I know it's sad... the only break I get in my day I spend writing a blog. What can I say though? it's soothing words for my souuul.
I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...
I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.
three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me
annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.
somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again
tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home
nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.
until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!
....god, I hope tonight works out...
Don't let morals set you back in life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
The adventures of CAMP CHAOS
Oh, what a weekend I have had. A very chaotic weekend might I add. I couldn't have needed another weekend like this more. Except maybe one thats on an exotic beach with candles all around me and bryan by my side. (haha... yeah right) THIS weekend worked out just fine though.
DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.
Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.
DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.
A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.
ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.
from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.
Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.
right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.
until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.
Mikaela Fuckin' Bird
DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.
Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.
DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.
A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.
ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.
from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.
Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.
right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.
until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.
Mikaela Fuckin' Bird
Friday, July 14, 2006
Driving away....
these past few nights, I've had a blast getting trashed at the apartment with everyone and running into a bunch of people I havent seen in a long time. I guess thats summer for ya though.
FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P
I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))
In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.
DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.
M
FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P
I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))
In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.
DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.
M
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Empty stomach, empty mind
GRRRR everything I just wrote was completely erased on accident. I hate that but at least I can express it all over again. AHH and I was just about to get some food because I havent ate anything in a whole 24 hours. shit. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I love food, I love cooking food, and I work at a fuckin restaurant for god's sake.
So, where I left off with my roommate resulted in avoiding our potential arguement for clarity on both behalfs because it just wasnt worth my breath. She came home and since then we just put it in the back of our heads and pretended we never even fought. Thats how we are though, we just keep things unresolved because in the end, we'll end up making up and realizing that it was pathetic to be even fighting in the first place.
Since then, there's been a few events that have gone my way and made my life a bit easier and less stressful. I'm talking to bry alot more, and he seems to be actually coming through (or at least trying to). I feel that he could be coming out of the black hole of this long overdue mystery, but then again I don't want to say that because knowing me I'll end up jinxing myself haha. Theres not a minute that goes by that hes not in my head. And now half the time I'm thinking about him I'm at least talking to him and not sitting and ripping my hair out waiting for him to make a move. So I guess thats good right? One step closer... hah..
Another event is that Sarah got a DUI about a week ago. I know I shouldn't be happy about that by any means. But because she got that... she thinks its stupid to move back to florida so soon. She was going to leave in two weeks, and now shes not thinking about moving until the end of the summer, whenever she can get her DUI handled and out of the way. That means, I won't have to find another roommate which is practically unrealistic timing, pay more for rent or MOVE once again into somewhere cheaper. I hate packing and leaving. At this point I'm glad that I get to sit here and lay back and not always be on-the-go or unhappy about where I'm living. Moving does not have to be on my mind for at least another month.
One other event that I can think about that helps me out is a CAR. I need one damnit... I'm wasting alot of time taking the bus and I would LOVE to just be in control and get from point A to point B without having to transfer buses or taking the wrong bus and ending up in the complete opposite direction. I talked to this older guy and he has a honda civic he's willing to give me for 500 bucks. not too bad right? not that classy either but hey I got somethin goin for me.
As far as my life goes, I dont think I'm much of a happy camper but I'm better than what I was and fortunate for what I have. I just feel like I don't get a good grip out of life sometimes when it gets so complicated. I want to go back to being a kid where life was simple, days were longer, less stress was met, and decisions made were clear and instinctful. I wish I could be takin back to better days and feel like this time in between isn't wasting me away. Until then, I will have to deal with it and make the most out of what I have - or dont have -
I NEED to eat now... I'm starting to bite my nails- thats always a sign :P
later thoughts... later days...
So, where I left off with my roommate resulted in avoiding our potential arguement for clarity on both behalfs because it just wasnt worth my breath. She came home and since then we just put it in the back of our heads and pretended we never even fought. Thats how we are though, we just keep things unresolved because in the end, we'll end up making up and realizing that it was pathetic to be even fighting in the first place.
Since then, there's been a few events that have gone my way and made my life a bit easier and less stressful. I'm talking to bry alot more, and he seems to be actually coming through (or at least trying to). I feel that he could be coming out of the black hole of this long overdue mystery, but then again I don't want to say that because knowing me I'll end up jinxing myself haha. Theres not a minute that goes by that hes not in my head. And now half the time I'm thinking about him I'm at least talking to him and not sitting and ripping my hair out waiting for him to make a move. So I guess thats good right? One step closer... hah..
Another event is that Sarah got a DUI about a week ago. I know I shouldn't be happy about that by any means. But because she got that... she thinks its stupid to move back to florida so soon. She was going to leave in two weeks, and now shes not thinking about moving until the end of the summer, whenever she can get her DUI handled and out of the way. That means, I won't have to find another roommate which is practically unrealistic timing, pay more for rent or MOVE once again into somewhere cheaper. I hate packing and leaving. At this point I'm glad that I get to sit here and lay back and not always be on-the-go or unhappy about where I'm living. Moving does not have to be on my mind for at least another month.
One other event that I can think about that helps me out is a CAR. I need one damnit... I'm wasting alot of time taking the bus and I would LOVE to just be in control and get from point A to point B without having to transfer buses or taking the wrong bus and ending up in the complete opposite direction. I talked to this older guy and he has a honda civic he's willing to give me for 500 bucks. not too bad right? not that classy either but hey I got somethin goin for me.
As far as my life goes, I dont think I'm much of a happy camper but I'm better than what I was and fortunate for what I have. I just feel like I don't get a good grip out of life sometimes when it gets so complicated. I want to go back to being a kid where life was simple, days were longer, less stress was met, and decisions made were clear and instinctful. I wish I could be takin back to better days and feel like this time in between isn't wasting me away. Until then, I will have to deal with it and make the most out of what I have - or dont have -
I NEED to eat now... I'm starting to bite my nails- thats always a sign :P
later thoughts... later days...
Thursday, June 29, 2006
stupid fights in the summer heat...
Today is one of my days off this week. I just so happen to get a few less shifts for working as the weather gets hotter and more like summer. So, I've been out on a boat pretty much every day and then partying after. Today rolls around and I'm now beat and sore and tired. It feels good knowing I have nothing to do. After all the swimming and boating I've endured the last few days I can hardly move anyway.
In between all the fun, there always has to be alittle drama in my life. I got into a fight with my roommate, Sarah. She's really been irritating me lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Just the way she acts and her reactions to what I say tend to piss me off. Sometimes, she can really put people down, even people she doesnt even know. And other times she gets mad at me because she thinks I use her when I ask for a ride somewhere. However, I put money in her tank so that she can... And then sometimes she just is completely out of the party mood when we're all out so I feel like I have to cater to her and speak up for her so that she doesnt feel "left out." Thats really fuckin irritating sometimes man, especially when I just want mingle and have a good time. AND on top of that, she always wants to leave at the worst times... like when she sees me talking to someone or laughing and hanging out ... shes like "miki, I'm really tired can we just go?" and then if I dont want to go then and there she gets pissed at me. Lately, shes really been on the edge with me, and I don't know if shes in a good or bad mood sometimes. I have invited her with me on the boats this week and everywhere we go, because she doesnt know alot of people since she's lived here less than a year.
Yesterday, she wouldnt come get me as she was with MY sister and our good friend, and I was alllready in a shitty mood because of my allergiess and soreness so I told her "well, if you can't come and get me then I think I will just take the bus home ... but go have fun" and she probably thought I was saying that to make her feel guilty looking back, but thats all I really wanted to do. ANDREA decides to show up at my work and she ends up taking me to kirkland. We are all on the boat and me and sarah arent really talking to eachother. A while later, I ask my sister and her friend whats up with her, and they told me that she thinks I'm mad at her and I really shouldnt be because she drives me everywhere and blah blah. And I reacted saying she OFFERS rides and on top of that I pay for them. most of the time its not even out of her way. and then I told ally that I think shes being really edgy and needs to chill out because we're all having a good time... I just didnt know what to do.. and all of what I say gets redirected back to her. She then comes up to me and starts yelling at me and patting my shoulder and talking me down.... I jsut turned my head and was like "whoo hoo! dont really need to hear this right now!" If I reacted any other way I swear I just wanted to fuckin sock her. Anyway, AHHH thank god I got that out. now shes at work and I have nothing to worry about.
I think I am just going to clean the place up, which will get her in a better mood because I really dont want to deal with it today...
In between all the fun, there always has to be alittle drama in my life. I got into a fight with my roommate, Sarah. She's really been irritating me lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Just the way she acts and her reactions to what I say tend to piss me off. Sometimes, she can really put people down, even people she doesnt even know. And other times she gets mad at me because she thinks I use her when I ask for a ride somewhere. However, I put money in her tank so that she can... And then sometimes she just is completely out of the party mood when we're all out so I feel like I have to cater to her and speak up for her so that she doesnt feel "left out." Thats really fuckin irritating sometimes man, especially when I just want mingle and have a good time. AND on top of that, she always wants to leave at the worst times... like when she sees me talking to someone or laughing and hanging out ... shes like "miki, I'm really tired can we just go?" and then if I dont want to go then and there she gets pissed at me. Lately, shes really been on the edge with me, and I don't know if shes in a good or bad mood sometimes. I have invited her with me on the boats this week and everywhere we go, because she doesnt know alot of people since she's lived here less than a year.
Yesterday, she wouldnt come get me as she was with MY sister and our good friend, and I was alllready in a shitty mood because of my allergiess and soreness so I told her "well, if you can't come and get me then I think I will just take the bus home ... but go have fun" and she probably thought I was saying that to make her feel guilty looking back, but thats all I really wanted to do. ANDREA decides to show up at my work and she ends up taking me to kirkland. We are all on the boat and me and sarah arent really talking to eachother. A while later, I ask my sister and her friend whats up with her, and they told me that she thinks I'm mad at her and I really shouldnt be because she drives me everywhere and blah blah. And I reacted saying she OFFERS rides and on top of that I pay for them. most of the time its not even out of her way. and then I told ally that I think shes being really edgy and needs to chill out because we're all having a good time... I just didnt know what to do.. and all of what I say gets redirected back to her. She then comes up to me and starts yelling at me and patting my shoulder and talking me down.... I jsut turned my head and was like "whoo hoo! dont really need to hear this right now!" If I reacted any other way I swear I just wanted to fuckin sock her. Anyway, AHHH thank god I got that out. now shes at work and I have nothing to worry about.
I think I am just going to clean the place up, which will get her in a better mood because I really dont want to deal with it today...
Saturday, June 17, 2006
One of those days....
It's been a hard few weeks but I'm making it by and lifting myself up. Its just when certain things - even the smallest - dont go my way I break. I wish I could be strong right now. Thats how I've always been. However, the changing process of who I am and what I'm doing with my life seems to go by as if I'm walking on glass. I'm worn out, beat, and confused. Last night I tried to go out but it was one of those nights where nothing seemed to go my way and everyone was in pissy moods. One of my friends said something, which wasn't even that bad, but it still hurt my feelings and I had it... I anti-socialized (if thats even a word) myself into a dark room and called people that could make me feel better. Lately, joel has been pulling through as superman once again. He picked me up the next morning and drove me to where I needed to go. He's always so good to me and I feel shitty for being the person I was to him last summer. He always comes through and thats what I will always appreciate about him. I can't like him the way I used to though, because I'm distracted by you-know-who. I can't like anyone for that matter.
today is a better day . have to work later . and I have nooo clue what I'm doing after . it will probably be the reason for another journal entry though...
later thoughts
today is a better day . have to work later . and I have nooo clue what I'm doing after . it will probably be the reason for another journal entry though...
later thoughts
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Letting go...
It seems like I only tend to write negativity in here but all the posivity in my life right now is either fake or an altered state of mind. I think I could be depressed if I didnt have people to turn to. I am living in a very intense time of my life and I'm LOST. Not having a mother is hard enough, but now I've lost a father too - at least for a very long time. I feel no love from him anymore these last few days I am here living with him. As I'm sobbing here writting this, I hear my dad storming off in a tantrum and throwing anything of mine down the stairs. He claimed he has provided for me for 20 years. providing what... yeah alllll the material things. I have only lived with him 3 years of my entire life and all the rest of the years we would see him twice a year for a week and it would be the best fake time of my life. Since I've lived with him, he lost his ex wife (my mom), his fourth wife which was long overdue, and he lost his job and didnt get another one for 2 years after. He could be having a major crisis in his life and I know I'm only adding on to it. I tried to do what he told me but it never seemed to be enough. I came to a point of never being around. I didnt want to face him or deal with his bitching so I avoided it all together. I realized that I could have tried harder to make him more proud of me but there came a time when I started losing respect for him. The more I'm hurt from his words and his anger for me the more respect I lost for him. I started inviting people over when he was out of town because I didnt care, even though he specifically told me not to. I would always clean up the mess and make it like it was before but he found out one way or another that I had people over... and knowing that I defied him made him feel powerless. He claimed that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because I had a few people over ON my birthday while he was out of town. But I think he just forgot and since hes limited on his money he wouldnt want to blow some of what he still has on me.
I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.
alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.
Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......
I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.
alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.
Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......
Sunday, June 11, 2006
my life updated... beware
since I've written in this meaningless blog that no one reads... I ponder about why my life has gone upside down. I'm not in school right now. NEVER thought I would take a break so soon but I couldnt imagine how much of a struggle it would be if I went right now. I'm barely even at home anymore... well not home but the house in bellevue. I say that because I'm moving out soon... or, getting kicked out. My fathers relationship with me, I'd say, is probably at the all-time low right now. I've never felt so unloved and unwanted as a daughter. Maybe once I move out and get completely on my own we can at least be acquaintances but as for now he's an eye-glaring stranger that I'm afraid of ... and live with.
Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...
One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha
ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.
later thoughts...
-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)
Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...
One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha
ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.
later thoughts...
