My secret to staying Positive

It's been so long since I've written on here so I'm not going to even attempt catching up with everything but instead start off by pushing this thought:

I need to keep reminding myself of this, especially right now in my life. The month of February was a rough one for me. Constantly felt like my patience was being tested, twisted and everything I said got manipulated. I feel like I do a good job stepping down from my ego to self-reflect and figure out what I could have done better. My never-ending urge in fighting for what I believe can sometimes get the best of me and I am learning to not put energy into conversations that stem from irrational thinking. I simply do not accept negativity in my life and when faced with it - I stand up for peace of my mind and others that are exposed to it. If only I could learn to not hold on to negative words that sting me so bad. That's the hardest part - forgetting.

I remember when I was growing into my teens and began to really acquire opinions, strong opinions, that my attitude got the best of me. I remember my mom cutting off my bad thoughts by saying "Wait! Before you decide to say whatever you are about to say, don't. You may hurt me with your words. Here - write it out." She handed me a notebook - and that's where my writing began. I would write just about EVERYTHING that pissed me off and sometimes I wouldn't leave my room for hours as I sit there passionately writing out my anger to help shed the extra weight. I would occasionally find that my mom had written in my journal to assure me that life isn't as bad as it seems and to not forget to write the positive things that go on in my life as well. At the time, I felt so violated that she would even trespass into my extremely secret writings of boys, friends, school, and family crap. I always kept thinking why I would ever write anything positive when I'm heated in the moment. Positive thoughts just didn't come out dense enough to write down. Granted, I gave it a shot even though I did not feel as passionate. I found myself using my words as a form of expression and beliefs rather than scenarios or being 'stuck-in-the-moment.' I also started playing with my words more with poems and sang them out to help lift my spirits when I was down. When I started writing my troubles down, I found myself figuring out the solutions to the problems by the time I was finished writing. I made lists of my personality strengths and weaknesses and that helped prevent me from pointing the finger at someone else. It really kept me away from all the negativity.

Of course, I wrote everything down and bad times still have been written down much more than the good. Writing though, became a form of art and not just a venting machine. A place where I could organize my thoughts rather than bottling up a cloud of anger and negativity. I have realized as I'm getting older, the negativity is becoming more controlled and my writing behavior is much more constructive than it used to be.

I can now say that I am looked at by my fellow peers as the bright, free-spirited friend that chooses to be optimistic when in a bad spot. I stand as a rock for friends in a rough spot. I love helping others see the light. However, when I'm shoved into a corner and encounter negativity, especially when directed at me, I fight. I fight for my peace, my standards, who I am. Call me entitled or even ignorant (since many like to say "ignorance is bliss") but this is MY LIFE - I will only allow a safe place for friends to feel supported by me unless they decide to push me away and call me out for being "too sensitive." Life is just too short to entertain those dark demons that come and go into your inner thoughts that bring out the monster in you if you're weak. Screw that. I say, acknowledge those thoughts and tell them to have a nice day.

As I always like to say "Why do you insist on messing around with the twigs when you can climb the tree and see the sky?"

Peace Of Mind

Oh, it is that time of the year again. The holidays. Everyone is frantically shopping while hearing the same old cheerfully eery Christmas music play. I always find myself tending to my comfortable vices - Egg nog in a blanket watching cheesy movies and hiding from the world is the most frequent one I use. Then last night I realized that it is already December and what happened to the goals I set for myself 11 months ago? I had a chance to look at my resolutions and, like I had assumed, the majority was not reached. YEAH RIGHT like I went swimming 4 times a week. I guess I went once the entire YEAR - that hefty lake swim for my cousins' foundation. woop dee doo. YEAH RIGHT like I got into the Apparel Design Program at SCCC. Just didn't feel the motivation I had like last year. I have participated in some fashion shows however, and I have been taking a class for the last couple months that has really helped reach my full potential while updating my integrity, power, and leadership skills. It's been quite a blast taking that program. I would recommend for any and all, especially those that are feeling stuck and want to fulfill their dreams or those that live in Fremont better yet (that is where the class is located).

One thing that I have noticed about this year is that my relationships have been much more satisfying, especially with my partner. I really have started feeling a new sense of maturity growing on me and it has brought me so much more peace of mind. The class I'm taking right now definitely helps.

