One empty box

It's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it.

Maybe it's better off that way.

I just wish I had the choice...

Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.

I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday."

Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me.

God I miss her.

Remembering her...

I know my mum's birthday is 8 days away but I had to keep this somewhere safe so I can look back and remember what she'd want from me.

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I love you mom. It's a shame you are gone, but it could quite possibly be the biggest lesson I have and will ever learn. Never take life for granted and never limit my love.