-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
YES, I exist...
so since the last time I wrote on here, I was starting college and it was going well. WELL, first semester did turn out pretty well, however last semester of my first year in college was a DISGRACE - lets just say that I got bad grades... ok I partied too much. The more I kept crying on the phone with my dad being so afraid of what I should expect when I get home from his sternness, my life at wazzu became sort of a blur. (when I came home however, my dad and I became best friends which wasnt what I expected.) I took sundays off of partying to recover, which wasn't enough to get by with grades I aimed for. WHATEVER freshman is a time I will never forget! Examples of my unforgettable experience include:
~having huge slumber parties in my dorm room with a mattress covered floor.
~laughing/having fun/being loud at all hrs of the night to piss our loser, neighbor friend off.
~DRUNK DIALING - I'm not annoying... much (I swear to GOD I'm not DRUNK!)
~daily girl gossip
~GIRL FIGHTS - well almost but there was definitely tension
~MY infamous fruit steal from the stalled semi truck
~sleeping on the frat porches... yes I know
~getting kicked out of FLIX with noticably drunk KRISTEN haha
~me and my lovely roomie, BEAR TOES, being dramatic with music
~pulling allnighters until class in the morning (mostly because I party hard... not study hard)
~lovely surprises in my room when I was gone like it being covered in TOILET PAPER!
~drinking during class
~swallowing a goldfish --- umm yeah I was dared and drunk... I had no other choice
well I could go on but then I would be up all night... regardless though, wazzu rocked my world and I hope I can get back being a more successful student so I'll last.
Anyway, since college, I spent a couple days at home until I got the chance to fly to new york to work for my brother and his company! And I must say, I've been here about five days and barely got any work done, we've just been partying too much! yeah thats my brother for ya: a lazy bum that happened to get lucky and start his own online advertising agency and since then had it made for him... he and his girfriend, Maritza just had a baby girl, Madison, in december so I'm having fun with her. I love spending time with the fam here since I really havent had the chance to before now. in the next few days we're supposed to go to miami to do some more work, if my brother can get off his ass and book the flights! I'm excited to get there!
Anyway, I'm tired (and high haha) but just thoguht I would throw a few words in here to catch up a bit... more later though :)
gnight,
MB
~having huge slumber parties in my dorm room with a mattress covered floor.
~laughing/having fun/being loud at all hrs of the night to piss our loser, neighbor friend off.
~DRUNK DIALING - I'm not annoying... much (I swear to GOD I'm not DRUNK!)
~daily girl gossip
~GIRL FIGHTS - well almost but there was definitely tension
~MY infamous fruit steal from the stalled semi truck
~sleeping on the frat porches... yes I know
~getting kicked out of FLIX with noticably drunk KRISTEN haha
~me and my lovely roomie, BEAR TOES, being dramatic with music
~pulling allnighters until class in the morning (mostly because I party hard... not study hard)
~lovely surprises in my room when I was gone like it being covered in TOILET PAPER!
~drinking during class
~swallowing a goldfish --- umm yeah I was dared and drunk... I had no other choice
well I could go on but then I would be up all night... regardless though, wazzu rocked my world and I hope I can get back being a more successful student so I'll last.
Anyway, since college, I spent a couple days at home until I got the chance to fly to new york to work for my brother and his company! And I must say, I've been here about five days and barely got any work done, we've just been partying too much! yeah thats my brother for ya: a lazy bum that happened to get lucky and start his own online advertising agency and since then had it made for him... he and his girfriend, Maritza just had a baby girl, Madison, in december so I'm having fun with her. I love spending time with the fam here since I really havent had the chance to before now. in the next few days we're supposed to go to miami to do some more work, if my brother can get off his ass and book the flights! I'm excited to get there!
Anyway, I'm tired (and high haha) but just thoguht I would throw a few words in here to catch up a bit... more later though :)
gnight,
MB
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
I still have a BLOG
WOW I haven't wrote in this for a while. I guess I just didnt feel the need to since college has started for me. Plus I'm not really motivated to do so.
College has been reallly good for me. I just started water polo last week and went to a tournament this weekend and realized how much I missed this sport and is something I love. My whole life I have always left the people and things that i love so I'm glad I'm taking this sport back up in my life. And I've met some really cool people so far during the process.
I guess I'm going to be an aunty TWICE now! my sister is having a baby boy in february and my brother is having a baby girl in December! I can't believe it... I'm so happy for them both.
GUYS GUYS OH GUYS.... I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I have the most fucked up relationships that I know every problem with relationships in the book. OK well I guess its not really that bad but I just want to meet a new guy, someone different from the others. I always end up finding something wrong in a guy and it's something that screws everything up in the end.... wow I'm not being really specific... OK the only thing I'm seeing in why guys like me is because of my looks. I want to be able to meet someone and have them want to get to know me more because they're interested in my personality and not my looks. Then again, I don't think I would necessarily be into someone that was an ugly duck. Physical attractiveness is all what its about these days...
dude I cant concentrate with these crazy people in my class right now but I WILL write WAY more often.... hopefully...
College has been reallly good for me. I just started water polo last week and went to a tournament this weekend and realized how much I missed this sport and is something I love. My whole life I have always left the people and things that i love so I'm glad I'm taking this sport back up in my life. And I've met some really cool people so far during the process.
I guess I'm going to be an aunty TWICE now! my sister is having a baby boy in february and my brother is having a baby girl in December! I can't believe it... I'm so happy for them both.
GUYS GUYS OH GUYS.... I just don't know what to do with myself these days. I have the most fucked up relationships that I know every problem with relationships in the book. OK well I guess its not really that bad but I just want to meet a new guy, someone different from the others. I always end up finding something wrong in a guy and it's something that screws everything up in the end.... wow I'm not being really specific... OK the only thing I'm seeing in why guys like me is because of my looks. I want to be able to meet someone and have them want to get to know me more because they're interested in my personality and not my looks. Then again, I don't think I would necessarily be into someone that was an ugly duck. Physical attractiveness is all what its about these days...
dude I cant concentrate with these crazy people in my class right now but I WILL write WAY more often.... hopefully...
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Winding down...
Wow ... it seems like as the days pass by and summer is coming down to an end for me, I have the time of my life just kickin it and having fun. Ahhh I hate how that happens to me! I'm really excited too at the same time, knowing that I'm taking a whole new step in my life which will reflect my future. Summer just doesn't feel like it should end so soon I guess.
I just realize yesterday that I wasn't signed up to rush so I guess it turns out that I don't have to leave for a couple more days! That gives me so much more flexibility rather than leaving tomorrow morning! I figure that this is better anyway, that way I don't have to be committed to anything right in the beginning and I can just get a feel of what I am interested in, if that is deciding to pledge next semester or not.
Hmm... the past two weeks have just kinda flew by, but then again so has this whole summer. I guess lately I've been trying to find where the party's at and trying to live my limited time here in Bellevue up! Last night was pretty crazy. As Laura and I get impatient waiting for people to call, we decided to meet up with this guy Tony that I met at the beach a while back. He takes us to this party in Juanita and it's alright I guess. Laura and I weren't feeling it after a while so when we heard of a Seattle party, we decided to leave. And of course as we leave everyone starts going crazy! Ha ha fun times. I didn't realize how good looking Tony was when I saw him last night.... hmm ha ha
I wish I could catch up more on what I've been up to but I am SO exhausted from waking up so early this morning to go on a long hike/swim after such a long night last night! I need a nap...
I'll write more soon
I just realize yesterday that I wasn't signed up to rush so I guess it turns out that I don't have to leave for a couple more days! That gives me so much more flexibility rather than leaving tomorrow morning! I figure that this is better anyway, that way I don't have to be committed to anything right in the beginning and I can just get a feel of what I am interested in, if that is deciding to pledge next semester or not.
Hmm... the past two weeks have just kinda flew by, but then again so has this whole summer. I guess lately I've been trying to find where the party's at and trying to live my limited time here in Bellevue up! Last night was pretty crazy. As Laura and I get impatient waiting for people to call, we decided to meet up with this guy Tony that I met at the beach a while back. He takes us to this party in Juanita and it's alright I guess. Laura and I weren't feeling it after a while so when we heard of a Seattle party, we decided to leave. And of course as we leave everyone starts going crazy! Ha ha fun times. I didn't realize how good looking Tony was when I saw him last night.... hmm ha ha
I wish I could catch up more on what I've been up to but I am SO exhausted from waking up so early this morning to go on a long hike/swim after such a long night last night! I need a nap...
I'll write more soon
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
uhh... 10 days?
Ok ... So the first part of this week was a very interesting one. I traveled the pass with my good buddy Calvin and headed towards WSU for a couple days. I thought it was put together pretty well, but it just seemed like too much was going on all at once and we never had any down time. Because of this, we brought some of our own excitement ... WEED! Not only did Calv and I bring some chron, but we met three bomb ass guys that matched with us and we all got smoked out. It was fuckin insane though because we smoked in our dorms and if any of the orientation counselors were to find out, we would be kicked off the program. Knowing that, of course an orientation counselor comes into our room with like 10 people in it and questions if we smoked because it wreaked in the hallway. We convinced though that it was us by saying that we saw a couple kids wondering in a hallway and a whole bunch of kids on a floor in the building, and they left with our convincing words. We definitely had an awesome time. Oh! and I had an awesome roommate with basically the same name as me, Kayla! She's coming up to Seattle next weekend from Oregon so we can kick it ... I'm excited! Thank God though that I could go with Calvin after all because he's one of the coolest guys I know and I haven't seen him all summer so it was nice to catch up.
Now I'm back home and it feels so nice to be back at least for a little bit. I'm really running out of time though here and I'm about to head to college... crazy stuff. I'm going to be missing so many people over here, especially the ones I've kicked it with this summer. I'm gonna have to shout out to D, you've always been there for me, whether it's someone to talk to or just kickin it at the beach or cruisin in the car. AND LAURA! Man we have gotten so close this summer and now you're heading to Cali in a few weeks! We have had some awesome times together this summer and it's something I'm definitely going to miss... Brandon, you're are one of the coolest, most down-to-earth guys I know. Thank you for being there for me this summer (hmm TOW?!?) and smoking me out several times! Marcello! I'm going to miss living so close to you and seeing you every day workin hard at my house.. you're awesome. Tyler, you're hot. Joel, you're probably the one I've known the longest since I've been in WA and it's been a blast whenever I kick it with you! Katie... you've already left me down in New Mexico! We've had some great times together... too bad we didn't kick it more though. All the MN homies: I'm sorry I couldn't make it out there this summer but at least I saw one of you! yep that's right JUSTIN! You're the man and probably one of the best guys I can talk to about anything LOL. (fajitas ha ha)
AHH!! I have to go get ready and go college shopping... I'm excited. I know I missed some of you up there so I know I'll be shouting out to more of you as these next 10 days roll by. LOL I feel like I'm never going to see them again! I'll be back for the breaks though for sure.
"And that's it..." as my MN friend Katie would say.
~BB
Now I'm back home and it feels so nice to be back at least for a little bit. I'm really running out of time though here and I'm about to head to college... crazy stuff. I'm going to be missing so many people over here, especially the ones I've kicked it with this summer. I'm gonna have to shout out to D, you've always been there for me, whether it's someone to talk to or just kickin it at the beach or cruisin in the car. AND LAURA! Man we have gotten so close this summer and now you're heading to Cali in a few weeks! We have had some awesome times together this summer and it's something I'm definitely going to miss... Brandon, you're are one of the coolest, most down-to-earth guys I know. Thank you for being there for me this summer (hmm TOW?!?) and smoking me out several times! Marcello! I'm going to miss living so close to you and seeing you every day workin hard at my house.. you're awesome. Tyler, you're hot. Joel, you're probably the one I've known the longest since I've been in WA and it's been a blast whenever I kick it with you! Katie... you've already left me down in New Mexico! We've had some great times together... too bad we didn't kick it more though. All the MN homies: I'm sorry I couldn't make it out there this summer but at least I saw one of you! yep that's right JUSTIN! You're the man and probably one of the best guys I can talk to about anything LOL. (fajitas ha ha)
AHH!! I have to go get ready and go college shopping... I'm excited. I know I missed some of you up there so I know I'll be shouting out to more of you as these next 10 days roll by. LOL I feel like I'm never going to see them again! I'll be back for the breaks though for sure.
"And that's it..." as my MN friend Katie would say.
~BB
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Where did SUMMER go?
seriously... This summer has been a trip, but at the same time it's been FLYING by. Even though my summer is going to be cut short because WSU starts so early, what did I do these whole 6 weeks?!? I really don't even know where to begin...
Well to start off, the familymobile got towed about 2 weeks ago. I went to a TKE party and parked my car in a fairly safe parking lot. As I have my fun and time goes by, I start to head back to my car thats not where I parked it. My friend, Laura, almost freaks me out by saying the worst that could happen to my car, it being stolen. For a split second I almost believe her, until I realize that you can't just steal a Ford Taurus, it's basically a police car and it can't be wired up to start. So it becomes clear to me that my car had gotten towed. My AWESOME friend Brandon (my ex water polo coach) was truely the homie. He called a cab, paid for it, and let me and Laura pass out at his apartment until he would drive us the next morning and paid the $200 for my towed car. Seriously, I couldn't have asked for more from him, except for smoking me out every once in a while ha ha.
OF course, I am supposed to pay my good friend back. So I go to the bank and take out $200 from my account, which is most of what I have, and I cash it. I bring the stack home and put it underneath a book so I don't have the temptation of spending it. A couple days later, I meet up with brandon again and go back to the spot where I had left my money, and knowing me and my luck, the money had vanished. I told NO ONE where I put the money and my sister and dad both claimed that they didn't take it either so I was just basically in a panic attack all day. I knew at some point I would need some help from my dad to pay brandon back but I didn't know how to tell him. Well it's funny because today my dad comes up to me and started talking to me about my $200 that disappeared, he then said that I would need to start working around the house to earn the money back so that I could pay for my tow. I don't know how he found out, but I'm thinking either my sister, brother, or aunt had told him, but my bets are on my brother.
Last night, after finding out that my hopes on finding my money were pretty slim to none, I invite people over. I didn't realize or expect so many people to show up but that's pretty much what happened. Everything started to get out of hand but at some point I just didn't care and I wanted to have SOME fun after a depressing and frustrating day. My dad came home though at around 10 and seemed to be alright that I had a crowd over as he was talking to all my friends and saying something around how he was known as the "king" at parties. What a funny guy ... but not really the next morning. He grounded me from the car until I leave so basically I wont be able to drive it forever and said I couldnt go to summer jam today. That really bummed me out but at the same time I wasn't feeling very well from last night so I'm not too upset and disappointed that I couldn't go. I need to make some money around the house anyway.
