One empty box

It's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it.

Maybe it's better off that way.

I just wish I had the choice...

Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.

I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday."

Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me.

God I miss her.

This Bird has landed.

Too much time has slipped by without a peep on documenting my reflection. And it's not fair. This is my life and it is only flying by faster if I don't take a step back and breathe for a minute. So here I am.

These days... I'm certain life is giving me more of a purpose, content that I will find my way, and ready for my next scene. More importantly, I'm so passionately in love with life. There are certain moments in my life recently that will always have it imprinted in my head. For instance, when my brother flailed his arms in the air while lip singing a remixed Britney Spears song in the car. Another occurrence that left me crying with laughter was at the club watching a foreign man dance all by himself, doing pelvic thrusts and all sorts of moves that reminded me of the movie Borat. Another was when a Zach Gilifianakis doppleganger taught me how to get crump... and his version was more of a seizure like flailing are movement. Quite entertaining. I was able to make my way down to see my sister Mandy last week. Her little Destiney is so curious and is always wanting to be a part of the conversation and getting ready. She even helps Mandy unload her groceries and listens to everything her mama tells her. What a dream child I'd like to emulate someday.

Above all, my last six months of life have be dwelled on a passionate love ride with my one and only Cameron. I can't believe we've made it almost six months. I can't believe I haven't gone completely mad LIVING with him yet. I must be turning a new leaf.

As the holidays roll through, I am glad to be where I'm at and surrounded by those that truly love and care about me. The only thing I feel that I'm lacking is the time I haven't spent with my other niece Aaliyah and her mama, Alaina, my blood. Believe me, my sister lets me know that I am not the best sister I can be, and there may have been more that I could have done to support her or at least visit in this last year but I have been stuck in life's blunder in Seattle. The only place I have fully enjoyed and indulged myself was at of course Burning Man. I love that place and don't ever see myself not going UNLESS, yes, I have my own child or I finally find that job that keeps me more grounded at home. Until then, I'm going to keep living my life and the three jobs I have with my loving yet demanding relationship I now have upon life I have in Seattle. I wish my family wasn't so stinkin spread out across the nation. I miss them.

Life keeps ticking and this Bird has landed.