Never lend money to friends

New rule of thumb for me. I feel like a monster, like that angry landlord lady that wears the rollers in her hair with her night gown during the day time. Or like the sad monkey that was the the only one out of the bunch who didn't get a banana and had to watch all the other monkeys enjoy theirs right in front of him! I feel like the nice guy that went for the girl when she ended going for the a$$hole. I feel like a tall person in China. haha so... my point. I've been hounding my friends for the money that they have owed me for almost a year now. I'm sick of it and I can't stop thinking about it. It's practically ruined our close friendship! Not saying that there are other factors... They just don't get it. They're off saving money for trips and buying new I-phones and I'm sitting here wanting to rip my fucking hair out because it's like they don't even care. GREWAWER!! (yay I just made up a new word!)

It's not just the fact that they owe me money either. It's how they are dealing with it. They put it off and put it off when they know I want my money back. I don't know if I should annoy the shit out of them or just straight up befriend them and give up. I'm over it... I want them to respect me. Give me a date... stop walking all over me. Make me feel like I have loyal and reliable friends. But nope, this whole thing is driving all of us further and further apart like they don't care. In order to salvage what our friendship had they really need to pay me back. I want to become close with them like I once was but at the same time, why would I want to continue to be friends with these girls who have put me off and don't respect me? All I see on their faces is dollar signs!! It's frustrating and I hate it. I don't want to spend any further time thinking about it. I just think it's rude they way they are dealing with it... not once have they gone to me and said "hey mik, I know it's been a while since I've owed you money. I plan on paying you back though!! Here's how I plan on doing it "___" and I will pay by (this) date. I'm sorry I've put such a burden on you. I know you could really use the money bud"

If they said that to me every week, I wouldn't blow up like this but instead they let it boil up to the point where one little thing will just set me off! grrr... I'm tense. Frustrated. I need to let some steam out now... HELLO gym.

JBay's

A place where you can take your family on a pleasant and peaceful dinner with excellent service.. oh and did I mention those "hot chicks!" Man, they sure do know how to make theirs tips with such a "sausage fest!"

I just read a few reviews of this new bar I work at. It kind of left me with a sour taste. Every restaurant presents an image to display and set an environment for the patrons so that they know what they are coming into. You can go to the Purple Cafe and taste great wine and enjoy an intimate dinner as the piano plays, with the staff dressed very plain and simple. You can go to a dive bar, such as Bishops and play music on the jute box, while playing pool or throwing darts with a casually dressed bar staff. You can go to Joey's where you can enjoy fine dining or watch sports in the lounge with a formally dressed cocktail waitressing staff. Or you can go to a small bar in Juanita called JBay's where the upscale atmosphere and an upbeat environment is mixed in with a very attractive wait staff that won't only just serve you but genuinely get to you know as well. Yeah sometime we slip in a shot or two but it ultimately makes working fun and exciting, especially for returning patrons. Now, I've been all over southern California, and taking shots with paying customers while working is a norm. I saw it happen all time, almost in every bar I went to. I thought to myself, "If I were to do that in any of my other waitressing jobs in WA I would have gotten fired on the spot for it." So finally landing a job where I can do that was very shocking, but made it such a fun time to work as well. I'm not trying to justify drinking on the job, but if customers are paying for you to take a shot with them, why not a one or two in a night? As long as you continue to do your job without sounding or looking drunk, I say WHY NOT. What's the harm people? One review came out recently and here is what it said:

"As much as I would like to say good things about this place, I can't! I use to go there all the time before this "reopening". I will say this they have dramatically improved the interior ascetic of the place. It's very nice compared to the great dive bar it once was. I would say the food is still great, if I can remember right the menu seems to be almost the same, with a couple of additions. I will say this too, the servers in there very short and tight attire do a wonderful job of taking care of the guests. which also makes this place a complete "sausage fest"! Guys you know what I am talking about. The problem I have with this place is a big one, I am no dummy as to what goes on, especially right in front of my table. There are certain transaction taking place right in the middle of the bar and constant trips to the bathrooms in this bar. Owners going behind the bar and helping them selves to liquor and pouring their own drinks and doing it quite often I might add that, and the staff doing there fair share of shots as well. Everyone knows everyone there, so I give this place 6 months before it goes down, and they wonder where all the booze went. This place could have been great!"

This guy really had some sort of a jealousy issue to start bashing at the place the way he did. Everyone knows everyone? Ok, so are you just the outsider that feels like he doesn't fit in so that it's ok that you can post dirt on a new place? Get real here. No one wants to hear your sob story about how you think the attractive wait staff and owners that hang out with their friends at the bar (which I don't see anything wrong with) is such a bad thing. And the shady transactions at the bar? That's just pushing the envelope WAY too far. I've never seen that happen since I've worked there and I know no one that works at JBay's would be stupid and pathetic enough to do drug deals at the bar... Thats absolutely ridiculous. And are you stalking people by watching how many times they go to the bathroom? "he was just in the bathroom a half hour ago, you think he's doing something shady?" Sounds like a recovering drug addict and socially challenged individual we're dealing with! Agh, I needed to get that out.

As much as I stand up for JBay's, I do find it alittle superficial but it's worth dealing with when there are always nights where there is a packed house and an perpetual amount of fun floating in the air.

