I woke up this morning and I couldn't open my eyes! I pried the lids open with my fingers. They crusted over the night before. I looked in the mirror and they were puffy and red. ahgggg ... every fucking spring this happens. I don't mind it right now though. There's ALOT of drama in my life right now, and I'm glad I have another complaint on all the things that are wrong in my life to use as an outlet from the drama that has gravitated towards me. Was that a run-on sentence? whatever.
My manager just called and wants me to work allllll day today and not just half with compliments of lunch and dinner. I guess I have something going my way so far today. Tuesdays suck I realized. Wedged in there between monday and wednesday. There's nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on. It's a big BLAH day.
My goal today is to not answer my phone. No texting. No calling. No answering. I want to pretty much exist today with a structured routine. I feel like a dead person walking today. You don't need to watch out for me... I won't even be there when you see me.
GOD: I wish you had the power to rewind my life. I think I've been corrupted and I don't know how to be an innocent young being again. I wish I could just let go of all the things that are supposed to make me stronger, but weak as hell at the same time. I just want to lay in the grass with the sun as a blanket on my skin, then begin with a head start, JUMP and land in crystal clear water. WATER. No human on this earth can live without it. I certainly can't. I find water satisfying. You jump in holding your breath about to experience a complete change of body and soul than what you were just in a moment ago. The water hits your hands and works its way to your toes in the matter of a second. You eyes open at the surface and you let go of your breath. You're renewed... pure. In the water you can do anything you want. Be a mermaid if you wish, or a fish. Doesn't matter... You're away from everything else in your life. Thats all that matters.
FUCK. I want to go swimming. forget my world.
later days.... :/
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Catching up on the facts of my life
I realized I haven't really made this blog a story of my life, more of my perspective on a topic that was consuming my mind at the time. Besides, I'm bored doing laundry at my dad's house so I figured why not? My brother is gone and that gives me full access to his computer for the time being. On that note, a proper update on the life I live seems necessary for when I look back at this in the later years of my life. Forgive my randomness.
As of right now I live up the hill in an apartment in bellevue, which I can literally walk down the hill to my dad's house its so close. My brothers are staying where my sister and I stayed before we both moved out. I'm training to serve at Rock Bottom, which brings home the $$ so I can exist. Noo, I don't go to school right now and I know I should but a break was much needed for me. I've been on a break for over a year now, however that will change in the fall. It better. I seem to have a bit of drama mixed in my otherwise peaceful life here between my friends and job. Most of the time it can get annoying and unnecissary, but I do find myself to be entertained and amused by it.
I've lived here for 4 years now and for the past year or so I've really contemplated moving elsewhere. I would like to say I'm adventuresome because I do like exploring the unknown and to be honest, the Seattle life is really wearin' me down lately. I was thinking Santa Cruz in CA where my BEST friend from childhood lives. I always see amazing pictures of the beach and it just seems like great, wholesome people consume the town there. My brother wants me to fly down to somewhere in asia where his business partner/good friend lives to pursue modeling and I don't think that would be such a bad idea either. WHOLE different life I would have there, which could be very exciting and maybe needed at this point in my life. Yeah those are the only two extreme moves that I would actually do at the moment. Then again, there's always Minnesota to go back to but I left there for a reason and I really wouldn't be looking forward to the 6 months of -20 to 30 degree weather out there again! I need to make a decision soon though because I only have 2 more months before the lease is up for my apartment.
As far as relationships go, I turn the other way. I hate the word love and I hope I don't get caught up in that word with someone for a long time. I want to be free and single for a while. Well, I have most of my life so it should be no biggie anyway. Guys suck and every time I open up to one I get slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart and I'm left lonely. haha ok no more talk about men, I might get violent! Just kidding but almost serious.
haha I ran across some pictures on my brothers profile though and I'm sure the later me would appreciate this!! haha don't laugh 'later me'.
ohhh baby.. I looked damn sexy in the highschool days!! (especially with the swim caps)
haha ok those pictures made me smile and so did my three best girlfriends that just called me! I think I'm about to go drink my night away now and pass out drunk, happy, and alone :)
cheers to highschool memories...
As of right now I live up the hill in an apartment in bellevue, which I can literally walk down the hill to my dad's house its so close. My brothers are staying where my sister and I stayed before we both moved out. I'm training to serve at Rock Bottom, which brings home the $$ so I can exist. Noo, I don't go to school right now and I know I should but a break was much needed for me. I've been on a break for over a year now, however that will change in the fall. It better. I seem to have a bit of drama mixed in my otherwise peaceful life here between my friends and job. Most of the time it can get annoying and unnecissary, but I do find myself to be entertained and amused by it.
