Let's talk sex, kids.

One thing I'd like to wrap my head around and come to terms with is sexuality. And I'm not talking about the graphic details of what it's all about. I'm merely fascinated with how one person can attract you sexually.

Most of my childhood was very healthy. I was your cliche playful, teasing, goofy, innocent -not to mention gangly- little girl that was always finding new adventures. As I turned into a young woman, hormones were rising and became something I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't comfortable in those giddy crushing situations. Most people at that age could relate right? Well, I just so happened to be completely awkward and repellent in those situations. Every time a guy would lay eyes on me, I'd figit and look around to see if I was surely the one he was looking at.

As time went on, I realized I was growing out of my awkward stage and was getting a lot of attention just by my looks. I liked the attention... at first. I felt like I was a hot commodity and someone that you'd be lucky to be with. Egotism got the best of me lets just say.

As further time went on, I started to become more aware of my intelligence and how I wanted to project myself and started to become more conservative, less flirty. Almost as if I had it out for guys, I was a strong-minded woman. I didn't take any more pick-up lines and found myself being rude to guys just because I assumed they wanted to get in my pants. This stage didn't last long.

As a little more time went on, I was lonely. A lot of my friends got into relationships and I was stuck living the single life. I started becoming more open to men, however I still had my shield on, knowing that most men were up to no good with a girl like me. I struggled trying to make flings last, and the few that did - push forward into a relationship. I soon realized then, that I didn't want to compromise this one precious life that I had. I don't like feeling set back or compromised into a life someone else wants for me. I want to live my OWN life.

Then I started exploring. I became interested in just about everything: traveling, people, stories, cultures, men and women. I wanted to see how other people lived that was different from mine. What grew on me was my attraction towards women, especially the ones that struggled with being a piece of meat towards men. AKA the pretty girls. As time went on, I found myself not only attracted physically towards men, but also women.

I don't feel like I've thoroughly explored that facet in my life, but I'm open to the idea lets just say. Women provide something that men cannot and that is no games. Most girls that I've connected with are usually very upfront, open, no bullshit type of chicks. I'm not saying that all women don't play games, just the more lesbian ones. It's comforting and refreshing to be able to have less pressure and tension and be real and raw and whatever makes you you. I'm not going to lie, I don't think I'll ever be a full-on lesbo, I don't even think I'm bisexual at this point; just bicurious. I do have a thing for men, and that's just it: MEN, Not boys. Not those that play games and throw me in vicious cycles of irrelevant arguments and drama, all based off of jealousy and decisions I make. Blah, screw that.

So, as it still stands, I am single but I've found myself falling closer and closer to better people. Ones that captivate me and might even be one day, Mikaela's... boyfriend (or girlfriend). AH! =)

Adventures Adventures, MORE Adventures =)

Picking up from where I started off... hahahaaaaaa

Getting my ish together is quite demanding of myself when I've been caught up in such a good time. I have never felt so FREE in my life. It's like I really did find that meadow in the middle of no where, spread my arms and my smile and ran around underneath the sun. I've been climbing up beautiful mountains, seen crazy shooting stars, jumped off some rocks into the ocean, ran around in circles until I fell (in a handicap parking spot have you mind), played hide'n'seek in the forest, played tag in the middle of the dance floor. I haven't played dadgeball on a trampoline yet but it's bound to happen at some point. I saw Where the Wild Things Are - which I adored. I feel like that kid. Hasn't found herself quite yet and needs to shake it out and wander for a while but am on the verge of coming up with something big. I went to my brother today and asked him "What's next? How do I follow this crazy two month rollercoaster I've been on?" My brother then asked me, "what meaning and value do you want to make in your life. Whatever that is, you should strive to make it happen... now."

Now the real question - that million dollar question that I always find a different answer to, just to answer the question: What is it that I want to do? What direction do I want to go? Where would I be most beneficial in this life??

Yikes. Those questions scare me.

I've thought of a few ideas... ones that can be easily followed with just the right dose of focus and ambition. School- I want to go back and finish my degree in PR or International Business - but where? Seattle seems too obvious. I'm too big of a fish in this small pond anyway. I feel like if I went that route, everything would follow afterwards. I wouldn't need that much of direction as I would figure out what I like and don't like along the way. On the side I was thinking, why not start my own business? I always wanted to have my own fashion line. I have a few new items in mind that aren't out on the market, as much as it should be at least, that I could fabricate into something great. Also, I would love to be a party planner. I always think of dope ideas for friends and after being where I've been I don't doubt that I could be pretty good at it. haha.

All I know that my future entails at this point is PEOPLE. I'm in love with everyone I talk to. I love hearing what people have to say; genuinely hearing them out. Everyone is so different, god knows I am, and I am just fascinated what it is that some people have that I don't, whether it be physical qualities, personality traits, etc. Also, I love seeing people happy. I don't want to be no shrink or FBI agent. I want to make lives better with situations that aren't that extreme. I want open-minded people, coachable, dependable people in my life. Also, ones that are willing to push the envelope alittle more than what they are used to. I am of course, a thrill seeker. This brings me to my next point...

So after all that happened after burning man, things have gotten crazier, if that can be possible. I quit JBay!! No more shady boss, bad hours, poor money, disrespect. The next day I took a flight out to AZ to see my brother. I thought, screw it. If I'm going all out, I mind as well road trip it with my brother, and he welcomed me with open arms. The following weeks became quite an adventure. From Phoenix to San Diego for their decompression, then back to Phoenix for more madness. The following weekend, we hit up LA for a crazy, "invite only," party that we caught ourselves in exactly one year prior. Then we went BACK to Phoenix to tie up some loose ends just to find ourselves back in San Diego one last time for Halloween. Madness I tell you. It was probably one of the best times of my life. I met possibly the coolest, most positive, energetic people in SD. They got us turning around our traveling plans to make a magical Halloween weekend I'll never forget. From warehouse parties to fire spinnin to swimmin at 6 am ... aww they were like candy in the food chain. After Halloween, we made our way to Vegas for the SEMA car show convention. That is where I met Forrest. He's a 'drifter' professional driver. From there, I got him to come visit Seattle for a few days and then I went with him to his home town for a week. Just so happened that he grew up in Hawaii!!!!! oh baby. And not only that, we were there the weekend the Hawaii Decompression was going on. Haha what are the odds. It was a glorious week. Beautiful views, amazing fruits, great weather. Couldn't get much better in Mid-november.

