This Bird has landed.

Too much time has slipped by without a peep on documenting my reflection. And it's not fair. This is my life and it is only flying by faster if I don't take a step back and breathe for a minute. So here I am.

These days... I'm certain life is giving me more of a purpose, content that I will find my way, and ready for my next scene. More importantly, I'm so passionately in love with life. There are certain moments in my life recently that will always have it imprinted in my head. For instance, when my brother flailed his arms in the air while lip singing a remixed Britney Spears song in the car. Another occurrence that left me crying with laughter was at the club watching a foreign man dance all by himself, doing pelvic thrusts and all sorts of moves that reminded me of the movie Borat. Another was when a Zach Gilifianakis doppleganger taught me how to get crump... and his version was more of a seizure like flailing are movement. Quite entertaining. I was able to make my way down to see my sister Mandy last week. Her little Destiney is so curious and is always wanting to be a part of the conversation and getting ready. She even helps Mandy unload her groceries and listens to everything her mama tells her. What a dream child I'd like to emulate someday.

Above all, my last six months of life have be dwelled on a passionate love ride with my one and only Cameron. I can't believe we've made it almost six months. I can't believe I haven't gone completely mad LIVING with him yet. I must be turning a new leaf.

As the holidays roll through, I am glad to be where I'm at and surrounded by those that truly love and care about me. The only thing I feel that I'm lacking is the time I haven't spent with my other niece Aaliyah and her mama, Alaina, my blood. Believe me, my sister lets me know that I am not the best sister I can be, and there may have been more that I could have done to support her or at least visit in this last year but I have been stuck in life's blunder in Seattle. The only place I have fully enjoyed and indulged myself was at of course Burning Man. I love that place and don't ever see myself not going UNLESS, yes, I have my own child or I finally find that job that keeps me more grounded at home. Until then, I'm going to keep living my life and the three jobs I have with my loving yet demanding relationship I now have upon life I have in Seattle. I wish my family wasn't so stinkin spread out across the nation. I miss them.

Life keeps ticking and this Bird has landed.

Nut-case

Love is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.

Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."

I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.

Then again, I am human.