Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man
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K, now we can begin.
THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR BURNING MAN. I'm going nuts, I think. And just when you think you are going to have everything covered and everyone will walk their talk about what they plan on doing to make our camp STAND OUT and be one of the best camps at Burning Man... It all just comes crashing down on you like broken glass shattering into pieces all around you. Well, it's not that dramatic but it's venting time...
I really was looking forward to sharing this experience with Taylor this year. Take her somewhere that she's never been; a place where she can be herself and run wild and free without a care in the world. As time got pushed closer and closer, she promised to leave the month of August open for preparation. It is now AUGUST 12th, and nothing has not been TOUCHED on her behalf except for a few hemp necklaces. Basically, the main things she said she could provide is: the 30-foot trailer we'll be sleeping in and piling alot of crap into, our BIG piece of art (eywa tree) that she had all the material for and wanted to build mostly, the dozens of outfits we plan on making to give out. And now today she tells me, "I don't know if I want to go this year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather disappear from everyone and go to the ocean." Really. The ocean. That will ALWAYS be there. Oh, life and that lemon shit. I have to realize, too, that she has deeper burdened issues that keep her from going. I just wish the timing wouldn't have been so completely off on her part.
Faraz has actually been a great sport about everything. She's totally taking over on costume making and we're now going to be meeting every day to make it all come together nicely. Oh and Snef, that girl rocks. Totally bought all the paint we need for our sign and some bluuuue and make-up for the bodies. We had a great time yesterday shoppin' around and finding little things that will make our camp even better than our vision. A guy we know is also going, and he is lending us an air brush kit! score! Even better... I met a guy at a burner picnic and he just so happened to talk around town and find me a 24ft across, 15ft high DOME! GO ME.. My brother was pretty thrilled to hear that. Speaking of, he definitely went according to planned, and bought a savage van with all the amenities to keep our burners hearts happy and less worried. He shall be gracing us with his presence in about 48 hours. phew. I need him BAD right now.
A few friends are really excited for me and want to help, including my little crush. I'm glad that he did his research about it. I think I got him in for next year, that is, if he's still around. At the present moment, I feel "meh" about him, but that's just some of my frustration in the texting games he likes to play. It's his way of coming up with witty remarks or sly (on the border rude) comments to make him sound cooler. I'm realizing he doesn't mean it and maybe that's his way of lightening, or dampering, a liking I may have towards him. You can definitely tell he was the youngest of the family bunch. For example, words like "balls", "hoes", "murkin niggas", and "cartoons" are probably the most frequent words used in his vocabulary. When we're together, I can't stop thinking about kissing him if I'm not already. I haven't felt so highschool in a while with a guy, which is why I remain "meh." What I really need to do is to let myself back up alittle. Hey! What do ya know, burning man is on the horizon and will do just the trick.
Anyway, I'm off to recharge until I get alittle bit crazier than yesterday.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Minds breaking hearts.
I try to be so many different things. I try to be this strong, undefeated superwoman that no one can hurt. I try to be a smart, witty know-it-all that no one can outsmart. I try to be a trendy, fashion-crazed rockstar that no one can out-bad ass. I try to be so many different things, you see. But what I've decided that it comes down to, is what it is that you really need from life no matter what facet of yourself you care to achieve for the day.
I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.
And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.
I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?
This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.
I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.
And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.
I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?
This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Crushed in different directions
I just read some really depressing stories and now I REALLY can't sleep.
No wonder why people can be so fucking mental. This world is full of crime, felons, heartache, cheating, lies, deceit, suffering, abuse. It hurts to know that people have hurt. It hurts to see it happen in your own life, even worse. Sometimes I'm so in love with the world I could cry, and others I'm completely disgusted I could vomit. Lately, I've just been stressed; numb from all the pain. Keeping myself busy to cloud out any other useless thoughts that flood my mind when I give a chance. It's all caught up to me tonight.
I started to realize that I've been dancing in a dream for a whole week with this guy. I've completely lost control of my feelings that seemed so nonexistent the week prior. I am blind, away from reality, and I've sunk in a euphoric sea. It's just so deep that I can't breathe and am transforming into someone else. My mind is officially blown away.
So, now that I have a chance to think, I can't stop. It's a quarter past 5 am and I now have to be up in four hours. gahhh.
What am I going to do after a month?!
And when it rains, it pours.
Here is the start of a loooong cycle of blogs. Oh life, with a cloud of love.
No wonder why people can be so fucking mental. This world is full of crime, felons, heartache, cheating, lies, deceit, suffering, abuse. It hurts to know that people have hurt. It hurts to see it happen in your own life, even worse. Sometimes I'm so in love with the world I could cry, and others I'm completely disgusted I could vomit. Lately, I've just been stressed; numb from all the pain. Keeping myself busy to cloud out any other useless thoughts that flood my mind when I give a chance. It's all caught up to me tonight.
I started to realize that I've been dancing in a dream for a whole week with this guy. I've completely lost control of my feelings that seemed so nonexistent the week prior. I am blind, away from reality, and I've sunk in a euphoric sea. It's just so deep that I can't breathe and am transforming into someone else. My mind is officially blown away.
So, now that I have a chance to think, I can't stop. It's a quarter past 5 am and I now have to be up in four hours. gahhh.
What am I going to do after a month?!
And when it rains, it pours.
Here is the start of a loooong cycle of blogs. Oh life, with a cloud of love.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Falling Awake
Sitting here
Sleepily gazing into air
Through empty dessert mountains
Tasting the voices of the wind
Everything within reach, including the sky
Alone but comforted by warmth
A glistening sunset wind
Feels like a still kiss from the past
Sitting here
Imagining my life somewhere else
Through the alpine white mountains
Next to a breathing sultry fire
Could be centuries away
You're out there somewhere
Through the Earth, into the sky
I will find you; I have already met you.
Sleepily gazing into air
Through empty dessert mountains
Tasting the voices of the wind
Everything within reach, including the sky
Alone but comforted by warmth
A glistening sunset wind
Feels like a still kiss from the past
Sitting here
Imagining my life somewhere else
Through the alpine white mountains
Next to a breathing sultry fire
Could be centuries away
You're out there somewhere
Through the Earth, into the sky
I will find you; I have already met you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Lady Who Will Have a Story to Tell.
alksdjfa,sjdhf
K now we can start!
With Burning Man three months away and AZ and Vegas on the horizon, I can't help but be spastic lately! I can't believe I'm finally doing it! And not only that, I'll be driving a new car (I'm determined to finally get one now. Finally.) and I'll be fortunate enough to see both my brothers in AZ while I'm there. I am thoroughly STOKED. More importantly, I'll be traveling and venturing off to a new chapter in my life with complete uncertainty of how it unfolds once I get there. Oh the thrill of a 24-year-old.
The other day, my sister sat me down and asked me, "What do you have to show for yourself in the last five years?" At first, I felt defensive asking her if she wants me to show her a piece of paper or a nice corporate job. If that was the case, I don't have anything to show for her. And she then said, "I know you have traveled and met many people along the way and you party at the best places but what else?" ... hah I laugh. WHAT ELSE. Well sissy, not only did I just travel and see things and meet people, I heard stories no one else can say they've done, I found out who I was in several ways, I learned how to be patient and appreciate the earth for what it's worth other than man-made things and lifestyles. I've learned how to open and simply LOVE in the purest way. I've encountered life-long connections with people from all over the world. I've learned how to use my mind to be creative and start creating a trademark for myself. More importantly, I've lived like there was no tomorrow. Do you ever ask yourself that question: have you lived to your very fullest, like there was no possible way of seeing the dawn tomorrow brings? Well, I do every.. single... day. Granted I could have pushed myself to get my degree already or creeped my way up to a decent job at this point, but I'm happy with what I am, where I am right now.
Anyway, last night with Taylor was remarkable. We sat around all afternoon making beaded hemp chokers and bracelets while watching Henry & June for the third time this week and drinking red wine and Thai food with good conversation. Then we found it in ourselves to go dancing later. We danced and danced until we had no breath. ANY THEN, my other favorite friend Dylan came to meet up and take us around the city until we sobered up enough to drive home, where all of us ended up having a big cuddle puddle. It was glorious. Even though I'm about to see my favorite DJ of all time tonight, I'm not quite sure Armin can top of what yesterday meant to me, but it's too early to tell. We'll see.
Time to get ready on one of the final nights I will spend in Seattle for a while. Cheers!
K now we can start!
With Burning Man three months away and AZ and Vegas on the horizon, I can't help but be spastic lately! I can't believe I'm finally doing it! And not only that, I'll be driving a new car (I'm determined to finally get one now. Finally.) and I'll be fortunate enough to see both my brothers in AZ while I'm there. I am thoroughly STOKED. More importantly, I'll be traveling and venturing off to a new chapter in my life with complete uncertainty of how it unfolds once I get there. Oh the thrill of a 24-year-old.
The other day, my sister sat me down and asked me, "What do you have to show for yourself in the last five years?" At first, I felt defensive asking her if she wants me to show her a piece of paper or a nice corporate job. If that was the case, I don't have anything to show for her. And she then said, "I know you have traveled and met many people along the way and you party at the best places but what else?" ... hah I laugh. WHAT ELSE. Well sissy, not only did I just travel and see things and meet people, I heard stories no one else can say they've done, I found out who I was in several ways, I learned how to be patient and appreciate the earth for what it's worth other than man-made things and lifestyles. I've learned how to open and simply LOVE in the purest way. I've encountered life-long connections with people from all over the world. I've learned how to use my mind to be creative and start creating a trademark for myself. More importantly, I've lived like there was no tomorrow. Do you ever ask yourself that question: have you lived to your very fullest, like there was no possible way of seeing the dawn tomorrow brings? Well, I do every.. single... day. Granted I could have pushed myself to get my degree already or creeped my way up to a decent job at this point, but I'm happy with what I am, where I am right now.
Anyway, last night with Taylor was remarkable. We sat around all afternoon making beaded hemp chokers and bracelets while watching Henry & June for the third time this week and drinking red wine and Thai food with good conversation. Then we found it in ourselves to go dancing later. We danced and danced until we had no breath. ANY THEN, my other favorite friend Dylan came to meet up and take us around the city until we sobered up enough to drive home, where all of us ended up having a big cuddle puddle. It was glorious. Even though I'm about to see my favorite DJ of all time tonight, I'm not quite sure Armin can top of what yesterday meant to me, but it's too early to tell. We'll see.