Back to the point I was making, now that I've caught up on my crazy month: the people. I am not quite a big fan of being set back. I really do either go big or go home, thrill seeker. Well, Forrest isn't... at all. Very chill hawaiian dude set in his ways. So after cruisin with him for over a week and a half, I'm glad that I'm home. Granted, I'm not some crazy party animal. I just don't like sitting around! Take me somewhere... Anything that feels like an adventure, I'm in. Just sitting around watching TV when I'm in Hawaii though is just not my cup of tea. I liked him but it would only get conflicting if I held onto it any longer. He's a small person i.e. one that is not willing to leave his comfort zone because he's still a little boy who is insecure. =) wow I'm harsh.

Anyway, I gotta get my move on for a night out on the town with my brother finally! Gosh feels good to be back.

Later thoughts.

Reality sinks in... Finally

I hate to admit it, but it's looking like I have finally accepted that my pathetic life is real and I'm not in la la land anymore. Ok, maybe I'm still bitter.

I haven't even talked or hung out with any of my friends since I've been home. I really just want to keep to myself and family and stay under the radar for a while. I think that will be best for me. And look, with all this alone time and writing time, I'm actually starting to dig the surface of my purpose on this earth!

Last night was interesting... to say the least! I never thought Monday nights could be so crazy but of course I would find a way one of these days. My brother, my friend Dylan and I went to a Burning Man gathering to discuss the events of last week and share some of our experiences of a magically week. Meh, it was alright... bunch of nerds with goofy opinions on everything but I didn't mind... it was entertaining to say the least. Then afterwards, my brother and I continue sharing our thoughts at the Cha Cha and then make our way to the Moe bar - which got packed! Not to mention, Joel -my first actual boyfriend- was bartending at. After about an hour in, he gets off work and starts drinking and hanging out. We head over to another bar together and start flirting like old times, thank you drunken natures. Keep in mind, Joel has a girlfriend. Maybe it was me being selfish or him being too weak to just go home, but things started getting... close. As the bar was closing down, Joel invited me back to his place. At that moment, I actually told him that I could just take off with my brother and that I didn't have to go back with him. I'm not one to be the home-wrecker and I still had some frame of mind to observe the situation brought to hand. He goes on by telling me it's ok and that he missed me. aghh... here we go again. Our drunk a$$es make it back to his apartment and the rest was history. After all was said and done, he admitted he'd felt guilty. I don't blame him. I missed the guy so much and what we used to be that I wasn't strong enough to just walk away. We both decided after this point on, night encounters are no longer. I left early the next morning and spent the rest of the day with my brother.

Aghhh... I think that morning that i wake up, hungover might I add, I realized then that I need to start getting my shit together. Reality sucks... unless you want to make the best times of your life possible, you have to get through all the hard times. If only I could find a way around them...

Later this evening, my brother and I when to an entrepreneurial seminar and it got my mind into thinking, why don't I just start my own thing?? I don't think my destiny involves following someone elses' orders and I'm not meant for a 9-5 desk job so why not? Ideas are bouncing around in my head trying to make something of it. I was thinking or having my own banquet service for companies, families and friends and make those good moments last. Man, I would absolutely love a job like that.

yikes... I have so many things to write about but i'm afraid I'm going to use the keyboard as my pillow in a few minutes unless I wrap this up quick..

I will be back =)

And I thought Burning Man was hard to explain.

Let's just say I'm completely shattered... mentally, emotionally and physically at this point. I know its damn early in the morning but I can't sleep now... not with this much pain. After a lame first night at work, I leave around midnight to meet up with my brother in Seattle. We hit up an after party which was kickin. Great music, lots of burners and alcohol served after 2. Man, I couldn't really ask for more. After a few shots of ta kill ya... I was starting to feel amped up. Since coming back from the playa I haven't felt 100% you could say, so I've been trying to test my abilities into getting back up to par.

I have tested those abilities too early tonight.

So I start easing my way into dancing on the dance floor and start hoppin around. I could feel the old me coming back as the music was pumping through my veins and allowing my body to move. ooo wait... I felt striking pain in my knee and started working my way out of the dancing scene. The more I started walking to sit, the intensity of the pain increased drastically. As I finally managed to find somewhere to rest, all I could express was the lightning strike of pain that was flowing through my knees (and still is). I started rocking back and forth and massaging my knees but the more attention I brought to them, the more it hurt. There finally came a point where I couldn't feel anything but the incredible amount of pain that I felt was being injected into my knees. I couldn't do anything but cry at that point. My friend came over and was practically nursing me in my paralized condition but I was trying to tough it out. I didn't want to be that weak girl that couldn't pull through. Everything else was there, I was headache-free, puke-free, healthy and stable throughout everywhere else in my body but the excrusiating pain from my knees buckling underneath me.

We got out of the hot and sweaty dance floor to outside where the pain seemed to still be getting worse. I was crying like a baby at this point. I couldn't stop it hurt so much. My poor friend, Dylan, didn't know what to do but to kiss it and ask around for ice. A young man came by and gave me some pain killers which was nice... and after about a half hour I was finally feeling better.

I have never felt this kind of pain in my knees before. Never felt so helpless and in so much throbbing pain. I feel like my leg has been disconnected and is working itself back together again.

I am in hell and I just want this misery to end!!!! Haven't I already had a good dose of reality already?!?!? Take me back to where life was simple and I was healthy... please. hah.

Whiplash of Events / Perma Burn Thoughts.

Ok so I'm not going to lie I'm alittle ticked off... I just was about to post the most magnificent blog I've ever written and then all the sudden my computer crashed. RAR. But since it was so amazing, I will not look at the time and make a tribute to the best blog in the world.


FIRST OFF, I need to discuss Burning Man for the future me who becomes older and most likely more structured so I can look back on the best days of my crazy life. Yes, Burning Man baby is what I'm talking about. Explaining this mind-blowing, life-altering experience is practically impossible so hence the pictures... which hardly do enough justice either. Oh well, onward. Burning man this year was unlike last year, in a way that it brought more value and staying power than just a crazy wild experience. I never really grasped what BM was all about last year until the end. Then what did I do? Ventured all throughout southern California for three months without a worry in the world or a schedule to live by. I couldn't stand the thought of going home to that routine and seemingly unfulfilled life I had back home. So now this year brought another perspective to mind. How to really become that innovative person and make a difference in this world an also bring value. Finding that one thing that will keep me working might be hard but I'm more ambitious to go out and look, even if it takes leaving the country and going out on my own to explore the possibilities, I'll do it. Whatever it takes. I'm going big and not coming back home this time. There are so many damn blogs I've written about how my life isn't fulfilling enough and how I'm not making anything of myself. Pretty much just how utterly pathetic I am for not finishing school and moving on towards a career to dink around with for the rest of my life. But then what? What will that fulfill... the average Americans' dream? FUCK that. I need stimulation and passion otherwise I'm just not there. Now I just have to put all this energy into something palpable and reachable. My mind is literally exploding right about now. (I think I like this version better already...)