I've lived here for 4 years now and for the past year or so I've really contemplated moving elsewhere. I would like to say I'm adventuresome because I do like exploring the unknown and to be honest, the Seattle life is really wearin' me down lately. I was thinking Santa Cruz in CA where my BEST friend from childhood lives. I always see amazing pictures of the beach and it just seems like great, wholesome people consume the town there. My brother wants me to fly down to somewhere in asia where his business partner/good friend lives to pursue modeling and I don't think that would be such a bad idea either. WHOLE different life I would have there, which could be very exciting and maybe needed at this point in my life. Yeah those are the only two extreme moves that I would actually do at the moment. Then again, there's always Minnesota to go back to but I left there for a reason and I really wouldn't be looking forward to the 6 months of -20 to 30 degree weather out there again! I need to make a decision soon though because I only have 2 more months before the lease is up for my apartment.
As far as relationships go, I turn the other way. I hate the word love and I hope I don't get caught up in that word with someone for a long time. I want to be free and single for a while. Well, I have most of my life so it should be no biggie anyway. Guys suck and every time I open up to one I get slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart and I'm left lonely. haha ok no more talk about men, I might get violent! Just kidding but almost serious.
haha I ran across some pictures on my brothers profile though and I'm sure the later me would appreciate this!! haha don't laugh 'later me'.
ohhh baby.. I looked damn sexy in the highschool days!! (especially with the swim caps)
haha ok those pictures made me smile and so did my three best girlfriends that just called me! I think I'm about to go drink my night away now and pass out drunk, happy, and alone :)
cheers to highschool memories...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
My actions and their opinions.
Today and Last night I realized there's alot of things I'm not proud of. I'm upset with my present and I'm scared for my future but my past I realized I must learn from. I can't look back at my life in regret. I can't let myself have guilt built in so much that I fall and break. My life is MY LIFE and no one elses. I realized my actions and the way I am is what I have to accept, whether I like it or not. I can't be ashamed of the person I've become or the actions I have made. I just need to move on.
Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.
All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters
Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.
All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I can't do this alone.
I looked at the sunset this evening... I see the sky..
I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.
I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Today I took a step back
Sometimes the world seems like a monster. The world consumes you of your individualism, and everyday lives are merely a puppet show of what youre SUPPOSED to do. People walk to where they are SUPPOSED to go, wear what they are SUPPOSED to wear, act how they are SUPPOSED to act to creat an accepting images of themselves. People get caught up in these so-called lives to make ends meet and live how they WANT to live. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out of this puppet show that I'm living right now. I'm living this supposed life to hopefully get a break in the end. I'm not by ANY means where I want to be in at this time in my life, then again I know I am young and I have time to grow. But still, that doesn't seem solid enough. My future is so uncertain to me that it scares me just thinking about it. I want to find a path, or even a base of something that can take me to the top eventually. I want to find it now so I can learn and grow from it. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel stupid staying at this spot in my life when I know I can do better. I see it happen to people all the time. They finally win the lottery, or they finally meet someone that changed their life for the better, or they finally got a raise and moved up in the company, or they finally got a big pay back from all the shit they have gone through. I want to have something come my way like it has for some of the people around me. I just know I'm better than this.
I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..
I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!
good morning world.
I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..
I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!
good morning world.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
It's a new year!! woop dee dooo
my resolution:
I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."
I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.
ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo
mik
I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."
I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.
ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo
mik
Friday, December 22, 2006
It's realllly late and I'm awake.
ok. I've been up all day... worked 11 hours... and why am I still up?
I can't sleep and I'm fucked if I have to work tomorrow. whatever.
life seems to be going better each day. but still not good. I keep thinking about what my life CAN be like and what I COULD be doing with it to make it better. Tonight is one of those nights.
I could have cleaned my apartment like I said I was going to two weeks ago, but nope still fuckin dirty. I swear though, every time I get set on cleaning, someone calls me to hang out and do something and shit.. I'd rather do that than sit around and CLEAN. but then I come home to this messy apartment and it brings me down. I disappoint myself somehow every single day.
Not onnnnly that, I feel shitty about not paying my aunt back. I feel shitty about being late to work AGAIN. I feel shitty about not going to school which is what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing right now. I feel shitty about all this debt I'm in. If all that could go away. I'd be level-headed. life would be a breeze.