I'm REALLY excited though about the ALIVE trip that I'm about to go on with my good buddy Calvin. First off, my dad insisted on taking me because he thought it would be a good time to bond and talk about everything, also for him to see what I'm about to get myself into at WSU. But then yesterday he came up to me and said that he was having a hard time getting off work to take me so I realized I could go with calv after all! I'm pretty stoked about that now. I just hope I don't get really cruddy classes since we're going on the last session where you can sign up for classes. whatever though I'm in.
Well I better go off to cleaning up the house and makin some money from the father. At least I haven't gotten the WWF attitude from him... he's been pretty calm about everything but firm with the consequences... fair enough.
Yeah about not writing in this blog as much as I should...
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
~BB
Well to start off, the familymobile got towed about 2 weeks ago. I went to a TKE party and parked my car in a fairly safe parking lot. As I have my fun and time goes by, I start to head back to my car thats not where I parked it. My friend, Laura, almost freaks me out by saying the worst that could happen to my car, it being stolen. For a split second I almost believe her, until I realize that you can't just steal a Ford Taurus, it's basically a police car and it can't be wired up to start. So it becomes clear to me that my car had gotten towed. My AWESOME friend Brandon (my ex water polo coach) was truely the homie. He called a cab, paid for it, and let me and Laura pass out at his apartment until he would drive us the next morning and paid the $200 for my towed car. Seriously, I couldn't have asked for more from him, except for smoking me out every once in a while ha ha.
OF course, I am supposed to pay my good friend back. So I go to the bank and take out $200 from my account, which is most of what I have, and I cash it. I bring the stack home and put it underneath a book so I don't have the temptation of spending it. A couple days later, I meet up with brandon again and go back to the spot where I had left my money, and knowing me and my luck, the money had vanished. I told NO ONE where I put the money and my sister and dad both claimed that they didn't take it either so I was just basically in a panic attack all day. I knew at some point I would need some help from my dad to pay brandon back but I didn't know how to tell him. Well it's funny because today my dad comes up to me and started talking to me about my $200 that disappeared, he then said that I would need to start working around the house to earn the money back so that I could pay for my tow. I don't know how he found out, but I'm thinking either my sister, brother, or aunt had told him, but my bets are on my brother.
Last night, after finding out that my hopes on finding my money were pretty slim to none, I invite people over. I didn't realize or expect so many people to show up but that's pretty much what happened. Everything started to get out of hand but at some point I just didn't care and I wanted to have SOME fun after a depressing and frustrating day. My dad came home though at around 10 and seemed to be alright that I had a crowd over as he was talking to all my friends and saying something around how he was known as the "king" at parties. What a funny guy ... but not really the next morning. He grounded me from the car until I leave so basically I wont be able to drive it forever and said I couldnt go to summer jam today. That really bummed me out but at the same time I wasn't feeling very well from last night so I'm not too upset and disappointed that I couldn't go. I need to make some money around the house anyway.
I'm REALLY excited though about the ALIVE trip that I'm about to go on with my good buddy Calvin. First off, my dad insisted on taking me because he thought it would be a good time to bond and talk about everything, also for him to see what I'm about to get myself into at WSU. But then yesterday he came up to me and said that he was having a hard time getting off work to take me so I realized I could go with calv after all! I'm pretty stoked about that now. I just hope I don't get really cruddy classes since we're going on the last session where you can sign up for classes. whatever though I'm in.
Well I better go off to cleaning up the house and makin some money from the father. At least I haven't gotten the WWF attitude from him... he's been pretty calm about everything but firm with the consequences... fair enough.
Yeah about not writing in this blog as much as I should...
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
~BB
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
oh wow... I almost let a whole month go by without me making an update. This summer has been a trip though.. every day is a new day for me and I always seem to find a way so that every day is fun and I'm not just sitting on my ass or going to work. My dad kind of gave up on helping me find a job just because its so much work and I don't have that much time left until I leave so its whatever i guess.
The fourth of july was pretty alright for me, considering I was in federal way! Well I thought I was just going to be at my uncle's place for the day but as time carried on we started to realize that we're not going to have a ride back to bellevue or even seattle to go to gasworks. So we ended up just staying there for the night and the next day (we as in me, my sister, and ally). Knowing me, I wanted to make the best of where I was at so my cousins, my sister, ally and I all got faded behind my uncle's back and just had a good time for the rest of the night. HA HA oh and later on we went down the street where there were some boys my age setting off fireworks which was fun. But the best part was when these girls show up and don't seem friendly to me and Ally, I dunno maybe because we were tall and pretty and they were fat and ugly ha ha, but we had to go home we started walking away and the girls were like "fuck you!" We didn't know for sure if they were talking to us so we kept walking. We realized later that night that they were talking to us because the girl called us up and started bitching at us so we retaliated and we came down to the point where we were going to fight the next day or something but then Ally's phone went dead so nothing else happened. It was just funny to see girls who were just being I dunno, jealous? or just stuck up because they didn't know us? Ha ha whatever though it was a fun night.
Jeez summer is flying so fast though! It's crazy to think that I only have 5 more weeks of summer until I'm off to college! Maybe I'm just scared and anxious at the same time knowing that my life is about to change so much so soon. I'm glad that there will be many other people just like me who will be in the same position and feeling the same way. Thats more comforting I guess.
Well I probably should be getting ready for the day considering I just woke up an hour ago and its already 2! Good thing that is a cruddy day for weather.
If I haven't seen some of you guys yet this summer and you want to kick it CALL ME! keep in touch you know who you are.
~BB
The fourth of july was pretty alright for me, considering I was in federal way! Well I thought I was just going to be at my uncle's place for the day but as time carried on we started to realize that we're not going to have a ride back to bellevue or even seattle to go to gasworks. So we ended up just staying there for the night and the next day (we as in me, my sister, and ally). Knowing me, I wanted to make the best of where I was at so my cousins, my sister, ally and I all got faded behind my uncle's back and just had a good time for the rest of the night. HA HA oh and later on we went down the street where there were some boys my age setting off fireworks which was fun. But the best part was when these girls show up and don't seem friendly to me and Ally, I dunno maybe because we were tall and pretty and they were fat and ugly ha ha, but we had to go home we started walking away and the girls were like "fuck you!" We didn't know for sure if they were talking to us so we kept walking. We realized later that night that they were talking to us because the girl called us up and started bitching at us so we retaliated and we came down to the point where we were going to fight the next day or something but then Ally's phone went dead so nothing else happened. It was just funny to see girls who were just being I dunno, jealous? or just stuck up because they didn't know us? Ha ha whatever though it was a fun night.
Jeez summer is flying so fast though! It's crazy to think that I only have 5 more weeks of summer until I'm off to college! Maybe I'm just scared and anxious at the same time knowing that my life is about to change so much so soon. I'm glad that there will be many other people just like me who will be in the same position and feeling the same way. Thats more comforting I guess.
Well I probably should be getting ready for the day considering I just woke up an hour ago and its already 2! Good thing that is a cruddy day for weather.
If I haven't seen some of you guys yet this summer and you want to kick it CALL ME! keep in touch you know who you are.
~BB
Thursday, June 10, 2004
schools almost out
Alright so I just got back from the senior prank we just did... I was kind of disappointed on how it was all organized. I mean I guess I got there late but people were just standing around and then finally decided to leave after figuring out that there was nothing left for us to do. So now I'm living off of 3 mountain dews and I'm not feeling tired at all. Tomorrow morning will probably be different.
Wow I'm so bad at keeping up with these things. So since two weeks ago, my step mom moved out officially and I haven't seen her since, I got a new job even though my dad really thinks I should turn it down, school is almost out - one more day man - I went clubbing for the first time (now that was some crazy shit! I'm about to do that more often...), and then the same old shit or I just can't remember what else. I've just been trying to stay on the bright side even though it hasn't been leaning my way lately...
My dad has been going through a lot of stress lately and part of it has to do with me. I know he's hurting from Heather leaving and about my mom... we're both directly affected there. But the fact that he can't trust me makes our relationship seem dull. Today we've been starting to walk it through after we got into an arguement. So hopefully things will start to get better for us... especially with him trusting me... thats the biggest issue. Our lives right now are just being changed A LOT and its just been hard for us to deal with it. For me, I try not to be in that environment so I usually just spend a lot of time with friends and maybe a different mindset.
Anyway, I'm incredibly excited for my aunt to come in on friday! I love that woman to death! She's been always there for me to talk to, gets me little things every so often, and is coming in my neighborhood in TWO DAYS!! AND I also get to see my step sis and dad, Mandy and Randy! AH I miss them both so much and I'm so thankful that I get to see them soon, especially on my graduation day. Those three people mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do if I were without them. AHH I'm excited!
K, well apparently it's bedtime since it's like 2... ha ha whatever schools tomorrow and then HIGHSCHOOL IS OVER... finished just like that! well, not really "just like that" it took alot of years and hardwork to get to where I am now. From here, I have a whole summer to do whatever the hell I want to and then I'm out to Pullman, the town for WSU students... woot woot!
Well, I'm sorry for all you underclassmen who still have another week after this week of school ... plus another couple years until you graduate... it will go by faster than you know though so have fun while you kids are still young. I'm so glad this highschool thing is over...
Alright, after this weekend I'm going to have to write something about it ... by that time I'm going to be a HS grad and the summer will be here! write more later
~BB
Wow I'm so bad at keeping up with these things. So since two weeks ago, my step mom moved out officially and I haven't seen her since, I got a new job even though my dad really thinks I should turn it down, school is almost out - one more day man - I went clubbing for the first time (now that was some crazy shit! I'm about to do that more often...), and then the same old shit or I just can't remember what else. I've just been trying to stay on the bright side even though it hasn't been leaning my way lately...
My dad has been going through a lot of stress lately and part of it has to do with me. I know he's hurting from Heather leaving and about my mom... we're both directly affected there. But the fact that he can't trust me makes our relationship seem dull. Today we've been starting to walk it through after we got into an arguement. So hopefully things will start to get better for us... especially with him trusting me... thats the biggest issue. Our lives right now are just being changed A LOT and its just been hard for us to deal with it. For me, I try not to be in that environment so I usually just spend a lot of time with friends and maybe a different mindset.
Anyway, I'm incredibly excited for my aunt to come in on friday! I love that woman to death! She's been always there for me to talk to, gets me little things every so often, and is coming in my neighborhood in TWO DAYS!! AND I also get to see my step sis and dad, Mandy and Randy! AH I miss them both so much and I'm so thankful that I get to see them soon, especially on my graduation day. Those three people mean so much to me and I don't know what I would do if I were without them. AHH I'm excited!
K, well apparently it's bedtime since it's like 2... ha ha whatever schools tomorrow and then HIGHSCHOOL IS OVER... finished just like that! well, not really "just like that" it took alot of years and hardwork to get to where I am now. From here, I have a whole summer to do whatever the hell I want to and then I'm out to Pullman, the town for WSU students... woot woot!
Well, I'm sorry for all you underclassmen who still have another week after this week of school ... plus another couple years until you graduate... it will go by faster than you know though so have fun while you kids are still young. I'm so glad this highschool thing is over...
Alright, after this weekend I'm going to have to write something about it ... by that time I'm going to be a HS grad and the summer will be here! write more later
~BB
Monday, May 31, 2004
AHHH It's been a minute since I've written in this thing but I don't think alot of you readers would care anyway...
So my 18th birthday passed... it's definitely nice to be this age, but I'm not feeling the more freedom idea and less harsh parents. Speaking of parents, my step mom is finally moving out of this house and is going to be divorcing my dad eventually. I really can't believe the time has finally come. You know you think that when parents are really mad at eachother and you think they are about to split up, of course they get back together the next day. That's how it's been for my dad and step-mom. I just can't believe they actually put the foot down after 14 years. lol I keep remembering how my brothers would joke with me about me first moving here a year and a half ago. My brother would always say, "ok here's the plan: you and your sister are going to drive dad and our step mom crazy until they split up." And a year and a half later, that's exactly what happened. Apparently though, it wasn't my sister and I that broke them up, my step mom and dad said that they have been having problems with their relationship for a long time now and they both agreed that they can't have a compatable relationship anymore. I mean I guess it's a good thing the way I see it because now there isn't two heads ruling the house and I don't have to put up with my step mom yelling at me constantly. I do see it as a bad thing in a way because I saw how my dad has been lately and he's losing his wife that he has been with for 14 years of his life. She has changed him so much in many good ways and it's just sad to see him lose the woman he married. But anyway, she's probably going to be moving out soon. We have already gotten a whole bunch of boxes and her stuff down to her new place and the moving truck it coming this week to take everything else. Wow I just can't believe it's over between them...
ANYWAY, school has been literally kicking my ass. Every time I squeak a project in, I get assigned another one. I think I might go crazy if school didn't end in about two weeks. I'm so behind it feels like in everything because I have so many projects to do ... grrr I just want the days to pass and get whatever grade... I'm already going to college so a 2.5 or higher is all I want. My mind right now is like "fuck school it's over" but there's still like 2 weeks left. Time is going by soo slow right now...
This weekend was pretty decent... Friday I went to dinner with Jill and Noelle for my birthday (thanks for the dinner by the way girls it was really sweet!) Then after that I met up with some other friends and we got faded and then bowled. It was awesome... I had fun. Then on Saturday, I basically did the same thing. Didn't do too much and came home early like a good girl. Sunday, however, was different. I kicked it in Newcastle and got fucked up there and didn't get home until early the next morning. My dad saw me come in because he was up for some reason and didn't seem to trip at all. I was pretty happy about that. All he really asked is when I wanted to be waken up. He was kind of tripping out today about it though but it doesn't seem to be that big of a problem right now considering all the other family problems we're dealing with right now.
Alright, it's getting late even though I'm not all that tired considering the time I went to bed last night... but I'll hit this back up hopefully soon. Take it easy everyone!