Anyway, so these pictures are just a few of whats out there and what it's all about. It's all about what people have to contribute and to just give a piece of who they are to Burning Man. It could be a bumpin' Art Car, to a massive structure, to a dancing dome with world known DJ's spinning beats, to the hottest bar on the playa. Things that I've never thought of before I'll find there... that's the beauty of it. The most talented and creative people on playa exist there and I get a chance to go EVERY YEAR! You mind as well call me a die hard burner now.... I'm never stopping. Hell, I'll probably meet my future husband there someday... speaking of.... ;-)

I was on fire the first couple days I first stepped my uncracked, unbruised, moistened feet onto the playa... but then... I started dancing and I couldn't really stop. Seriously... I sometimes don't realize I can dance so much and so well until I'm out there on the playa. Anyway, the second night... lets just say my feet have already done enough dancing for the year but I still kept goin. It was around 4-5 am and my whole camp is no where around (probably back at camp sleeping) and I'm still goin on the dance floor. I go to the last club that's close to home and see this handsome, young guy dancing with the same energy as me. I was feelin' it and was vibing off of him. Next thing you know we're chatting up a storm on the dance floor. Then, we find our way to the bar and talk a bit more, which turned into making out and cuddling into the daylight. It was lovely... however, I didn't think it would turn out to be so easy to find him after that. I leave later thinking we'd may or may not see each other later. Throughout the day, he had crossed my mind and I'd hope to see him but knowing Mikaela, I don't let men consume my thoughts and plus there were SO many things to see I was in my own la la land. So, I'm out with my brother and crew dancing like crazy and all the sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder and of course it's fucking him! I was stoked and his eyes were wide open in disbelief and ended up having a magnificent rest of the night together. The next day same thing happens, except we said we'd meet later at the Pink Mammoth camp. No time really just at some point... I let the whole afternoon go by before I felt the urge to go to this camp and find him. Two minutes in, there he is walking in with the exact same intentions to find me. The evening was beautiful on a lovely art car. We easily met up again later after I prepped for the night, which turned out to be even better than the last. The next day just got weird... I was waiting for my neighbor chick, ashleigh who is also from london... haha course, to piss and along comes him and his two friends on their bikes and just happened to ride by... out of 50,000 people?? I couldn't make anything of it... it was just an amazing feeling that the call of fate really brought us together. I started to fall in love after that and the rest of my trip was history. It was so short but so beautiful. The pictures really do alot of the talking. I wish I wasn't into men that live on the other side of the world from me.... Now if fate reaaaaalllly worked- we'd make a way to see each other in the real world. haha. right. I WISH!!

On to the reality of things...............................




The last day was sad... everything started to sink in before we even left! Ollie (man I met) and I were crying about the great memories we had on the playa this year and how it's all ending. We thought about our futures and where they were heading... and then it was goodbye... I got all choked up and walked off only to run into all his friends I saw the night before. Everything about the man made me not want to leave him, including fate!!, but I knew I had to. And, boy, am I bad at goodbyes. I wish and hope and get lucky to see him someday soon...




Anyway, the packing was a drag... driving was a drag, especially since everyone smoked pot and passed out and couldn't drive which left me up to the task with a bunch of ol' love songs that I found to be great for karaoke one of these days soon... I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Thank god everyone was mostly sleeping - I hate how dumbfounded I get over men sometimes... So 24 hours, a few dips in the hot springs and a Mc Donald's trip later - WE ARRIVE!!!! It was 2 am and WOW. I have never felt so in AWE over a comfy, clean bed. I sunk into those right away and went on in my dreamy world with my playa boy friend. aweee...




The next day was filled with cleaning, laundry, vacuum, organizing, and then finally resting... we realized somewhere through the day that this house is about to be foreclosed. My dad stopped paying the bills, which means I need to find a place to live asap. As if I needed another packing trip. As sad as it is to leave this place, I am a big fan of new beginnings... I just hope it doesn't become a draggg.




Another cozy night goes by in my bed and still have those playa bugs flying in my stomach not wanting to face reality quite yet. Waking up the next morning was a bit more peaceful. I start off slow... catch up on emails finally- and facebook of course ... and what do ya know! I see Mr. Ollie on and start chatting with him... it's crushing to go from a touch to a screen but it was nice to hear from him to say the least... He missed me... I missed him... we discussed the reality of everything now that we're back in our own worlds... then we said our farewells and off to the day I go...

As I'm getting up to start my day... my sister comes storming into the room in tears - could hardly speak and then catches her breath to say that our grandfather, G-Pa, has shot himself dead. . . . great. As if my week could get any better. Without hesitation we agreed to get ready and head down to see G-Ma and help arrange everything with her... man, she was an absolute WRECK. Me and Ali were too... it was just a sad thing to see... tears all day - memories of my childhood flashing back from when we were so happy together. Then to hear all the horror and anger and disbelief of such a sudden traumatic incident... it was just unbearable. We were glad to be there for her though... who knows what she would have done.


We stayed the night there, slept a few hours then helped her get through her day (signed bills, went grocery shopping, etc..) We talked her through everything at least 5 times and told her to stay strong... She just was so pissed I don't think anything we could have said would have changed anything. She decided to see him before his cremation so we went to the funeral home... and I opened the door to see him. agh. what a sight. eyes discolored and bulging twice as big out of his face.... the blood from his brain had flowed right to the front and caused it to be that way. It was sick... she stroked his face and asked why several times... put her hands on his heart then slowly walked away... it wasn't a sight to be seen for more than a minute. I hope I don't have nightmares.... I've thought about it though. He'd had his stroke over 14 years ago, was so independent and strong to so helpless and weak... couldn't talk anymore and couldn't use the left side of his body. He had his brain though... I couldn't even begin to think how frustrating that would be. I am happy he's free from the agony though, even though it wasn't a natural way to go... I can just see him smiling and laughing walking freely with my mom somewhere up there....