But if everything was going wrong. every single thing in my life gone completely no where, I would have my baby to come home to and everything would be alright. ugh. I can't believe I said that because I never have felt that way about anyone else ever. I just feel so in love, in a different planet with him. Out of everyone in this world, I couldn't have come accross someone thats more suited for me. I want him in my life so badly. I'm giving all my hopes up on him and I fuckin WISH it all doesn't fall through, but even if it does I really will know how to love someone. what to look for. whos right for me. he's not a waste of time if we don't work out, he's a lesson I'll never forget. I really don't think I can find someone else out there like him though. he's one of a kind and I hope sometime soon he's all mine. If not though, I must let him go. I have to... because if I keep going on like this... I won't be happy and I'll make bad decisions and all the shit in my life thats already weighing me down will add on. I don't blame him for everything by any means but I really can't stop thinking about being with him.. it literally consumes me. hah thats how bad its gotten. I feel like I'll just keep partying and wasting away because I try to escape the fact that I haven't met him yet and it's been so damn long. I need some other sort of alternative..
ok haha I'm insane now if I don't go to sleep. I hope to god I dont have to work. pleaaaaaase amy take my shift1!!!!!!
alright, off to bed I go. hopefully I can sleep.
my prayers are with you bryan, my apple pie.
I can't sleep and I'm fucked if I have to work tomorrow. whatever.
life seems to be going better each day. but still not good. I keep thinking about what my life CAN be like and what I COULD be doing with it to make it better. Tonight is one of those nights.
I could have cleaned my apartment like I said I was going to two weeks ago, but nope still fuckin dirty. I swear though, every time I get set on cleaning, someone calls me to hang out and do something and shit.. I'd rather do that than sit around and CLEAN. but then I come home to this messy apartment and it brings me down. I disappoint myself somehow every single day.
Not onnnnly that, I feel shitty about not paying my aunt back. I feel shitty about being late to work AGAIN. I feel shitty about not going to school which is what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing right now. I feel shitty about all this debt I'm in. If all that could go away. I'd be level-headed. life would be a breeze.
But if everything was going wrong. every single thing in my life gone completely no where, I would have my baby to come home to and everything would be alright. ugh. I can't believe I said that because I never have felt that way about anyone else ever. I just feel so in love, in a different planet with him. Out of everyone in this world, I couldn't have come accross someone thats more suited for me. I want him in my life so badly. I'm giving all my hopes up on him and I fuckin WISH it all doesn't fall through, but even if it does I really will know how to love someone. what to look for. whos right for me. he's not a waste of time if we don't work out, he's a lesson I'll never forget. I really don't think I can find someone else out there like him though. he's one of a kind and I hope sometime soon he's all mine. If not though, I must let him go. I have to... because if I keep going on like this... I won't be happy and I'll make bad decisions and all the shit in my life thats already weighing me down will add on. I don't blame him for everything by any means but I really can't stop thinking about being with him.. it literally consumes me. hah thats how bad its gotten. I feel like I'll just keep partying and wasting away because I try to escape the fact that I haven't met him yet and it's been so damn long. I need some other sort of alternative..
ok haha I'm insane now if I don't go to sleep. I hope to god I dont have to work. pleaaaaaase amy take my shift1!!!!!!
alright, off to bed I go. hopefully I can sleep.
my prayers are with you bryan, my apple pie.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
It's early and I'm awake.
I haven't done this in a lonnnnnnnng time. I actually got a good nights sleep last night with the assistance of the almighty mary jane.
It was cool. I smoked a bowl and said goodbye with my friend/neighbor/work buddy because he was priviledged enough to pack all his bags and drive to california without lookin back. then I left his apartment and went back to mine thats a building away. I sprinted to my place, grabbed some ragu and went up to my balcony. then as he was driving on his way out of here forever, I poured it on his car!! haha he flipped out. stopped looked around and kept driving. but shit I would too if a bunch of red shit just came flying on my windsheild out of the sky!
so yeah. I passed out at about TEN after that. I was so happy for myself. I wanna do this more often.
One thing thats pissing me off right now is I have this ring on my finger, but I CANT GET IT FUCKING OFF!! I tried, I pulled really hard... usually I've been able to get anything off. but no not this time. its stuck. And the worst part about it is.... the fake diamond stud fell out so now it really looks like a peice of shit and I hate having to look at it while I type damnit!
I went shopping yesterday. I got about everyone in my family christmas presents! too bad its costing over 300 bucks. Im so fucked. ahh I love giving though. I think I might buy some more shit too because we get our paychecks on monday! hahahahaha yeha.
my aunt hates me right now. well just disappointed because about 3-4 monthes ago I was in money trouble and she was willing to help me out and loan me 1000 bucks to pay off all my bills. I was having trouble with my bank at the time and we were just moving into our apartment. man though we did not think things ahead. I told her I would pay her off but I've been having to save up every time I get a paycheck and then pay it all off. so now I'm not getting a christmas present from my aunt like I always do and I always look forward to her presents that come every year too. shes like the cool aunt that works for avon and has all this make-up, scents, clothes, and skin products to give me. its like catching up. shiaat. oh well. I'm sending her money back soon. hopefully. I'm trying. life sucks when you dont gots no mooola.