~BB
So my 18th birthday passed... it's definitely nice to be this age, but I'm not feeling the more freedom idea and less harsh parents. Speaking of parents, my step mom is finally moving out of this house and is going to be divorcing my dad eventually. I really can't believe the time has finally come. You know you think that when parents are really mad at eachother and you think they are about to split up, of course they get back together the next day. That's how it's been for my dad and step-mom. I just can't believe they actually put the foot down after 14 years. lol I keep remembering how my brothers would joke with me about me first moving here a year and a half ago. My brother would always say, "ok here's the plan: you and your sister are going to drive dad and our step mom crazy until they split up." And a year and a half later, that's exactly what happened. Apparently though, it wasn't my sister and I that broke them up, my step mom and dad said that they have been having problems with their relationship for a long time now and they both agreed that they can't have a compatable relationship anymore. I mean I guess it's a good thing the way I see it because now there isn't two heads ruling the house and I don't have to put up with my step mom yelling at me constantly. I do see it as a bad thing in a way because I saw how my dad has been lately and he's losing his wife that he has been with for 14 years of his life. She has changed him so much in many good ways and it's just sad to see him lose the woman he married. But anyway, she's probably going to be moving out soon. We have already gotten a whole bunch of boxes and her stuff down to her new place and the moving truck it coming this week to take everything else. Wow I just can't believe it's over between them...
ANYWAY, school has been literally kicking my ass. Every time I squeak a project in, I get assigned another one. I think I might go crazy if school didn't end in about two weeks. I'm so behind it feels like in everything because I have so many projects to do ... grrr I just want the days to pass and get whatever grade... I'm already going to college so a 2.5 or higher is all I want. My mind right now is like "fuck school it's over" but there's still like 2 weeks left. Time is going by soo slow right now...
This weekend was pretty decent... Friday I went to dinner with Jill and Noelle for my birthday (thanks for the dinner by the way girls it was really sweet!) Then after that I met up with some other friends and we got faded and then bowled. It was awesome... I had fun. Then on Saturday, I basically did the same thing. Didn't do too much and came home early like a good girl. Sunday, however, was different. I kicked it in Newcastle and got fucked up there and didn't get home until early the next morning. My dad saw me come in because he was up for some reason and didn't seem to trip at all. I was pretty happy about that. All he really asked is when I wanted to be waken up. He was kind of tripping out today about it though but it doesn't seem to be that big of a problem right now considering all the other family problems we're dealing with right now.
Alright, it's getting late even though I'm not all that tired considering the time I went to bed last night... but I'll hit this back up hopefully soon. Take it easy everyone!
~BB
Sunday, May 16, 2004
It's getting harder to write in this thing on a regular basis. Too much stuff that my life is preoccupied with right now I guess.
Anyway, this weekend I had a water polo tournament to qualify for state and yep... We're definitely going to state. I'm so proud of our team this year. We've improved so much, especially me. I feel like I really know what water polo is all about and how I can master it. I guess you can say that I mastered it when I scored 5 goals for the first game we played this weekend with a 10-5 score, one goal with a 3-1 score, 2 goals with a 7-0 score, and one with a 5-7 score. Yeah we lost a game but it was alright because we were all drained out during that game from playing before and not having any subs for the starters since 5 of our players weren't there. Next weekend is state so if anyone wants to come and see me and a whole bunch of girls in swimsuits let me know ha ha.
As far as this family of mine goes here at home, we aren't doing so well but what's new? My step mom has this temper where no one can even talk to her and she's kind of being like that right now, not so much towards me since I haven't really been home for her to be angry with, but more of my sister and dad. My dad came up to me the other day and said, "If you have any problems or issues, just talk to me because Heather can't emotionally take it. And if I catch you with anything I won't tell her because of the same reason. Just think of her as someone that lives in this house." I was surprised for him to tell me that because usually my dad isn't someone that keeps things from people, I mean especially his wife, but I'm not complaining because that means less punishment for me! Plus the fact that I'm going to be 18 in like a week will bring up the fact that I'm an adult now and I don't need to be punished like a child anymore. I went to a family counselor last Thursday and talked to her about all my problems with my step mom and dad. I guess it's always nice to talk to someone about your issues, especially if they're professional.
ANYWHO, I'm kind of sad that I'm not going to prom next weekend. I mean I guess I could have done something about it, like asked someone, but they probably would have been from a different school and I wouldn't know what group to go in so whatever. Prom is over-rated anyway. Plus I have state for water polo that weekend and I'll probably celebrate my birthday too that weekend since it's on the Monday after. AHH I'm not talking about this anymore...
OMG... I have so much homework it's insane. I never have the energy or the will to do it anymore though because I know this whole highschool thing is about to be over in 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS! Holy crap, that is coming fast ... I'm excited for WSU though. I know a lot of people going there and I'm just mentally ready to leave highschool. I just haven't enjoyed it as much my senior year as I probably have in my earlier years of highschool. I know I'm about to have a kick ass summer though with the beach lifeguarding, no school, more freedom, maybe a little travel, and just kickin it with everyone. AHH I can't wait for this to be over. Then again, I don't know how it's going to be like without highschool anymore... I'm hoping much better.
Oh jeez, I have a fuckin headache, and I'm SO SORE from playing all the polo games I played this weekend... I just need to relax. AHH but I can't because I have so much other shit to do. Like Walter's gay ass book report ... shit I haven't even turned in what book I'm reading to her! 3 weeks... 3 more weeks...
Well, I'm off to do some shit I probably not wanting to do so talk to you other cats later.
~BB
Anyway, this weekend I had a water polo tournament to qualify for state and yep... We're definitely going to state. I'm so proud of our team this year. We've improved so much, especially me. I feel like I really know what water polo is all about and how I can master it. I guess you can say that I mastered it when I scored 5 goals for the first game we played this weekend with a 10-5 score, one goal with a 3-1 score, 2 goals with a 7-0 score, and one with a 5-7 score. Yeah we lost a game but it was alright because we were all drained out during that game from playing before and not having any subs for the starters since 5 of our players weren't there. Next weekend is state so if anyone wants to come and see me and a whole bunch of girls in swimsuits let me know ha ha.
As far as this family of mine goes here at home, we aren't doing so well but what's new? My step mom has this temper where no one can even talk to her and she's kind of being like that right now, not so much towards me since I haven't really been home for her to be angry with, but more of my sister and dad. My dad came up to me the other day and said, "If you have any problems or issues, just talk to me because Heather can't emotionally take it. And if I catch you with anything I won't tell her because of the same reason. Just think of her as someone that lives in this house." I was surprised for him to tell me that because usually my dad isn't someone that keeps things from people, I mean especially his wife, but I'm not complaining because that means less punishment for me! Plus the fact that I'm going to be 18 in like a week will bring up the fact that I'm an adult now and I don't need to be punished like a child anymore. I went to a family counselor last Thursday and talked to her about all my problems with my step mom and dad. I guess it's always nice to talk to someone about your issues, especially if they're professional.
ANYWHO, I'm kind of sad that I'm not going to prom next weekend. I mean I guess I could have done something about it, like asked someone, but they probably would have been from a different school and I wouldn't know what group to go in so whatever. Prom is over-rated anyway. Plus I have state for water polo that weekend and I'll probably celebrate my birthday too that weekend since it's on the Monday after. AHH I'm not talking about this anymore...
OMG... I have so much homework it's insane. I never have the energy or the will to do it anymore though because I know this whole highschool thing is about to be over in 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS! Holy crap, that is coming fast ... I'm excited for WSU though. I know a lot of people going there and I'm just mentally ready to leave highschool. I just haven't enjoyed it as much my senior year as I probably have in my earlier years of highschool. I know I'm about to have a kick ass summer though with the beach lifeguarding, no school, more freedom, maybe a little travel, and just kickin it with everyone. AHH I can't wait for this to be over. Then again, I don't know how it's going to be like without highschool anymore... I'm hoping much better.
Oh jeez, I have a fuckin headache, and I'm SO SORE from playing all the polo games I played this weekend... I just need to relax. AHH but I can't because I have so much other shit to do. Like Walter's gay ass book report ... shit I haven't even turned in what book I'm reading to her! 3 weeks... 3 more weeks...
Well, I'm off to do some shit I probably not wanting to do so talk to you other cats later.
~BB
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Wow, what a weekend. After everything that I've gone through, I just need to learn from it and move on. I'm not going to smoke anymore for the time being. All it does it just fuck me up and get me in trouble, especially during my water polo season. As far as drinking goes, it's been a big issue in my family knowing that my mom was an alcoholic and died from it. I don't want to end up like that so I just need to be more aware of what I'm doing and if it's smart. I'm not saying that I'm not going to drink anymore, I just need to have my limits.
It's kind of been bothering me how people come up to me or IM me asking why I'm not acting sad about my mom passing away. I am deeply hurt by what has happened and changed in my life, but I'm not about to isolate myself from everyone and cry until I can't anymore. I'm not that kind of person to let life pass me by while I just sit around. Don't get me wrong though, I let myself out at the service as I saw all of the people that were there for her and supported me and my family. It was tough to get through because I was so emotionally effected, along with many others that were there. Her life just passed by way too fast. I've had to cope with what has happened knowing that it was out of my hands. It was weird though that I coincidentally talked to my mom the night before she died... I didn't talk to her since winter break before that last conversation. I love my mom very much and dedicate this day to her as it is Mother Day. I'm missing her a lot right now.
Oh man, I haven't done any homework this past week, but to be honest it really hasn't really crossed my mind or had a big importance to me. I just know that I'm out of shape for water polo. I haven't been to practice since Monday. Tomorrow will be interesting when I go. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day, which I hope you all took the time to acknowledge and perhaps celebrate. G'night all...
~BB
It's kind of been bothering me how people come up to me or IM me asking why I'm not acting sad about my mom passing away. I am deeply hurt by what has happened and changed in my life, but I'm not about to isolate myself from everyone and cry until I can't anymore. I'm not that kind of person to let life pass me by while I just sit around. Don't get me wrong though, I let myself out at the service as I saw all of the people that were there for her and supported me and my family. It was tough to get through because I was so emotionally effected, along with many others that were there. Her life just passed by way too fast. I've had to cope with what has happened knowing that it was out of my hands. It was weird though that I coincidentally talked to my mom the night before she died... I didn't talk to her since winter break before that last conversation. I love my mom very much and dedicate this day to her as it is Mother Day. I'm missing her a lot right now.
Oh man, I haven't done any homework this past week, but to be honest it really hasn't really crossed my mind or had a big importance to me. I just know that I'm out of shape for water polo. I haven't been to practice since Monday. Tomorrow will be interesting when I go. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day, which I hope you all took the time to acknowledge and perhaps celebrate. G'night all...
~BB
Wow, what a weekend. After everything that I've gone through, I just need to learn from it and move on. I'm not going to smoke anymore for the time being. All it does it just fuck me up and get me in trouble, especially during my water polo season. As far as drinking goes, it's been a big issue in my family knowing that my mom was an alcoholic and died from it. I don't want to end up like that so I just need to be more aware of what I'm doing and if it's smart. I'm not saying that I'm not going to drink anymore, I just need to have my limits.
It's kind of been bothering me how people come up to me or IM me asking why I'm not acting sad about my mom passing away. I am deeply hurt by what has happened and changed in my life, but I'm not about to isolate myself from everyone and cry until I can't anymore. I'm not that kind of person to let life pass me by while I just sit around. Don't get me wrong though, I let myself out at the service as I saw all of the people that were there for her and supported me and my family. It was tough to get through because I was so emotionally effected, along with many others that were there. Her life just passed by way too fast. I've had to cope with what has happened knowing that it was out of my hands. It was weird though that I coincidentally talked to my mom the night before she died... I didn't talk to her since winter break before that last conversation. I love my mom very much and dedicate this day to her as it is Mother Day. I'm missing her a lot right now.
Oh man, I haven't done any homework this past week, but to be honest it really hasn't really crossed my mind or had a big importance to me. I just know that I'm out of shape for water polo. I haven't been to practice since Monday. Tomorrow will be interesting when I go. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day, which I hope you all took the time to acknowledge and perhaps celebrate. G'night all...
~BB
It's kind of been bothering me how people come up to me or IM me asking why I'm not acting sad about my mom passing away. I am deeply hurt by what has happened and changed in my life, but I'm not about to isolate myself from everyone and cry until I can't anymore. I'm not that kind of person to let life pass me by while I just sit around. Don't get me wrong though, I let myself out at the service as I saw all of the people that were there for her and supported me and my family. It was tough to get through because I was so emotionally effected, along with many others that were there. Her life just passed by way too fast. I've had to cope with what has happened knowing that it was out of my hands. It was weird though that I coincidentally talked to my mom the night before she died... I didn't talk to her since winter break before that last conversation. I love my mom very much and dedicate this day to her as it is Mother Day. I'm missing her a lot right now.
Oh man, I haven't done any homework this past week, but to be honest it really hasn't really crossed my mind or had a big importance to me. I just know that I'm out of shape for water polo. I haven't been to practice since Monday. Tomorrow will be interesting when I go. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's Day, which I hope you all took the time to acknowledge and perhaps celebrate. G'night all...
~BB
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Oh man... Where to begin....
This week has been tough to get through and it will effect the rest of my life. Last Monday was a normal day for me. I went to school, came home and got ready for water polo practice. Before I could though, my dad comes running in the house all shook up. He starts to cry and was at a loss for words. My first thought was that my grandma had died. She has been going through very rough times lately and I'm so proud she's made it through for this long. So I ask him, "Is it grandma?" He shakes his head and quickly he replies, "It's your mom girls, I'm so sorry." At first, I didn't know what to say since it came at such a surprise. I really thought my mother was getting back on track and she still had many years ahead of her. She was so young, but her decisions that she made shortened her life more than anyone knew, even herself. I started crying because that was the only thing I could do or feel. I didn't see it coming at all though. I talked to my mom the night before. She was very loving and was anxious to see me for my graduation. It just didn't make sense to me. The rest of the week went by with more ease. This past year and a half, my mom has barely been in my life because I've tried to stay ignorant and away from the person she had become and I grew to not like. I still loved her very much, and looking back, I wish I had more opportunities to spend time with her or at least talk to her. Instead, I know she was hurting since she couldn't see her daughters every day like she used to. I know that she's not hurting anymore though now that she's in a better place, it's just me that's hurting now.
