally's phone went dead so nothing else happened. It was just funny to see girls who were just being I dunno, jealous? or just stuck up because they didn't know us? Ha ha whatever though it was a fun night.

Jeez summer is flying so fast though! It's crazy to think that I only have 5 more weeks of summer until I'm off to college! Maybe I'm just scared and anxious at the same time knowing that my life is about to change so much so soon. I'm glad that there will be many other people just like me who will be in the same position and feeling the same way. Thats more comforting I guess.

Well I probably should be getting ready for the day considering I just woke up an hour ago and its already 2! Good thing that is a cruddy day for weather.

If I haven't seen some of you guys yet this summer and you want to kick it CALL ME! keep in touch you know who you are.

~BB

schools almost out

Alright so I just got back from the senior prank we just did... I was kind of disappointed on how it was all organized. I mean I guess I got there late but people were just standing around and then finally decided to leave after figuring out that there was nothing left for us to do. So now I'm living off of 3 mountain dews and I'm not feeling tired at all. Tomorrow morning will probably be different.

Wow I'm so bad at keeping up with these things. So since two weeks ago, my step mom moved out officially and I haven't seen her since, I got a new job even though my dad really thinks I should turn it down, school is almost out - one more day man - I went clubbing for the first time (now that was some crazy shit! I'm about to do that more often...), and then the same old shit or I just can't remember what else. I've just been trying to stay on the bright side even though it hasn't been leaning my way lately...

My dad has been going through a lot of stress lately and part of it has to do with me. I know he's hurting from Heather leaving and about my mom... we're both directly affected there. But the fact that he can't trust me makes our relationship seem dull. Today we've been starting to walk it through after we got into an arguement. So hopefully things will start to get better for us... especially with him trusting me... thats the biggest issue. Our lives right now are just being changed A LOT and its just been hard for us to deal with it. For me, I try not to be in that environment so I usually just spend a lot of time with friends and maybe a different mindset.

Anyway, I'm incredibly excited for my aunt to come in on friday! I love that woman to death! She's been always there for me to talk to, gets me little things every so often, and is coming in my neighborhood in TWO DAYS!! AND I also get to see my step sis and dad, Mandy and Randy! AH I miss them both so much and I'm so thankful that I get to see them soon, especially on my graduation day. Those three people mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do if I were without them. AHH I'm excited!

K, well apparently it's bedtime since it's like 2... ha ha whatever schools tomorrow and then HIGHSCHOOL IS OVER... finished just like that! well, not really "just like that" it took alot of years and hardwork to get to where I am now. From here, I have a whole summer to do whatever the hell I want to and then I'm out to Pullman, the town for WSU students... woot woot!

Well, I'm sorry for all you underclassmen who still have another week after this week of school ... plus another couple years until you graduate... it will go by faster than you know though so have fun while you kids are still young. I'm so glad this highschool thing is over...

Alright, after this weekend I'm going to have to write something about it ... by that time I'm going to be a HS grad and the summer will be here! write more later

~BB