Pondering moment.

It's funny how life works sometimes.

For so long I never saw the world around me; I just saw myself in it. I would be right in that moment, but I would never take a step outside of it and see it for what it's worth. I now look at all my experiences and the pasts I have created with random people and nod my head. I'm satisfied with them, but not anxious to make more of it anymore I guess. I suppose I'm just looking, or maybe limited to what I really want in my life, whatever that may be. Life was so simple at one point for me, and then one day it turned. I no longer had that close-knit group of friends. Life just kept moving, as much as I wanted it to just freeze in that one moment. I've had so many experiences like that. I never wanted it to end. But now I know that all good things must end. I am alone from start to finish, no matter how much I wish to repent against it. I am essentially nothing, with the possibility of anything and everything I want to be. I hate to be deputy downer, but that's the reality of it, right? Naturally, I always wanted to forget that factor and fixate myself in another situation so that I can freeze in that moment of contentment, but reality always has its' ways and always crashes down on me. As I realize that, I crave for a new experience to brighten my day. Something to take me away and give depth and value for what my life is worth. I'm not saying that it has to be someone, but maybe something. A new start, a new path, a new direction, a new life could do just fine. However, a single person could just do the trick. I suppose the word I'm looking for is stability. I love the thought of being a team, and knowing that we're all not in this alone, as much as I know it's so true. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

sigh... time to sleep.

Staying strong in 2009

As my head is banging like a wood pecker to a tree, my throat is sore like I've been choked, and my body is randomly aching everywhere like someone is poking a needle in a doll and I'm facing the reprocutions, I write.

I hate to write only negative notes which seems to be the trend these days, so I'll try to be positive in this one.

Life recently hasn't been all that bad. I'm finally getting myself back on my feet [despite being flu-like at the present moment] and I'm finding myself around people that I really enjoy for who they are. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but for a time it seemed like I was around people that didn't help me grow as a person and influence me positively. So that's good. I guess a new year calls for a new beginning, a page turned, a new life.

I look back on my california trip, and recall the differences in my life it has brought. For one, I now am alittle more grown up. I now can define myself in a new way, since afterall it did bring out another side of me. I saw how life can really be so simple if you let it. I learned how to just be, and be content with knowing that. I figured out, even further, what I am looking for. And I finally had the courage to say goodbye to some of my friends. Well, it's easier typed than done of course. Being away, creating distance from people that were constantly in your life is what I meant. The funny thing is, now that I'm home I still don't really see them all as much. A group that was so close-knit, always going out together and causing chaos is now broken. It's like they knew I didn't just physically distance myself from them, but mentally as well. That is definitely evident. And all the while, nothing really was even said. Just felt. I gotta say, I have never felt so good being alone.

People are funny beings... I thought I needed to be surrounded by them at every waking moment, which don't get me wrong, I do still surround myself around people alot. Just not as often, mostly for work purposes. Who do I gotta impress anyway? I am perfectly fine being alone. Away from any kind of hurt a person could bear upon me. You know, the kind of hurt that only supports anguish, resentment, regrets, vulnerability, dependency, distrust, drama, distress, complications, etc. I'm not saying that this could all change. I just don't expect or crave anything anymore. I just let it happen when it happens, I've decided. Whether people want to be in my life or not, I'm just going to live it the best way I know how. Cheers to 2009! Man, I hope this year is gonna be avengeful...

Write more later after this sickness subsides.

Unfulfillment leaking through.

I find myself screaming in the inside alot, mostly out of frustration. Sometimes I just wish things and people just came to me without all the stupid games and obstacles you have to go through in order to figure it out. I have noticed I have a "f-it" personality right now. Not that I meant to have it, it just came naturally. It seems like the right thing to do is so hard to find, and the wrong thing to do is written everywhere. It's so easy to make a mistake than to make someone proud. My personality has been so vulnerable throughout the last couple years. I was bound to fall into those deviant, wrong-willed tendencies that society has handed to me on a platter. I have so many dreams and I am always thinking of something to make of myself, but how do I make that next step? I want to do it right so bad, but I'm so foriegn to the knowledge of getting there. I think I just called myself dumb, but unfortunately that may be the case.

I WANT TO SCREAM SO HARD!!! I want to rip my hair out and flip the bird to the world. I'm going crazier by the minute. I can feel it under my fingertips. I just want to be ME but I feel like it's practically impossible with the life I've set up for myself. I know I'm different than everyone I surround myself with. I think I'm finding out now that they're not just as different than everyone else. In fact, they're all the same. I'm the black sheep that doesn't know it's way right? Why couldn't i have just been a bear, or perhaps a cougar, maybe a wolverine? I think I would have done much better for myself in the wild.

Games... Who needs them?