I've even become so much more proficient at work. I have great relationships with all my coworkers, including Brian. We had one minor bump in the road while I was away at Burning Man. He found that time frame to be completely inconvenient for his business and it put my job in jeopardy because of it, as well as me taking things "too personally" at work. The old me would have lifted my hands up in the air, said a few parting words and quit. But I dealt with the chaos and showed him that I'm the best employee that he has, which he admitted to me later. It always baffles me the differences between men and women at the end of the day...

I must say, as we approach doomsday, life couldn't be more beautiful (even on a rainy day). I can definitely tell you though, I starting to brew some bigger resolutions that I would really like to fulfill at the beginning of the year! That is, if the world lets us. Let's hope for the best.

A month I'll never forget.

When I get old, I'm going to have one helluva story to tell. But aren't we all? I always think I'm a badass, and then I realize everyone around me is as well. Each person that has lived should have some crazy story to tell based off of their own perspective. The good, the bad - it doesn't matter because it's their own and all I can do is soak it up like a sponge. Learn from their mistakes and accomplishments by putting myself right in that moment where the story once lived.

I just can't let these moments in my younger days pass me by too fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm not holding up to my own standards, but then I realize I'm worrying too much and I just got to roll with it. Go with my gut and forget the rest. It's like I'm literally a bird flying around in my own neighborhood. I know where the secret spots are to find food and I have the best nest around, but I have wings. I can take them anywhere I want. I risk my life - but then I risk not knowing what I could've seen. I risk the journey.

Speaking of my latest journey...

There she is - couldn't be flying more freely on the Crazy Train after gazing at the ship wreck behind me...



Crazy Train cruising the playa - oh but look who we have here.... Mr. Carl Cox. World known DJ. So amazing.



There we are and couldn't be happier...



Tay and I made our fantasy masterpiece costume come true on the playa. So happy with the turn out...



Me busting moves with a Lego attitude.



My man and I at the most sacred place on the playa - we found eachother again at the Temple...



My favorite art installation on the playa! It was unreal to walk into. Felt like a real sinking ship!



The famous Lego Truck finding it's way to that sunken ship!



Walking and talking with my Cam.



The men who keep Billy, the Lego Truck, alive. My brother Anton and long-time pal Jesse. Mad love for these guys - especially with The Man burning down behind us.



Sunrise kiss on Sunday morning... kissing the playa goodbye...

There are so many other remarkable pictures that were taken from professional photographers, along with amazing art and amazing live music performed by artist at the cost of nothing. I just can't imagine a world any better than that. How can you explain to someone about a place that allows your imagination to run wild while being given gifts in a dusty, dreamy desert? I just can't put anything up to that par. You'd think I would be done after 5 years. You think this little free bird would want to see something else - the world offers so much. But when that time of the year rolls around later in the summer, I get sick thinking about being anywhere else but my home, Burning Man. It's a weakness of mine. An attachment of letting go of the most precious time and place on earth to me. Every single year. My heart aches wanting to go back home... Until next time Burning Man. And then there is reality. Seattle E-Bike and a class that I am taking up called the Self Expression and Leadership Program. It is the third level of the Landmark Education Series and I'm finally taking it! I'm learning so much more about myself and my possibilities. Stay tuned.

Playing Catch-up

I can't believe I went this long without a peep of written memory. Well, it's never too late at least..

In the past six months I have:

Visited my sister, Alaina. Way too short to see my blood for just a week.

Had a Birthday blowout on Orcas Island.. Had some good and bad times during that weekend. Definitely had better birthdays but none of them had a view like I had this time.

Celebrated a one year anniversary with my one and only, Cameron Nichols. Man, I can't believe we have made it this long! The lust has never fizzled. But with that, comes the fighting - which hasn't really fizzled much either. We are always bouncing back and forth but somehow, someway we manage to make our relationship deeper, stronger, better, and more worth it every day. It's crazy to think at the age of 26 that simply THIS IS IT for me.

Celebrated Cam's birthday shortly after housing a bunch of his friends at the house, including flying out my sister for over a week! That was pretty chaotic but oh so memorable.

Took a trip with my brother, Anton, to a festival located in the northern tip of the United States, Neah Bay. The festival was madness and a great escape. Mainly, my trip with my brother was also lost time made up with my good ol friend Haley. I haven't seen her much since being with Cam and it was good to catch up and do 'us.' It was MUCH needed.

