The gift of LIFE

I learned from a very young age that life can be out of your hands sometimes. Sometimes for the better and a lot of times for the worse. The difference between people that react to these kinds of uncontrollable experiences in their lives is what truly matters. Some people like to blame others for what they cannot control. Some people like to forget about all responsibility and flee from all the problems they have been faced with and simply forget about it. Some people like to numb themselves with their own vices. A vicious cycle based off of attachments to those experiences that lies in their head.

But SOME people.... learn from it all. Of course, you can't forget but that only allows you to learn from it. They hold their head high, gulp those tears, and hold on to each precious moment as if it's in slow motion. Not taking life for granted is the ultimate key - as cliche as that sounds. You never know how it all can change in one instantaneous moment.

I went to a friends' funeral last week. I didn't know him all that well but I knew him for years in the friend circle. I have close friends that knew him very well. He was sick.... mentally. He let those bad thoughts consume him. Define him. And just like that, he jumped off the bridge and becomes part the past. Just like he wanted. He simply gave up. I've never been able to wrap my head around suicide but I can't help but think what must have been going on in his poor mind to take his own life.

I think about the silly bickering and bantering my boyfriend and I have from time to time. I've been catching myself in the midst of the madness more often lately though. Letting those little buttons get the best of you is just not healthy for the soul. "Just look at the bigger picture, is this what we really need to wrap our heads around right now?" is what I usually end up telling him and then the bicker turns into a subtle hug and kiss. Oh how I've grown from my rebellious 16-year-old ways.

All I can say is I absolutely LOVE my life. I love how tall I am, how awkward I am at times. I love how I have such great surrounding energy in the people that are closest in my life. I simply fall in love with my life every day and I will not accept anything less. This happened because I saw darkness, I've made mistakes, and I choose to learn from them.

"Time is on your side" -Coldplay

One empty box

It's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it.

Maybe it's better off that way.

I just wish I had the choice...

Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.

I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday."

Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me.

God I miss her.