I'm in such a good mood today. haha and everything in my life should be putting me in a shitty mood too! I superwoman though and I can over-power any negativity today.
except for bryan. bryan makes me sad thinking about it. weak too. especially right now. he's about to have an operation tomorrow and its not 100 percent that he will recover fully. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and using whatever spiritual powers that I possibly have so that nothing happens. He's comes out of it a healthier, better. I want him to be healthy. "when youre in pain, I'm in pain." I miss him every second I dont have spent with him. its sad. but hes really showing me what love is. I'm scared and I don't even want to say it with this fucker yet because we havent even MET yet. but I really do LOVE him. it feels good saying that about him. I hope he doesn't let me down AGAIN. afffffter christmas... the end of waiting for the good or the worse will uncover. I'm scared its not going to but I gotta let this whole waiting shit burn out. its wearing me down.
ALRIGHT... I'm STILL in a chipper happy mood still! yeah yeah except I'm still looking at this nasty trashy ring still on my friggin finger. I'm just going to go and have it disappear in the lather I'm about to put on my hair... itsssss showa time!! oh yeah.
later doooooods.
It was cool. I smoked a bowl and said goodbye with my friend/neighbor/work buddy because he was priviledged enough to pack all his bags and drive to california without lookin back. then I left his apartment and went back to mine thats a building away. I sprinted to my place, grabbed some ragu and went up to my balcony. then as he was driving on his way out of here forever, I poured it on his car!! haha he flipped out. stopped looked around and kept driving. but shit I would too if a bunch of red shit just came flying on my windsheild out of the sky!
so yeah. I passed out at about TEN after that. I was so happy for myself. I wanna do this more often.
One thing thats pissing me off right now is I have this ring on my finger, but I CANT GET IT FUCKING OFF!! I tried, I pulled really hard... usually I've been able to get anything off. but no not this time. its stuck. And the worst part about it is.... the fake diamond stud fell out so now it really looks like a peice of shit and I hate having to look at it while I type damnit!
I went shopping yesterday. I got about everyone in my family christmas presents! too bad its costing over 300 bucks. Im so fucked. ahh I love giving though. I think I might buy some more shit too because we get our paychecks on monday! hahahahaha yeha.
my aunt hates me right now. well just disappointed because about 3-4 monthes ago I was in money trouble and she was willing to help me out and loan me 1000 bucks to pay off all my bills. I was having trouble with my bank at the time and we were just moving into our apartment. man though we did not think things ahead. I told her I would pay her off but I've been having to save up every time I get a paycheck and then pay it all off. so now I'm not getting a christmas present from my aunt like I always do and I always look forward to her presents that come every year too. shes like the cool aunt that works for avon and has all this make-up, scents, clothes, and skin products to give me. its like catching up. shiaat. oh well. I'm sending her money back soon. hopefully. I'm trying. life sucks when you dont gots no mooola.
I'm in such a good mood today. haha and everything in my life should be putting me in a shitty mood too! I superwoman though and I can over-power any negativity today.
except for bryan. bryan makes me sad thinking about it. weak too. especially right now. he's about to have an operation tomorrow and its not 100 percent that he will recover fully. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and using whatever spiritual powers that I possibly have so that nothing happens. He's comes out of it a healthier, better. I want him to be healthy. "when youre in pain, I'm in pain." I miss him every second I dont have spent with him. its sad. but hes really showing me what love is. I'm scared and I don't even want to say it with this fucker yet because we havent even MET yet. but I really do LOVE him. it feels good saying that about him. I hope he doesn't let me down AGAIN. afffffter christmas... the end of waiting for the good or the worse will uncover. I'm scared its not going to but I gotta let this whole waiting shit burn out. its wearing me down.
ALRIGHT... I'm STILL in a chipper happy mood still! yeah yeah except I'm still looking at this nasty trashy ring still on my friggin finger. I'm just going to go and have it disappear in the lather I'm about to put on my hair... itsssss showa time!! oh yeah.
later doooooods.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
OH it VENTING time... watch out.
AHHH
today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.
My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.
I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.
I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.
I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.
today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.
My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.
I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.
I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.
I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
THANKSGIVING!!!#!@#
It's thanksgiving today. And after I read my last blog, I felt like I was just pitying myself. Yeah, I have a shitload of things that aren't going my way right now. And that's expected in life. But I still am thankful for what I got.
what do I got......
I have a family to turn to. Yeah, we fight and we're far from the idealized family but I still have one to turn to.
I have shelter
I have a job that I love
I have a shitload of FRIENDS... I have no clue what I'd do without them. Yeah, I'd probably party less and drink less and focus more... but hey it all keeps me sane in the end.
I have a personality that attracts others. Not to sound conceited, but I love how people love to be around me... I know exactly what to say to everyone I know to make them smile and thats what I fuckin live for man.