Time to get ready on one of the final nights I will spend in Seattle for a while. Cheers!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
System Overload
Just when I thought I had it all under control, I go into system overload.
I put in my two weeks at my job a few days back. Hellevue's hands had taken a grasp out of the purity of my free-spirited heart which acquired real, true feelings and smashed it with a bunch of egotistical, materialistic fucks, which some I've had the pleasure of working with. Basically, I need a change of scene. That place wasn't doing it for me and I had a few other things I'd rather do coming up than be tied down to this high-stress, overworking job that my life got entangled with. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss a few untainted souls that still have the dignity to continue working there, but I just couldn't. Today, I watched an outstanding movie, and later I looked up some of the memorable quotes in it and found/remembered this one:
"From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life."
— Anaïs Nin
Henry and June, what a movie to put things into perspective.
On another note, as one withers away another is blooming to life. My step grandmother passed away two weeks ago. Body was found three days later at her home and three empty half gallons of gin in the kitchen. It was not even seven months ago that my grandfather, her husband, shot himself and diminished my grandmothers' purpose in life. It was sad to hear the end of these two lives that had simply given up. The day before my sister had found out by the police, she called our grandmother to tell her she was pregnant. Little did she or anyone else know, our grandmother was long gone. Crazy how life works like that. By the way, if you just skimmed through that last statement I'll make it more clear right now by saying: MY SISTER IS PREGNANT. Holy wow. I know I'm an aunt of 5 already but my little booper butt sister is seriously pregnant and loving it. I'm freaked out scared for her since she's been having alot of life trials lately and hasn't really been 'stable' in any sense of the word. All I do know is that she will be an extraordinary mother and love that baby in every single way. Knowing that, I can take my scared self down a notch. BAH!
Moving on...
I have had a very interesting outlook on life lately and it's simply off of this one question I keep asking myself whenever I feel like I'm in a fork in the road. What is your purpose in life Mikaela? Life's purpose isn't simply about becoming something. As we listen to our inner childhood dreams and learn how what truly makes us happy, it is then we can take that next step towards finding one's purpose. It is only then when we grow up and get to know ourselves more and the possibilities of who we can become. Screw loathing in fear, failure, insecurities, and other's opinions of how they want you to live. When you see me sitting there not looking at you in the eye and instead wandering into the space in the air, with my hands folded in between my legs and my body is shifted away from you, I've checked out of the conversation therefore saying that the quality you provide in my life is LOW. It is at this new chapter in my life, where I will gravitate towards strong-willed, strong-minded and a better sense of living that I know a few people have in them. Nothing less.
On that note, I met a new friend named Taylor. She's tall and skinny like me except more so in every way. She has a very chill sense about her. Likes to reflect on everything and find meanings beyond whats obvious. I fear she may have a guy problem but I'm slowly oozing my sense of self-righteousness above all men on her. She's warming up to it. She's just afraid of the repercussions of her actions, which is valid, but also not valid. Who cares about tomorrow when you don't know if you'll be around then? No regrets and limitations is what I've been living by if you're just tuning in. But yeah. Basically, everything about her I adore. We've become "two peas and a pod" her mom says. Her mom = my mom. Her every ounce of love in her, view on life, her hippie and hip ways, shit.. even the handwriting. I think I might adopt her as my new mommy.
Can't forget my other loves: Dylan and Adam.. Other than that, there isn't anyone else really that does it for me at this very moment in my life. Sadly enough, I only REALLY want to hang out with these three people as much as possible. They are all my addiction, in other words. Everyone else are either fillers, hot nights, or random old best friends that I've become distant with over the years and get to see once in a clear sky in Seattle.
Let's just brush over the hot nights since everyone would like to know. The whole living-in-the-moment-without-any-limitations doesn't necessarily go for the men I've been dating. To be quite frank, I preach for my high quality friends and lately have been going for the typical cocky white guys. WHY O WHY you ask? I have an eye and that eye has been craving the candy over her daily vegetables lately. I know, I shouldn't and I lecture friends all the time about this, but I haven't been able to help myself with dating the physically date-able. I do however have control when it comes to hitting the sack. It amuses me when I don't give them what they want, or expect out of an intimate night of simply hanging out and getting to know eachother. Does it always have to be about sex?? I need to find a fucking boyfriend and get it over with. But who and where do I find this practically invisible, nonexistent man?
Oh life. It's time to lay this bouncing-off-the-walls mind of mine to rest. Goodnight to a strange but very exciting life.
I put in my two weeks at my job a few days back. Hellevue's hands had taken a grasp out of the purity of my free-spirited heart which acquired real, true feelings and smashed it with a bunch of egotistical, materialistic fucks, which some I've had the pleasure of working with. Basically, I need a change of scene. That place wasn't doing it for me and I had a few other things I'd rather do coming up than be tied down to this high-stress, overworking job that my life got entangled with. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss a few untainted souls that still have the dignity to continue working there, but I just couldn't. Today, I watched an outstanding movie, and later I looked up some of the memorable quotes in it and found/remembered this one:
"From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life."
— Anaïs Nin
Henry and June, what a movie to put things into perspective.
On another note, as one withers away another is blooming to life. My step grandmother passed away two weeks ago. Body was found three days later at her home and three empty half gallons of gin in the kitchen. It was not even seven months ago that my grandfather, her husband, shot himself and diminished my grandmothers' purpose in life. It was sad to hear the end of these two lives that had simply given up. The day before my sister had found out by the police, she called our grandmother to tell her she was pregnant. Little did she or anyone else know, our grandmother was long gone. Crazy how life works like that. By the way, if you just skimmed through that last statement I'll make it more clear right now by saying: MY SISTER IS PREGNANT. Holy wow. I know I'm an aunt of 5 already but my little booper butt sister is seriously pregnant and loving it. I'm freaked out scared for her since she's been having alot of life trials lately and hasn't really been 'stable' in any sense of the word. All I do know is that she will be an extraordinary mother and love that baby in every single way. Knowing that, I can take my scared self down a notch. BAH!
Moving on...
I have had a very interesting outlook on life lately and it's simply off of this one question I keep asking myself whenever I feel like I'm in a fork in the road. What is your purpose in life Mikaela? Life's purpose isn't simply about becoming something. As we listen to our inner childhood dreams and learn how what truly makes us happy, it is then we can take that next step towards finding one's purpose. It is only then when we grow up and get to know ourselves more and the possibilities of who we can become. Screw loathing in fear, failure, insecurities, and other's opinions of how they want you to live. When you see me sitting there not looking at you in the eye and instead wandering into the space in the air, with my hands folded in between my legs and my body is shifted away from you, I've checked out of the conversation therefore saying that the quality you provide in my life is LOW. It is at this new chapter in my life, where I will gravitate towards strong-willed, strong-minded and a better sense of living that I know a few people have in them. Nothing less.
On that note, I met a new friend named Taylor. She's tall and skinny like me except more so in every way. She has a very chill sense about her. Likes to reflect on everything and find meanings beyond whats obvious. I fear she may have a guy problem but I'm slowly oozing my sense of self-righteousness above all men on her. She's warming up to it. She's just afraid of the repercussions of her actions, which is valid, but also not valid. Who cares about tomorrow when you don't know if you'll be around then? No regrets and limitations is what I've been living by if you're just tuning in. But yeah. Basically, everything about her I adore. We've become "two peas and a pod" her mom says. Her mom = my mom. Her every ounce of love in her, view on life, her hippie and hip ways, shit.. even the handwriting. I think I might adopt her as my new mommy.
Can't forget my other loves: Dylan and Adam.. Other than that, there isn't anyone else really that does it for me at this very moment in my life. Sadly enough, I only REALLY want to hang out with these three people as much as possible. They are all my addiction, in other words. Everyone else are either fillers, hot nights, or random old best friends that I've become distant with over the years and get to see once in a clear sky in Seattle.
Let's just brush over the hot nights since everyone would like to know. The whole living-in-the-moment-without-any-limitations doesn't necessarily go for the men I've been dating. To be quite frank, I preach for my high quality friends and lately have been going for the typical cocky white guys. WHY O WHY you ask? I have an eye and that eye has been craving the candy over her daily vegetables lately. I know, I shouldn't and I lecture friends all the time about this, but I haven't been able to help myself with dating the physically date-able. I do however have control when it comes to hitting the sack. It amuses me when I don't give them what they want, or expect out of an intimate night of simply hanging out and getting to know eachother. Does it always have to be about sex?? I need to find a fucking boyfriend and get it over with. But who and where do I find this practically invisible, nonexistent man?
Oh life. It's time to lay this bouncing-off-the-walls mind of mine to rest. Goodnight to a strange but very exciting life.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Operation: Drop kick - replenish +
There are a few situations I have found myself in lately. Between new friends and my interests, I've been pulled in different directions and started to discover ME and what I stand by. For one, I've realized I have had it SUPER easy with the excellent people I've been around the last couple years. Some are smarter, more mature than me. I've felt more like the lil pup in some of my relationships with my close ones because I have so much to learn from them. I take account of everything they say because I know they mean it and have worth to even have said it. They tend to bring happiness and confidence in controlling life the way you want it to be. Loving you strong, feeding my soul.
However, the tables have turned.
I'm realizing I have a gift from what I've learned in this life thus far. I've met outrageously talented and creative-minded people that are so at peace with themselves. They truly define LLL (Life, Love, and Laughter).
On the other hand...
I have met some people lately that get easily stressed out and has negativity and materialism everywhere they breathe. It hurts because I find myself acting the same way; eating into all the drama that acclimates around them. I literally have to grab my scalp to clear my head of those double-crossed thoughts just to not let them take the best of me. And I feel like it's all because they've been brainwashed and exposed to this world, that they would even admit they hate as well, take over them. They become it.. maybe they know no other way or they choose misery over pleasure. Who knows? I just know it can't be me.
Not saying it's their fault because I'm sitting in the middle of it, but maybe there is a way to teach them what I once was blinded from. Shit, I know I got a LONG way before I can say I'm where I want to be. I'm not a saint, but maybe someday I can be something close to it.
Furthermore, I've decided I shall write whatever comes to my head sporadically at the moment to let it all out for the air to absorb so my head shall be free... weeee
Things, thinking, fake smiling, drama ma ma, realizing, dreaming what I'm not, Bird disperse, passion drifting, brainstorming, perception deception, thinking, wanting it and then not wanting it, StiLL standing STILL.