I just had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine. We were discussing a trend that we've been seeing out there lately, especially with the early 20's genre out there. We started discussing how one mutual friend in particular has such low self esteem. Once a guy comes into the picture, she will get her poor head wrapped tightly around his game and appear to be defenseless, helpless, and desperate. Now I've tried to talk some sense into her but she doesn't seem to get it. She is absolutely gorgeous, yet she seems to be lacking in the brains... and that is typically how it is. The prettier you are, the more attention you get for your looks more than anything else and the lower self-esteem that follows. It is terribly sad, but it has became very true to me. I have now realized that I'm am one, damn fine sexy specimen in this world. Never did I think that was the case before but I have come to that realization with the effortless royalty treatment that I get just for being me. I liked it at first. Hell yeah, I milked it for a long time, I still do! Here is the thing, I am over it now... I see further than that. I see that guys only treated me good (buying me drinks, taking me out on dates, giving me $$ for no reason!) because I was hot. That's IT?! Naively, I somehow thought that they actually like me for ME and not just my looks... but that's just the case. I miss those innocent feelings and natural giddy highs that you get from a crush. It has all in translated in the last five years of me growing up, that most of a males incentive is to get in my pants. So what does a girl do at this stage in her life?

Well, I've tried reacting in many ways. One was becoming quite a bitch. I brushed away most guys that portrayed interest in me. I became a feminist in all ways. I trained my female friends to stay strong and on top with their relationships and not give in to their vulnerability. Unfortunately, I realized I had to give in at some point. I like men, pleasing them, making them happy with no complaints. So I found myself going down the other route. I put on my cute, innocent face and let guys pamper me. I liked it, but ultimately I knew it wasn't going to work for me. I had that one thought in my head, "they are only pampering me because they want me in their bed" ... I started feeling bad for those that invested their precious money on me, in hopes of winning the fine prize of taking me 'home,' when I had no intention of going home with them from the beginning. Terrible I am right? Well, I just played the game that was being played to me. I was only being fair and teaching lessons to dick-driven men out there.

So how am I now? I have surrendered to the game. I have lost my ambition to cause more drama than is necessary. I am now just a girl to lays it down simple and straight. I hang out with guys who are interested in me, only because I have the same feelings towards them. Treat me right, and I'll give you the time of day. However, if that special guy chooses to disappoint me, I will lost interest. That game doesn't work with me anymore like it does with some girls. You know, the game where guys think that they can be assholes because it makes women flawk to them more and go crazy. No, not me. I simply just don't care for it. I'm above it all now, and I feel like I have good control and a healthy mindset from here on out. Let's face it, I've been through some intense, intoxicating, and very strange times with the dating world. I've experienced it, and now it's time to move on to the real deal.

Thanks Johnny B for making me more of a stronger woman. Man, I feel like the comeback of Britney Spears! haha

Too bad dreams can't last forever...

It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're living the life, something or someone has to rain on your parade. At this point, I could call it out every time something good happens to me. It sucks how people have to the think in such a way that is vulgar and spiteful and completely out of jealousy. It like they want to see you fail so they and sit there and say "I told ya!" Damn those self-fulfilling prophecies!

I have spent the last 3 months in utter bliss. No drama, no familiarity, no 9 to 5. It felt so vigorating and freeing. It was great for the mind-clearers and adventure takers. I met many people with all kinds of different stories to tell. I was fascinated by the different ways of living that people endure in different areas. I was fascinated by everything. I loved to just be away, without notice really or knowing when I'd return. All I knew was that I was living in that moment and no one was going to stop me.

It'd be cooler to say I was somewhere overseas on an abandoned, tropical island, but it was just about a thousand miles away in the southern part of the land of the fortunate, CALIFORNIA. It was everything I expected it to be, because I wouldn't allow it to be anything other than that. It was the end of summer in Seattle and I wasn't ready for it to end, just yet. I went from fabulous mansion over-looking the water in San Clemente to Hermosa beach back to Newport beach where I got raped by waves, then finally to San Diego where the sun never stops shining. As fun as it was to just be taken care of in lavish houses and live by the beach that you only see in your dreams, I knew reality was somewhere around the corner. I knew my life couldn't be this easy.

Time went by as my skin got darker, and I began to devise some sort of a plan for my return. Or at least have something in mind for my future. I want to do something with my life, but I tend to get stuck in a routine where I end up just living to exist with nothing to say of myself at the end of the day. All my friends in Seattle have it different than me. They have been taken care of by their parents, like any good parent should do, but unfortunately situations don't reside the same way with me. I don't have a mother, and my father is too stingy and away to ever see that I would LOVE to have some sort of help. So what do I do? WHATEVER I WANT. =)

That mentality leads me to my next topic of discussion: my friendships with those who have it MADE. Yes, I envy the friends of mine who can rake in their parents money to pay for school, buy a car, get their own condo, go on vacations... but I'm not sitting here judging them as a human being. Why would I? They are just more fortunate than I am. I wish I had it that easy, but instead I have to work to earn the money to pay for whatever it is I choose. So after a good 5 years of working and working, I decided to give myself a break. I never thought my friends would turn on me when I returned. I soon came to that realization.

It has now been two weeks since I've been home, and I can't say that I'm all that excited to be here. I wish I had the money to go out and do it all over again, except in different places. I just love the fact that I'm alive on this earth too much to let it pass me by. My goal is to have a job where the next day is unexpected and traveling is a necessity. Because to be completely honest, most people don't like the jobs they are in and if they do, they are just too deprived in their structured, robotic lives to even understand that they are missing out. I, on the other hand, have definitely seen the other side.