Free food that Brian gives me at work every day. I dont have to even pay for food anymore.
I have someone to love. I just am afraid that I'm going to lose it.
REGARDLESS... I need to shower and get ready for the family. hopefully all this goes by smoothly.... stay tuned. hah
what do I got......
I have a family to turn to. Yeah, we fight and we're far from the idealized family but I still have one to turn to.
I have shelter
I have a job that I love
I have a shitload of FRIENDS... I have no clue what I'd do without them. Yeah, I'd probably party less and drink less and focus more... but hey it all keeps me sane in the end.
I have a personality that attracts others. Not to sound conceited, but I love how people love to be around me... I know exactly what to say to everyone I know to make them smile and thats what I fuckin live for man.
Free food that Brian gives me at work every day. I dont have to even pay for food anymore.
I have someone to love. I just am afraid that I'm going to lose it.
REGARDLESS... I need to shower and get ready for the family. hopefully all this goes by smoothly.... stay tuned. hah
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I've gone crazy.
ok...
so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.
ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.
I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.
I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH
so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.
ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.
I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.
I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH
Thursday, November 09, 2006
sick and TIRED
AHADSHFAEWTAHDSFANDSGAFSGHSDG
I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.
The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.
ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.
THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."
the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.
I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.
The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.
ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.
THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."
the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
There I goo...
Today has been a day where I've been pulled in all directions. I try to make everyone happy but theres just not enough time in a day to do that. Maybe I just have poor communication or maybe I tend to over-book my days, but with everyone backing out of their orginal plans these days who wouldnt? They all just seemed to be pretty accountable today damnit. I feel like shit now and I needed to express that thought. Now I must do something for myself by going to this meeting to supposedly make my life a breeze in the long run. Until then, I'm eating shit.
Everything else in my life thats been weighing me down is still in the process of changing but I'm still not quite there. I'm talking mainly about bills...
anyways, "I'm on a hurry to get things and I'm rushin, rushin till life's no funn. All I really gotta do is live and die and I'm in a hurry and don't know whyy" hahah
laterrr
Everything else in my life thats been weighing me down is still in the process of changing but I'm still not quite there. I'm talking mainly about bills...
anyways, "I'm on a hurry to get things and I'm rushin, rushin till life's no funn. All I really gotta do is live and die and I'm in a hurry and don't know whyy" hahah
laterrr
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
SURRENDERED
The way you make me feel is hard to explain...
It feels so real. Its the realist fantasy I've lived.
But what if it isnt real?
What if I've become this character in this fantasy game your playing?
My love for you at this point has no control.
You have me hung like a puppet... reacting to every string you pull.
How did I let myself go this far?
No one has made this deep of a connection with me.
I gladly kept it that way my entire life.
Backed away from any emotional trap that could potentially hurt me.
They'd usually back off from my defenses and were never heard of again.
Then their comes you...
My defenses were strong. I saw the way you were.
You're envied and liked by many and I didn't want you to have my satisfaction.
I let myself ignore what I really felt for you.
I backed you off time and time again, but you held up strong and was always there.
Then I start to become weaker as I'm become more intrigued.
My caution lights towards you were flashing but I kept going anyway.
I tried to stay strong but your words seeped through my soul, my body and took me over.
Then I question.. Where is this going? When will you come around?
I feel insufficiant, unworthy of your time, and taken for granted.
Even when you swear against it.
You ask if I chose you. OF COURSE I have and why?
You've brought out another side in me, a side no one has seen before.
I've told you things, things that no one knows.
I've grown this aching desire, this feeling for you that no one has endured from me.
Why have I chosen you? thats why.
You're it, as much as I want to fight it.
There's not a day that goes by anymore that I don't think about you, miss you.
I feel like I've fallen in that emotional trap I was afraid of all along.
But I fell for you. I fell deep this time. And I'm afraid I can't find my way out.
Tell me what I've done to deserve this time without you.
This feeling keeps growing and it will never end.
And it hurts more every day.
Then I rethink... wait..
I read what I've wrote and I laugh.
I'm stronger than this I just know it.
I'll walk around like you've never crossed my mind.
But the more I try to ignore you, the more I can't stop thinking about you.
You've managed to shatter my defenses and hold me down.
I'm powerless now.
I'm weak and unarmed.
So either take my surrender and redeem the pain
Or kill me out of your life
because I hate living in suspense like this. I cant do it anymore.... I'm sorry.
I love you... too much baby... too much.
It feels so real. Its the realist fantasy I've lived.
But what if it isnt real?
What if I've become this character in this fantasy game your playing?
My love for you at this point has no control.
You have me hung like a puppet... reacting to every string you pull.
How did I let myself go this far?
No one has made this deep of a connection with me.