However, the tables have turned.
I'm realizing I have a gift from what I've learned in this life thus far. I've met outrageously talented and creative-minded people that are so at peace with themselves. They truly define LLL (Life, Love, and Laughter).
On the other hand...
I have met some people lately that get easily stressed out and has negativity and materialism everywhere they breathe. It hurts because I find myself acting the same way; eating into all the drama that acclimates around them. I literally have to grab my scalp to clear my head of those double-crossed thoughts just to not let them take the best of me. And I feel like it's all because they've been brainwashed and exposed to this world, that they would even admit they hate as well, take over them. They become it.. maybe they know no other way or they choose misery over pleasure. Who knows? I just know it can't be me.
Not saying it's their fault because I'm sitting in the middle of it, but maybe there is a way to teach them what I once was blinded from. Shit, I know I got a LONG way before I can say I'm where I want to be. I'm not a saint, but maybe someday I can be something close to it.
Furthermore, I've decided I shall write whatever comes to my head sporadically at the moment to let it all out for the air to absorb so my head shall be free... weeee
Things, thinking, fake smiling, drama ma ma, realizing, dreaming what I'm not, Bird disperse, passion drifting, brainstorming, perception deception, thinking, wanting it and then not wanting it, StiLL standing STILL.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Bite the hand that feeds
I feel like everyone does this. Now after slowly reading this, I can point out the scenarios. Hurting the person that loves you most. Is ungrateful for the little things people do for you. Is unaware of feelings that a close person has towards you or around you. Thinks the world of themselves; is so self righteous that they don't even recognize the good in anyone else. Shuns those that have different beliefs. The list goes on. I happen to see this everyday I walk into work.
Why do they preach kindness and being so down-to-earth that they can't even come close to what that really means? Why fake how you feel and hide your judgments towards people who work hard for more than its worth? I try to see past the critiquing and featherbrained egos. I want to like you so life can smooth over easily, but I'm having a hard time. Every time I get off, I feel a sense of freedom and love for living life how I want to live it.
After work, I feel a reverse feeling from the management I work with. More laid back and ready to laugh. Stoked to see you enjoying yourself and you feel like you've been upset for nothing. Then, the diabolical cycle repeats.
Sorry folks, I can't let you run my life. It's sad to see them pushing good people that know their shit out of the company and letting people that have no idea about the industry run the place. Good idea. Right.
I'm over it. allllready.
And the scheme to not stand still continues...
Why do they preach kindness and being so down-to-earth that they can't even come close to what that really means? Why fake how you feel and hide your judgments towards people who work hard for more than its worth? I try to see past the critiquing and featherbrained egos. I want to like you so life can smooth over easily, but I'm having a hard time. Every time I get off, I feel a sense of freedom and love for living life how I want to live it.
After work, I feel a reverse feeling from the management I work with. More laid back and ready to laugh. Stoked to see you enjoying yourself and you feel like you've been upset for nothing. Then, the diabolical cycle repeats.
Sorry folks, I can't let you run my life. It's sad to see them pushing good people that know their shit out of the company and letting people that have no idea about the industry run the place. Good idea. Right.
I'm over it. allllready.
And the scheme to not stand still continues...
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Still Standing STILL.
thinking. thinking. thinking. boys. thinking. thinking. drinking. thinking..... still thinking.
Sometimes, you'll find me looking confused for no apparent reason. Like I'm concentrating or listening to something in my head. That's how I've been lately. In my head screams those three little words: What. To. Do.
Is this geminitical (yep that's my word, I claimed it), indecisive side of me going to keep me standing still? I need to move.. move move move. But where? How? I'm Anxious!!
Let's lay it all out so I can clear my crazy head...
Numero 1: Move to Vegas for 5-6 months to make twice-three times as much as much cheese as I make now. Also, see where a relationship with a special person will flourish once it becomes a daily thing and less vocational. Then, if all goes as planned, come home for B-Man and possibly schooling for the fall now that I got my urge for travel out.
Numero 2: Sunny So Cal livin. Close to Vegas. Closer to close friends. Could probably land a decent money makin' job and get myself well "above water."
Far fetched Numero 3: San Fran. A big, fun artistic party network waiting for me to grace them with my presence. Already have a modeling gig lined up. Close to some important people I've known throughout my life.
The unthinkable Numero 4: Stay here in Seattle - weigh out the summer with the decent job I have, along with the new relationships that have become more engraved every day. Go to B-Man. Ache to travel and probably not end up wanting school this time around. Leaving me where I am at today. And last year. And the year before.
Oh, no. I think I've made up my mind. I can't stay here. I can't.
That means, I need to start making some moves. FAST. ... gulp.
Wine. be mine.
The end.
Sometimes, you'll find me looking confused for no apparent reason. Like I'm concentrating or listening to something in my head. That's how I've been lately. In my head screams those three little words: What. To. Do.
Is this geminitical (yep that's my word, I claimed it), indecisive side of me going to keep me standing still? I need to move.. move move move. But where? How? I'm Anxious!!
Let's lay it all out so I can clear my crazy head...
Numero 1: Move to Vegas for 5-6 months to make twice-three times as much as much cheese as I make now. Also, see where a relationship with a special person will flourish once it becomes a daily thing and less vocational. Then, if all goes as planned, come home for B-Man and possibly schooling for the fall now that I got my urge for travel out.
Numero 2: Sunny So Cal livin. Close to Vegas. Closer to close friends. Could probably land a decent money makin' job and get myself well "above water."
Far fetched Numero 3: San Fran. A big, fun artistic party network waiting for me to grace them with my presence. Already have a modeling gig lined up. Close to some important people I've known throughout my life.
The unthinkable Numero 4: Stay here in Seattle - weigh out the summer with the decent job I have, along with the new relationships that have become more engraved every day. Go to B-Man. Ache to travel and probably not end up wanting school this time around. Leaving me where I am at today. And last year. And the year before.
Oh, no. I think I've made up my mind. I can't stay here. I can't.
That means, I need to start making some moves. FAST. ... gulp.
Wine. be mine.
The end.
Monday, December 28, 2009
What Happened?
I remember when I was a munchkin, everything seemed much more pure; came right from the heart with no pit stops for fickleness or dry talks. You know, when you get so excited for the littlest things like five bucks, when your dad finally comes home from work, when you get ready to go to the park, etc. I still feel that way sometimes. Where my heart comes from is a heavy, passionate, deep feeling that touches your soul. Not to sound egotistical, but that is just how I was raised and how I choose to be. Why give anything half ass? When I love, I love hard... when I fight, I fight hard, when I want something I'll do what it takes to get it.
During this trip my sister and I took to Minnesota, I saw a life that lacked that. It was disturbing at first, then I wanted to feel it out and help, listen and be there. Then I realized, I can't fix anything. I can't tell people to be a certain way (man, would the world be such a better place though HAH). All I can do is be me, the best way I know how to be - full of life, youth, energy, and love. And hopefully that is enough to infiltrate to those who don't do as such. It's a shame to see good hearts, smart minds go into a fixed, robotic lifestyle. A life where your thoughts are locked away in your mind and your feelings stashed somewhere in your heart. Maybe someday you'll get around to it, but now you have to stay above water. Pay those bills, make people happy, stay out of everyone's' way and cause no hassle for anyone. It's just depressing to watch.
On the flight home, I was sitting next to this little girl, who was flying by herself. So I took it upon myself to watch over her. She started opening up to me as I started making a hemp necklace. She got so interested in what I was doing, I could help but teach how to do it. By the end of the plane ride, I had her make a hemp necklace for her mom she hadn't seen in three years. As I was about to leave, I saw her and she saw me and she ran up to me and gave me a hug! I had only spent a few hours with this cute little girl, and she was attached with pure feelings. I felt so much better instantly, just by that one plane ride home. I need to start hangin around kids more often, I think. Better yet! wait... no ... not yet Mikaela.
After aching for so long to go back to MN to see my old roots and catch up on times lost with my HS friends, it feels so refreshing to be back now that I'm finally at ease here in Washington. I feel like I've been on the go since August, which is true, besides a week here and a week there of coming back home just to repack and bail out again. I need a break. I need to focus. Figure out what my next step is now that I've seen all my options. Well, not all but the options that are most convenient for me. My life stands still, right now, just before the dawn of 2010. I'm left in a pondering moment where all the voices and all the images keep replaying in my head. Between love, my future, family and great bonds I've encountered... I have a lot to think about.
Goodnight world.
During this trip my sister and I took to Minnesota, I saw a life that lacked that. It was disturbing at first, then I wanted to feel it out and help, listen and be there. Then I realized, I can't fix anything. I can't tell people to be a certain way (man, would the world be such a better place though HAH). All I can do is be me, the best way I know how to be - full of life, youth, energy, and love. And hopefully that is enough to infiltrate to those who don't do as such. It's a shame to see good hearts, smart minds go into a fixed, robotic lifestyle. A life where your thoughts are locked away in your mind and your feelings stashed somewhere in your heart. Maybe someday you'll get around to it, but now you have to stay above water. Pay those bills, make people happy, stay out of everyone's' way and cause no hassle for anyone. It's just depressing to watch.
On the flight home, I was sitting next to this little girl, who was flying by herself. So I took it upon myself to watch over her. She started opening up to me as I started making a hemp necklace. She got so interested in what I was doing, I could help but teach how to do it. By the end of the plane ride, I had her make a hemp necklace for her mom she hadn't seen in three years. As I was about to leave, I saw her and she saw me and she ran up to me and gave me a hug! I had only spent a few hours with this cute little girl, and she was attached with pure feelings. I felt so much better instantly, just by that one plane ride home. I need to start hangin around kids more often, I think. Better yet! wait... no ... not yet Mikaela.
After aching for so long to go back to MN to see my old roots and catch up on times lost with my HS friends, it feels so refreshing to be back now that I'm finally at ease here in Washington. I feel like I've been on the go since August, which is true, besides a week here and a week there of coming back home just to repack and bail out again. I need a break. I need to focus. Figure out what my next step is now that I've seen all my options. Well, not all but the options that are most convenient for me. My life stands still, right now, just before the dawn of 2010. I'm left in a pondering moment where all the voices and all the images keep replaying in my head. Between love, my future, family and great bonds I've encountered... I have a lot to think about.