Now, finally, after everything has been said and done... I'm home. I'm finally home. It's the weirdest feeling I have right now from such highs to the worst lows but I'm sure it will even out eventually... back to normal... where reality hits me when the dreams don't behave.

Pre-burner Summer Dreams

The next couple of days will be useless for me that doesn't involve what I'm about to experience in less than two weeks. I have completely devoured my thoughts on anticipating how my life will be. I'm re-living what burning man felt like for the first time last year in my head. I had become a new person with a new outlook on life and was no longer chained to reality's shackles. I felt like I could do anything and not be afraid anymore. Somewhere along the road last year I seemed to have lost that feeling because now as the burn is coming closer I can feel myself changing. I just can't freakin wait.

As for the last couple of months go, it's been quite nice. I really can't complain besides the fact that work has been kinda slow with the nice weather and all. I haven't been boating as much because I have done that nonstop, all summer long for the past three years and there are alot of other things about Seattle in the summer time that I haven't walked upon. I must say, I am alittle disappointed that I haven't been more active lately. No big hikes or long swims this summer. However, I did try rafting down the river the other day which was so much fun. I've been trying to keep my relationships minimized to just my close friends and no other randoms like that social butterfly I have been known to be in the past. I've been singing alot more. Something about being on stage and singing karaoke is just a blast for me. It's not really the attention I go after (however I can't lie I don't mind it) but its just the feeling of what all the musical artists talk about when they are up on stage. It's fun and fearless to me now. I love it.

I met a guy for the first time this summer. I have been going the whole summer with no sex, no kisses, not even an intimate touch. I chose to be that way though, without really knowing it. I don't really pursue guys I may be into when they are into me, and I just didn't want to bear the drama that seems to tag along to relationships that I've observed. So I stayed on the sidelines all summer, observing these bickering, gruesome fights that people call being a part of a relationship and went on with my single independence. Then out of no where, a young Israli man came to me with no fear and an endless amount of effort and persistence to get to know me better. I have kept my walls up and not shown near enough as much interest as he is showing me but he definitely is growing on me. I wonder why I get so closed off when someone tries to get so close? hmmmm... oh wait... now I know. hah.

Anton is coming back tomorrow HALLELUJAH!! Once he gets here, preparation for the burn is going to be bumped up a few notches that is for sure. We now have 10 people coming along to experience the burn with us and a sick camper van along with the astro van that will comfortably fit all of us in just fine. Oh man, I just can't wait to see the day.

Cheers to summer 2009

Time for an update.

wow...

The last couple months seemed to just roll on by, with a few detours of course. I have had a new sense of reality these days. Treat others how you want to be treated. Crazy huh? I swear someone told me this YEARS ago, but I'm finally putting this concept to use. I have been known to be impatient and tempermental with most people. It only took one smirk, one sly comment, or one useless point of advice to get right under my skin and set me off. Nowadays... well, I've lightened up I guess you can say. I want the people in my life to be in my life for a reason. I want to grow and prosper from the strength others give me and become all the possiblities of who I want to be. With that said, cheers to a whole new year of growth.

From Cali to Vegas to Vegas and Vegas yet again, it's time for Mikaela to take a new vacation. Will it be Maui? Perhaps. If not though, she can always touch up her roots a bit in good ole Minnesotah. I've decided... it's time to take an adventure with my changing outlook on how to live this damn life.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to me.....

Never lend money to friends

New rule of thumb for me. I feel like a monster, like that angry landlord lady that wears the rollers in her hair with her night gown during the day time. Or like the sad monkey that was the the only one out of the bunch who didn't get a banana and had to watch all the other monkeys enjoy theirs right in front of him! I feel like the nice guy that went for the girl when she ended going for the a$$hole. I feel like a tall person in China. haha so... my point. I've been hounding my friends for the money that they have owed me for almost a year now. I'm sick of it and I can't stop thinking about it. It's practically ruined our close friendship! Not saying that there are other factors... They just don't get it. They're off saving money for trips and buying new I-phones and I'm sitting here wanting to rip my fucking hair out because it's like they don't even care. GREWAWER!! (yay I just made up a new word!)

It's not just the fact that they owe me money either. It's how they are dealing with it. They put it off and put it off when they know I want my money back. I don't know if I should annoy the shit out of them or just straight up befriend them and give up. I'm over it... I want them to respect me. Give me a date... stop walking all over me. Make me feel like I have loyal and reliable friends. But nope, this whole thing is driving all of us further and further apart like they don't care. In order to salvage what our friendship had they really need to pay me back. I want to become close with them like I once was but at the same time, why would I want to continue to be friends with these girls who have put me off and don't respect me? All I see on their faces is dollar signs!! It's frustrating and I hate it. I don't want to spend any further time thinking about it. I just think it's rude they way they are dealing with it... not once have they gone to me and said "hey mik, I know it's been a while since I've owed you money. I plan on paying you back though!! Here's how I plan on doing it "___" and I will pay by (this) date. I'm sorry I've put such a burden on you. I know you could really use the money bud"

If they said that to me every week, I wouldn't blow up like this but instead they let it boil up to the point where one little thing will just set me off! grrr... I'm tense. Frustrated. I need to let some steam out now... HELLO gym.

JBay's

A place where you can take your family on a pleasant and peaceful dinner with excellent service.. oh and did I mention those "hot chicks!" Man, they sure do know how to make theirs tips with such a "sausage fest!"