When I first came home, my friends started off as playing it easy, like nothing was wrong. I was excited to be back and tell my friends about all my ventures, but it seemed like no one really seemed to care. They were so involved in their own inner circle drama that they forgot that they hadn't seen me in over two months! I was confused and slightly disappoint I must say, but I played the same game back, acting like I was interested in whatever gossip they had to say about someone they knew. I started drinking my beers at a faster pace, hoping that would help the time go by quicker. I honestly felt like I was back in fucking highschool! All the drama, all the gittyness about nothing, and all the while I'm getting drunk trying to forget it all.

It's weird when you leave somewhere and travel around and see the most exquisite things and meet the most successful people with intriguing stories to tell, and then you go back home. You pretend like it's all the same, but in reality it's totally not. I've changed. I'm afraid to tell my friends but it's true. I can already forsee it in the future. Either I'm going to get the eff out of here or I'm going to have to confront my friends at some point.

I found out later on by a more reliable friend of mine, that yes people had some words to say about me. Things like "what is she doing with her life?" and "why is she down in so cal in the first place?" or "when did she say she was even coming home??" ... "poor thing... shes a lost soul." ... "she needs to get her act together..." BLAH BLAH. I felt disgusted after I heard all of this. I started confronting my friends and no one really fessed up to it. They had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, they commended me on my ability to be so free-spirited and fortunate to be able to go on such a great vacation. Yeah right, you were just saying a load of crap a couple days ago.

I realized that alot of people that grow up in the Seattle area are surfaced. They avoid confrontation so that they can laugh and gossip about it later to their supposed friends. It's really childish actually. I wish it wasn't so two-faced, but that's what I've come to realize in this area. Oh well, right?

Well, lesson learned. Thanks assholes!

Great to be back!

=)

Where I want to be.

write write write.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder how different my life could be. I imagine myself riding a tractor through an open field with some dirty overalls and the sun blazing on my land. I imagine myself sitting next to a cozy fire in a cabin that lies on a mountain of snow. I even imagine myself in a busy city living in a studio apartment trying to make something of myself. Whatever it may be, I imagine myself being happier. Regardless of what path I choose to follow, what fun is it to do it all alone? Anything good that happens in someones life, is only that much better with someone else doing it with you along the way. I want to get up and go, but with who? Who wants to MAKE MY DAY? haha

As sad as it is to say this, since I've been having alot of fun this summer, I just don't feel the connection like I did where I used to live. I hate comparing two completely different places, but as far as people go, Minnesota has depth, value and meaning in its' soul. There are too many people that play themselves out to be such a hot shot. It's not about dating just one person anymore and having true feelings for them and NOT being afraid to express it. It's about playing all these mind games to leave the other person guessing - or rather pulling out their hair because they're so frustrated that things can't be LAID OUT like it used to be. Not only with men, girls have to always have the upper hand with their girlfriends. Either they know of all the hot spots or they have the most boys interested in them at a certain place. Girlfriends aren't your average girlfriends anymore. They're so wrapped around guys, that they gravitate themselves around the ones they're pursuing just to get more attention. They'll even break plans with their girls just to be around that special guy, who is probably dating several other girls just like her. What happened to TRUE friends and TRUE soulmates? I feel like I am the type of person that LIVES passionately through my life. I love to grab that peice of genuine innocence out of people and linger off of it. Everything else just puts an impurity to them that doesn't attract me as much.

Haha, I know I'm getting all emo with my words but that's who I am. I want something good out of my life. I realized it's really not about making money and flashing it everywhere... it's about finding true love and connection. That's where our lives have the most value.

So to put it all straight, I like this guy. He happens to be a musician - and a very talented one might I add. I've heard all these stories about him being a DB and playing girls left and right, but of course I felt like it might be different with me. However, I'm not sure that I'm correct, I feel like I'm probably being played by him. My friend comes up to me the other day and tells me that this other girl was gawking all about him and the text messages he is sending her. As much as I saw this coming, I still didn't want to have to hear that. He has taken me not only to just dinner and a movie, but we went hiking all day beforehand. And another time, he takes me out on a CANOE? with a bottle of WINE?! Tell me I'm getting played right... I just don't get his motives. If he is showing that he has an interest for me, why does it seem like he is digging himself a hole? I haven't put out. In fact, I haven't put out all summer. I'm trying to become a virgin again I guess. I guess I'm trying to prove a point to all the ladies out there, you don't NEED sex, you don't NEED a man. All you need is happiness and fulfillment. I'm trying to figure that second one out myself.

AHHHH alsdkfjasdfa,mjdsgf but I like him. Make it stop. I can never let my girlfriends, that I've kept strong and away from assholes, know these feelings of mine. So don't tell ;-)

ok.. time to buy some fucking clothes..

Oh, summer.

I have been having such an amazing summer. It's also helped me put things into perspective as well. I've gone out hiking, canoeing, biking, boating, swimming, etc. and I'm glad I've decided to build on my health, rather than destruct it. haha

One thing that is bothering me from all the fun I'm having lately, is my beloved sister. I love her to death, but I know she just can't stand me right now. I don't know how to put it right either! We both have disrespected eachother, called names, hit eachother... and it's sad that we can't just come to terms with everything and move on. Most things that piss her off are over the most pathetic things too. For example, we haven't talked in almost months because she saw one of my friends try on her black shirt that was mixed with mine in the laundry. SO WHAT? I love her and I hope one day we can be friends through all this. She's having tough times right now anyway with her on and off boyfriend and demanding job she has. She put all that on herself though. I'm making twice as much as her and I work not NEARLY as much. oh well. Not everyone is going to like you right?