Goodnight world.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Dear Aunt Leslee,
Throughout my childhood, I have seen my mother be such a lively, vibrant, magnetic soul to a fearful, lost woman with the look of death in her eyes. I have came in the way of life or death with her when she felt like giving up. I let anger that I felt stay on the back burner while I wrapped my arms around, what seemed to me, like a little girl that never could find the love she craved. I didn't want her to feel like she was ever alone. If anything, she still had me. I thought my love would be enough to keep her from killing herself.
But now, all that's left is her flawless, laughing image in my head.
She's gone and I still feel like she was there yesterday, being the best mom I know. She let herself go because she had no more control. She couldn't wake up and realize that she meant the world to me. She was my best friend; my hero in so many ways. I have learned to humble myself with unconditional love for others as she always had for me. I let the little kid come out in me, just like it did in her, just to show people that life is short. I miss her so badly and that will never go away. The laughter and joy that I bring into my life now is in remembrance of what she gave me. The first thing I had ever learned from her.
Until the day she died, she still had a smile on her face telling me that she was just fine and everything will be alright. She shut out everyone in her life but her two little girls. Even you read the letter. She said, "if I continue doing this, I will die." She knew she would, and that's the hardest part to understand. Why would she let go of this precious life? Why would she just let it all go? They say you fall seven times, so get up eight. FIGHT for you life. It's so beautiful yet all you see are the clouds. It hurts me beyond words to hear that you're giving up. I cry because I want you to live. I don't want to lose another close family member of mine to this.
You carry such a light and happiness that my mom, your sister, had. You have been there for me like I was your own daughter since day one. You have such a strong, independent attitude about you that reminds me to let go of my weaknesses. Your support through all my bad times has helped me become more of a better person. You are one of the few things I have left to remember her by. Please, don't die.
I love you so much.
Love,
Miki
But now, all that's left is her flawless, laughing image in my head.
She's gone and I still feel like she was there yesterday, being the best mom I know. She let herself go because she had no more control. She couldn't wake up and realize that she meant the world to me. She was my best friend; my hero in so many ways. I have learned to humble myself with unconditional love for others as she always had for me. I let the little kid come out in me, just like it did in her, just to show people that life is short. I miss her so badly and that will never go away. The laughter and joy that I bring into my life now is in remembrance of what she gave me. The first thing I had ever learned from her.
Until the day she died, she still had a smile on her face telling me that she was just fine and everything will be alright. She shut out everyone in her life but her two little girls. Even you read the letter. She said, "if I continue doing this, I will die." She knew she would, and that's the hardest part to understand. Why would she let go of this precious life? Why would she just let it all go? They say you fall seven times, so get up eight. FIGHT for you life. It's so beautiful yet all you see are the clouds. It hurts me beyond words to hear that you're giving up. I cry because I want you to live. I don't want to lose another close family member of mine to this.
You carry such a light and happiness that my mom, your sister, had. You have been there for me like I was your own daughter since day one. You have such a strong, independent attitude about you that reminds me to let go of my weaknesses. Your support through all my bad times has helped me become more of a better person. You are one of the few things I have left to remember her by. Please, don't die.
I love you so much.
Love,
Miki
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
A Songwriters' Favorite Feeling
This is me. This is probably you too but you just can't admit it because you're too ashamed or embarrassed of what people might think.
I was given a journal when I started getting an opinion about everything, riiight about the good ol' ripe age of 10. Ever since then, I haven't stopped. Any frustrating moment where I couldn't speak my peace, it was straight to the journal. Then when I got older and got a computer... my journal entries turned into a big blog that became a reality show of my life.
Honestly, everyone is not perfect (well maybe my other Aunt and her family that has never missed a Sunday morning church session). You can't expect someone like me, knowing my past and what I have seen, to keep everything bottled up and pretend like it never happened. I can't help but spill the beans every once in a while. I figure, it's better than starting a pointless fight at a bar, curling up into a ball and becoming depressed because I have no one to talk to, or becoming a prostitute or something along those extreme conditions.
I am just simply speaking what it is on this mind of mine. Everyone has two sides to their side. One side is telling them "you're an idiot. Just give up now and save yourself from the agony" and the other side is saying "be free. Let those bad thoughts go and do what makes you most happy" ... whether you like it or not, those bad thoughts will remain. One of my beloved friends likes to think of her bad thoughts as gory suicide missions on paper. I'll have to admit, it's quite hard to read. Whereas, a few of my other friends and family, well maybe more than a few, like to drink their sorrows away. Sometimes I don't blame em. I'm even guilty of that but have been veering away from that scene slowly. A lot of times, I get friends coming to me and are asking for advice. Bravo to these folks. These guys, especially in the long run, are more open-minded, pleasant, and coachable people to be around. And there's nothing better than having a coachable friend that needs the coaching. I find that the quieter ones are more likely to drop the big bomb every so often. Those are the ones I tend to watch out for. They get so short-wired after a while that it seems like no matter what anyone says, they'll get irritated. I hate to say it, but it's like my sister. I could say one thing that wouldn't upset anyone but her and she'll go off on me, just because it came out of my mouth. I hate to see it happen and I wish she wasn't so uptight but that's the luck of the draw, I suppose.
What really hits the nail in the head is writing for me. DUH, I know. Granted, I still do a little this and a little that to ease the pain, but writing has always stuck around for me. I'll even take breaks here and there when I'm feeling lazy and don't want to write down those thoughts, but then I'll get a wild hand that won't stop typing. Once that happens, I take off into the bloggers' imagination. It's like a songwriters' favorite feeling.
Alright people out there, I'm out for the count. Another late night blogging session bites the dust.
Peace and Love, M
I was given a journal when I started getting an opinion about everything, riiight about the good ol' ripe age of 10. Ever since then, I haven't stopped. Any frustrating moment where I couldn't speak my peace, it was straight to the journal. Then when I got older and got a computer... my journal entries turned into a big blog that became a reality show of my life.
Honestly, everyone is not perfect (well maybe my other Aunt and her family that has never missed a Sunday morning church session). You can't expect someone like me, knowing my past and what I have seen, to keep everything bottled up and pretend like it never happened. I can't help but spill the beans every once in a while. I figure, it's better than starting a pointless fight at a bar, curling up into a ball and becoming depressed because I have no one to talk to, or becoming a prostitute or something along those extreme conditions.
I am just simply speaking what it is on this mind of mine. Everyone has two sides to their side. One side is telling them "you're an idiot. Just give up now and save yourself from the agony" and the other side is saying "be free. Let those bad thoughts go and do what makes you most happy" ... whether you like it or not, those bad thoughts will remain. One of my beloved friends likes to think of her bad thoughts as gory suicide missions on paper. I'll have to admit, it's quite hard to read. Whereas, a few of my other friends and family, well maybe more than a few, like to drink their sorrows away. Sometimes I don't blame em. I'm even guilty of that but have been veering away from that scene slowly. A lot of times, I get friends coming to me and are asking for advice. Bravo to these folks. These guys, especially in the long run, are more open-minded, pleasant, and coachable people to be around. And there's nothing better than having a coachable friend that needs the coaching. I find that the quieter ones are more likely to drop the big bomb every so often. Those are the ones I tend to watch out for. They get so short-wired after a while that it seems like no matter what anyone says, they'll get irritated. I hate to say it, but it's like my sister. I could say one thing that wouldn't upset anyone but her and she'll go off on me, just because it came out of my mouth. I hate to see it happen and I wish she wasn't so uptight but that's the luck of the draw, I suppose.
What really hits the nail in the head is writing for me. DUH, I know. Granted, I still do a little this and a little that to ease the pain, but writing has always stuck around for me. I'll even take breaks here and there when I'm feeling lazy and don't want to write down those thoughts, but then I'll get a wild hand that won't stop typing. Once that happens, I take off into the bloggers' imagination. It's like a songwriters' favorite feeling.
Alright people out there, I'm out for the count. Another late night blogging session bites the dust.
Peace and Love, M
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Let's talk sex, kids.
One thing I'd like to wrap my head around and come to terms with is sexuality. And I'm not talking about the graphic details of what it's all about. I'm merely fascinated with how one person can attract you sexually.
Most of my childhood was very healthy. I was your cliche playful, teasing, goofy, innocent -not to mention gangly- little girl that was always finding new adventures. As I turned into a young woman, hormones were rising and became something I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't comfortable in those giddy crushing situations. Most people at that age could relate right? Well, I just so happened to be completely awkward and repellent in those situations. Every time a guy would lay eyes on me, I'd figit and look around to see if I was surely the one he was looking at.
As time went on, I realized I was growing out of my awkward stage and was getting a lot of attention just by my looks. I liked the attention... at first. I felt like I was a hot commodity and someone that you'd be lucky to be with. Egotism got the best of me lets just say.
As further time went on, I started to become more aware of my intelligence and how I wanted to project myself and started to become more conservative, less flirty. Almost as if I had it out for guys, I was a strong-minded woman. I didn't take any more pick-up lines and found myself being rude to guys just because I assumed they wanted to get in my pants. This stage didn't last long.
As a little more time went on, I was lonely. A lot of my friends got into relationships and I was stuck living the single life. I started becoming more open to men, however I still had my shield on, knowing that most men were up to no good with a girl like me. I struggled trying to make flings last, and the few that did - push forward into a relationship. I soon realized then, that I didn't want to compromise this one precious life that I had. I don't like feeling set back or compromised into a life someone else wants for me. I want to live my OWN life.
Then I started exploring. I became interested in just about everything: traveling, people, stories, cultures, men and women. I wanted to see how other people lived that was different from mine. What grew on me was my attraction towards women, especially the ones that struggled with being a piece of meat towards men. AKA the pretty girls. As time went on, I found myself not only attracted physically towards men, but also women.
I don't feel like I've thoroughly explored that facet in my life, but I'm open to the idea lets just say. Women provide something that men cannot and that is no games. Most girls that I've connected with are usually very upfront, open, no bullshit type of chicks. I'm not saying that all women don't play games, just the more lesbian ones. It's comforting and refreshing to be able to have less pressure and tension and be real and raw and whatever makes you you. I'm not going to lie, I don't think I'll ever be a full-on lesbo, I don't even think I'm bisexual at this point; just bicurious. I do have a thing for men, and that's just it: MEN, Not boys. Not those that play games and throw me in vicious cycles of irrelevant arguments and drama, all based off of jealousy and decisions I make. Blah, screw that.