I just read a few reviews of this new bar I work at. It kind of left me with a sour taste. Every restaurant presents an image to display and set an environment for the patrons so that they know what they are coming into. You can go to the Purple Cafe and taste great wine and enjoy an intimate dinner as the piano plays, with the staff dressed very plain and simple. You can go to a dive bar, such as Bishops and play music on the jute box, while playing pool or throwing darts with a casually dressed bar staff. You can go to Joey's where you can enjoy fine dining or watch sports in the lounge with a formally dressed cocktail waitressing staff. Or you can go to a small bar in Juanita called JBay's where the upscale atmosphere and an upbeat environment is mixed in with a very attractive wait staff that won't only just serve you but genuinely get to you know as well. Yeah sometime we slip in a shot or two but it ultimately makes working fun and exciting, especially for returning patrons. Now, I've been all over southern California, and taking shots with paying customers while working is a norm. I saw it happen all time, almost in every bar I went to. I thought to myself, "If I were to do that in any of my other waitressing jobs in WA I would have gotten fired on the spot for it." So finally landing a job where I can do that was very shocking, but made it such a fun time to work as well. I'm not trying to justify drinking on the job, but if customers are paying for you to take a shot with them, why not a one or two in a night? As long as you continue to do your job without sounding or looking drunk, I say WHY NOT. What's the harm people? One review came out recently and here is what it said:

"As much as I would like to say good things about this place, I can't! I use to go there all the time before this "reopening". I will say this they have dramatically improved the interior ascetic of the place. It's very nice compared to the great dive bar it once was. I would say the food is still great, if I can remember right the menu seems to be almost the same, with a couple of additions. I will say this too, the servers in there very short and tight attire do a wonderful job of taking care of the guests. which also makes this place a complete "sausage fest"! Guys you know what I am talking about. The problem I have with this place is a big one, I am no dummy as to what goes on, especially right in front of my table. There are certain transaction taking place right in the middle of the bar and constant trips to the bathrooms in this bar. Owners going behind the bar and helping them selves to liquor and pouring their own drinks and doing it quite often I might add that, and the staff doing there fair share of shots as well. Everyone knows everyone there, so I give this place 6 months before it goes down, and they wonder where all the booze went. This place could have been great!"

This guy really had some sort of a jealousy issue to start bashing at the place the way he did. Everyone knows everyone? Ok, so are you just the outsider that feels like he doesn't fit in so that it's ok that you can post dirt on a new place? Get real here. No one wants to hear your sob story about how you think the attractive wait staff and owners that hang out with their friends at the bar (which I don't see anything wrong with) is such a bad thing. And the shady transactions at the bar? That's just pushing the envelope WAY too far. I've never seen that happen since I've worked there and I know no one that works at JBay's would be stupid and pathetic enough to do drug deals at the bar... Thats absolutely ridiculous. And are you stalking people by watching how many times they go to the bathroom? "he was just in the bathroom a half hour ago, you think he's doing something shady?" Sounds like a recovering drug addict and socially challenged individual we're dealing with! Agh, I needed to get that out.

As much as I stand up for JBay's, I do find it alittle superficial but it's worth dealing with when there are always nights where there is a packed house and an perpetual amount of fun floating in the air.

Pondering moment.

It's funny how life works sometimes.

For so long I never saw the world around me; I just saw myself in it. I would be right in that moment, but I would never take a step outside of it and see it for what it's worth. I now look at all my experiences and the pasts I have created with random people and nod my head. I'm satisfied with them, but not anxious to make more of it anymore I guess. I suppose I'm just looking, or maybe limited to what I really want in my life, whatever that may be. Life was so simple at one point for me, and then one day it turned. I no longer had that close-knit group of friends. Life just kept moving, as much as I wanted it to just freeze in that one moment. I've had so many experiences like that. I never wanted it to end. But now I know that all good things must end. I am alone from start to finish, no matter how much I wish to repent against it. I am essentially nothing, with the possibility of anything and everything I want to be. I hate to be deputy downer, but that's the reality of it, right? Naturally, I always wanted to forget that factor and fixate myself in another situation so that I can freeze in that moment of contentment, but reality always has its' ways and always crashes down on me. As I realize that, I crave for a new experience to brighten my day. Something to take me away and give depth and value for what my life is worth. I'm not saying that it has to be someone, but maybe something. A new start, a new path, a new direction, a new life could do just fine. However, a single person could just do the trick. I suppose the word I'm looking for is stability. I love the thought of being a team, and knowing that we're all not in this alone, as much as I know it's so true. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.

sigh... time to sleep.

Staying strong in 2009

As my head is banging like a wood pecker to a tree, my throat is sore like I've been choked, and my body is randomly aching everywhere like someone is poking a needle in a doll and I'm facing the reprocutions, I write.

I hate to write only negative notes which seems to be the trend these days, so I'll try to be positive in this one.

Life recently hasn't been all that bad. I'm finally getting myself back on my feet [despite being flu-like at the present moment] and I'm finding myself around people that I really enjoy for who they are. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but for a time it seemed like I was around people that didn't help me grow as a person and influence me positively. So that's good. I guess a new year calls for a new beginning, a page turned, a new life.

I look back on my california trip, and recall the differences in my life it has brought. For one, I now am alittle more grown up. I now can define myself in a new way, since afterall it did bring out another side of me. I saw how life can really be so simple if you let it. I learned how to just be, and be content with knowing that. I figured out, even further, what I am looking for. And I finally had the courage to say goodbye to some of my friends. Well, it's easier typed than done of course. Being away, creating distance from people that were constantly in your life is what I meant. The funny thing is, now that I'm home I still don't really see them all as much. A group that was so close-knit, always going out together and causing chaos is now broken. It's like they knew I didn't just physically distance myself from them, but mentally as well. That is definitely evident. And all the while, nothing really was even said. Just felt. I gotta say, I have never felt so good being alone.

People are funny beings... I thought I needed to be surrounded by them at every waking moment, which don't get me wrong, I do still surround myself around people alot. Just not as often, mostly for work purposes. Who do I gotta impress anyway? I am perfectly fine being alone. Away from any kind of hurt a person could bear upon me. You know, the kind of hurt that only supports anguish, resentment, regrets, vulnerability, dependency, distrust, drama, distress, complications, etc. I'm not saying that this could all change. I just don't expect or crave anything anymore. I just let it happen when it happens, I've decided. Whether people want to be in my life or not, I'm just going to live it the best way I know how. Cheers to 2009! Man, I hope this year is gonna be avengeful...

Write more later after this sickness subsides.

Unfulfillment leaking through.

I find myself screaming in the inside alot, mostly out of frustration. Sometimes I just wish things and people just came to me without all the stupid games and obstacles you have to go through in order to figure it out. I have noticed I have a "f-it" personality right now. Not that I meant to have it, it just came naturally. It seems like the right thing to do is so hard to find, and the wrong thing to do is written everywhere. It's so easy to make a mistake than to make someone proud. My personality has been so vulnerable throughout the last couple years. I was bound to fall into those deviant, wrong-willed tendencies that society has handed to me on a platter. I have so many dreams and I am always thinking of something to make of myself, but how do I make that next step? I want to do it right so bad, but I'm so foriegn to the knowledge of getting there. I think I just called myself dumb, but unfortunately that may be the case.