I gladly kept it that way my entire life.
Backed away from any emotional trap that could potentially hurt me.
They'd usually back off from my defenses and were never heard of again.
Then their comes you...
My defenses were strong. I saw the way you were.
You're envied and liked by many and I didn't want you to have my satisfaction.
I let myself ignore what I really felt for you.
I backed you off time and time again, but you held up strong and was always there.
Then I start to become weaker as I'm become more intrigued.
My caution lights towards you were flashing but I kept going anyway.
I tried to stay strong but your words seeped through my soul, my body and took me over.
Then I question.. Where is this going? When will you come around?
I feel insufficiant, unworthy of your time, and taken for granted.
Even when you swear against it.
You ask if I chose you. OF COURSE I have and why?
You've brought out another side in me, a side no one has seen before.
I've told you things, things that no one knows.
I've grown this aching desire, this feeling for you that no one has endured from me.
Why have I chosen you? thats why.
You're it, as much as I want to fight it.
There's not a day that goes by anymore that I don't think about you, miss you.
I feel like I've fallen in that emotional trap I was afraid of all along.
But I fell for you. I fell deep this time. And I'm afraid I can't find my way out.
Tell me what I've done to deserve this time without you.
This feeling keeps growing and it will never end.
And it hurts more every day.
Then I rethink... wait..
I read what I've wrote and I laugh.
I'm stronger than this I just know it.
I'll walk around like you've never crossed my mind.
But the more I try to ignore you, the more I can't stop thinking about you.
You've managed to shatter my defenses and hold me down.
I'm powerless now.
I'm weak and unarmed.
So either take my surrender and redeem the pain
Or kill me out of your life
because I hate living in suspense like this. I cant do it anymore.... I'm sorry.
I love you... too much baby... too much.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I HAVE NO LIFE
SO I figured that LATELY my job likes to schedule me to work weekend night shifts so when I'm off work around 11... I want to go do something but I never have enough energy as everyone else because all I want to do is sit down because I've been on my feet all day... I dont think I've actually gotten drunk for at least 3 weeks now. I haven't really gone OUT like I used to either. And I'm not even that bummed about it. I don't care or worry about where the next crazy PARTY is at. I don't really feel all that bummed when people I know tell me how much of a blast they had on a boat, or how crazy a house party was or whatever it is thats worth bragging about in their book. I've heard it all... been there... done my partying to a point where it was every day. I think thats what people still see in me, but it's really not who I am anymore. I work my ass off all the time and I've started this online bizz... that my mind is somewhere other than finding the next party... My mind is now set on my future, FOR ONCE and not wasted on the present highlife.
I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"
I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....
anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m
I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"
I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....
anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Looking AHEAD
For a good portion of my life, I had it together. I had a job, I was always in a sport or being active, a good set of close friends, good grades and relationships with teachers, a loving family, even a freakin family dog. My mind was full of ambition and drive that would find me into new clubs and being highly competitive with grades and sports. I may have even been somewhat of a dork/nerd/loser whatever you want to call it but I was happy. I didn't care! I had everything I needed that would get me by easily in the world. Nothing could stop me and I was never weighed down.
Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.
for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.
I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.
All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.
I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.
Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.
And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...
later thoughts
Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.
for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.
I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.
All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.
I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.
Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.
And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...
later thoughts
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Filled with pain... inside and out.
Last thursday turned into such a long day for mikaela bird. After a long, but succussful day of work, sarah wanted to go out and have fun. Since she was my ride I really didnt have a choice even though I really just wanted to go home. ... beggers can't be choosers right? SO, we end up going to a bar in kirkland... I take in drink after drink... to keep myself up and ready to go. When I got to a state in mind where I was pleasantly drunk but still tired as hell, I go outside to smoke a cigarette alone, and call the man of my dreams. I begged, I bribed, I pleaded for him to take me away. All I ever wanted was to see him and it really became an issue for me that night. He confirmed that he was coming but made some excuse so that I had to wait. I waited. and waited. No call back. During that time, I leave with my good friend Eli and leave all my other girls behind, knowing they had their own destinations of partying that night. Hours and hours go by and we're all still up and hanging out. It really was a good time for me. We got to know eachother better as friends... we had one of those nights where we both went through out childhoods and how hard it was growing up for the both of us. It was nice saying it to someone that could relate and seemed geniunely interested in my past. But still, I was hurt that I didn't hear from bryan and he didnt follow through once again. I wasn't mad though. I can't be with him. He just means too much to me. Finally, I get back home at 4 or 5 in the morning and pass out. I couldn't really pass out until 7 because of everything that went on, knowing that I had work at 10:30 the next day.