So, as it still stands, I am single but I've found myself falling closer and closer to better people. Ones that captivate me and might even be one day, Mikaela's... boyfriend (or girlfriend). AH! =)
Most of my childhood was very healthy. I was your cliche playful, teasing, goofy, innocent -not to mention gangly- little girl that was always finding new adventures. As I turned into a young woman, hormones were rising and became something I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't comfortable in those giddy crushing situations. Most people at that age could relate right? Well, I just so happened to be completely awkward and repellent in those situations. Every time a guy would lay eyes on me, I'd figit and look around to see if I was surely the one he was looking at.
As time went on, I realized I was growing out of my awkward stage and was getting a lot of attention just by my looks. I liked the attention... at first. I felt like I was a hot commodity and someone that you'd be lucky to be with. Egotism got the best of me lets just say.
As further time went on, I started to become more aware of my intelligence and how I wanted to project myself and started to become more conservative, less flirty. Almost as if I had it out for guys, I was a strong-minded woman. I didn't take any more pick-up lines and found myself being rude to guys just because I assumed they wanted to get in my pants. This stage didn't last long.
As a little more time went on, I was lonely. A lot of my friends got into relationships and I was stuck living the single life. I started becoming more open to men, however I still had my shield on, knowing that most men were up to no good with a girl like me. I struggled trying to make flings last, and the few that did - push forward into a relationship. I soon realized then, that I didn't want to compromise this one precious life that I had. I don't like feeling set back or compromised into a life someone else wants for me. I want to live my OWN life.
Then I started exploring. I became interested in just about everything: traveling, people, stories, cultures, men and women. I wanted to see how other people lived that was different from mine. What grew on me was my attraction towards women, especially the ones that struggled with being a piece of meat towards men. AKA the pretty girls. As time went on, I found myself not only attracted physically towards men, but also women.
I don't feel like I've thoroughly explored that facet in my life, but I'm open to the idea lets just say. Women provide something that men cannot and that is no games. Most girls that I've connected with are usually very upfront, open, no bullshit type of chicks. I'm not saying that all women don't play games, just the more lesbian ones. It's comforting and refreshing to be able to have less pressure and tension and be real and raw and whatever makes you you. I'm not going to lie, I don't think I'll ever be a full-on lesbo, I don't even think I'm bisexual at this point; just bicurious. I do have a thing for men, and that's just it: MEN, Not boys. Not those that play games and throw me in vicious cycles of irrelevant arguments and drama, all based off of jealousy and decisions I make. Blah, screw that.
So, as it still stands, I am single but I've found myself falling closer and closer to better people. Ones that captivate me and might even be one day, Mikaela's... boyfriend (or girlfriend). AH! =)
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Adventures Adventures, MORE Adventures =)
Picking up from where I started off... hahahaaaaaa
Getting my ish together is quite demanding of myself when I've been caught up in such a good time. I have never felt so FREE in my life. It's like I really did find that meadow in the middle of no where, spread my arms and my smile and ran around underneath the sun. I've been climbing up beautiful mountains, seen crazy shooting stars, jumped off some rocks into the ocean, ran around in circles until I fell (in a handicap parking spot have you mind), played hide'n'seek in the forest, played tag in the middle of the dance floor. I haven't played dadgeball on a trampoline yet but it's bound to happen at some point. I saw Where the Wild Things Are - which I adored. I feel like that kid. Hasn't found herself quite yet and needs to shake it out and wander for a while but am on the verge of coming up with something big. I went to my brother today and asked him "What's next? How do I follow this crazy two month rollercoaster I've been on?" My brother then asked me, "what meaning and value do you want to make in your life. Whatever that is, you should strive to make it happen... now."
Now the real question - that million dollar question that I always find a different answer to, just to answer the question: What is it that I want to do? What direction do I want to go? Where would I be most beneficial in this life??
Yikes. Those questions scare me.
I've thought of a few ideas... ones that can be easily followed with just the right dose of focus and ambition. School- I want to go back and finish my degree in PR or International Business - but where? Seattle seems too obvious. I'm too big of a fish in this small pond anyway. I feel like if I went that route, everything would follow afterwards. I wouldn't need that much of direction as I would figure out what I like and don't like along the way. On the side I was thinking, why not start my own business? I always wanted to have my own fashion line. I have a few new items in mind that aren't out on the market, as much as it should be at least, that I could fabricate into something great. Also, I would love to be a party planner. I always think of dope ideas for friends and after being where I've been I don't doubt that I could be pretty good at it. haha.
All I know that my future entails at this point is PEOPLE. I'm in love with everyone I talk to. I love hearing what people have to say; genuinely hearing them out. Everyone is so different, god knows I am, and I am just fascinated what it is that some people have that I don't, whether it be physical qualities, personality traits, etc. Also, I love seeing people happy. I don't want to be no shrink or FBI agent. I want to make lives better with situations that aren't that extreme. I want open-minded people, coachable, dependable people in my life. Also, ones that are willing to push the envelope alittle more than what they are used to. I am of course, a thrill seeker. This brings me to my next point...
So after all that happened after burning man, things have gotten crazier, if that can be possible. I quit JBay!! No more shady boss, bad hours, poor money, disrespect. The next day I took a flight out to AZ to see my brother. I thought, screw it. If I'm going all out, I mind as well road trip it with my brother, and he welcomed me with open arms. The following weeks became quite an adventure. From Phoenix to San Diego for their decompression, then back to Phoenix for more madness. The following weekend, we hit up LA for a crazy, "invite only," party that we caught ourselves in exactly one year prior. Then we went BACK to Phoenix to tie up some loose ends just to find ourselves back in San Diego one last time for Halloween. Madness I tell you. It was probably one of the best times of my life. I met possibly the coolest, most positive, energetic people in SD. They got us turning around our traveling plans to make a magical Halloween weekend I'll never forget. From warehouse parties to fire spinnin to swimmin at 6 am ... aww they were like candy in the food chain. After Halloween, we made our way to Vegas for the SEMA car show convention. That is where I met Forrest. He's a 'drifter' professional driver. From there, I got him to come visit Seattle for a few days and then I went with him to his home town for a week. Just so happened that he grew up in Hawaii!!!!! oh baby. And not only that, we were there the weekend the Hawaii Decompression was going on. Haha what are the odds. It was a glorious week. Beautiful views, amazing fruits, great weather. Couldn't get much better in Mid-november.
Back to the point I was making, now that I've caught up on my crazy month: the people. I am not quite a big fan of being set back. I really do either go big or go home, thrill seeker. Well, Forrest isn't... at all. Very chill hawaiian dude set in his ways. So after cruisin with him for over a week and a half, I'm glad that I'm home. Granted, I'm not some crazy party animal. I just don't like sitting around! Take me somewhere... Anything that feels like an adventure, I'm in. Just sitting around watching TV when I'm in Hawaii though is just not my cup of tea. I liked him but it would only get conflicting if I held onto it any longer. He's a small person i.e. one that is not willing to leave his comfort zone because he's still a little boy who is insecure. =) wow I'm harsh.
Anyway, I gotta get my move on for a night out on the town with my brother finally! Gosh feels good to be back.
Later thoughts.
Getting my ish together is quite demanding of myself when I've been caught up in such a good time. I have never felt so FREE in my life. It's like I really did find that meadow in the middle of no where, spread my arms and my smile and ran around underneath the sun. I've been climbing up beautiful mountains, seen crazy shooting stars, jumped off some rocks into the ocean, ran around in circles until I fell (in a handicap parking spot have you mind), played hide'n'seek in the forest, played tag in the middle of the dance floor. I haven't played dadgeball on a trampoline yet but it's bound to happen at some point. I saw Where the Wild Things Are - which I adored. I feel like that kid. Hasn't found herself quite yet and needs to shake it out and wander for a while but am on the verge of coming up with something big. I went to my brother today and asked him "What's next? How do I follow this crazy two month rollercoaster I've been on?" My brother then asked me, "what meaning and value do you want to make in your life. Whatever that is, you should strive to make it happen... now."
Now the real question - that million dollar question that I always find a different answer to, just to answer the question: What is it that I want to do? What direction do I want to go? Where would I be most beneficial in this life??
Yikes. Those questions scare me.
I've thought of a few ideas... ones that can be easily followed with just the right dose of focus and ambition. School- I want to go back and finish my degree in PR or International Business - but where? Seattle seems too obvious. I'm too big of a fish in this small pond anyway. I feel like if I went that route, everything would follow afterwards. I wouldn't need that much of direction as I would figure out what I like and don't like along the way. On the side I was thinking, why not start my own business? I always wanted to have my own fashion line. I have a few new items in mind that aren't out on the market, as much as it should be at least, that I could fabricate into something great. Also, I would love to be a party planner. I always think of dope ideas for friends and after being where I've been I don't doubt that I could be pretty good at it. haha.
All I know that my future entails at this point is PEOPLE. I'm in love with everyone I talk to. I love hearing what people have to say; genuinely hearing them out. Everyone is so different, god knows I am, and I am just fascinated what it is that some people have that I don't, whether it be physical qualities, personality traits, etc. Also, I love seeing people happy. I don't want to be no shrink or FBI agent. I want to make lives better with situations that aren't that extreme. I want open-minded people, coachable, dependable people in my life. Also, ones that are willing to push the envelope alittle more than what they are used to. I am of course, a thrill seeker. This brings me to my next point...
So after all that happened after burning man, things have gotten crazier, if that can be possible. I quit JBay!! No more shady boss, bad hours, poor money, disrespect. The next day I took a flight out to AZ to see my brother. I thought, screw it. If I'm going all out, I mind as well road trip it with my brother, and he welcomed me with open arms. The following weeks became quite an adventure. From Phoenix to San Diego for their decompression, then back to Phoenix for more madness. The following weekend, we hit up LA for a crazy, "invite only," party that we caught ourselves in exactly one year prior. Then we went BACK to Phoenix to tie up some loose ends just to find ourselves back in San Diego one last time for Halloween. Madness I tell you. It was probably one of the best times of my life. I met possibly the coolest, most positive, energetic people in SD. They got us turning around our traveling plans to make a magical Halloween weekend I'll never forget. From warehouse parties to fire spinnin to swimmin at 6 am ... aww they were like candy in the food chain. After Halloween, we made our way to Vegas for the SEMA car show convention. That is where I met Forrest. He's a 'drifter' professional driver. From there, I got him to come visit Seattle for a few days and then I went with him to his home town for a week. Just so happened that he grew up in Hawaii!!!!! oh baby. And not only that, we were there the weekend the Hawaii Decompression was going on. Haha what are the odds. It was a glorious week. Beautiful views, amazing fruits, great weather. Couldn't get much better in Mid-november.