I WANT TO SCREAM SO HARD!!! I want to rip my hair out and flip the bird to the world. I'm going crazier by the minute. I can feel it under my fingertips. I just want to be ME but I feel like it's practically impossible with the life I've set up for myself. I know I'm different than everyone I surround myself with. I think I'm finding out now that they're not just as different than everyone else. In fact, they're all the same. I'm the black sheep that doesn't know it's way right? Why couldn't i have just been a bear, or perhaps a cougar, maybe a wolverine? I think I would have done much better for myself in the wild.

Games... Who needs them?

I just had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine. We were discussing a trend that we've been seeing out there lately, especially with the early 20's genre out there. We started discussing how one mutual friend in particular has such low self esteem. Once a guy comes into the picture, she will get her poor head wrapped tightly around his game and appear to be defenseless, helpless, and desperate. Now I've tried to talk some sense into her but she doesn't seem to get it. She is absolutely gorgeous, yet she seems to be lacking in the brains... and that is typically how it is. The prettier you are, the more attention you get for your looks more than anything else and the lower self-esteem that follows. It is terribly sad, but it has became very true to me. I have now realized that I'm am one, damn fine sexy specimen in this world. Never did I think that was the case before but I have come to that realization with the effortless royalty treatment that I get just for being me. I liked it at first. Hell yeah, I milked it for a long time, I still do! Here is the thing, I am over it now... I see further than that. I see that guys only treated me good (buying me drinks, taking me out on dates, giving me $$ for no reason!) because I was hot. That's IT?! Naively, I somehow thought that they actually like me for ME and not just my looks... but that's just the case. I miss those innocent feelings and natural giddy highs that you get from a crush. It has all in translated in the last five years of me growing up, that most of a males incentive is to get in my pants. So what does a girl do at this stage in her life?

Well, I've tried reacting in many ways. One was becoming quite a bitch. I brushed away most guys that portrayed interest in me. I became a feminist in all ways. I trained my female friends to stay strong and on top with their relationships and not give in to their vulnerability. Unfortunately, I realized I had to give in at some point. I like men, pleasing them, making them happy with no complaints. So I found myself going down the other route. I put on my cute, innocent face and let guys pamper me. I liked it, but ultimately I knew it wasn't going to work for me. I had that one thought in my head, "they are only pampering me because they want me in their bed" ... I started feeling bad for those that invested their precious money on me, in hopes of winning the fine prize of taking me 'home,' when I had no intention of going home with them from the beginning. Terrible I am right? Well, I just played the game that was being played to me. I was only being fair and teaching lessons to dick-driven men out there.

So how am I now? I have surrendered to the game. I have lost my ambition to cause more drama than is necessary. I am now just a girl to lays it down simple and straight. I hang out with guys who are interested in me, only because I have the same feelings towards them. Treat me right, and I'll give you the time of day. However, if that special guy chooses to disappoint me, I will lost interest. That game doesn't work with me anymore like it does with some girls. You know, the game where guys think that they can be assholes because it makes women flawk to them more and go crazy. No, not me. I simply just don't care for it. I'm above it all now, and I feel like I have good control and a healthy mindset from here on out. Let's face it, I've been through some intense, intoxicating, and very strange times with the dating world. I've experienced it, and now it's time to move on to the real deal.

Thanks Johnny B for making me more of a stronger woman. Man, I feel like the comeback of Britney Spears! haha

Too bad dreams can't last forever...

It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're living the life, something or someone has to rain on your parade. At this point, I could call it out every time something good happens to me. It sucks how people have to the think in such a way that is vulgar and spiteful and completely out of jealousy. It like they want to see you fail so they and sit there and say "I told ya!" Damn those self-fulfilling prophecies!

I have spent the last 3 months in utter bliss. No drama, no familiarity, no 9 to 5. It felt so vigorating and freeing. It was great for the mind-clearers and adventure takers. I met many people with all kinds of different stories to tell. I was fascinated by the different ways of living that people endure in different areas. I was fascinated by everything. I loved to just be away, without notice really or knowing when I'd return. All I knew was that I was living in that moment and no one was going to stop me.

It'd be cooler to say I was somewhere overseas on an abandoned, tropical island, but it was just about a thousand miles away in the southern part of the land of the fortunate, CALIFORNIA. It was everything I expected it to be, because I wouldn't allow it to be anything other than that. It was the end of summer in Seattle and I wasn't ready for it to end, just yet. I went from fabulous mansion over-looking the water in San Clemente to Hermosa beach back to Newport beach where I got raped by waves, then finally to San Diego where the sun never stops shining. As fun as it was to just be taken care of in lavish houses and live by the beach that you only see in your dreams, I knew reality was somewhere around the corner. I knew my life couldn't be this easy.

Time went by as my skin got darker, and I began to devise some sort of a plan for my return. Or at least have something in mind for my future. I want to do something with my life, but I tend to get stuck in a routine where I end up just living to exist with nothing to say of myself at the end of the day. All my friends in Seattle have it different than me. They have been taken care of by their parents, like any good parent should do, but unfortunately situations don't reside the same way with me. I don't have a mother, and my father is too stingy and away to ever see that I would LOVE to have some sort of help. So what do I do? WHATEVER I WANT. =)

That mentality leads me to my next topic of discussion: my friendships with those who have it MADE. Yes, I envy the friends of mine who can rake in their parents money to pay for school, buy a car, get their own condo, go on vacations... but I'm not sitting here judging them as a human being. Why would I? They are just more fortunate than I am. I wish I had it that easy, but instead I have to work to earn the money to pay for whatever it is I choose. So after a good 5 years of working and working, I decided to give myself a break. I never thought my friends would turn on me when I returned. I soon came to that realization.

It has now been two weeks since I've been home, and I can't say that I'm all that excited to be here. I wish I had the money to go out and do it all over again, except in different places. I just love the fact that I'm alive on this earth too much to let it pass me by. My goal is to have a job where the next day is unexpected and traveling is a necessity. Because to be completely honest, most people don't like the jobs they are in and if they do, they are just too deprived in their structured, robotic lives to even understand that they are missing out. I, on the other hand, have definitely seen the other side.