One person that does though happens to be a guy I'm dating right now. This whole year I haven't found one guy that is decent enough for me and then all the sudden, I'm listening to a song at a house party, where there he is singin and playing the guitar. He's extremely talented and is probably going to go somewhere with his music. I know it's no surprise, since that's all I've seemed to date in the past

A new look

So I realized something last night and I thought I'd LAY IT OUT.

Who knows what kind of person I want to be... who knows what career I want my life revolved around. But until then, I'm going to anxiously search for it. I want change. everyday. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it anymore.

Last night was a productive night out. As the bars were winding down for the night, everyone started to make plans for the after party of course. (sometimes sundays are part of weekend too, apparently). ... ER let's back up a little bit.

I went to the bar and ran into alot of random people I knew that I never expected to be there. One was Scott Selby, former college fling for the year that I went to WSU. Crazy enough, he was there with a girl I knew and was acquainted with. She apparently had a thing for him and invited him out. That was alittle awkward.

I also ran into Phaedra while I was there. Me and her have had our differences and have parted ways in the past. Lately, we've come to terms that we're always going to be there for eachother no matter what.. Knowing that, we sat and caught up for a good time at the bars.

When it got time to leave, I went with phaedra to an after hours party, and boy were people partying there. Me and her took a step back from the partying and sat down and talked to eachother. She started telling me that she's finally putting her life in motion. She finally wants to get her degree and stop wasting her time thinking about it. I was shocked. I saw a completely transformed Phaedra. As I was telling her how happy I was for her, I started to cry. I know I get sensitive easily but I was genuinely happy for her. She is finally shooting for a goal and that is so inspiring.

As we stayed up all night talking about our futures, everyone continued to party til the sun came up. We finally got some sleep and slept into the afternoon. This whole day went by, but I feel better finally. I like having those conversations and acting upon them. So when I finally got home this afternoon, I figured I would take time to reflect on what it is that suits me best in my life. I've been taking career aptitude tests all day long trying to figure that out. I'm almost considering buying myself a package! haha, I don't care. I'm getting nutty but at least it's getting one step closer to where I ultimately want to be in life.

As for everyone else in my life, have fun going out tonight... cuz I'm not coming.

Wandering, Pondering, And GOSSIP

Girls night tonight. Gossip.. remembering the unremembered..

This weekend was full of fun.. yet still bad decisions. I'm not quite sure how to put how my weekend went. It was sort of a blur. It helped me wake up for a minute though and put my life into more perspective, hence why I'm sitting here writing. Julia spent the whole day with me just hangin out and talking about whatever. Cailey joined in on the girls day later. We talked about what most best friends talk about... boys and such. One issue I haven't let down lately is how most of my friends are conveniently in relationships while the rest are on life overload and don't have time for friends or significant others for that matter. Here I am, without either of the two winter tendencies and I'm wondering what I can do to change it. It seems like for the past few years, I have wrote different blogs don't get me wrong, but they all seem to relate to one thing: Me being lost. I realized I'm never going to think my life is complete until I go back to school. I've come to terms with that. Now I just need to get my ass into action! Please let this blog motivate me tomorrow. I want to be a better person SO BAD.

One productive thing I did this weekend involved swimming! That's right, I pulled out the old polo swimsuit and shiny silicon swim cap with my new goggles and jumped in the water for the first time since the SUMMER. Thanks Michael for your ambition to make it happen. I have put up excuses for everything bad I've done in my life, or all the good things I haven't done for that matter, and I now need to face it: I'm being a loser. No wonder I have no boyfriend. I need to get this life to start shakin. I am craving change I suppose. I'm bored with my life and I need to get some umf to change it. Hopefully, all this words won't end up biting me in the arnse.

My brother came home today and was talking about his crazy, week-long trip to Chicago, then Washington D.C., then New York, then back to Chicago. He met with billionares, shared his company with them and now has the east side of the United States ADORING him. Even the fuckin flight attendants apparently! Maybe this is where all this talk is coming from. This whole day has made me think, ponder about what my next step should be.

Maybe this time I'll figure it out, maybe I won't but no matter what... I'm sure I'll be around for another update in the near future. Ta Ta yesterday... hello to the unknown future.

Mikaela "the wandering bird"

Self Defining -> Self Expression

Who are we anyway? Isn't that the big question we ask ourselves several times throughout our lives? All I know is Who I am is the possibility of who I can become. However I may choose to do that will bring out beauty, completion, and inspiration for those around me. I turned yet another page in my life. It's a new year. Time to grow up alittle more. I want each year that comes to be better than the last. This year I want to stay focused on formulating a mixture of good productive things in my life. I want to FEEL good waking up every day. I am going to learn that 2 beers is better than 8. I am going to take one extra step to get me that much farther, even if my feet are blistering, bruised and broken. I want to show everyone who I am and what I'm all about. So move me, lift me up, take me to the sky where there's no limits... nothing less. I want it all in the palm of my hands. Is that too much to ask for??