Back to the point I was making, now that I've caught up on my crazy month: the people. I am not quite a big fan of being set back. I really do either go big or go home, thrill seeker. Well, Forrest isn't... at all. Very chill hawaiian dude set in his ways. So after cruisin with him for over a week and a half, I'm glad that I'm home. Granted, I'm not some crazy party animal. I just don't like sitting around! Take me somewhere... Anything that feels like an adventure, I'm in. Just sitting around watching TV when I'm in Hawaii though is just not my cup of tea. I liked him but it would only get conflicting if I held onto it any longer. He's a small person i.e. one that is not willing to leave his comfort zone because he's still a little boy who is insecure. =) wow I'm harsh.
Anyway, I gotta get my move on for a night out on the town with my brother finally! Gosh feels good to be back.
Later thoughts.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Reality sinks in... Finally
I hate to admit it, but it's looking like I have finally accepted that my pathetic life is real and I'm not in la la land anymore. Ok, maybe I'm still bitter.
I haven't even talked or hung out with any of my friends since I've been home. I really just want to keep to myself and family and stay under the radar for a while. I think that will be best for me. And look, with all this alone time and writing time, I'm actually starting to dig the surface of my purpose on this earth!
Last night was interesting... to say the least! I never thought Monday nights could be so crazy but of course I would find a way one of these days. My brother, my friend Dylan and I went to a Burning Man gathering to discuss the events of last week and share some of our experiences of a magically week. Meh, it was alright... bunch of nerds with goofy opinions on everything but I didn't mind... it was entertaining to say the least. Then afterwards, my brother and I continue sharing our thoughts at the Cha Cha and then make our way to the Moe bar - which got packed! Not to mention, Joel -my first actual boyfriend- was bartending at. After about an hour in, he gets off work and starts drinking and hanging out. We head over to another bar together and start flirting like old times, thank you drunken natures. Keep in mind, Joel has a girlfriend. Maybe it was me being selfish or him being too weak to just go home, but things started getting... close. As the bar was closing down, Joel invited me back to his place. At that moment, I actually told him that I could just take off with my brother and that I didn't have to go back with him. I'm not one to be the home-wrecker and I still had some frame of mind to observe the situation brought to hand. He goes on by telling me it's ok and that he missed me. aghh... here we go again. Our drunk a$$es make it back to his apartment and the rest was history. After all was said and done, he admitted he'd felt guilty. I don't blame him. I missed the guy so much and what we used to be that I wasn't strong enough to just walk away. We both decided after this point on, night encounters are no longer. I left early the next morning and spent the rest of the day with my brother.
Aghhh... I think that morning that i wake up, hungover might I add, I realized then that I need to start getting my shit together. Reality sucks... unless you want to make the best times of your life possible, you have to get through all the hard times. If only I could find a way around them...
Later this evening, my brother and I when to an entrepreneurial seminar and it got my mind into thinking, why don't I just start my own thing?? I don't think my destiny involves following someone elses' orders and I'm not meant for a 9-5 desk job so why not? Ideas are bouncing around in my head trying to make something of it. I was thinking or having my own banquet service for companies, families and friends and make those good moments last. Man, I would absolutely love a job like that.
yikes... I have so many things to write about but i'm afraid I'm going to use the keyboard as my pillow in a few minutes unless I wrap this up quick..
I will be back =)
I haven't even talked or hung out with any of my friends since I've been home. I really just want to keep to myself and family and stay under the radar for a while. I think that will be best for me. And look, with all this alone time and writing time, I'm actually starting to dig the surface of my purpose on this earth!
Last night was interesting... to say the least! I never thought Monday nights could be so crazy but of course I would find a way one of these days. My brother, my friend Dylan and I went to a Burning Man gathering to discuss the events of last week and share some of our experiences of a magically week. Meh, it was alright... bunch of nerds with goofy opinions on everything but I didn't mind... it was entertaining to say the least. Then afterwards, my brother and I continue sharing our thoughts at the Cha Cha and then make our way to the Moe bar - which got packed! Not to mention, Joel -my first actual boyfriend- was bartending at. After about an hour in, he gets off work and starts drinking and hanging out. We head over to another bar together and start flirting like old times, thank you drunken natures. Keep in mind, Joel has a girlfriend. Maybe it was me being selfish or him being too weak to just go home, but things started getting... close. As the bar was closing down, Joel invited me back to his place. At that moment, I actually told him that I could just take off with my brother and that I didn't have to go back with him. I'm not one to be the home-wrecker and I still had some frame of mind to observe the situation brought to hand. He goes on by telling me it's ok and that he missed me. aghh... here we go again. Our drunk a$$es make it back to his apartment and the rest was history. After all was said and done, he admitted he'd felt guilty. I don't blame him. I missed the guy so much and what we used to be that I wasn't strong enough to just walk away. We both decided after this point on, night encounters are no longer. I left early the next morning and spent the rest of the day with my brother.
Aghhh... I think that morning that i wake up, hungover might I add, I realized then that I need to start getting my shit together. Reality sucks... unless you want to make the best times of your life possible, you have to get through all the hard times. If only I could find a way around them...
Later this evening, my brother and I when to an entrepreneurial seminar and it got my mind into thinking, why don't I just start my own thing?? I don't think my destiny involves following someone elses' orders and I'm not meant for a 9-5 desk job so why not? Ideas are bouncing around in my head trying to make something of it. I was thinking or having my own banquet service for companies, families and friends and make those good moments last. Man, I would absolutely love a job like that.
yikes... I have so many things to write about but i'm afraid I'm going to use the keyboard as my pillow in a few minutes unless I wrap this up quick..
I will be back =)
Sunday, September 13, 2009
And I thought Burning Man was hard to explain.
Let's just say I'm completely shattered... mentally, emotionally and physically at this point. I know its damn early in the morning but I can't sleep now... not with this much pain. After a lame first night at work, I leave around midnight to meet up with my brother in Seattle. We hit up an after party which was kickin. Great music, lots of burners and alcohol served after 2. Man, I couldn't really ask for more. After a few shots of ta kill ya... I was starting to feel amped up. Since coming back from the playa I haven't felt 100% you could say, so I've been trying to test my abilities into getting back up to par.
I have tested those abilities too early tonight.
So I start easing my way into dancing on the dance floor and start hoppin around. I could feel the old me coming back as the music was pumping through my veins and allowing my body to move. ooo wait... I felt striking pain in my knee and started working my way out of the dancing scene. The more I started walking to sit, the intensity of the pain increased drastically. As I finally managed to find somewhere to rest, all I could express was the lightning strike of pain that was flowing through my knees (and still is). I started rocking back and forth and massaging my knees but the more attention I brought to them, the more it hurt. There finally came a point where I couldn't feel anything but the incredible amount of pain that I felt was being injected into my knees. I couldn't do anything but cry at that point. My friend came over and was practically nursing me in my paralized condition but I was trying to tough it out. I didn't want to be that weak girl that couldn't pull through. Everything else was there, I was headache-free, puke-free, healthy and stable throughout everywhere else in my body but the excrusiating pain from my knees buckling underneath me.
We got out of the hot and sweaty dance floor to outside where the pain seemed to still be getting worse. I was crying like a baby at this point. I couldn't stop it hurt so much. My poor friend, Dylan, didn't know what to do but to kiss it and ask around for ice. A young man came by and gave me some pain killers which was nice... and after about a half hour I was finally feeling better.
I have never felt this kind of pain in my knees before. Never felt so helpless and in so much throbbing pain. I feel like my leg has been disconnected and is working itself back together again.
I am in hell and I just want this misery to end!!!! Haven't I already had a good dose of reality already?!?!? Take me back to where life was simple and I was healthy... please. hah.
I have tested those abilities too early tonight.
So I start easing my way into dancing on the dance floor and start hoppin around. I could feel the old me coming back as the music was pumping through my veins and allowing my body to move. ooo wait... I felt striking pain in my knee and started working my way out of the dancing scene. The more I started walking to sit, the intensity of the pain increased drastically. As I finally managed to find somewhere to rest, all I could express was the lightning strike of pain that was flowing through my knees (and still is). I started rocking back and forth and massaging my knees but the more attention I brought to them, the more it hurt. There finally came a point where I couldn't feel anything but the incredible amount of pain that I felt was being injected into my knees. I couldn't do anything but cry at that point. My friend came over and was practically nursing me in my paralized condition but I was trying to tough it out. I didn't want to be that weak girl that couldn't pull through. Everything else was there, I was headache-free, puke-free, healthy and stable throughout everywhere else in my body but the excrusiating pain from my knees buckling underneath me.
We got out of the hot and sweaty dance floor to outside where the pain seemed to still be getting worse. I was crying like a baby at this point. I couldn't stop it hurt so much. My poor friend, Dylan, didn't know what to do but to kiss it and ask around for ice. A young man came by and gave me some pain killers which was nice... and after about a half hour I was finally feeling better.
I have never felt this kind of pain in my knees before. Never felt so helpless and in so much throbbing pain. I feel like my leg has been disconnected and is working itself back together again.
I am in hell and I just want this misery to end!!!! Haven't I already had a good dose of reality already?!?!? Take me back to where life was simple and I was healthy... please. hah.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Whiplash of Events / Perma Burn Thoughts.
Ok so I'm not going to lie I'm alittle ticked off... I just was about to post the most magnificent blog I've ever written and then all the sudden my computer crashed. RAR. But since it was so amazing, I will not look at the time and make a tribute to the best blog in the world.