When I first came home, my friends started off as playing it easy, like nothing was wrong. I was excited to be back and tell my friends about all my ventures, but it seemed like no one really seemed to care. They were so involved in their own inner circle drama that they forgot that they hadn't seen me in over two months! I was confused and slightly disappoint I must say, but I played the same game back, acting like I was interested in whatever gossip they had to say about someone they knew. I started drinking my beers at a faster pace, hoping that would help the time go by quicker. I honestly felt like I was back in fucking highschool! All the drama, all the gittyness about nothing, and all the while I'm getting drunk trying to forget it all.

It's weird when you leave somewhere and travel around and see the most exquisite things and meet the most successful people with intriguing stories to tell, and then you go back home. You pretend like it's all the same, but in reality it's totally not. I've changed. I'm afraid to tell my friends but it's true. I can already forsee it in the future. Either I'm going to get the eff out of here or I'm going to have to confront my friends at some point.

I found out later on by a more reliable friend of mine, that yes people had some words to say about me. Things like "what is she doing with her life?" and "why is she down in so cal in the first place?" or "when did she say she was even coming home??" ... "poor thing... shes a lost soul." ... "she needs to get her act together..." BLAH BLAH. I felt disgusted after I heard all of this. I started confronting my friends and no one really fessed up to it. They had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, they commended me on my ability to be so free-spirited and fortunate to be able to go on such a great vacation. Yeah right, you were just saying a load of crap a couple days ago.

I realized that alot of people that grow up in the Seattle area are surfaced. They avoid confrontation so that they can laugh and gossip about it later to their supposed friends. It's really childish actually. I wish it wasn't so two-faced, but that's what I've come to realize in this area. Oh well, right?

Well, lesson learned. Thanks assholes!

Great to be back!

=)

Where I want to be.

write write write.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder how different my life could be. I imagine myself riding a tractor through an open field with some dirty overalls and the sun blazing on my land. I imagine myself sitting next to a cozy fire in a cabin that lies on a mountain of snow. I even imagine myself in a busy city living in a studio apartment trying to make something of myself. Whatever it may be, I imagine myself being happier. Regardless of what path I choose to follow, what fun is it to do it all alone? Anything good that happens in someones life, is only that much better with someone else doing it with you along the way. I want to get up and go, but with who? Who wants to MAKE MY DAY? haha

As sad as it is to say this, since I've been having alot of fun this summer, I just don't feel the connection like I did where I used to live. I hate comparing two completely different places, but as far as people go, Minnesota has depth, value and meaning in its' soul. There are too many people that play themselves out to be such a hot shot. It's not about dating just one person anymore and having true feelings for them and NOT being afraid to express it. It's about playing all these mind games to leave the other person guessing - or rather pulling out their hair because they're so frustrated that things can't be LAID OUT like it used to be. Not only with men, girls have to always have the upper hand with their girlfriends. Either they know of all the hot spots or they have the most boys interested in them at a certain place. Girlfriends aren't your average girlfriends anymore. They're so wrapped around guys, that they gravitate themselves around the ones they're pursuing just to get more attention. They'll even break plans with their girls just to be around that special guy, who is probably dating several other girls just like her. What happened to TRUE friends and TRUE soulmates? I feel like I am the type of person that LIVES passionately through my life. I love to grab that peice of genuine innocence out of people and linger off of it. Everything else just puts an impurity to them that doesn't attract me as much.

Haha, I know I'm getting all emo with my words but that's who I am. I want something good out of my life. I realized it's really not about making money and flashing it everywhere... it's about finding true love and connection. That's where our lives have the most value.

So to put it all straight, I like this guy. He happens to be a musician - and a very talented one might I add. I've heard all these stories about him being a DB and playing girls left and right, but of course I felt like it might be different with me. However, I'm not sure that I'm correct, I feel like I'm probably being played by him. My friend comes up to me the other day and tells me that this other girl was gawking all about him and the text messages he is sending her. As much as I saw this coming, I still didn't want to have to hear that. He has taken me not only to just dinner and a movie, but we went hiking all day beforehand. And another time, he takes me out on a CANOE? with a bottle of WINE?! Tell me I'm getting played right... I just don't get his motives. If he is showing that he has an interest for me, why does it seem like he is digging himself a hole? I haven't put out. In fact, I haven't put out all summer. I'm trying to become a virgin again I guess. I guess I'm trying to prove a point to all the ladies out there, you don't NEED sex, you don't NEED a man. All you need is happiness and fulfillment. I'm trying to figure that second one out myself.

AHHHH alsdkfjasdfa,mjdsgf but I like him. Make it stop. I can never let my girlfriends, that I've kept strong and away from assholes, know these feelings of mine. So don't tell ;-)

ok.. time to buy some fucking clothes..

Oh, summer.

I have been having such an amazing summer. It's also helped me put things into perspective as well. I've gone out hiking, canoeing, biking, boating, swimming, etc. and I'm glad I've decided to build on my health, rather than destruct it. haha

One thing that is bothering me from all the fun I'm having lately, is my beloved sister. I love her to death, but I know she just can't stand me right now. I don't know how to put it right either! We both have disrespected eachother, called names, hit eachother... and it's sad that we can't just come to terms with everything and move on. Most things that piss her off are over the most pathetic things too. For example, we haven't talked in almost months because she saw one of my friends try on her black shirt that was mixed with mine in the laundry. SO WHAT? I love her and I hope one day we can be friends through all this. She's having tough times right now anyway with her on and off boyfriend and demanding job she has. She put all that on herself though. I'm making twice as much as her and I work not NEARLY as much. oh well. Not everyone is going to like you right?

One person that does though happens to be a guy I'm dating right now. This whole year I haven't found one guy that is decent enough for me and then all the sudden, I'm listening to a song at a house party, where there he is singin and playing the guitar. He's extremely talented and is probably going to go somewhere with his music. I know it's no surprise, since that's all I've seemed to date in the past

A new look

So I realized something last night and I thought I'd LAY IT OUT.

Who knows what kind of person I want to be... who knows what career I want my life revolved around. But until then, I'm going to anxiously search for it. I want change. everyday. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it anymore.

Last night was a productive night out. As the bars were winding down for the night, everyone started to make plans for the after party of course. (sometimes sundays are part of weekend too, apparently). ... ER let's back up a little bit.

I went to the bar and ran into alot of random people I knew that I never expected to be there. One was Scott Selby, former college fling for the year that I went to WSU. Crazy enough, he was there with a girl I knew and was acquainted with. She apparently had a thing for him and invited him out. That was alittle awkward.

I also ran into Phaedra while I was there. Me and her have had our differences and have parted ways in the past. Lately, we've come to terms that we're always going to be there for eachother no matter what.. Knowing that, we sat and caught up for a good time at the bars.