Thursday morning, my sister, dad and I flew down to Minnesota to be there for my mom's funeral. It was nice seeing everyone and being in my home town after so long. The next day, Friday, was the service for my mom. During the day, we gathered pictures of her and put it together in two big displays so people could remember her. It was a nice day spending it with my family and of course the greatest friend in the world, Christine. I know she had lost her mom too about a two years ago, and I was there for her so it was nice that she was there for me, along with my other great friends who came to the service: Casey, Becky, Liz, Jimmy, Care (Claire ha ha), and Carples. Thank you so much for your support, and of course to everyone else! It's nice to have people here in Washington that are here for me as well. I really appreciate your care and understanding. I just hope the teachers at school will too...
Well, I'm about to get my long hair cut and hopefully it turns out alright! More to say later...
~BB
This week has been tough to get through and it will effect the rest of my life. Last Monday was a normal day for me. I went to school, came home and got ready for water polo practice. Before I could though, my dad comes running in the house all shook up. He starts to cry and was at a loss for words. My first thought was that my grandma had died. She has been going through very rough times lately and I'm so proud she's made it through for this long. So I ask him, "Is it grandma?" He shakes his head and quickly he replies, "It's your mom girls, I'm so sorry." At first, I didn't know what to say since it came at such a surprise. I really thought my mother was getting back on track and she still had many years ahead of her. She was so young, but her decisions that she made shortened her life more than anyone knew, even herself. I started crying because that was the only thing I could do or feel. I didn't see it coming at all though. I talked to my mom the night before. She was very loving and was anxious to see me for my graduation. It just didn't make sense to me. The rest of the week went by with more ease. This past year and a half, my mom has barely been in my life because I've tried to stay ignorant and away from the person she had become and I grew to not like. I still loved her very much, and looking back, I wish I had more opportunities to spend time with her or at least talk to her. Instead, I know she was hurting since she couldn't see her daughters every day like she used to. I know that she's not hurting anymore though now that she's in a better place, it's just me that's hurting now.
Thursday morning, my sister, dad and I flew down to Minnesota to be there for my mom's funeral. It was nice seeing everyone and being in my home town after so long. The next day, Friday, was the service for my mom. During the day, we gathered pictures of her and put it together in two big displays so people could remember her. It was a nice day spending it with my family and of course the greatest friend in the world, Christine. I know she had lost her mom too about a two years ago, and I was there for her so it was nice that she was there for me, along with my other great friends who came to the service: Casey, Becky, Liz, Jimmy, Care (Claire ha ha), and Carples. Thank you so much for your support, and of course to everyone else! It's nice to have people here in Washington that are here for me as well. I really appreciate your care and understanding. I just hope the teachers at school will too...
Well, I'm about to get my long hair cut and hopefully it turns out alright! More to say later...
~BB
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Alright well things just haven't been going my way lately.... at all. First of all, I got caught on Monday for smoking from my step mom. She was appalled to even think that I did that kind of stuff... oops. I know it may mean nothing now, but I really have to stop smoking that stuff... except for on special occasions.
Anyway, I guess that incident brought on her fierce words that she spit on me tonight. After having a calm conversation about where I'm at as far as school goes and making the right decisions, I go downstairs and keep my peace. However, my sister brings the drama as my parents get more upset. My step mom comes downstairs and starts off by saying to me, "you know what? I have a great idea. Why don't you and your sister both just move out and live with your step dad. That will make everything better ... but since you won't do that anyway, I'm leaving." She goes on by saying that this past year has been hell for her and she thinks I might have a mental problem because I drink and sometimes smoke. Oh and I lied to her, well didn't tell her the whole truth one night and she uses it against me. She even told me that she's not paying for any of my college so I mind as well go to BCC. I mean I might have considered that if I didn't go through the whole college application process! Then she goes on by saying, "And I've tried my best being a mother and giving you clothes, but you just disrespect me anyway...." blah blah... Not ONCE have I done a mother-daughter type of thing with her, unless you count visiting WWU. But it's been almost a year and a half and I've had a relationship with her where she just enforces her rules and I end up getting more of her yelling and bitching at me. I've tried to play her game, but I can see that she tries to control me, my sister, even my dad WAY too much. I've heard too many nasty words from her to be able to love her anymore. I don't feel anything from her right now except for her bringing my life down and miserable. I wish I could say something nice about her but she really doesn't deserve it, she isn't even my mother to begin with.
Then my dad... poor thing I truly care for him because I know that he really just wants to make things work out. He gets frustrated at me sometimes over simple things like rolling my eyes or having an "attitude," but he's always sympathetic when I need him most. After I told my dad that my step mom caught me coming home high, he just started laughing and took the situation lightly. Now, I can see he took some of Heather's words in and is coming down on it. But, besides all of that, he gives me rides whenever I need them almost every time, he supplies me with money and a cell phone. He's always wanting to go to a movie with me so I know that he's trying to be the real parent. That's why I respect him and love him.
Ahhh ... My life just feels like a wreck right now. I am so lost on what exactly I'm going to do in a few months. It just feels like I need to do so many things and then I get the stress from my parents, as well as school and water polo. I have to complete and turn in the rest of my community service hours, I need to get a job soon and start making my own money, I have AP tests coming up next week, along with school that's kickin my ass right now. I just feel lost and a bit unloved right now. My sister is pissed at me for some stupid reason and my step mom hates me right now so I guess I've just gotten piled up with all this shit and I need to start emptying it all out.
The only thing that's really been helping me get through a lot of this shit is water polo. I'm beginning to love this sport and become a really good player. I guess it's sort of therapeutic for me because I'm able to let my frustration and anger out and learn how to deal with it by swimming and staying in shape. We just had a game today, and my cute swim coach broke his watch because he was so excited from the shot I made in the goal. I was pretty happy about that. I guess water polo just helps me forget about all my worries and things that have been bringing me down to be a better player in the pool.
I guess writing in here helps me out a lot too. So does sleeping....... better get my sleep in for the night.
~BB
Anyway, I guess that incident brought on her fierce words that she spit on me tonight. After having a calm conversation about where I'm at as far as school goes and making the right decisions, I go downstairs and keep my peace. However, my sister brings the drama as my parents get more upset. My step mom comes downstairs and starts off by saying to me, "you know what? I have a great idea. Why don't you and your sister both just move out and live with your step dad. That will make everything better ... but since you won't do that anyway, I'm leaving." She goes on by saying that this past year has been hell for her and she thinks I might have a mental problem because I drink and sometimes smoke. Oh and I lied to her, well didn't tell her the whole truth one night and she uses it against me. She even told me that she's not paying for any of my college so I mind as well go to BCC. I mean I might have considered that if I didn't go through the whole college application process! Then she goes on by saying, "And I've tried my best being a mother and giving you clothes, but you just disrespect me anyway...." blah blah... Not ONCE have I done a mother-daughter type of thing with her, unless you count visiting WWU. But it's been almost a year and a half and I've had a relationship with her where she just enforces her rules and I end up getting more of her yelling and bitching at me. I've tried to play her game, but I can see that she tries to control me, my sister, even my dad WAY too much. I've heard too many nasty words from her to be able to love her anymore. I don't feel anything from her right now except for her bringing my life down and miserable. I wish I could say something nice about her but she really doesn't deserve it, she isn't even my mother to begin with.
Then my dad... poor thing I truly care for him because I know that he really just wants to make things work out. He gets frustrated at me sometimes over simple things like rolling my eyes or having an "attitude," but he's always sympathetic when I need him most. After I told my dad that my step mom caught me coming home high, he just started laughing and took the situation lightly. Now, I can see he took some of Heather's words in and is coming down on it. But, besides all of that, he gives me rides whenever I need them almost every time, he supplies me with money and a cell phone. He's always wanting to go to a movie with me so I know that he's trying to be the real parent. That's why I respect him and love him.
Ahhh ... My life just feels like a wreck right now. I am so lost on what exactly I'm going to do in a few months. It just feels like I need to do so many things and then I get the stress from my parents, as well as school and water polo. I have to complete and turn in the rest of my community service hours, I need to get a job soon and start making my own money, I have AP tests coming up next week, along with school that's kickin my ass right now. I just feel lost and a bit unloved right now. My sister is pissed at me for some stupid reason and my step mom hates me right now so I guess I've just gotten piled up with all this shit and I need to start emptying it all out.
The only thing that's really been helping me get through a lot of this shit is water polo. I'm beginning to love this sport and become a really good player. I guess it's sort of therapeutic for me because I'm able to let my frustration and anger out and learn how to deal with it by swimming and staying in shape. We just had a game today, and my cute swim coach broke his watch because he was so excited from the shot I made in the goal. I was pretty happy about that. I guess water polo just helps me forget about all my worries and things that have been bringing me down to be a better player in the pool.
I guess writing in here helps me out a lot too. So does sleeping....... better get my sleep in for the night.
~BB
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Ahhh this weekend was insane. After a brutal and exciting game on friday night for water polo, I cleaned up and kicked it with homies on the kirkland strip. That night I got piss drunk and I was passed out until 7:30 the next morning! I just crept in the house and walked quietly to my bedroom where I could change and pretend like I was sleeping in my bed the whole night. An hour later I have to go to a fundraiser for polo. funnn... I didn't feel quite to good from the night before and I was pulling weeds early the next morning... not so cool. Anyway, After all that fun stuff, I get ready and kick it with a few peeps and get blazed before the night starts. Later, I go to this party in redmond. The kid having it was hella weird but the house was chill. I was having an awesome time until a fight broke out between two people I'm chill with. grrr but then after that deal of running around after leaving the house in redmond, some of us go kick it at slim's house. Didn't come home until about 5:30 the next morning.
So, I thought I would have to have told my step mom where I was going and when I was coming home, but I didn't neither nights, and came home at an incredibly late time. She seemed pretty nice about it too. No questions, no guilt, no worries I guess. Wow I like my dad being gone sometimes because I'm getting a whole lot of freedom. When I'm 18 in less than a month I hope it will get better though.
Today, I woke up late since I went to bed late. I cleaned up, and then went out for the rest of the day to go kick it at clyde beach for a little bit and then dollar's house for a little as well. Once again, it's another weekend of not even touching my backpack.
Back to that game on friday. My coach said that this last water polo game we had on friday was one of the most entertaining games he's seen. The game went into double-overtime and they ended up winning. I know, tragic. We should have definitely won this game though. I know this because we didn't follow through with some of the shots we made when we should have. I wanted it so badly though that night. The coach was like, "Watch for mikaela, she seems to be the one with the most energy tonight." Maybe the smoke session unlfluenced me alittle, but I was really in the zone to the point where I'm was going to give my complete all in order to win this game. It's a shame we didn't win, but I know we will soon be a very strong team and will be able to beat them at state no doubt.
Alright well I guess I should maybe see what homework I should cram to do in between classes tomorrow since I forgot completely about what I have to do for h dub with this crazy weekend ... alright have a great night to start the week off good!
~BB
So, I thought I would have to have told my step mom where I was going and when I was coming home, but I didn't neither nights, and came home at an incredibly late time. She seemed pretty nice about it too. No questions, no guilt, no worries I guess. Wow I like my dad being gone sometimes because I'm getting a whole lot of freedom. When I'm 18 in less than a month I hope it will get better though.
Today, I woke up late since I went to bed late. I cleaned up, and then went out for the rest of the day to go kick it at clyde beach for a little bit and then dollar's house for a little as well. Once again, it's another weekend of not even touching my backpack.
Back to that game on friday. My coach said that this last water polo game we had on friday was one of the most entertaining games he's seen. The game went into double-overtime and they ended up winning. I know, tragic. We should have definitely won this game though. I know this because we didn't follow through with some of the shots we made when we should have. I wanted it so badly though that night. The coach was like, "Watch for mikaela, she seems to be the one with the most energy tonight." Maybe the smoke session unlfluenced me alittle, but I was really in the zone to the point where I'm was going to give my complete all in order to win this game. It's a shame we didn't win, but I know we will soon be a very strong team and will be able to beat them at state no doubt.
Alright well I guess I should maybe see what homework I should cram to do in between classes tomorrow since I forgot completely about what I have to do for h dub with this crazy weekend ... alright have a great night to start the week off good!
~BB
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Alright ... So when I think the whole situation with my sister and the threatening and Tyler thing was over ... Apparently she still has grudges over me as some of you have read her profile. It really hurt me to see that because through this whole thing, I've been trying to stick up for my little sister and put people straight if they believed a rumor about her. She doesn't recognize this though and basically just thinks that I'm saying shit about her. I just don't understand how she can get so hateful towards me and I'm just trying to back her up. It's sad too because I've lived with her all her life and it's about to end in less than 5 months. I guess there's nothing I can really do about it at this point. All I know is that I'll always have a heart for my sister. She's just immature and naive at this age to the point where she doesn't give a shit about someone of her own blood. What she said in her profile hit me hard so I'm just trying to avoid her right now. I can't talk to her when she's trying to hurt me and use me. Not anymore though... Maybe I'm just trippin about something little, but it's hard when I see her every day.
Anyway, 4/20... Good times had my fun... I actually missed my practice to go chief! And I lied to my parents saying that I was going to practice... risky deal but it seemed to have worked. I felt not at ease though when my coach asked me if I had that day didn't have anything to do with not being at practice and I said "no" ... I hate the person I'm turning into. I don't know it's just not me to lie and cheat to be able to do what I wanted. I mean I could WHATEVER I wanted to in MN without the guilt but it's really taken it's turn here.
AHH and I feel like there is this gap in my life too. I was talking to one of my good friends and she has been going through rough times lately and was like "If my boyfriend wasn't there for me through everything, I don't think I would have made it." I don't have that, haven't ever really had that, but I know I have good friends to talk to and help get me through rough times... I guess it's just hard when I can't relate to someone. All I know is that, I'm waiting for that person to step up to the plate and take a swing and shoot for home... lol I'm such a nerd... I didn't know how to put it any other way, but you get my jiff.