And now, I am here - sitting and looking at my life and how lucky I am. I get to have a stable job, a loving and passionate boyfriend who adores me, I get to live with my brother, I get to have this wonderful life...

Things I can't help but think about improving in my life are:

My career - I haven't focused on what exactly I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I work at Seattle E-Bike but is that my life? Is that where I want to be years and years from now? Probably not. But I have become so embedded into that place that it becomes more and more blurry thinking about myself leaving that place. One day, I'll find something. I'll figure it out. Maybe I am destined to birth some beautiful children and take after them so carefully and lovingly just like my mother did. Maybe there is something more... All I know is, I got creative vibrations in me and if I don't let them out someway, I'll freak out.

My family - I only see my dad maybe every other month and he is the only one, besides, my brother of course, that I can see alot more often. I need to let go of my fears that he is struggling and I can't help him. I need to do something. I should know more than anyone else, that I could lose him as quickly as tomorrow. When I build a family, I hope they live close so they won't have to miss out on so many precious moments that I get to miss out on because they all live so far away. It hurts, especially when they are gone and all you can't help but think about is what you could've done to prevent what happened. But I swallow my pride and I keep busting my butt to hopefully come out of this somewhat happy and successful. That's all I really want.

Get organized - I am trying but I could definitely be a much cleaner and healthier human being.

Get back in shape - I feel myself slipping and I need to hop on that again. I am too young to have achy knees and a pudgy stomach.

My ideas - I happen to have many ideas but the ones that I actually DO are very few. So few, that I drive myself alittle crazy, alittle anxious. I'm wanting more with my life and this is the biggest part of my life that I need to improve on. I have these ideas... building an empire with my best friend Taylor by creating clothing that has alittle style and abstractness accompanied with accessories that make those outfits pop. I want to make this scrapbook SO BAD. A scrap book that consists of my sister and I's life together. I want to give it to her so she can always feel me by her side. God I love her so much. I want to start taking sewing classes and I need to buy that dang sewing machine. I want to make cloths for my future children and for my already existing family. It means more and it's a very handy quality to have!

But most importantly, I want to write more. Writing allows me to be alittle more free. I let my mind expand and let the ideas come in. I am able to look at life more peacefully knowing that I have something to look back on. Something to laugh about. Something to be proud of.

And so, I will write because I never know what I'm thinking until I see what I said anyway...

The gift of LIFE

I learned from a very young age that life can be out of your hands sometimes. Sometimes for the better and a lot of times for the worse. The difference between people that react to these kinds of uncontrollable experiences in their lives is what truly matters. Some people like to blame others for what they cannot control. Some people like to forget about all responsibility and flee from all the problems they have been faced with and simply forget about it. Some people like to numb themselves with their own vices. A vicious cycle based off of attachments to those experiences that lies in their head.

But SOME people.... learn from it all. Of course, you can't forget but that only allows you to learn from it. They hold their head high, gulp those tears, and hold on to each precious moment as if it's in slow motion. Not taking life for granted is the ultimate key - as cliche as that sounds. You never know how it all can change in one instantaneous moment.

I went to a friends' funeral last week. I didn't know him all that well but I knew him for years in the friend circle. I have close friends that knew him very well. He was sick.... mentally. He let those bad thoughts consume him. Define him. And just like that, he jumped off the bridge and becomes part the past. Just like he wanted. He simply gave up. I've never been able to wrap my head around suicide but I can't help but think what must have been going on in his poor mind to take his own life.

I think about the silly bickering and bantering my boyfriend and I have from time to time. I've been catching myself in the midst of the madness more often lately though. Letting those little buttons get the best of you is just not healthy for the soul. "Just look at the bigger picture, is this what we really need to wrap our heads around right now?" is what I usually end up telling him and then the bicker turns into a subtle hug and kiss. Oh how I've grown from my rebellious 16-year-old ways.

All I can say is I absolutely LOVE my life. I love how tall I am, how awkward I am at times. I love how I have such great surrounding energy in the people that are closest in my life. I simply fall in love with my life every day and I will not accept anything less. This happened because I saw darkness, I've made mistakes, and I choose to learn from them.