When it got time to leave, I went with phaedra to an after hours party, and boy were people partying there. Me and her took a step back from the partying and sat down and talked to eachother. She started telling me that she's finally putting her life in motion. She finally wants to get her degree and stop wasting her time thinking about it. I was shocked. I saw a completely transformed Phaedra. As I was telling her how happy I was for her, I started to cry. I know I get sensitive easily but I was genuinely happy for her. She is finally shooting for a goal and that is so inspiring.

As we stayed up all night talking about our futures, everyone continued to party til the sun came up. We finally got some sleep and slept into the afternoon. This whole day went by, but I feel better finally. I like having those conversations and acting upon them. So when I finally got home this afternoon, I figured I would take time to reflect on what it is that suits me best in my life. I've been taking career aptitude tests all day long trying to figure that out. I'm almost considering buying myself a package! haha, I don't care. I'm getting nutty but at least it's getting one step closer to where I ultimately want to be in life.

As for everyone else in my life, have fun going out tonight... cuz I'm not coming.

Wandering, Pondering, And GOSSIP

Girls night tonight. Gossip.. remembering the unremembered..

This weekend was full of fun.. yet still bad decisions. I'm not quite sure how to put how my weekend went. It was sort of a blur. It helped me wake up for a minute though and put my life into more perspective, hence why I'm sitting here writing. Julia spent the whole day with me just hangin out and talking about whatever. Cailey joined in on the girls day later. We talked about what most best friends talk about... boys and such. One issue I haven't let down lately is how most of my friends are conveniently in relationships while the rest are on life overload and don't have time for friends or significant others for that matter. Here I am, without either of the two winter tendencies and I'm wondering what I can do to change it. It seems like for the past few years, I have wrote different blogs don't get me wrong, but they all seem to relate to one thing: Me being lost. I realized I'm never going to think my life is complete until I go back to school. I've come to terms with that. Now I just need to get my ass into action! Please let this blog motivate me tomorrow. I want to be a better person SO BAD.

One productive thing I did this weekend involved swimming! That's right, I pulled out the old polo swimsuit and shiny silicon swim cap with my new goggles and jumped in the water for the first time since the SUMMER. Thanks Michael for your ambition to make it happen. I have put up excuses for everything bad I've done in my life, or all the good things I haven't done for that matter, and I now need to face it: I'm being a loser. No wonder I have no boyfriend. I need to get this life to start shakin. I am craving change I suppose. I'm bored with my life and I need to get some umf to change it. Hopefully, all this words won't end up biting me in the arnse.

My brother came home today and was talking about his crazy, week-long trip to Chicago, then Washington D.C., then New York, then back to Chicago. He met with billionares, shared his company with them and now has the east side of the United States ADORING him. Even the fuckin flight attendants apparently! Maybe this is where all this talk is coming from. This whole day has made me think, ponder about what my next step should be.

Maybe this time I'll figure it out, maybe I won't but no matter what... I'm sure I'll be around for another update in the near future. Ta Ta yesterday... hello to the unknown future.

Mikaela "the wandering bird"

Self Defining -> Self Expression

Who are we anyway? Isn't that the big question we ask ourselves several times throughout our lives? All I know is Who I am is the possibility of who I can become. However I may choose to do that will bring out beauty, completion, and inspiration for those around me. I turned yet another page in my life. It's a new year. Time to grow up alittle more. I want each year that comes to be better than the last. This year I want to stay focused on formulating a mixture of good productive things in my life. I want to FEEL good waking up every day. I am going to learn that 2 beers is better than 8. I am going to take one extra step to get me that much farther, even if my feet are blistering, bruised and broken. I want to show everyone who I am and what I'm all about. So move me, lift me up, take me to the sky where there's no limits... nothing less. I want it all in the palm of my hands. Is that too much to ask for??

This Saturday, TOMORROW, I'm taking the Self Expression and Leadership Program. I'm serious. I need to get my mind in gear... my brain needs to be trained for whats to come in the series of games and obstacles I like to call life. Lets go find mikaela...

OH.. new job... LUCKY STRIKE. lovin it.

Still LoST.

WOW. I just read my last blog and knew it was time to update. Since the landmark forum. I have been taking the seminar series followed after it. It's 3 hours every monday... just to keep you in check. WELL, the class has shortened to about half... and I seem to be falling off the edge myself. I'm trying to be POWERFUL with my life and find some sort of order but I realized it's not that easy.

My life lately has been nothing but a waste of time. I've been going out WAYYY to much for my own good. I keep telling myself I'll find another job the next day and end up sleeping through it because I went out the night before. I hate settling for just the satisfactory type of things, jobs, people, living conditions... I know I have AMAZING PEOPLE in my life but that isn't going to help me move forward. I know it's only up to me to succeed. A friend told me this the other day "If you think you're beat, YOU ARE. If you think you dare not, YOU DON'T. You got to think high to rise, or it's almost sure YOU WON'T." I am finding that to be more and more true the more I'm living the life I live right now. I need structure, discipline, coaching but I am so lost I can't seem to find anything. Ha haa I just saw the analogy in my head. I'm bikeriding on a trail that takes me into the woods and then I hit a twig... I fall off the trail down the hill and now I'm deep in a woody forest I can't get out of. Not to mention I'm bleeding and NEED help but I can hardly move and I don't know which direction to go to get help. So I limping, gasping, looking for ANYTHING to grab onto to get me somewhere where I can rest and be safe, but it becomes more apparent that I'm going farther and farther away from my destination, whatever it may be. I see this analogy in my life. As I fell of the trail... I made one bad move and my world falls apart. Now I'm lost... lost on what to do with my life... where to settle... what will mazimize my potential the most. And I feel like all these half ass jobs that I keep getting, are keeping me farther and farther from what I REALLY want to with my life. So I drink... go out... try to ignore the fact that I have a list of problems in my life that have been unsolved... untouched. And it just keeps getting bigger. I realize all of this and yet I keep on running from what I know I should be doing to make it right. I smile. Look pretty. Attract so many people around me to make them believe something that I'm not. Then when I go home, when I'm alone (like right now), I am ashamed. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I sometimes cry if even one person has a deep conversation about how I am doing. God, I just wish I could find a way to make it right again.

BTW, the boy I talked about before... that was short-lived. It wasn't too long before he disappointed me.