This Saturday, TOMORROW, I'm taking the Self Expression and Leadership Program. I'm serious. I need to get my mind in gear... my brain needs to be trained for whats to come in the series of games and obstacles I like to call life. Lets go find mikaela...

OH.. new job... LUCKY STRIKE. lovin it.

Still LoST.

WOW. I just read my last blog and knew it was time to update. Since the landmark forum. I have been taking the seminar series followed after it. It's 3 hours every monday... just to keep you in check. WELL, the class has shortened to about half... and I seem to be falling off the edge myself. I'm trying to be POWERFUL with my life and find some sort of order but I realized it's not that easy.

My life lately has been nothing but a waste of time. I've been going out WAYYY to much for my own good. I keep telling myself I'll find another job the next day and end up sleeping through it because I went out the night before. I hate settling for just the satisfactory type of things, jobs, people, living conditions... I know I have AMAZING PEOPLE in my life but that isn't going to help me move forward. I know it's only up to me to succeed. A friend told me this the other day "If you think you're beat, YOU ARE. If you think you dare not, YOU DON'T. You got to think high to rise, or it's almost sure YOU WON'T." I am finding that to be more and more true the more I'm living the life I live right now. I need structure, discipline, coaching but I am so lost I can't seem to find anything. Ha haa I just saw the analogy in my head. I'm bikeriding on a trail that takes me into the woods and then I hit a twig... I fall off the trail down the hill and now I'm deep in a woody forest I can't get out of. Not to mention I'm bleeding and NEED help but I can hardly move and I don't know which direction to go to get help. So I limping, gasping, looking for ANYTHING to grab onto to get me somewhere where I can rest and be safe, but it becomes more apparent that I'm going farther and farther away from my destination, whatever it may be. I see this analogy in my life. As I fell of the trail... I made one bad move and my world falls apart. Now I'm lost... lost on what to do with my life... where to settle... what will mazimize my potential the most. And I feel like all these half ass jobs that I keep getting, are keeping me farther and farther from what I REALLY want to with my life. So I drink... go out... try to ignore the fact that I have a list of problems in my life that have been unsolved... untouched. And it just keeps getting bigger. I realize all of this and yet I keep on running from what I know I should be doing to make it right. I smile. Look pretty. Attract so many people around me to make them believe something that I'm not. Then when I go home, when I'm alone (like right now), I am ashamed. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I sometimes cry if even one person has a deep conversation about how I am doing. God, I just wish I could find a way to make it right again.

BTW, the boy I talked about before... that was short-lived. It wasn't too long before he disappointed me.

Into The Wild... Out of the ordinary

WOOO what a month it has been! I completed the Landmark Forum and the Advanced Course, which is AWESOME! I think everyone should take this class, too bad it costs so much, otherwise I would be dragging everyone I know into this place!!

Let me go into the landmark education. First you are sitting there like "who the hell is this guy and why is he telling me that he already knows what we think and who we are?" You start passing judgements to yourself that this isn't something you need and maybe its a cult or some religious thing. Then that is when the ride begins. We go through this analogy of where we see ourselves and our future now and then expanding our thoughts into this new realm of possibility! It really just resets your thought process positively. Who says you can love the life you live and that you can't be happy anyway? oh. yeah. It's YOURSELF. It's like you listen to the inner dialogue in your head as if it is yourself but it really isn't. It is actually everything you're not, but people still seem to believe that they are. The Forum rocked my world and has not changed me as a person but has changed the decisions I make or the way I see things.

Anyway, this blog can't be a blog written by Mikaela unless she had SOME sort of a boy involved! So, I have been hanging out with this guy this weekend and I seem to have this little crush on him! He took me out to see this amazing movie called Into the Wild which is a fucking powerful movie!! He put his hand on my leg at one point and it kinda got all fuzzy inside... HAHA! love it. Gosh I love these feelings coming back again! But I think I really do like this guy and I am anxious to see how it turns out!! Stay tuned.

Ok Mikaela is now about to fall asleep on the keyboard as I'm closing myeyes while talking.

UNTIL next time...

Over summer...

Well, it has been a while since I updated so I figured I was use today as an opportunity.

As of now, I'm struggling with finding the right job for me. It seems like every time I feel like I'm going in the right direction in finding the perfect job... there always seems to be a twist and becomes something I'm not into. I need to find something more. Something different. SOMETHING that can make me a living. I need a job. BAD.

I told myself I was going to wait on school for another year. I am definitely not stable enough to find peace and balance. It just sucks looking at my other friends that are my age and have everything given to them from their parents. Apartment bills, cell phone bills, new cars, going out money, paying for tuition... basically paying for their life so they don't have to worry about it. UGGHHH I will never get over that.

