First bitter kick in 2012

Today initially started off alright. Cozied up extra long with Cam, got a free brow wax, had lunch at Haley's work... and then I found myself struggling from there on out. Today, I learned that I can't take the first prerequisite to get in the Apparel Design program, which ultimately means I can't take the program at all until fall 2013. Ouch. Secondly, I called everyone in my life to lift my spirits up, maybe half of them answered, my sister included. I called her for just that, some uplifting support, her views, and maybe some baby burps and squeals but nope. First thing out of her mouth was, "Have you bought your ticket yet?" And when I said, "Not yet," she's laughs. I confront her and ask her why she's laughing and her response is, "Well, I just don't think you're ever going to come out here. That's all." I tell her not to see things so negatively and go on about staying positive and having a good heart about things and before I even finish, she's already hung up. I called her back a few minutes later because I know sometimes all she really needs is a few minutes to cool off and then she's alright but nope. No answer. ugh.

I try to shrug off the evening of disappointment but can't seem to shake it. Called my aunt, whose house my sister is staying at right now, and she was answered with mere excitement and what almost could have been mistaken for my mom she says, "Mikiiiiiiii! My miki!" I instantly got a sigh of relief. After I updated her about my life and she did with hers, I told her about my frustrations with stinkin booper butt and she told me "Ali can be Ali sometimes, you just can't tell her your thoughts because she'll hold them against you for some reason down the road." That made me feel a little better.

Cam doesn't really understand why I'm upset, even though I told him about everything today, and frankly he just decided to smoke a bong hit, throw back some beers with his buddies, and forget to even care. Can't blame him though. I tried to seem as normal as possible. Guess I did I good job.

My brother is having his own conflicts within himself to even notice or care what I have been up to. I've been trying to lift his spirits lately, but it just seems like I annoy him more than anything. ugh. And of course, he definitely doesn't fall short today when I would need him to confide with.

So I've resorted my ups and downs throughout the day to the one and only thing that consistently makes me feel better after I confide with it, writing. And I'm OK with that.

I've got plenty of endeavors coming my way this year, I've decided. 1, being the start of a whole new profession and product - Electric assist bicycles. I'm definitely excited to learn and grow from this opportunity to run a shop and sell a product I truly believe and know that the customer will not be ripped off. 2, I am still exploring my relationship with my boyfriend and plan on traveling and enjoying this summer with him as much as possible. 3, I would like to see if I can get some more modeling in this year and, in order to do that, I plan on spending some quality time exercising myself to get in better shape - 4. And the obvious 5, I honestly don't quite have the finances to support this time-consuming program. Oh and 6, who knows the world just might end and I don't want to be stuck in school wondering how I could've spent my last days on earth. HAH!

So a big fat OH WELL and see you next year Apparel Design Program at SCC! If it's really a career meant for me and I'm still interested nine months from now, it is meant to be. As my friend Kristen just said, "Obviously you were not meant to take this program this year, you have so many other things going on anyway." And as for you Ali, you big pouting brat, I'll see you next month. I'll find a way.

Off to see, what could most likely be, one of the most horrible movies in 2012, The Devil Inside. But hey, at least I can say I sat in a movie theatre in 2012. Can you tell me you have? Yeah sure...

Too into the moment.

I just don't know.

My mind at this point is completely messed up. One day, I'm in one direction - hating men and being all my single ladies' best friend. Then the next, I'm trapped in my own emotions and I want more. Some days, I wonder what my mother would do. Some days, I just lay over the mess and stop caring.

I'm lucky. I have my charm and goofiness, but also physical attraction. I never thought I would end up being this way. I can choose who I want to be with. I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. But, how do I know it's right? How can I pour all my feelings in one person or even career for the rest of my life, when I know it could be better, more satisfying elsewhere. I've watched it all before my own eyes. I've experienced it. I'm afraid. I'm tainted and a little jaded. I want it but I want it the right way. Hence why I must play the field for my own damn good. My brother tells me that men will come and go in my life; they waste my time. Maybe he's right. But maybe, it's too late.

Summer is here. Times are getting more distracting. Burning man is becoming more of a priority and all I really want to do right now is work hard, make money so that by the end of the summer, I can live again. My dreams are those that don't require most of my awake life in front of a screen, working a nine to five. My dreams ache for something more... something that requires depth, growth, and exotic opportunities..

The time of my life is NOW.