Today was a joke basically for going to school. As most of you already know, but for some of you who don't, this week is messed up since 9th and 10th graders take test in the AM and I get to sleep in! So today I went to school at 10:40, went to photo and then signed out for the rest of the day to take my dad to the airport, which he will be staying in NY with my brother for the weekend to Monday. It's nice not having two heads controlling the house, but I still have my step mom on my back. She's easier as a parent though because she's naive and doesn't check up on me as much. So I guess I have it easier. After school, I made cookies for my polo team before the game against Newport. We lost but should have won. I think a lot of us were more focused on the players we were guarding because their team is really aggressive and can be sneaky and pull bitch moves at some points so I guess it was just hard to focus on the game itself. Plus the fact that the sun was glaring at the pool and it came to be hard to see. But we have a game tomorrow though at 7:45... pretty late, but I guess this game will determine if we go to state or not. If we lose, we will HAVE to spend a weekend trying to qualify for state by competing with other teams. So tomorrow will be a big day, but we still have a chance if we lose.
Well, I guess I better go pick my darling sister up from her practice... What a joy...
Feeling: alone... lonely... empty... overworked... mixed in with soreness ha ha
Have a good night everyone
~BB
Anyway, 4/20... Good times had my fun... I actually missed my practice to go chief! And I lied to my parents saying that I was going to practice... risky deal but it seemed to have worked. I felt not at ease though when my coach asked me if I had that day didn't have anything to do with not being at practice and I said "no" ... I hate the person I'm turning into. I don't know it's just not me to lie and cheat to be able to do what I wanted. I mean I could WHATEVER I wanted to in MN without the guilt but it's really taken it's turn here.
AHH and I feel like there is this gap in my life too. I was talking to one of my good friends and she has been going through rough times lately and was like "If my boyfriend wasn't there for me through everything, I don't think I would have made it." I don't have that, haven't ever really had that, but I know I have good friends to talk to and help get me through rough times... I guess it's just hard when I can't relate to someone. All I know is that, I'm waiting for that person to step up to the plate and take a swing and shoot for home... lol I'm such a nerd... I didn't know how to put it any other way, but you get my jiff.
Today was a joke basically for going to school. As most of you already know, but for some of you who don't, this week is messed up since 9th and 10th graders take test in the AM and I get to sleep in! So today I went to school at 10:40, went to photo and then signed out for the rest of the day to take my dad to the airport, which he will be staying in NY with my brother for the weekend to Monday. It's nice not having two heads controlling the house, but I still have my step mom on my back. She's easier as a parent though because she's naive and doesn't check up on me as much. So I guess I have it easier. After school, I made cookies for my polo team before the game against Newport. We lost but should have won. I think a lot of us were more focused on the players we were guarding because their team is really aggressive and can be sneaky and pull bitch moves at some points so I guess it was just hard to focus on the game itself. Plus the fact that the sun was glaring at the pool and it came to be hard to see. But we have a game tomorrow though at 7:45... pretty late, but I guess this game will determine if we go to state or not. If we lose, we will HAVE to spend a weekend trying to qualify for state by competing with other teams. So tomorrow will be a big day, but we still have a chance if we lose.
Well, I guess I better go pick my darling sister up from her practice... What a joy...
Feeling: alone... lonely... empty... overworked... mixed in with soreness ha ha
Have a good night everyone
~BB
Monday, April 19, 2004
Oh wow... Like I said on Thursday... Spring break just FLEW by. It's felt like I've been through a weekend but I've actually been through a week and 2 weekends. Shit ... It's been fun though. It's just hard because I sort of have this crush and it's always hard for me to get through it. This one just seems especially hard when it's just hard talking to the person because I know I like them and I think they know that too. I just don't know if they feel the same way so I'm not really doing anything about how I feel at this point. Basically, I just wait and see if they're noticeably attracted to me so I can decide at that point whether I like them or not. But just starting from the bottom and not knowing where it's going to go is just not my specialty I guess and it fuckin suckkks. But I guess if he isn't attracted to me or just doesn't like me then I just don't see the point in trying. I need SOMETHING to work with here!
Shit... I can't think about it too much or I'll just get sad knowing that I can't even approach him. ha ha it feels like I haven't done anything that I said I was going to do over break. Save a seat at WSU and get residency, get the rest of my community service, getting a job, get laid... yep none of that. It was like I woke up, ate, went out, came home late and ate, and slept and then did it all the next day. No time in this fucking world anymore... oh man though I'm just waiting for this summer where I don't have to worry about SHIT! Senior year has been coming on so hard though. I'm just trying to let it pass by without worry but I just end up having angry parents on my back and grades slipping so it makes me feel worse. I just need to start getting my shit together and do what I am supposed to do, which isn't exactly what I want to do. Wooow I've never really was like this with school until my senior year because back then I didn't do half the stuff I do now but I just felt TOO guilty if I didn't get what I was supposed to get done. These days I still feel guilty but I kick it with people a lot more so I just set my guilt aside until it starts building up like it is right now, that's when parents start nagging and grades start slipping. Damn I hope this is making sense. This is just where I am at right now. Last quarter of senior year... man this will be the truth coming up of what I HAVE to do.
Man I'm tired and out of words to say so see you all tomorrow when we're back in reality.... SCHOOL!
~BB
Shit... I can't think about it too much or I'll just get sad knowing that I can't even approach him. ha ha it feels like I haven't done anything that I said I was going to do over break. Save a seat at WSU and get residency, get the rest of my community service, getting a job, get laid... yep none of that. It was like I woke up, ate, went out, came home late and ate, and slept and then did it all the next day. No time in this fucking world anymore... oh man though I'm just waiting for this summer where I don't have to worry about SHIT! Senior year has been coming on so hard though. I'm just trying to let it pass by without worry but I just end up having angry parents on my back and grades slipping so it makes me feel worse. I just need to start getting my shit together and do what I am supposed to do, which isn't exactly what I want to do. Wooow I've never really was like this with school until my senior year because back then I didn't do half the stuff I do now but I just felt TOO guilty if I didn't get what I was supposed to get done. These days I still feel guilty but I kick it with people a lot more so I just set my guilt aside until it starts building up like it is right now, that's when parents start nagging and grades start slipping. Damn I hope this is making sense. This is just where I am at right now. Last quarter of senior year... man this will be the truth coming up of what I HAVE to do.
Man I'm tired and out of words to say so see you all tomorrow when we're back in reality.... SCHOOL!
~BB
Thursday, April 15, 2004
ohhh man this whole spring break has been going by sooo fast! It's Thursday already and it feels like I just got on break. But it's been a lot of fun just kickin it every day and night and getting tipsy... oh man what a rush though. Last night was some filthy shit.. People planning how to ditch people going to this party because there was SO many people there already. I got there and had my share of fun then the cops showed up. Most of the people bounced even though nothing really happened, like the cop just said to keep it down and kick people out so it was all chill. I didn't get home until HELLA late ... My dad wanted me home at like 12 but I didn't actually show up until 3 ... It was chill though because I didn't get in any trouble... I don't think he knew what time I came back.. Which is definitely good. I guess I'm just slick like that in sneaking in and out of my house... Not to mention that it's too easy to pass up.
My break has been even better not having my step mom around. It's been hard to talk or just spend time with her. After she blew up at me and said some pretty heavy words, she may have not meant to be so mean but it really got to me. I just don't like being disrespected so badly from someone of the family. So I've just been neutral with her and let my dad do more of the parenting. I mean it is my fault for lying to them, but the only reason I did was because they don't agree with the things I do and lying seems to be the only way out. I know if I have to lie to someone we're not on the best relationship but at this point with my step mom, I really don't care that much unless she started healing the scars she made. I've been trying to be more honest though, but I still have to lie to them. Well I just say that I'm not about to be locked up in this house for telling my parents the truth about my life so I'm just living it day by day, being extra careful with them. I gotta have fun though right? shit live life to the fullest....
Alright well I guess I should be getting ready to leave this house because I don't like staying in it too long when I could be having more fun. Basically I just want to be able to have this house as a shelter for sleeping and eating ... The basics... I don't ask for muuch...
Have a great Thursday everyone... I know I'm gonna because it's SPRING BREAK!
~BB
My break has been even better not having my step mom around. It's been hard to talk or just spend time with her. After she blew up at me and said some pretty heavy words, she may have not meant to be so mean but it really got to me. I just don't like being disrespected so badly from someone of the family. So I've just been neutral with her and let my dad do more of the parenting. I mean it is my fault for lying to them, but the only reason I did was because they don't agree with the things I do and lying seems to be the only way out. I know if I have to lie to someone we're not on the best relationship but at this point with my step mom, I really don't care that much unless she started healing the scars she made. I've been trying to be more honest though, but I still have to lie to them. Well I just say that I'm not about to be locked up in this house for telling my parents the truth about my life so I'm just living it day by day, being extra careful with them. I gotta have fun though right? shit live life to the fullest....
Alright well I guess I should be getting ready to leave this house because I don't like staying in it too long when I could be having more fun. Basically I just want to be able to have this house as a shelter for sleeping and eating ... The basics... I don't ask for muuch...
Have a great Thursday everyone... I know I'm gonna because it's SPRING BREAK!
~BB
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
This Wednesday, hump day, hasn't been too bad for me. First of all, my parents and I, EVEN MY SISTER, are getting along pretty well which is very hard for me to come by these days, especially all at once so this has been a thrill for me to get through every day, well at least today.
School was good. Not really any homework and it was an early release today so that was chill for sure. Except for Walters because she has this thing with giving homework EVERY fuckin day... whatever though I BS that shit all the time. Oh! I almost forgot that I got out of going to Walter's today because I was saved by a WSU rep that was at our school and wanted to talk to potentially future WSU students! Yep, I'm going there ... I just don't see myself going to western and plus I want to be in a sorority so it works out. Plus WSU has a kick ass pool and that's always good considering that the pool has been my second home these days.
I had a Water polo game today and we definitely kicked some major ass. And I even scored our team 3 points which was definitely invigorating and made meh feel all good ha ha.
After all that good stuff, I had some time to go shopping and got alot of new stuff. Now, I know it might not be the same for you boys but getting new clothes for us girls made me feel even better today. So I guess God decided to give me a break today from all the stress and drama. We'll see how it goes tomorrow...
DAMN... My dad is kickin off my internet access... well it's ok my night is still good! Hope you all had a GREAT HUMP DAY!
OH! Almost forgot... mdub23balla: lol gimme a shout out in thurr
miki birdy 04: ha ha aiight fasho .... So there ya go Marcus! You're hella chill.. we should kick it sometime ;) (if that's alright with my sister ha ha! jk)
~BB
School was good. Not really any homework and it was an early release today so that was chill for sure. Except for Walters because she has this thing with giving homework EVERY fuckin day... whatever though I BS that shit all the time. Oh! I almost forgot that I got out of going to Walter's today because I was saved by a WSU rep that was at our school and wanted to talk to potentially future WSU students! Yep, I'm going there ... I just don't see myself going to western and plus I want to be in a sorority so it works out. Plus WSU has a kick ass pool and that's always good considering that the pool has been my second home these days.
I had a Water polo game today and we definitely kicked some major ass. And I even scored our team 3 points which was definitely invigorating and made meh feel all good ha ha.
After all that good stuff, I had some time to go shopping and got alot of new stuff. Now, I know it might not be the same for you boys but getting new clothes for us girls made me feel even better today. So I guess God decided to give me a break today from all the stress and drama. We'll see how it goes tomorrow...
DAMN... My dad is kickin off my internet access... well it's ok my night is still good! Hope you all had a GREAT HUMP DAY!
OH! Almost forgot... mdub23balla: lol gimme a shout out in thurr
miki birdy 04: ha ha aiight fasho .... So there ya go Marcus! You're hella chill.. we should kick it sometime ;) (if that's alright with my sister ha ha! jk)
~BB
Sunday, April 04, 2004
So I've definitely had a better weekend for once! I mean after my parents finding out that I lied to them and kept me locked up in this house for 2 weeks (well... not saying that I snuck out a little), I really was sincere about things getting better for me and them in the future. My dad was like, "so do you think she's still grounded or semi-grounded?" and my step mom was like "well I think she knows now that she learned her lesson and can make the right decisions so I would let her decide on that." What my step mom said made me feel like I actually did have some control over my life and that definitely made my weekend complete. So did I learn my lesson? Well, considering that I snuck out on Saturday night and I lied to my parents that I went shopping when really I drank it up and kicked it, I really do think I've learned my lesson... BE MORE CAREFUL! I just really don't want to have it bad with my parents right now so I'm just trying to be good for them so telling them the truth wouldn't be the best I don't think.
AHHH! I MOST DEFINITELY want to give a shout out to my girl, CHRISTINE, back in MN though because it's her 18 BIRTHDAY! woot woot... that means only a month and 20 days fo meh. Damn I cannot wait... But I love you stine you're mah girl.
As for college, I'm pretty much set to WSU... I'm pretty excited about that fasho... I'll be seeing a lot of familiar faces there so that'll be tight for sure.
Anywho... I NEED to get a fuckin JOB and make some money because I hate depending on these parents of mine and I just want to have it. It's a good feeling and I miss it... So if any of you fellow readers have anything in mind for jobs contact me.
Well I better get going on my homework... Even though I'm not going to get that far since its like what... 11pm already! Daylight savings time changes suck...
~BB
AHHH! I MOST DEFINITELY want to give a shout out to my girl, CHRISTINE, back in MN though because it's her 18 BIRTHDAY! woot woot... that means only a month and 20 days fo meh. Damn I cannot wait... But I love you stine you're mah girl.
As for college, I'm pretty much set to WSU... I'm pretty excited about that fasho... I'll be seeing a lot of familiar faces there so that'll be tight for sure.
Anywho... I NEED to get a fuckin JOB and make some money because I hate depending on these parents of mine and I just want to have it. It's a good feeling and I miss it... So if any of you fellow readers have anything in mind for jobs contact me.