Today I realized what I wanted when a grow up and find my peace and balance. Wanna know? Guess you don't have a choice huh. WELL, here goes:

MIKAELA'S DREAM FUTURE

~ Get married on top of a mountain
~ Have twins with a maximum of 3-4 kids all together
~ Be able to take my family snow boarding and jet-skiing all within a close distance of where I will live
~ Have a hammock
~ And a tire swing
~ And a willow tree in the front yard
~ Build a tree fort
~ Pool and hot tub outside
~ Grow blackberry bushes and apple trees
~ Fireplace is a MUST

I know there's gotta be more... but MAN that would be a happy mikaela if that came true... OH! of course prince charming has gotta be taller than and be and handsome ;)

Speaking of men, YES I am still with Douglas.... everything seems to be going better actually. By better, I mean that things haven't really been all that great lately. Both of us are still pretty broke and I get very moody with the man. In a way I kind of feel bad but I really think he deserves it. He needs to get his butt in gear and since no one else is doing it for him, I figure I would start to take the initiative. We have kinda fought off and on for the past month up until about a week ago... I hate drama and fighting and to avoid all of that, it's even more drama to explain. For example, when he drinks I know there is going to be trouble. He gets excessive on everything... jealousy, anger, drunk and all together humiliatinggg! Not to mention, he just called me from the DMB concert and he is HAMMERED. Funny man. I have learned to get over it and at the same time act more like a girlfriend... its just kinda boring sometimes... arhgg.

Anyway, I am going out with the girls on this fine sunday night and must continue the story of my life at a later date!

Then and Now

It's late and I'm wide awake. I'm alone and there's no one else to talk to. I just started reading back on some of these posts and it really got me thinking again. Well, about one particular person. I could cry right now for all the pain and amount of time I put into this person. But I'm not. I just can't believe it's over. Allllll the waiting, suffering, anticipating, and dependence on this person has gone down the drain. Sometimes I wonder, what if everything was exactly how I imagined it. Is there more I can have with someone else? Will it weigh down on my future partners? How could anyone compare at this point? The fact of the matter is that it's in the past. No matter what situation comes next, the better or for the worse, it will be an adventure to learn from. If anything, I'm realizing what I like in men! Yeah, I loved once. It was HARD but I felt it from the tips of my fingers, down my spine, swirling in my stomach, to the tips of my toes. And to think that person is still out there, even though they deceived me and lead me to believe false interpretations. This person got to me on so many different levels that I can't be mad. I can't stop thinking about it when it was all I thought about for god knows how long. I was in the deepest of loves anyone could possibly feel and it's going to hurt looking back for the rest of my life. I wish I could take back all that time. I wish I could be directed to love the right person - but I didn't. I just went with it, without thinking twice. I guess that's what love does right? It practically blinded me from everything. Not anymore though. It's gone but for some reason I still tear up thinking about it. My heart still pounds and races just like it used to when this person came to mind.. After all this time, it has finally ended. I must go on.

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Doug's out partying right now. Usually we spend every free moment together, but today we parted ways. No reason in particular. I miss him right now. He really makes me happy. I want to love him like I once loved before. He completely supports me and he cracks me up all the time. He tells me he's in it for the long run too. He trusts me and I do the same. I LIKE him and for the first time I'm PROUD to say he's my boyfriend. I'm going to really try to make this work out with him... :-) I think I have to keep reminding myself to keep it slow and steady. Don't over-do it. I gotta make this one last. There is no one else I'd rather be with at this moment than him. He can make everything alright.

I know it's pretty lame that I'm only talking about my love life, but I really don't feel like writing anything else. That's the only thing right now that I feel the most passionate about. and to think its a GOOD thing!!

more on this later... guarunteed

BRAVO on the events of this week....

I have no motivation. I spent the whole day on my feet fulfilling my duties I have set aside for months now. It's nice knowing that it's done though. Plus I worked out so hard yesterday that my whole body is effing SORE.

You'd think I've had alot of time on my hands to conquer these projects I've made for myself. WELL, thats just it. I DO. I officially got fired from Rock Bottom yesterday. Yup, I'm finally fucking FREE for once. I've wanted to quit that place anyway. The mood everyone has going in there just makes it so hard to come in every day. Not only that, the management is so unprofessional, like when they decide to gossip about eachothers lives that they're so involved in rather than helping the restaurant run alittle smoother. Or even when the management hangs out with the staff outside of work and flaunts naked pictures of eachother!! Basically, I'm glad I'm out of there.

So for the rest of this week starting yesterday, I plan on getting all my shit done that I've set aside for god knows how long and then party my pants off until friday. THEN, Doug and I are going to visit his parents! He keeps talking it up so much now I can't wait either!! I guess they have an entirely remodeled house with a nice pool in Yakima!! I just want to do something with him rather than drink and sleep like we do most of the time we spend together. It will definitely be nice. GOD, after all the drama that happened between me and Doug (by which neither of us caused), I can say that I'm so fucking happy to be in his arms. I've gone bonkers with men lately and he is the only one that doesn't drive me completely nuts. It's really a normal relationship that we have and its so refreshing too! He's pretty much like a best friend to me, on another level of course. haha, ok I'll stop ranting about my Douglas :-)

Anywho, Pam seems to be getting better, now that she knows shes going to be behind bars eventually and she lost her kids and almost the man of her life. SHE IS SO DAMN LUCKY SHE HAS A GUY LIKE MY DAD!! He has been there for her and her children, supporting them 100%. I hope she realizes that. I'm still pissed at her. I'm not even quite sure how to approach her because I wouldn't really know what to say, at least in a nice way! Everything that shes been going through in her life recently has been negative. I don't want to be like, "so uh, how was losing your kids? you must have alooot of time on your hands now!" OR "Man, you should thank my dad for all the shit you put him through!" I REALLY WISH I COULD SAY THAT!!! I think I'll wait until she comes up to me I think. Regardless of when me and her interact, it's not going to be pretty.

alright, I'm going to pass out if I don't start moving more than just my fingers! Until next time...