Friday, oh man, was a hard working day for me. I can't explain how hard hosting can be sometimes. All the servers seemed to be extra bitchy to me, I think they just needed someone to blame for the fact that it was a very busy and an almost unbearably humid day. I tried making everyone happy but hey sometimes you cant change the fact that theres 5 slow old grumpy 70 year olds coming in, or a family with 5 kids and a screaming baby, or teenage kids that are cheap and snotty as hell... Along with that bringing me down today, I worked 11 hours the day before and had only 2 hours of sleep. no joke. I was BEAT starting from when I woke up. I sleepwalk into work and try sooo hard to sustain my eyes from closing. I was a zombie... but somehow, alot of mountain dew and screaming voices around me kept me going. I was fine, I had a few good times in my day where people were actually being accepting as a human being and everyone seemed to have been getting good tables. then I crashhh...
the next host comes in and I bolt for anything to lay on. I find a cement floor in the break room. Heck, that was good enough for me. I could hardly walk at that point. I got a good hour and a half of sleep and wake up to sarah's phone call.. I answer half asleep and actually cozy on the chalky hard floor to her telling me I had to go back to work. The rest of the night after that was HELL. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. But I kept trying and sucked it up. Every server seemed to have something negative to say every table I sat them. I was sexually harrassed that night, we had to kick the guy out actually. I dropped a glass and it broke onto a little boy, that made me feel horrible. I was cleaning a table and out of nowhere this squirming, nasty bug appears. THEN, on top of that, I get yelled at my manager for not being motivated enough.
I finally got out of the hell hole at around 10:30 and sarah was tired as well THANK GOD, so we get home to our beds calling out our names. I passed out so fast and didn't wake up until the next day of working.
ok, I just don't want to talk about work anymore.... I worked 40 hours this week and I'm DONE... haha well until tomorrow. But still... I can relax and enjoy this time away from the RB.
In between all the chaos this weekend, I thought about my mom alot. I miss her alot sometimes and when life gets tough she always seems to come floating to the top of my head. I was explaining to this older man that came into work that I wanted a tattoo of her on my back. I really want to do this and I've been thinking about it for so long. I just think she is alot of me, more than I knew. If I had a tattoo to represent her on my body, it would be something I would never regret. I cried on friday thinking about it, after coming home from that stressful day. And on top of that, all the bills I have to pay off, and how much my life has changed to make it more difficult to live... it all just seems to boil down on me when I have one of those trying days I guess. I had to let it all out.
SATURDAY, I work my second day of 11 hours, which seemed to go by a bit more smoothely, and after I find a ride home with a server. I spend my saturday night smoking a joint with him and having a few beers, while conversing about the ways of men and women. This really is meant for another blog but to sum it up... we both analyzed the brains of the two genders and how they function. We came to the conclusion that if a guy thinks a girl is attractive, they usually start pushing buttons to see how far they will let them go. If she backs away, they know not to go further or to take it slower... OR if they react positively to the mans sly ways, its alllll game and turns into a wild night. OK, then there's the type where if a guy really likes a girl, they tend to either not bring out their personality or avoid them because they are afraid of being rejected by that on single person. "Hey, you can get blown off by attractive looking girls, but if you actually really like her and care for her then youre terrified of rejection so you avoid all oppurtunities where theres a chance of being rejected" is what he said. I can believe that too. BUT STILL, inside a womans brain is like "what the hell are you doing?? I'm still waiting for you to ask me out... (wandering eyes) oh hes kinda cute." I realized women can get distracted easily if they aren't getting some sort of dominating moves from a man, that is if they are not sure if they like this person... they're looks are in... but does the personality match? Women, believe it or not, go for personality more than many might think.
I could keep typing the conversation we had ... but we were indeed high and we went on for a while about it. Shit though, everyone loves talking about the opposite sex... it's intriguing for our young, naive minds.
Now I'm here, it's sunday. I worked earlier today, which was so low key that I hardly worked. I had a good time goofing off thats for sure. I was supposed to go out on a boat today but it just didn't work out so I came home... and fell asleep. now, I'm about to take a shower as I ponder if I should continue drinking beers until I pass out again or if I should actually go out ... hmmm.