Well I better get going on my homework... Even though I'm not going to get that far since its like what... 11pm already! Daylight savings time changes suck...
~BB
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Alright so apparently I'm STILL grounded because I haven't talked to my step mom about lying. grr I've wanted to talk to her but I'm always to worn out after practice and she doesn't usually get home until 8 or 9 anyway and when she is home she's on the phone or falls asleep early. SO really I just haven't had the opportunity to talk to her. Plus I guess I'm kind of intimidated to talk to her but I know she doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me until I do talk to her about me lying. Whatever though, I don't think my parents would let me out anyway because I have so many restrictions I have to abide by. I feel like my life is so controlled right now that I can't even make ANY of my own decisions these days. I've been thinking alot about just leaving and seeing what happens. I know I'm under 18, so if the police were involved I would be busted but once I turn 18 in may, how can they stop me then? If I just leave, it's not like they can be like "you're grounded" because there is no legal issues in the way anymore and they really don't have custody of me. The only thing I would feel bad about is that they are my home and that's the house I come back to that they provide me with. What I really want to do is rent an apartment for the summer with other people and not have to worry, but I wouldn't know who to ask and the money issue always seems to be a problem. That's another thing I don't like, depending on my parents for money and driving their car. I hate having that because I know they can always use that against me. I've decided to try and get a job as soon as I possible can so I can start gaining some currency in my name, not theirs.
AHH... it seems like I want to do soo much this summer but in order to do it I have to make some money. Like I want to go to Minnesota for at least two weeks, I really want to visit my good friend, sonia, in cali because I haven't seen that girl in so long and I've known her the longest out of all of my friendships (3rd grade baby!), I want to go to Oregon alot and visit my family there, oh and New York because my brother really wants me to see him. Dang, I really need to start saving money...
I just don't want to be here for the summer. I've been here long enough to where my parents can't stand me and think they can lock me up from everyone. I'm so sick of it and they need to know that I am going to have the same situations to deal with in college. They can't prevent it now when I'm about to be 18 and how of this hell hole. I just wish they could let me go and trust me on making the right decisions.
Whatever... right now I'm just trying to get by and do as they say. All I can say is that I won't be able to put up with it for much longer...
~BB
AHH... it seems like I want to do soo much this summer but in order to do it I have to make some money. Like I want to go to Minnesota for at least two weeks, I really want to visit my good friend, sonia, in cali because I haven't seen that girl in so long and I've known her the longest out of all of my friendships (3rd grade baby!), I want to go to Oregon alot and visit my family there, oh and New York because my brother really wants me to see him. Dang, I really need to start saving money...
I just don't want to be here for the summer. I've been here long enough to where my parents can't stand me and think they can lock me up from everyone. I'm so sick of it and they need to know that I am going to have the same situations to deal with in college. They can't prevent it now when I'm about to be 18 and how of this hell hole. I just wish they could let me go and trust me on making the right decisions.
Whatever... right now I'm just trying to get by and do as they say. All I can say is that I won't be able to put up with it for much longer...
~BB
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
mmmk ... I don't even know where to begin. Things just seem to get worse and worse for me even though I keep thinking I'm at my worst point. Whatever though... There's gotta be an end to this madness. So what am I talking about ... well let's just say this weekend was a killer to get through. I was actually looking forward in going to school. So as this is my second weekend of being grounded, I stayed home like a good girl and end up STILL getting in trouble. I really don't want to go through it because I don't want to have to mention names and whatnot but I can explain it personally if you ask. Let's just say that I lied to my parents and they found out. I got this whooole shpeeel on how lying is the worst someone can do and it's just better to tell the truth. And it just seemed like this whole day I was getting these signs on telling the truth. Like in speech today, a girl gave a speech on how people that lie is her biggest pet peeve. Another is how I've listened to that Hillary Duff song "come clean" like at least 3 times today. If you've listened to the words, it fits with this situation. SOOO I confessed to my dad that I lied and so now I have to go to the big "H" factor and say that I lied... I hate doing that SO much it's the worst thing for me to confess.
Not to mention how this weekend COMPLETELY SUCKED for water polo. We played five games this weekend and lost every one of them. Part of the reason is that we had about half of our good players present, another is that we're learning new stuff with our new coach and haven't completely applied it to the game, and another would be that we are just inexperienced as a whole and its only the beginning of the season. I know we'll get better though, maybe not as quick as Friday when we'll have to play against Mercer Island. Yep definitely not going to win ::knock on wood:: but I know we learn something every game we play so it will be a good experience.
Also today I went on a field trip to a waste water plant over in Renton and that was definitely a terrible and raunchy experience to go through. Seriously, I think it's WRONG to take students to a field trip to a waste water treatment place where we get to see where our "organic materials" end up and go through. Seriously though, everyone there HAD to plug their nose or else they would have to deal with the most sickening and disgusting smell that filled the area, of course much worst in some areas.
Other than that, I haven't been up to too much since I'm still grounded. I guess my dad knows that I've snuck out before... hmm maybe because I told him I wanted to stay home from school the next morning. He said he was almost certain that I was hungover, but REALLY I haven't been actually drunk since mid-winter break. So I guess this means he thought I was fibbing to him that day of when I was actually sick. That's sad... I really need to build up this trust with my parents. But really though, they need to understand that I'm GOING to drink in college and maybe go out on school nights sometimes. If that's the way I choose to live, ESPECIALLY at this age of nearly being an ADULT, then why can't he accept that? I think he just wants to see me do the right thing until he let's me go loose and out on my own. So somehow, I need to figure out how I'm going to prove this to him that I can make the right decisions. From now on, I just need to be more straight up and honest with him. That's the only way he will let me do anything in this world, even if he has to say no some or most of the time. Enough with this though for now.
I'm still in my swim suit from practice so I better get a bizzouncin ... Tuesdays suck.
~BB
Not to mention how this weekend COMPLETELY SUCKED for water polo. We played five games this weekend and lost every one of them. Part of the reason is that we had about half of our good players present, another is that we're learning new stuff with our new coach and haven't completely applied it to the game, and another would be that we are just inexperienced as a whole and its only the beginning of the season. I know we'll get better though, maybe not as quick as Friday when we'll have to play against Mercer Island. Yep definitely not going to win ::knock on wood:: but I know we learn something every game we play so it will be a good experience.
Also today I went on a field trip to a waste water plant over in Renton and that was definitely a terrible and raunchy experience to go through. Seriously, I think it's WRONG to take students to a field trip to a waste water treatment place where we get to see where our "organic materials" end up and go through. Seriously though, everyone there HAD to plug their nose or else they would have to deal with the most sickening and disgusting smell that filled the area, of course much worst in some areas.
Other than that, I haven't been up to too much since I'm still grounded. I guess my dad knows that I've snuck out before... hmm maybe because I told him I wanted to stay home from school the next morning. He said he was almost certain that I was hungover, but REALLY I haven't been actually drunk since mid-winter break. So I guess this means he thought I was fibbing to him that day of when I was actually sick. That's sad... I really need to build up this trust with my parents. But really though, they need to understand that I'm GOING to drink in college and maybe go out on school nights sometimes. If that's the way I choose to live, ESPECIALLY at this age of nearly being an ADULT, then why can't he accept that? I think he just wants to see me do the right thing until he let's me go loose and out on my own. So somehow, I need to figure out how I'm going to prove this to him that I can make the right decisions. From now on, I just need to be more straight up and honest with him. That's the only way he will let me do anything in this world, even if he has to say no some or most of the time. Enough with this though for now.
I'm still in my swim suit from practice so I better get a bizzouncin ... Tuesdays suck.
~BB
Sunday, March 28, 2004
AHHH where to begin...
ok I guess I'll start with friday. Since I'm grounded, I decided not to sneak out that night because of several reasons: getting yelled at by parents, parents showing up wondering and worrying about their kid, people getting fucked over from the po... the one reason I want to explain is just being yelled at by my step mom. She said basically everything you could say to hurt someone and after hearing what she said, I completely look at her differently. If my dad wasn't there to support me, I probably would have tried to move out, just live somewhere else because I can't take what she said to me. Now, of course, she's trying to be all nice and forget everything she told me but I can't let her get away with it and forget it myself too. I guess you're all probably wondering what exactly she said to me, and if you're really interested I'll go more into it if you ask.
ok I guess I'll start with friday. Since I'm grounded, I decided not to sneak out that night because of several reasons: getting yelled at by parents, parents showing up wondering and worrying about their kid, people getting fucked over from the po... the one reason I want to explain is just being yelled at by my step mom. She said basically everything you could say to hurt someone and after hearing what she said, I completely look at her differently. If my dad wasn't there to support me, I probably would have tried to move out, just live somewhere else because I can't take what she said to me. Now, of course, she's trying to be all nice and forget everything she told me but I can't let her get away with it and forget it myself too. I guess you're all probably wondering what exactly she said to me, and if you're really interested I'll go more into it if you ask.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
yeahhhh... That whole having people over on Thursday before my step mom got home didn't work out well at all. I decided to not skip practice that day so I told my sister that she had to be careful and watch everyone there. An hour and a half later, I come home and realize things have gotten out of hand, so after I shower and do my best to clean up. My sister has to go to practice so I didn't have time to clean everything. OF course during that time, my step mom comes home and notices everything and ultimately we end up being grounded for TWO WEEKS! I've never really been grounded since I've been here. This really is going to suck just finding rides home from school, going out on the weekends, just being able to go out whenever I wanted... two weeks. Definitely wasn't worth it for me. At least I still get to go to water polo though.
On Friday, I had a water polo game, the first of this season, and we definitely creamed Roosevelt. Other than that, I was a good kid and followed the rules of being GROUNDED, which killed to follow. Well, does Sunday count as part of the weekend? I kinda snuck out that night woops. This time I made sure I didn't or couldn't get caught though, thank the LORD I didn't. It's just hard though, how am I supposed to learn my lesson when they lock me up? How can I prove to them that I learned my lesson? Whatever, who knows what their methods are. All I know is that I'm about to leave all this shit within the next 6 months so no worries. I'm not going to let them take away my life and enjoyment. I just know that I have to make the most of my life and being locked up won't stop meh. CARPE DIEM for those of you who know what I'm talkin bout!
This week starting off has been alright. It's REALLY sucked for me not being able drive to school, or use the car period, ESPECIALLY since my dad has been out-of-town so obviously he's not using it. GRRR, It's been frustrating for me lately. Today, however, has been different. Not only is Wednesday an early release from school, but I happened to come across my CAR KEYS that my step mom took from me! This is definitely a sign for me to go out at least for a little bit so I can enjoy the steering wheel while sitting in the leather seat taking in the AC, as I push the gas peddle. Speaking of, I better go get to it before my step mom gets home. AHH I hope I don't dig myself a DEEPER whole .. that would completely SUCK badly.
I forgot to mention that I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my father long distance last night. It was probably on the top of the list of conversations that I have had with him, or anyone for that matter. He just seemed so understanding and it wasn't like I was trying to get myself out of grounding at all, but I think I might have talked him into letting me go out this Saturday if my step mom agrees. I have to act my best though, so I better get my cruise on if I don't want to get caught! Oh wow, I'm so bad it's ridiculous. CARPE DIEM though, seriously. It's the only thing I know and probably the most I've gotten from going to school.
Seize the day everyone! It's hump day remember...
~BB
On Friday, I had a water polo game, the first of this season, and we definitely creamed Roosevelt. Other than that, I was a good kid and followed the rules of being GROUNDED, which killed to follow. Well, does Sunday count as part of the weekend? I kinda snuck out that night woops. This time I made sure I didn't or couldn't get caught though, thank the LORD I didn't. It's just hard though, how am I supposed to learn my lesson when they lock me up? How can I prove to them that I learned my lesson? Whatever, who knows what their methods are. All I know is that I'm about to leave all this shit within the next 6 months so no worries. I'm not going to let them take away my life and enjoyment. I just know that I have to make the most of my life and being locked up won't stop meh. CARPE DIEM for those of you who know what I'm talkin bout!
This week starting off has been alright. It's REALLY sucked for me not being able drive to school, or use the car period, ESPECIALLY since my dad has been out-of-town so obviously he's not using it. GRRR, It's been frustrating for me lately. Today, however, has been different. Not only is Wednesday an early release from school, but I happened to come across my CAR KEYS that my step mom took from me! This is definitely a sign for me to go out at least for a little bit so I can enjoy the steering wheel while sitting in the leather seat taking in the AC, as I push the gas peddle. Speaking of, I better go get to it before my step mom gets home. AHH I hope I don't dig myself a DEEPER whole .. that would completely SUCK badly.
I forgot to mention that I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my father long distance last night. It was probably on the top of the list of conversations that I have had with him, or anyone for that matter. He just seemed so understanding and it wasn't like I was trying to get myself out of grounding at all, but I think I might have talked him into letting me go out this Saturday if my step mom agrees. I have to act my best though, so I better get my cruise on if I don't want to get caught! Oh wow, I'm so bad it's ridiculous. CARPE DIEM though, seriously. It's the only thing I know and probably the most I've gotten from going to school.
Seize the day everyone! It's hump day remember...
~BB
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Oh wow ... I haven't even started my homework and it's already 10:45! It's ok though, I made good use of my time having my fun for hump day (Wednesday is the day where you get over half, or the hump, of the week ;) or St. Patrick's Day, as other people would call this fine day. Actually the weather wasn't too pretty today but that has no effects really on me so whatev. AHH I skipped practice AGAIN today! I don't feel as guilty though because my dad was chill about it even though I wasn't home to show him that I had "allergies," well I really did, but I probably could have swam with me being like this. It was well worth it though.
After the whole fun day, I come home around 8:30, I know WAY TOO SOON but then again it's a school night, and I talk to these really nice ladies that give me a lot of insight about UW and WSU and the sororities there. I thought it was very beneficial to hear what they had to say about their experiences at the college they went to so I was able to get a clearer idea of what my top two colleges are all about. I still have no clue where I want to go though.