TATA!

10 Minutes

I figure I would update my life and whats been going on since alot has lately. FOR ONE, I'm no longer a single lady!! I know pretty crazy right? But I found a guy that I believe can really make me happy for the time being. I say that because I don't believe any relationship I have will last until I turn 35. Speaking of age, I am now 21!! It's pretty awesome the fact that I can go anywhere and flip out my card and theres no more questioning, no more hesitation, no more YOUTH! It's funny because I have been hanging out with Doug, mah boyfriend, for about 4 months now and he really didn't come around until after I turned 21. Regardless, as far as life goes for me right now, I'm doing really well I think.

On the flip side, my dad isn't. His girlfriend went off the deep end. She now has a REALLY bad drinking problem, ironically very similar to how it was for my mother. She went to rehab for a month and craved alcohol the entire time. Now ever since she's been out she's been a raging alcoholic and a person no one really knows anymore. My dad has been just that to her kids and I'm so happy for that. The kids need parental guidance, if not from their own mother and father at least my dad can be there for them. His girlfriend got a police escort the other day to take the kids away from him and he's been sad ever since.

Anyway, I'll update on the story later, my ten minutes is up!

"Tomorrow will be different from today which was different from yesterday"

Today is Monday. Thursday is my 21st birthday and frankly, I'm terrified of it! This whole weekend is going to be carelessly stirred into a drunken, but LEGAL, act of madness. I wish my stomach could be strong enough for what it's about to endure.

In other news of my life, I seemed to have let my emotions fade and make myself more numb to situations I would normally have feelings for. For instance, doing what I want and not what I need to do to give back what others want. FOR INSTANCE, Doug. If he were to read this he would probably think I'm a nutcase, which lets face it I AM! My best friend even sees it though. She told me the other day, "You know, as much as you shouldn't be hanging out with Doug because he's a douche, I really like seeing you two together." I see the man almost every day and whenever I do, I get jittery and want to act upon what I'm imagining in my head, BUT I KNOW I can't. It's not right yet, and it can only get that way if we actually hang out one on one, talk and solidify the feelings that we want to feel with eachother. He told me the other night when we were about to pass out after a long night of drinking that he wanted to go out on a date with me. LIKE AN ACTUAL DINNER AND MOVIE DATE! I never thought he would say it after all the crap in the past we went through and talked about and agreed that dating eachother wouldn't be the right answer right now. I wanted to freak but instead I replied with a quick, "yeah? cool we should." I just hate giving up feelings for a person and not get what I want out of it, even worse them seeing how much feelings I have for them. At least I got that under control!!

ANYWAY, this last weekend I took a break from Douglas and his friends (kinda) and went off to CANADA for the first time!! I was so stoked. I am acquainted with this guy that is considered in my group of friends as the High-Maitenance, Insecure, Party-crazed Meathead! Anyway, he invited me and whoever else I wanted to bring that was a female (of course) to Canada!! His best friend is the owner of a night club in Seattle, who would be the complete opposite of him, invited him along. He then invites every girl he knows to come along, which wasn't exactly what his best friend instructed him to do. So in all actuality we really weren't that welcome but my party acquaintance sure made it seem so! He even drove us up there in his lifted, black, muscle truck he likes to show off. We get there and meet up with these guys immediately start getting ready to go out. The time comes around midnight and we finally get out to the first club. It was alright, for about the first 5 minutes and then me and my girlfriends start to get bored. We tell everyone that we were going to see what else is in Vancouver and that they were all welcome to come and they all get offended. So we blew them all off for the rest of the night and went our own way around town! Granted we couldn't get into alot of places because I guess you have to be 21 and kristen only had her temporary ID, but we DID indeed get into a few places. One of them is where we met some aussies!! It was awesome... we brought them all back to the hotel with us by the end of the night and oh boy, the guys that were paying for our room who we bailed on earlier definitely got alittle heated. We brushed it off though and partied our butts off until all hours of the night.

The NEXT morning is what BLEW. Our Aussie friends left us and so did the people that we came with to grab breakfast. Noon, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock rolls around and I start getting pissed. I seemed to have gotten angrier and angrier after every minute that went by! FINALLY they show up at 2:30 and I am ready to punch a wall. We finally get into some other dudes car because the guy we came with didn't want to leave yet and left. I was so upset I hardly talked the whole way home. The main reason why I got so upset was because I had to work that evening and I ended up being almost 3 hours late!!! Not only that, but I had not one bite of food until 6 in the evening when the fucker finally dropped us off and we drove to the first fast-food joint that we knew. That whole day sucked ass but the night before definitely kicked ass!

ANYWAY, I've been procrastinating the clean-up of my bedroom that I was supposed to dedicate the whole day for and now I only have about an hour to spend on. haha wooopsy.

later days.

m ihasdkijahsdr

TORN UP

OK.

Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.

I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....

I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!

TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!

I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!

I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.

I just don't want to.

:-(