FIRST OFF, I need to dis
cuss Burning Man for the future me who becomes older and most likely more structured so I can look back on the best days of my crazy life. Yes, Burning Man baby is what I'm talking about. Explaining this mind-blowing, life-altering experience is practically impossible so hence the pictures... which hardly do enough justice either. Oh well, onward. Burning man this year was unlike last year, in a way that it brought more value and staying power than just a crazy wild experience. I never really grasped what BM was all about last year until the end. Then what did I do? Ventured all throughout southern California for three months without a worry in the world or a schedule to live by. I couldn't stand the thought of going home to that routine and seemingly unfulfilled life I had back home. So now this year brought another perspective to mind. How to really become that innovative person and make a difference in this world an also bring value. Finding that one thing that will keep me working might be hard but I'm more ambitious to go out and look, even if it takes leaving the country and going out on my own to explore the 
possibilities, I'll do it. Whatever it takes. I'm going big and not coming back home this time. There are so many damn blogs I've written about how my life isn't fulfilling enough and how I'm not making anything of myself. Pretty much just how utterly pathetic I am for not finishing school and moving on towards a career to dink around with for the rest of my life. But then what? What will that fulfill... the average Americans' dream? FUCK that. I need stimulation and passion otherwise I'm just not there. Now I just have to put all this energy into something palpable and reachable. My mind is literally exploding right about now. (I think I like this version better already...)
Anyway, so these pictures are just a few of whats out there and what it's all about. It's all about what people have to contribute and to just give a piece of who they are to Burning Man. It could be a bumpin' Art Car, to a massive structure, to a dancing dome with world known DJ's spinning beats, to the hottest bar on the playa. Things that I've never thought of before I'll find there... that's the beauty of it. The most talented and creative people on playa exist th
ere and I get a chance to go EVERY YEAR! You mind as well call me a die hard burner now.... I'm never stopping. Hell, I'll probably meet my future husband there someday... speaking of.... ;-)
On to the reality of things...............................
The last day was sad... everything started to sink in before we even left! Ollie (man I met) and I were crying about the great memories we had on the playa this year and how it's all ending. We thought about our futures and where they were heading... and then it was goodbye... I got all choked up and walked off only to run into all his friends I saw the night before. Everything about the man made me not want to leave him, including fate!!, but I knew I had to. And, boy, am I bad at goodbyes. I wish and hope and get lucky to see him someday soon...
Anyway, the packing was a drag... driving was a drag, especially since everyone smoked pot and passed out and couldn't drive which left me up to the task with a bunch of ol' love songs that I found to be great for karaoke one of these days soon... I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Thank god everyone was mostly sleeping - I hate how dumbfounded I get over men sometimes... So 24 hours, a few dips in the hot springs and a Mc Donald's trip later - WE ARRIVE!!!! It was 2 am and WOW. I have never felt so in AWE over a comfy, clean bed. I sunk into those right away and went on in my dreamy world with my playa boy friend. aweee...
The next day was filled with cleaning, laundry, vacuum, organizing, and then finally resting... we realized somewhere through the day that this house is about to be foreclosed. My dad stopped paying the bills, which means I need to find a place to live asap. As if I needed another packing trip. As sad as it is to leave this place, I am a big fan of new beginnings... I just hope it doesn't become a draggg.
Another cozy night goes by in my bed and still have those playa bugs flying in my stomach not wanting to face reality quite yet. Waking up the next morning was a bit more peaceful. I start off slow... catch up on emails finally- and facebook of course ... and what do ya know! I see Mr. Ollie on and start chatting with him... it's crushing to go from a touch to a screen but it was nice to hear from him to say the least... He missed me... I missed him... we discussed the reality of everything now that we're back in our own worlds... then we said our farewells and off to the day I go...
As I'm getting up to start my day... my sister comes storming into the room in tears - could hardly speak and then catches her breath to say that our grandfather, G-Pa, has shot himself dead. . . . great. As if my week could get any better. Without hesitation we agreed to get ready and head down to see G-Ma and help arrange everything with her... man, she was an absolute WRECK. Me and Ali were too... it was just a sad thing to see... tears all day - memories of my childhood flashing back from when we were so happy together. Then to hear all the horror and anger and disbelief of such a sudden traumatic incident... it was just unbearable. We were glad to be there for her though... who knows what she would have done.
We stayed the night there, slept a few hours then helped her get through her day (signed bills, went grocery shopping, etc..) We talked her through everything at least 5 times and told her to stay strong... She just was so pissed I don't think anything we could have said would have changed anything. She decided to see him before his cremation so we went to the funeral home... and I opened the door to see him. agh. what a sight. eyes discolored and bulging twice as big out of his face.... the blood from his brain had flowed right to the front and caused it to be that way. It was sick... she stroked his face and asked why several times... put her hands on his heart then slowly walked away... it wasn't a sight to be seen for more than a minute. I hope I don't have nightmares.... I've thought about it though. He'd had his stroke over 14 years ago, was so independent and strong to so helpless and weak... couldn't talk anymore and couldn't use the left side of his body. He had his brain though... I couldn't even begin to think how frustrating that would be. I am happy he's free from the agony though, even though it wasn't a natural way to go... I can just see him smiling and laughing walking freely with my mom somewhere up there....
Now, finally, after everything has been said and done... I'm home. I'm finally home. It's the weirdest feeling I have right now from such highs to the worst lows but I'm sure it will even out eventually... back to normal... where reality hits me when the dreams don't behave.
FIRST OFF, I need to dis
cuss Burning Man for the future me who becomes older and most likely more structured so I can look back on the best days of my crazy life. Yes, Burning Man baby is what I'm talking about. Explaining this mind-blowing, life-altering experience is practically impossible so hence the pictures... which hardly do enough justice either. Oh well, onward. Burning man this year was unlike last year, in a way that it brought more value and staying power than just a crazy wild experience. I never really grasped what BM was all about last year until the end. Then what did I do? Ventured all throughout southern California for three months without a worry in the world or a schedule to live by. I couldn't stand the thought of going home to that routine and seemingly unfulfilled life I had back home. So now this year brought another perspective to mind. How to really become that innovative person and make a difference in this world an also bring value. Finding that one thing that will keep me working might be hard but I'm more ambitious to go out and look, even if it takes leaving the country and going out on my own to explore the 
possibilities, I'll do it. Whatever it takes. I'm going big and not coming back home this time. There are so many damn blogs I've written about how my life isn't fulfilling enough and how I'm not making anything of myself. Pretty much just how utterly pathetic I am for not finishing school and moving on towards a career to dink around with for the rest of my life. But then what? What will that fulfill... the average Americans' dream? FUCK that. I need stimulation and passion otherwise I'm just not there. Now I just have to put all this energy into something palpable and reachable. My mind is literally exploding right about now. (I think I like this version better already...)Anyway, so these pictures are just a few of whats out there and what it's all about. It's all about what people have to contribute and to just give a piece of who they are to Burning Man. It could be a bumpin' Art Car, to a massive structure, to a dancing dome with world known DJ's spinning beats, to the hottest bar on the playa. Things that I've never thought of before I'll find there... that's the beauty of it. The most talented and creative people on playa exist th
ere and I get a chance to go EVERY YEAR! You mind as well call me a die hard burner now.... I'm never stopping. Hell, I'll probably meet my future husband there someday... speaking of.... ;-)
I was on fire the first couple days I first stepped my uncracked, unbr
uised, moistened feet onto the playa... but then... I started dancing and I couldn't really stop. Seriously... I sometimes don't realize I can dance so much and so well until I'm out there on the playa. Anyway, the second night... lets just say my feet have already done enough dancing for the year but I still kept goin. It was around 4-5 am and my whole camp is no where around (probably back at ca
mp sleeping) and I'm still goin on the dance floor. I go to the last club that's close to home and see this handsome, young guy dancing with the same energy as me. I was feelin' it and was vibing off of him. Next thing you know we're chatting up a storm on the dance floor. Then, we find our way to the bar and talk a bit more, which turned into making out and cuddling into the daylight. It was lovely... however, I didn't think it would turn out to be so easy to find him after that. I leave later thinking we'd may or may not see each other later. Throughout the day, he had crossed my mind and I'd hope to see him but knowing Mikaela, I don't let men consume my thoughts and plus there were SO many things to see I was in my own la la land. So, I'm out with my brother and crew dancing like crazy and all the sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder and of course it's fucking him! I was stoked and his eyes were wide open in disbelief and ended up having a magnificent rest of the night together. The next day same thing happens, except we said we'd meet later at the Pink Mammoth camp. No time really just at some point... I let the w
hole afternoon go by before I felt the urge to go to this camp and find him. Two minutes in, there he is walking in with the exact same intentions to find me. The evening was beautiful on a lovely art car. We easily met up again later after I prepped for the night, which turned out to be even better than the last. The next day just got weird... I was waiting for my neighbor chick, ashleigh who is also from london... haha course, to piss and along comes him and his two friends on their bikes and just happened to ride by... out of 50,000 people?? I couldn't make anything of it... it was just an amazing feeling that the call of fate really brought us together. I started to fall in love after that and the rest of my trip was history. It was so short but so beautiful. The pictures really do alot of the talking. I wish I wasn't into men that live on the other side of the world from me.... Now if fate reaaaaalllly worked- we'd make a way to see each other in the real world. haha. right. I WISH!!
On to the reality of things...............................
The last day was sad... everything started to sink in before we even left! Ollie (man I met) and I were crying about the great memories we had on the playa this year and how it's all ending. We thought about our futures and where they were heading... and then it was goodbye... I got all choked up and walked off only to run into all his friends I saw the night before. Everything about the man made me not want to leave him, including fate!!, but I knew I had to. And, boy, am I bad at goodbyes. I wish and hope and get lucky to see him someday soon...
Anyway, the packing was a drag... driving was a drag, especially since everyone smoked pot and passed out and couldn't drive which left me up to the task with a bunch of ol' love songs that I found to be great for karaoke one of these days soon... I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Thank god everyone was mostly sleeping - I hate how dumbfounded I get over men sometimes... So 24 hours, a few dips in the hot springs and a Mc Donald's trip later - WE ARRIVE!!!! It was 2 am and WOW. I have never felt so in AWE over a comfy, clean bed. I sunk into those right away and went on in my dreamy world with my playa boy friend. aweee...
The next day was filled with cleaning, laundry, vacuum, organizing, and then finally resting... we realized somewhere through the day that this house is about to be foreclosed. My dad stopped paying the bills, which means I need to find a place to live asap. As if I needed another packing trip. As sad as it is to leave this place, I am a big fan of new beginnings... I just hope it doesn't become a draggg.
Another cozy night goes by in my bed and still have those playa bugs flying in my stomach not wanting to face reality quite yet. Waking up the next morning was a bit more peaceful. I start off slow... catch up on emails finally- and facebook of course ... and what do ya know! I see Mr. Ollie on and start chatting with him... it's crushing to go from a touch to a screen but it was nice to hear from him to say the least... He missed me... I missed him... we discussed the reality of everything now that we're back in our own worlds... then we said our farewells and off to the day I go...