After that meeting, I talked to a great friend who also gave me, as well as I did for him, good insight about dancing. It was interesting to hear what someone of the opposite sex thinks about dancing, specifically getting hard when a girl is dancing with you. Ha ha I know that some girls don't like the fact that a guy is really getting off on you, but maybe that's because they aren't attracted to them that way, or they just are foreign to a guy's body parts. Some girls like it though because it gives you a sign that you're dancing good enough to turn a guy on and it's definitely reassuring that they guy is attracted to you, maybe as much as you are to them. But beside that point, I think just dancing should be brought out more. It's definitely an easy way to get close with someone. Otherwise, if everything is just still then it's all focused more on every movement and it's more intimidating to make the first move. Plus, dancing is like another way of communication, other than just talking or writing.
Alright, enough talk - time for some cram homework time. (even though I'm not going to half of my classes tomorrow because I get to take my dad to the airport, which he'll be LONG GONE for 5 whole days, so hopefully I can get a little bit of party at mi casa before the step mom arrives later in the night.
Have a GREAT Wednesday HUMP day and St. Patrick's day everyone!
~BB
After the whole fun day, I come home around 8:30, I know WAY TOO SOON but then again it's a school night, and I talk to these really nice ladies that give me a lot of insight about UW and WSU and the sororities there. I thought it was very beneficial to hear what they had to say about their experiences at the college they went to so I was able to get a clearer idea of what my top two colleges are all about. I still have no clue where I want to go though.
After that meeting, I talked to a great friend who also gave me, as well as I did for him, good insight about dancing. It was interesting to hear what someone of the opposite sex thinks about dancing, specifically getting hard when a girl is dancing with you. Ha ha I know that some girls don't like the fact that a guy is really getting off on you, but maybe that's because they aren't attracted to them that way, or they just are foreign to a guy's body parts. Some girls like it though because it gives you a sign that you're dancing good enough to turn a guy on and it's definitely reassuring that they guy is attracted to you, maybe as much as you are to them. But beside that point, I think just dancing should be brought out more. It's definitely an easy way to get close with someone. Otherwise, if everything is just still then it's all focused more on every movement and it's more intimidating to make the first move. Plus, dancing is like another way of communication, other than just talking or writing.
Alright, enough talk - time for some cram homework time. (even though I'm not going to half of my classes tomorrow because I get to take my dad to the airport, which he'll be LONG GONE for 5 whole days, so hopefully I can get a little bit of party at mi casa before the step mom arrives later in the night.
Have a GREAT Wednesday HUMP day and St. Patrick's day everyone!
~BB
Monday, March 15, 2004
This weekend was ok ... I always end up driving ALOT so I think I'm going to let up on that and hitch those rides. I had my fun I guess, but I felt bad when I completely forgot that I had pictures with my polo team and missed it. I went to practice today though and no one said anything ... Thank god.
So, it's kind of weird right now with my parents being the way they are. I thought that I was about to get the big punishment and no trust and their complete disappointment from what they caught me from last week, but things haven't really been like that at all. Last weekend, I had the car all night and I was out late, and my dad wasn't pissed like usual. Hmmm.. I don't know if its that I'm about to be 18 in a couple months or they're just too lazy to enforce rules, but I'm not fretting about it obviously. My parents have actually been more on my sister's ass which safe guards me from getting in trouble. It's definitely going to be nice that my dad will be out of town starting thurs-tues. Even though my step-mom will be home, well not really, I can still get by with a lot more.
Life hasn't been treating me so good in some departments though. For example, my ALLERGIES just kicked in, and they did hard. Every spring, I get the WORST case of allergies. Thank god it clears up by the end of spring though. It's just a bitch to get through.
The remainder of my life right now has just been going by I guess. Nothing is really new, but I want to be able to do different things, go different places, see different things, meet new people, embrace new experiences ... you get my flow. I guess I'm just really ready to go to college, or maybe there is something missing in my life right now. Whatever it is though, I'm going to search for it. It just gets a little difficult when I have school and sports in the way ... oh and my laziness.
Speaking of college, I guess I can still get accepted by UW. All I have to do is write a quick letter explaining my situation. Jeez ... this college stuff is really getting on me though. After going through all this work, I sure as hell hope I get accepted to everywhere I applied for, otherwise it can be devastating. I'm not going to worry about though. As Calv puts it: "Hakuna mafuckintada" -no fuckin worries.
hmmm.... That's all for now. It feels like I still have more to say, but I guess there will be other times for that, plus I'm getting tired. Have a good Monday night. Oh and just a side note, I know Mondays might be repetitive or ordinary, so don't make it that way! Go out and do something for you, not the teachers or the parents ... hakuna mafuckintada ;)
~BB
So, it's kind of weird right now with my parents being the way they are. I thought that I was about to get the big punishment and no trust and their complete disappointment from what they caught me from last week, but things haven't really been like that at all. Last weekend, I had the car all night and I was out late, and my dad wasn't pissed like usual. Hmmm.. I don't know if its that I'm about to be 18 in a couple months or they're just too lazy to enforce rules, but I'm not fretting about it obviously. My parents have actually been more on my sister's ass which safe guards me from getting in trouble. It's definitely going to be nice that my dad will be out of town starting thurs-tues. Even though my step-mom will be home, well not really, I can still get by with a lot more.
Life hasn't been treating me so good in some departments though. For example, my ALLERGIES just kicked in, and they did hard. Every spring, I get the WORST case of allergies. Thank god it clears up by the end of spring though. It's just a bitch to get through.
The remainder of my life right now has just been going by I guess. Nothing is really new, but I want to be able to do different things, go different places, see different things, meet new people, embrace new experiences ... you get my flow. I guess I'm just really ready to go to college, or maybe there is something missing in my life right now. Whatever it is though, I'm going to search for it. It just gets a little difficult when I have school and sports in the way ... oh and my laziness.
Speaking of college, I guess I can still get accepted by UW. All I have to do is write a quick letter explaining my situation. Jeez ... this college stuff is really getting on me though. After going through all this work, I sure as hell hope I get accepted to everywhere I applied for, otherwise it can be devastating. I'm not going to worry about though. As Calv puts it: "Hakuna mafuckintada" -no fuckin worries.
hmmm.... That's all for now. It feels like I still have more to say, but I guess there will be other times for that, plus I'm getting tired. Have a good Monday night. Oh and just a side note, I know Mondays might be repetitive or ordinary, so don't make it that way! Go out and do something for you, not the teachers or the parents ... hakuna mafuckintada ;)
~BB
Thursday, March 11, 2004
JEEZ I don't have that many good things to say in my blog .. I'm sorry for that but it just seems like the bad stuff hits me a lot harder. Like my dad caught ME AGAIN! wtf I know sad story too. I really don't want to go through it but yeah my sister invites a guy here to sneak in... So he comes downstairs and my parents are still up and my sister left me with him. So I thought it would be safe for me to bring him in my room and then like 10 minutes later my dad walks in on me! He's like "you're busted" not only did he get me AGAIN within less than a week, but he was so frustrated that he told my step mom and now she knows too! My dad doesn't want me to know that though because he said it would be between me and him .. but I overheard him talking to her about it so I'm fucked basically. Why am I so retarded sometimes? My life is just wacko right now.
Also the fact that I basically only have guy friends that I hang out with now, that makes my life a little more wacko. Well not really, I don't mind it, I just don't know what it is between me and girls but I just can't get along with them as well as with guys I guess. And that's fine with me as long as I know that I have friends to count on and be there. Thanks to all you bois in my life... you're the homies straight up. And the few girls that are out there for me ... most in MN but much love for you all to!
Another messed up occurrence in my day was when I got the message for UW saying that they didn't receive my test scores! What a crock I knew that I sent them. But the fact of the matter is that, they cannot accept my admission into UW for this term. I really wanted to see if I got accepted! I guess this was an easy way for them to deny my application. AHH! I'm about to call them and tell them that they're wrong no doubt. grr .. but if that's all true, I guess it narrows down my decisions on what college to go to and makes it easier for me to decide. I think I'm leaning on the WSU side though... my mind was meant to be there ha ha.
Well, today seemed to go by pretty fast! Maybe because I didn't go to school ... It was fun today with my other fellow skipping friends. I should get to my homework ... probably catch up but have a great Thursday night and tomorrow is FRIDAY so no worries fasho.
~BB
Also the fact that I basically only have guy friends that I hang out with now, that makes my life a little more wacko. Well not really, I don't mind it, I just don't know what it is between me and girls but I just can't get along with them as well as with guys I guess. And that's fine with me as long as I know that I have friends to count on and be there. Thanks to all you bois in my life... you're the homies straight up. And the few girls that are out there for me ... most in MN but much love for you all to!
Another messed up occurrence in my day was when I got the message for UW saying that they didn't receive my test scores! What a crock I knew that I sent them. But the fact of the matter is that, they cannot accept my admission into UW for this term. I really wanted to see if I got accepted! I guess this was an easy way for them to deny my application. AHH! I'm about to call them and tell them that they're wrong no doubt. grr .. but if that's all true, I guess it narrows down my decisions on what college to go to and makes it easier for me to decide. I think I'm leaning on the WSU side though... my mind was meant to be there ha ha.
Well, today seemed to go by pretty fast! Maybe because I didn't go to school ... It was fun today with my other fellow skipping friends. I should get to my homework ... probably catch up but have a great Thursday night and tomorrow is FRIDAY so no worries fasho.
~BB
Monday, March 08, 2004
OH what a weekend ...
Let's just say that I did have my fun but I wasn't careful enough. Sunday I snuck out and that wasn't a problem, even taking the car, but the fact that I took a little bit of my dad's medicine, some alc, everything go twisted over. Obviously, he was wondering where it was the next day, as I stayed home from school because of my "allergies," so I knew I had to tell him. I know that I'm not in that much trouble because he wont tell my step mom, which is an absolute relief, but he's seeming to be pretty stern about the whole situation. It will be nice though because this weekend my step mom is going out of town and the following weekend my dad is leaving for 5 days! That means I have really nothing to worry about besides my step mom being home. It will be a good break, but I know my dad will be sketchy on leaving me for that long since he still has a little anger left in him. At first he didn't want me with the car at all, but since that's about 90% of how I get to places, he knew that would weigh down his day so I hope he's letting up on that. As for next weekend, I might be on the lock down ... but that's impossible for me to do anyway, so I'll be sneakin out. JEEZ it seems like the more I get in trouble, the more rebellious I am.
It's kind of sad though, my dad thinks I'm turning into an alcoholic. This scares him because he knows that I'm only in highschool and there is going to be a lot more of it in college, which is why he's rethinking of me going. I'm not going to let him not let me go though... I've already gotten accepted into two colleges, and it was a lot of work getting there.
Alright, time to go to practice! YAY I get to drive.
Have a great Monday.
~BB
Let's just say that I did have my fun but I wasn't careful enough. Sunday I snuck out and that wasn't a problem, even taking the car, but the fact that I took a little bit of my dad's medicine, some alc, everything go twisted over. Obviously, he was wondering where it was the next day, as I stayed home from school because of my "allergies," so I knew I had to tell him. I know that I'm not in that much trouble because he wont tell my step mom, which is an absolute relief, but he's seeming to be pretty stern about the whole situation. It will be nice though because this weekend my step mom is going out of town and the following weekend my dad is leaving for 5 days! That means I have really nothing to worry about besides my step mom being home. It will be a good break, but I know my dad will be sketchy on leaving me for that long since he still has a little anger left in him. At first he didn't want me with the car at all, but since that's about 90% of how I get to places, he knew that would weigh down his day so I hope he's letting up on that. As for next weekend, I might be on the lock down ... but that's impossible for me to do anyway, so I'll be sneakin out. JEEZ it seems like the more I get in trouble, the more rebellious I am.
It's kind of sad though, my dad thinks I'm turning into an alcoholic. This scares him because he knows that I'm only in highschool and there is going to be a lot more of it in college, which is why he's rethinking of me going. I'm not going to let him not let me go though... I've already gotten accepted into two colleges, and it was a lot of work getting there.
Alright, time to go to practice! YAY I get to drive.
Have a great Monday.
~BB
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Ok so it's really late, but don't worry I took a nap ... the problem is I'm not getting tired at all so I thought I would try getting tired by writing one of these blogs. Today, nothing too exciting happened. It's tuesday though what do you expect? I got to skip 7th period today because my dad needed the car so I got home early and took a nap as soon as I could before going to practice. And yep, things are same old same old with that. I'm still incredibly sore, I'm still out-of-shape, and I'm still late to practice because I resent to go at the moment. I think that will change though, once I get faster of course.
Since I've started to swim again, I noticed that I still got those bad habits of all my swim stuff sprawled out on the floor, and my parents HATE that, especially during the middle of the week for my step-mom. She is always stressed out and claims to have a "hard" day, I know she probably has though with her class of 30 1st graders, but I do too and it's probably more than she knows. Well, I guess my laziness in not pickin up after myself right after swimming kind of through her off, so I had to deal with her lecture for a good portion of my day. I hate it though when they talk to you as if you're a child. It's like I'm leaving to be on my own, away from you in a few short months, so either try to make these last experiences of living with you memorable and happy or leave meh be. I've heard though that parents take a dramatic change either when you turn 18 or when you move out, and I will be getting to both of those thankfully soon.
Aright, this is getting rediculously late on a tuesday night, so I'm gonna hit the sheets and hope for the best in the morning. sweet dreams
song quote: "Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long."
~BB
Since I've started to swim again, I noticed that I still got those bad habits of all my swim stuff sprawled out on the floor, and my parents HATE that, especially during the middle of the week for my step-mom. She is always stressed out and claims to have a "hard" day, I know she probably has though with her class of 30 1st graders, but I do too and it's probably more than she knows. Well, I guess my laziness in not pickin up after myself right after swimming kind of through her off, so I had to deal with her lecture for a good portion of my day. I hate it though when they talk to you as if you're a child. It's like I'm leaving to be on my own, away from you in a few short months, so either try to make these last experiences of living with you memorable and happy or leave meh be. I've heard though that parents take a dramatic change either when you turn 18 or when you move out, and I will be getting to both of those thankfully soon.
Aright, this is getting rediculously late on a tuesday night, so I'm gonna hit the sheets and hope for the best in the morning. sweet dreams
song quote: "Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long."
~BB
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