Peace Of Mind

Oh, it is that time of the year again. The holidays. Everyone is frantically shopping while hearing the same old cheerfully eery Christmas music play. I always find myself tending to my comfortable vices - Egg nog in a blanket watching cheesy movies and hiding from the world is the most frequent one I use. Then last night I realized that it is already December and what happened to the goals I set for myself 11 months ago? I had a chance to look at my resolutions and, like I had assumed, the majority was not reached. YEAH RIGHT like I went swimming 4 times a week. I guess I went once the entire YEAR - that hefty lake swim for my cousins' foundation. woop dee doo. YEAH RIGHT like I got into the Apparel Design Program at SCCC. Just didn't feel the motivation I had like last year. I have participated in some fashion shows however, and I have been taking a class for the last couple months that has really helped reach my full potential while updating my integrity, power, and leadership skills. It's been quite a blast taking that program. I would recommend for any and all, especially those that are feeling stuck and want to fulfill their dreams or those that live in Fremont better yet (that is where the class is located).

One thing that I have noticed about this year is that my relationships have been much more satisfying, especially with my partner. I really have started feeling a new sense of maturity growing on me and it has brought me so much more peace of mind. The class I'm taking right now definitely helps.

I've even become so much more proficient at work. I have great relationships with all my coworkers, including Brian. We had one minor bump in the road while I was away at Burning Man. He found that time frame to be completely inconvenient for his business and it put my job in jeopardy because of it, as well as me taking things "too personally" at work. The old me would have lifted my hands up in the air, said a few parting words and quit. But I dealt with the chaos and showed him that I'm the best employee that he has, which he admitted to me later. It always baffles me the differences between men and women at the end of the day...

I must say, as we approach doomsday, life couldn't be more beautiful (even on a rainy day). I can definitely tell you though, I starting to brew some bigger resolutions that I would really like to fulfill at the beginning of the year! That is, if the world lets us. Let's hope for the best.

This Bird has landed.

Too much time has slipped by without a peep on documenting my reflection. And it's not fair. This is my life and it is only flying by faster if I don't take a step back and breathe for a minute. So here I am.

These days... I'm certain life is giving me more of a purpose, content that I will find my way, and ready for my next scene. More importantly, I'm so passionately in love with life. There are certain moments in my life recently that will always have it imprinted in my head. For instance, when my brother flailed his arms in the air while lip singing a remixed Britney Spears song in the car. Another occurrence that left me crying with laughter was at the club watching a foreign man dance all by himself, doing pelvic thrusts and all sorts of moves that reminded me of the movie Borat. Another was when a Zach Gilifianakis doppleganger taught me how to get crump... and his version was more of a seizure like flailing are movement. Quite entertaining. I was able to make my way down to see my sister Mandy last week. Her little Destiney is so curious and is always wanting to be a part of the conversation and getting ready. She even helps Mandy unload her groceries and listens to everything her mama tells her. What a dream child I'd like to emulate someday.

Above all, my last six months of life have be dwelled on a passionate love ride with my one and only Cameron. I can't believe we've made it almost six months. I can't believe I haven't gone completely mad LIVING with him yet. I must be turning a new leaf.

As the holidays roll through, I am glad to be where I'm at and surrounded by those that truly love and care about me. The only thing I feel that I'm lacking is the time I haven't spent with my other niece Aaliyah and her mama, Alaina, my blood. Believe me, my sister lets me know that I am not the best sister I can be, and there may have been more that I could have done to support her or at least visit in this last year but I have been stuck in life's blunder in Seattle. The only place I have fully enjoyed and indulged myself was at of course Burning Man. I love that place and don't ever see myself not going UNLESS, yes, I have my own child or I finally find that job that keeps me more grounded at home. Until then, I'm going to keep living my life and the three jobs I have with my loving yet demanding relationship I now have upon life I have in Seattle. I wish my family wasn't so stinkin spread out across the nation. I miss them.

Life keeps ticking and this Bird has landed.

Nut-case

Love is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.

Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."

I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.

Then again, I am human.

Pondering moments at it's best

As I read what I just wrote, I realize how I am such a fool. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I have to live with a feeling completely devoted to one person. A feeling that is so vulnerably kept in the palm of their hands to fuck with. Some people find this completely simple. Maybe because they have a simple life and can accommodate a significant other. As for me, I interact with several minds and interactions throughout the day that leer me one way and then the other. I am not saying I take their opinions in deciding my own thoughts but I have seriously considered this relationship in the last 24 hours. As much I was sure, I can't be that certain anymore. I hate this. I need to stay single for my own good. Should she fly away or make it last...

ugh.

Taken

Just two months ago I was sitting here, contemplating life and if I'll ever find someone that will truly make me happy.

Story of my life.

I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love.

I'm scared.

m

Time stopped for him.

Where the hell does one go from here.

My brain has drifted into clouds, my toes and fingertips are often tingly, and I am closing my eyes and picturing something alittle bit different. A clear, midnight sky full of energetic frequencies that started to become more and more parallel. And then, as if the timing and position could not be more perfect, he appears. It was where I started and exactly where I needed to be in that moment. He was right in front of me. And as if we were thinking the same exact thought in that very moment, we walk closer, and realize, it's meant to be. My new life began.

The first touch came from my fingertips as I stared at him in the eyes. My hands lightly touching his arms, and then his face until I reached his lips. I knew then that he is undeniably real. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to fall but the feeling was too addicting. His presence became a drug to me at that moment. I sighed as I felt my heart beating faster; harder. I couldn't speak but I wanted to. I wanted to know I wasn't about to pour the core of my feelings into someone knowing it could very well be wasted on a thoughtless night of impulsive lust. He gazed into my eyes and stole my resisting thoughts like I was blindly hanging them right over him. I wanted to know everything about him. But that was irrelevant. That all came with time. The moment stood there, like time decided to take a break and then everything made sense. As if a symphony was about to play their first note, as if today was ending and tomorrow was no longer, I let myself fall right upon his lips that fit mine so well. We kissed. The night was ours. Our life began.

Cam.