As I'm getting up to start my day... my sister comes storming into the room in tears - could hardly speak and then catches her breath to say that our grandfather, G-Pa, has shot himself dead. . . . great. As if my week could get any better. Without hesitation we agreed to get ready and head down to see G-Ma and help arrange everything with her... man, she was an absolute WRECK. Me and Ali were too... it was just a sad thing to see... tears all day - memories of my childhood flashing back from when we were so happy together. Then to hear all the horror and anger and disbelief of such a sudden traumatic incident... it was just unbearable. We were glad to be there for her though... who knows what she would have done.
We stayed the night there, slept a few hours then helped her get through her day (signed bills, went grocery shopping, etc..) We talked her through everything at least 5 times and told her to stay strong... She just was so pissed I don't think anything we could have said would have changed anything. She decided to see him before his cremation so we went to the funeral home... and I opened the door to see him. agh. what a sight. eyes discolored and bulging twice as big out of his face.... the blood from his brain had flowed right to the front and caused it to be that way. It was sick... she stroked his face and asked why several times... put her hands on his heart then slowly walked away... it wasn't a sight to be seen for more than a minute. I hope I don't have nightmares.... I've thought about it though. He'd had his stroke over 14 years ago, was so independent and strong to so helpless and weak... couldn't talk anymore and couldn't use the left side of his body. He had his brain though... I couldn't even begin to think how frustrating that would be. I am happy he's free from the agony though, even though it wasn't a natural way to go... I can just see him smiling and laughing walking freely with my mom somewhere up there....
Now, finally, after everything has been said and done... I'm home. I'm finally home. It's the weirdest feeling I have right now from such highs to the worst lows but I'm sure it will even out eventually... back to normal... where reality hits me when the dreams don't behave.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Pre-burner Summer Dreams
The next couple of days will be useless for me that doesn't involve what I'm about to experience in less than two weeks. I have completely devoured my thoughts on anticipating how my life will be. I'm re-living what burning man felt like for the first time last year in my head. I had become a new person with a new outlook on life and was no longer chained to reality's shackles. I felt like I could do anything and not be afraid anymore. Somewhere along the road last year I seemed to have lost that feeling because now as the burn is coming closer I can feel myself changing. I just can't freakin wait.
As for the last couple of months go, it's been quite nice. I really can't complain besides the fact that work has been kinda slow with the nice weather and all. I haven't been boating as much because I have done that nonstop, all summer long for the past three years and there are alot of other things about Seattle in the summer time that I haven't walked upon. I must say, I am alittle disappointed that I haven't been more active lately. No big hikes or long swims this summer. However, I did try rafting down the river the other day which was so much fun. I've been trying to keep my relationships minimized to just my close friends and no other randoms like that social butterfly I have been known to be in the past. I've been singing alot more. Something about being on stage and singing karaoke is just a blast for me. It's not really the attention I go after (however I can't lie I don't mind it) but its just the feeling of what all the musical artists talk about when they are up on stage. It's fun and fearless to me now. I love it.
I met a guy for the first time this summer. I have been going the whole summer with no sex, no kisses, not even an intimate touch. I chose to be that way though, without really knowing it. I don't really pursue guys I may be into when they are into me, and I just didn't want to bear the drama that seems to tag along to relationships that I've observed. So I stayed on the sidelines all summer, observing these bickering, gruesome fights that people call being a part of a relationship and went on with my single independence. Then out of no where, a young Israli man came to me with no fear and an endless amount of effort and persistence to get to know me better. I have kept my walls up and not shown near enough as much interest as he is showing me but he definitely is growing on me. I wonder why I get so closed off when someone tries to get so close? hmmmm... oh wait... now I know. hah.
Anton is coming back tomorrow HALLELUJAH!! Once he gets here, preparation for the burn is going to be bumped up a few notches that is for sure. We now have 10 people coming along to experience the burn with us and a sick camper van along with the astro van that will comfortably fit all of us in just fine. Oh man, I just can't wait to see the day.
Cheers to summer 2009
As for the last couple of months go, it's been quite nice. I really can't complain besides the fact that work has been kinda slow with the nice weather and all. I haven't been boating as much because I have done that nonstop, all summer long for the past three years and there are alot of other things about Seattle in the summer time that I haven't walked upon. I must say, I am alittle disappointed that I haven't been more active lately. No big hikes or long swims this summer. However, I did try rafting down the river the other day which was so much fun. I've been trying to keep my relationships minimized to just my close friends and no other randoms like that social butterfly I have been known to be in the past. I've been singing alot more. Something about being on stage and singing karaoke is just a blast for me. It's not really the attention I go after (however I can't lie I don't mind it) but its just the feeling of what all the musical artists talk about when they are up on stage. It's fun and fearless to me now. I love it.
I met a guy for the first time this summer. I have been going the whole summer with no sex, no kisses, not even an intimate touch. I chose to be that way though, without really knowing it. I don't really pursue guys I may be into when they are into me, and I just didn't want to bear the drama that seems to tag along to relationships that I've observed. So I stayed on the sidelines all summer, observing these bickering, gruesome fights that people call being a part of a relationship and went on with my single independence. Then out of no where, a young Israli man came to me with no fear and an endless amount of effort and persistence to get to know me better. I have kept my walls up and not shown near enough as much interest as he is showing me but he definitely is growing on me. I wonder why I get so closed off when someone tries to get so close? hmmmm... oh wait... now I know. hah.
Anton is coming back tomorrow HALLELUJAH!! Once he gets here, preparation for the burn is going to be bumped up a few notches that is for sure. We now have 10 people coming along to experience the burn with us and a sick camper van along with the astro van that will comfortably fit all of us in just fine. Oh man, I just can't wait to see the day.
Cheers to summer 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Time for an update.
wow...
The last couple months seemed to just roll on by, with a few detours of course. I have had a new sense of reality these days. Treat others how you want to be treated. Crazy huh? I swear someone told me this YEARS ago, but I'm finally putting this concept to use. I have been known to be impatient and tempermental with most people. It only took one smirk, one sly comment, or one useless point of advice to get right under my skin and set me off. Nowadays... well, I've lightened up I guess you can say. I want the people in my life to be in my life for a reason. I want to grow and prosper from the strength others give me and become all the possiblities of who I want to be. With that said, cheers to a whole new year of growth.
From Cali to Vegas to Vegas and Vegas yet again, it's time for Mikaela to take a new vacation. Will it be Maui? Perhaps. If not though, she can always touch up her roots a bit in good ole Minnesotah. I've decided... it's time to take an adventure with my changing outlook on how to live this damn life.
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to me.....
The last couple months seemed to just roll on by, with a few detours of course. I have had a new sense of reality these days. Treat others how you want to be treated. Crazy huh? I swear someone told me this YEARS ago, but I'm finally putting this concept to use. I have been known to be impatient and tempermental with most people. It only took one smirk, one sly comment, or one useless point of advice to get right under my skin and set me off. Nowadays... well, I've lightened up I guess you can say. I want the people in my life to be in my life for a reason. I want to grow and prosper from the strength others give me and become all the possiblities of who I want to be. With that said, cheers to a whole new year of growth.
From Cali to Vegas to Vegas and Vegas yet again, it's time for Mikaela to take a new vacation. Will it be Maui? Perhaps. If not though, she can always touch up her roots a bit in good ole Minnesotah. I've decided... it's time to take an adventure with my changing outlook on how to live this damn life.
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to me.....
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Never lend money to friends
New rule of thumb for me. I feel like a monster, like that angry landlord lady that wears the rollers in her hair with her night gown during the day time. Or like the sad monkey that was the the only one out of the bunch who didn't get a banana and had to watch all the other monkeys enjoy theirs right in front of him! I feel like the nice guy that went for the girl when she ended going for the a$$hole. I feel like a tall person in China. haha so... my point. I've been hounding my friends for the money that they have owed me for almost a year now. I'm sick of it and I can't stop thinking about it. It's practically ruined our close friendship! Not saying that there are other factors... They just don't get it. They're off saving money for trips and buying new I-phones and I'm sitting here wanting to rip my fucking hair out because it's like they don't even care. GREWAWER!! (yay I just made up a new word!)
It's not just the fact that they owe me money either. It's how they are dealing with it. They put it off and put it off when they know I want my money back. I don't know if I should annoy the shit out of them or just straight up befriend them and give up. I'm over it... I want them to respect me. Give me a date... stop walking all over me. Make me feel like I have loyal and reliable friends. But nope, this whole thing is driving all of us further and further apart like they don't care. In order to salvage what our friendship had they really need to pay me back. I want to become close with them like I once was but at the same time, why would I want to continue to be friends with these girls who have put me off and don't respect me? All I see on their faces is dollar signs!! It's frustrating and I hate it. I don't want to spend any further time thinking about it. I just think it's rude they way they are dealing with it... not once have they gone to me and said "hey mik, I know it's been a while since I've owed you money. I plan on paying you back though!! Here's how I plan on doing it "___" and I will pay by (this) date. I'm sorry I've put such a burden on you. I know you could really use the money bud"
If they said that to me every week, I wouldn't blow up like this but instead they let it boil up to the point where one little thing will just set me off! grrr... I'm tense. Frustrated. I need to let some steam out now... HELLO gym.
It's not just the fact that they owe me money either. It's how they are dealing with it. They put it off and put it off when they know I want my money back. I don't know if I should annoy the shit out of them or just straight up befriend them and give up. I'm over it... I want them to respect me. Give me a date... stop walking all over me. Make me feel like I have loyal and reliable friends. But nope, this whole thing is driving all of us further and further apart like they don't care. In order to salvage what our friendship had they really need to pay me back. I want to become close with them like I once was but at the same time, why would I want to continue to be friends with these girls who have put me off and don't respect me? All I see on their faces is dollar signs!! It's frustrating and I hate it. I don't want to spend any further time thinking about it. I just think it's rude they way they are dealing with it... not once have they gone to me and said "hey mik, I know it's been a while since I've owed you money. I plan on paying you back though!! Here's how I plan on doing it "___" and I will pay by (this) date. I'm sorry I've put such a burden on you. I know you could really use the money bud"
If they said that to me every week, I wouldn't blow up like this but instead they let it boil up to the point where one little thing will just set me off! grrr... I'm tense. Frustrated. I need to let some steam out now... HELLO gym.
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