"Time is on your side" -Coldplay

One empty box

It's easy to move on with only one box to look back on. One box full of childhood moments, celebrations, family outings, and her. I always thought I'd have more. Like the glasses she wore on her face every day.. The leftover make-up she taught me how to use.. The clothes that never fit me but I could still fall back on just to play dress up... Her collection of barbies- unopened... Her old antique furniture she always wanted and finally got.. I mean the list just simply goes on. Instead, that storage of her life was auctioned off for someone else to take grab on without any sentimental value to it.

Maybe it's better off that way.

I just wish I had the choice...

Today is her birthday of what she would be 54. She would have been a great grandmother to my sister's child. Maybe then, my sister wouldn't feel so hurt that I'm not there for her. I can't even bear the thought.

I'm sad now that I finally have the chance to think about it. I was avoiding these feelings all day because last night before I fell asleep, my last words to my honey was, "Today is her birthday."

Life feels so broken without her. For the rest of my life I'll be picking up the pieces with the lessons she taught me. Her contagious smile, her overflowing amount of love, and her arms that maintained open unconditionally for me.

God I miss her.

First bitter kick in 2012

Today initially started off alright. Cozied up extra long with Cam, got a free brow wax, had lunch at Haley's work... and then I found myself struggling from there on out. Today, I learned that I can't take the first prerequisite to get in the Apparel Design program, which ultimately means I can't take the program at all until fall 2013. Ouch. Secondly, I called everyone in my life to lift my spirits up, maybe half of them answered, my sister included. I called her for just that, some uplifting support, her views, and maybe some baby burps and squeals but nope. First thing out of her mouth was, "Have you bought your ticket yet?" And when I said, "Not yet," she's laughs. I confront her and ask her why she's laughing and her response is, "Well, I just don't think you're ever going to come out here. That's all." I tell her not to see things so negatively and go on about staying positive and having a good heart about things and before I even finish, she's already hung up. I called her back a few minutes later because I know sometimes all she really needs is a few minutes to cool off and then she's alright but nope. No answer. ugh.

I try to shrug off the evening of disappointment but can't seem to shake it. Called my aunt, whose house my sister is staying at right now, and she was answered with mere excitement and what almost could have been mistaken for my mom she says, "Mikiiiiiiii! My miki!" I instantly got a sigh of relief. After I updated her about my life and she did with hers, I told her about my frustrations with stinkin booper butt and she told me "Ali can be Ali sometimes, you just can't tell her your thoughts because she'll hold them against you for some reason down the road." That made me feel a little better.

Cam doesn't really understand why I'm upset, even though I told him about everything today, and frankly he just decided to smoke a bong hit, throw back some beers with his buddies, and forget to even care. Can't blame him though. I tried to seem as normal as possible. Guess I did I good job.

My brother is having his own conflicts within himself to even notice or care what I have been up to. I've been trying to lift his spirits lately, but it just seems like I annoy him more than anything. ugh. And of course, he definitely doesn't fall short today when I would need him to confide with.

So I've resorted my ups and downs throughout the day to the one and only thing that consistently makes me feel better after I confide with it, writing. And I'm OK with that.

I've got plenty of endeavors coming my way this year, I've decided. 1, being the start of a whole new profession and product - Electric assist bicycles. I'm definitely excited to learn and grow from this opportunity to run a shop and sell a product I truly believe and know that the customer will not be ripped off. 2, I am still exploring my relationship with my boyfriend and plan on traveling and enjoying this summer with him as much as possible. 3, I would like to see if I can get some more modeling in this year and, in order to do that, I plan on spending some quality time exercising myself to get in better shape - 4. And the obvious 5, I honestly don't quite have the finances to support this time-consuming program. Oh and 6, who knows the world just might end and I don't want to be stuck in school wondering how I could've spent my last days on earth. HAH!

So a big fat OH WELL and see you next year Apparel Design Program at SCC! If it's really a career meant for me and I'm still interested nine months from now, it is meant to be. As my friend Kristen just said, "Obviously you were not meant to take this program this year, you have so many other things going on anyway." And as for you Ali, you big pouting brat, I'll see you next month. I'll find a way.

Off to see, what could most likely be, one of the most horrible movies in 2012, The Devil Inside. But hey, at least I can say I sat in a movie theatre in 2012. Can you tell me you have? Yeah sure...