Anyway, until next time ... later thoughts
M
Friday, oh man, was a hard working day for me. I can't explain how hard hosting can be sometimes. All the servers seemed to be extra bitchy to me, I think they just needed someone to blame for the fact that it was a very busy and an almost unbearably humid day. I tried making everyone happy but hey sometimes you cant change the fact that theres 5 slow old grumpy 70 year olds coming in, or a family with 5 kids and a screaming baby, or teenage kids that are cheap and snotty as hell... Along with that bringing me down today, I worked 11 hours the day before and had only 2 hours of sleep. no joke. I was BEAT starting from when I woke up. I sleepwalk into work and try sooo hard to sustain my eyes from closing. I was a zombie... but somehow, alot of mountain dew and screaming voices around me kept me going. I was fine, I had a few good times in my day where people were actually being accepting as a human being and everyone seemed to have been getting good tables. then I crashhh...
the next host comes in and I bolt for anything to lay on. I find a cement floor in the break room. Heck, that was good enough for me. I could hardly walk at that point. I got a good hour and a half of sleep and wake up to sarah's phone call.. I answer half asleep and actually cozy on the chalky hard floor to her telling me I had to go back to work. The rest of the night after that was HELL. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. But I kept trying and sucked it up. Every server seemed to have something negative to say every table I sat them. I was sexually harrassed that night, we had to kick the guy out actually. I dropped a glass and it broke onto a little boy, that made me feel horrible. I was cleaning a table and out of nowhere this squirming, nasty bug appears. THEN, on top of that, I get yelled at my manager for not being motivated enough.
I finally got out of the hell hole at around 10:30 and sarah was tired as well THANK GOD, so we get home to our beds calling out our names. I passed out so fast and didn't wake up until the next day of working.
ok, I just don't want to talk about work anymore.... I worked 40 hours this week and I'm DONE... haha well until tomorrow. But still... I can relax and enjoy this time away from the RB.
In between all the chaos this weekend, I thought about my mom alot. I miss her alot sometimes and when life gets tough she always seems to come floating to the top of my head. I was explaining to this older man that came into work that I wanted a tattoo of her on my back. I really want to do this and I've been thinking about it for so long. I just think she is alot of me, more than I knew. If I had a tattoo to represent her on my body, it would be something I would never regret. I cried on friday thinking about it, after coming home from that stressful day. And on top of that, all the bills I have to pay off, and how much my life has changed to make it more difficult to live... it all just seems to boil down on me when I have one of those trying days I guess. I had to let it all out.
SATURDAY, I work my second day of 11 hours, which seemed to go by a bit more smoothely, and after I find a ride home with a server. I spend my saturday night smoking a joint with him and having a few beers, while conversing about the ways of men and women. This really is meant for another blog but to sum it up... we both analyzed the brains of the two genders and how they function. We came to the conclusion that if a guy thinks a girl is attractive, they usually start pushing buttons to see how far they will let them go. If she backs away, they know not to go further or to take it slower... OR if they react positively to the mans sly ways, its alllll game and turns into a wild night. OK, then there's the type where if a guy really likes a girl, they tend to either not bring out their personality or avoid them because they are afraid of being rejected by that on single person. "Hey, you can get blown off by attractive looking girls, but if you actually really like her and care for her then youre terrified of rejection so you avoid all oppurtunities where theres a chance of being rejected" is what he said. I can believe that too. BUT STILL, inside a womans brain is like "what the hell are you doing?? I'm still waiting for you to ask me out... (wandering eyes) oh hes kinda cute." I realized women can get distracted easily if they aren't getting some sort of dominating moves from a man, that is if they are not sure if they like this person... they're looks are in... but does the personality match? Women, believe it or not, go for personality more than many might think.
I could keep typing the conversation we had ... but we were indeed high and we went on for a while about it. Shit though, everyone loves talking about the opposite sex... it's intriguing for our young, naive minds.
Now I'm here, it's sunday. I worked earlier today, which was so low key that I hardly worked. I had a good time goofing off thats for sure. I was supposed to go out on a boat today but it just didn't work out so I came home... and fell asleep. now, I'm about to take a shower as I ponder if I should continue drinking beers until I pass out again or if I should actually go out ... hmmm.
Anyway, until next time ... later thoughts
M
Thursday, July 20, 2006
MY BREAK
I know it's sad... the only break I get in my day I spend writing a blog. What can I say though? it's soothing words for my souuul.
I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...
I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.
three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me
annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.
somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again
tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home
nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.
until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!
....god, I hope tonight works out...
I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...
I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.
three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me
annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.
somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again
tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home
nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.
until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!
....god, I hope tonight works out...
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The adventures of CAMP CHAOS
Oh, what a weekend I have had. A very chaotic weekend might I add. I couldn't have needed another weekend like this more. Except maybe one thats on an exotic beach with candles all around me and bryan by my side. (haha... yeah right) THIS weekend worked out just fine though.
DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.
Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.
DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.
A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.
ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.
from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.
Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.
right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.
until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.
Mikaela Fuckin' Bird
DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.
Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.
DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.
A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.
ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.
from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.
Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.
right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.
until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.
Mikaela Fuckin' Bird
Friday, July 14, 2006
Driving away....
these past few nights, I've had a blast getting trashed at the apartment with everyone and running into a bunch of people I havent seen in a long time. I guess thats summer for ya though.
FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P
I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))
In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.
DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.
M
FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P
I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))
In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.
DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.
M
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