Nut-case

Love is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.

Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."

I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.

Then again, I am human.

Pondering moments at it's best

As I read what I just wrote, I realize how I am such a fool. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I have to live with a feeling completely devoted to one person. A feeling that is so vulnerably kept in the palm of their hands to fuck with. Some people find this completely simple. Maybe because they have a simple life and can accommodate a significant other. As for me, I interact with several minds and interactions throughout the day that leer me one way and then the other. I am not saying I take their opinions in deciding my own thoughts but I have seriously considered this relationship in the last 24 hours. As much I was sure, I can't be that certain anymore. I hate this. I need to stay single for my own good. Should she fly away or make it last...

ugh.

Taken

Just two months ago I was sitting here, contemplating life and if I'll ever find someone that will truly make me happy.

Story of my life.

I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love.

I'm scared.

m

Time stopped for him.

Where the hell does one go from here.

My brain has drifted into clouds, my toes and fingertips are often tingly, and I am closing my eyes and picturing something alittle bit different. A clear, midnight sky full of energetic frequencies that started to become more and more parallel. And then, as if the timing and position could not be more perfect, he appears. It was where I started and exactly where I needed to be in that moment. He was right in front of me. And as if we were thinking the same exact thought in that very moment, we walk closer, and realize, it's meant to be. My new life began.

The first touch came from my fingertips as I stared at him in the eyes. My hands lightly touching his arms, and then his face until I reached his lips. I knew then that he is undeniably real. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to fall but the feeling was too addicting. His presence became a drug to me at that moment. I sighed as I felt my heart beating faster; harder. I couldn't speak but I wanted to. I wanted to know I wasn't about to pour the core of my feelings into someone knowing it could very well be wasted on a thoughtless night of impulsive lust. He gazed into my eyes and stole my resisting thoughts like I was blindly hanging them right over him. I wanted to know everything about him. But that was irrelevant. That all came with time. The moment stood there, like time decided to take a break and then everything made sense. As if a symphony was about to play their first note, as if today was ending and tomorrow was no longer, I let myself fall right upon his lips that fit mine so well. We kissed. The night was ours. Our life began.

Cam.

The answer.

It's quite funny how life works. I found a few jobs recently. I walked around greenlake today and stumbled across a dog trainer and a beautiful lake as a man with long hair happened to slip right into it and make the photo complete. I learned a few things while walking and talking to one of my closest friends. Simply, BREATHE. Let it all in and realize that it is OK to not know the answer. The answer will find it's way.

Too into the moment.

I just don't know.

My mind at this point is completely messed up. One day, I'm in one direction - hating men and being all my single ladies' best friend. Then the next, I'm trapped in my own emotions and I want more. Some days, I wonder what my mother would do. Some days, I just lay over the mess and stop caring.

I'm lucky. I have my charm and goofiness, but also physical attraction. I never thought I would end up being this way. I can choose who I want to be with. I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. But, how do I know it's right? How can I pour all my feelings in one person or even career for the rest of my life, when I know it could be better, more satisfying elsewhere. I've watched it all before my own eyes. I've experienced it. I'm afraid. I'm tainted and a little jaded. I want it but I want it the right way. Hence why I must play the field for my own damn good. My brother tells me that men will come and go in my life; they waste my time. Maybe he's right. But maybe, it's too late.

Summer is here. Times are getting more distracting. Burning man is becoming more of a priority and all I really want to do right now is work hard, make money so that by the end of the summer, I can live again. My dreams are those that don't require most of my awake life in front of a screen, working a nine to five. My dreams ache for something more... something that requires depth, growth, and exotic opportunities..

The time of my life is NOW.

Flying into a new year; new life.

I... Got inspired.






Feathers... such a simple thing, yet so satisfying. It's fragile nature and soft approach makes anyone look so elegant, so flawless. Weightless and free to live and be wherever they choose. To see life in the most beautifully perfect way, as it should always be. Oh feathers, you complete me.

-M.Bird

Jagged morning.

Sometimes, all I want to do is run. Run away from all my obligations in life and find some sort of outdoor summer energy in the air to take me to a better state in mind. Being tough catches up to me. I can't pretend or bluff it all the time. I swirled my energy around this last week in all sorts of different directions. Playing it "cool" and listening too much. Now I have the thought of Mother's day coming up and my 25th birthday that I haven't even began to wrap my head around yet. I just feel like a getaway.

I want my mom to fall back on; to embrace when I'm in a sticky situation. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO SO SOON?! I wish I could shake her soul and then hold her hand and walk her back to life. Tell her things will get better and I'll never leave her side ever again. I bet if I led her the right way and hung out with her she wouldn't have left so soon. Same with my grandfather.

I am looking back at this year. The parties, the drinking, the boys, the jobs, living at the Buddhaful house. Is this the direction I wanted? I'm questioning my actions today more than any other day and feel like I need to shift a few things around. Stick the drinking back in the cabinet, tell the parties I'll take a rain check, stop wasting my time on stupid fucking boys, and move out of the house and friends that facilitates all of that. I'm over it. I want a fresh new start.

I'm going to start finding new activities. Maybe a team to be a part of once again. Some classes I can start taking to better myself. A guitar. A sewing machine. Another outlet to direct my thoughts and views on this crazy life I've obtained thus far. Who knows, maybe after burning man this year I can actually make a move out of this country.

I want to be so much in my life. I just hope I don't disappoint myself down the road. I know my mom would be proud of me. Her support always drove me further.

I miss her so much but I know that is not my life anymore and it will never be. ::slapping my face:: I got this.

I'm glad I got that out... whew.

Needy thoughts; ambitious delerium.

I have decided yesterday that I will be on a healthy kick. Today, I've managed to pass on going out but yet still eat alot of food. I'm constructing lists to enforce that I remember to make myself feel bad if I don't get it done. I need to stop being afraid. hah. That is the last thing my friends would say that I am. But that one feeling and that other one called love are the only two REAL feelings that each one of us truly feels. Everything else is branched off from that core feeling of fear and love. I read that somewhere. Makes sense right? So fear I must fight. every. day.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not focused enough to point my finger and say THAT is what I'm supposed to do today. "Sorry friends, I can't go to the park on this fine day and have a picnic" ... "Sorry photographer, I cannot make this shoot happen for the benefit of your portfolio" ... "Sorry booze, I cannot continue to let me feel good and distract me from my obligations tomorrow." Sorry. I get it. I'm mislead into a for-now-happiness and a let-down-future. I need more. When will that fucking light bulb go on already?

Tomorrow will be my new day. I will wake up and run outside. Breathe spring's motivation and ignore the clouds around it. I am going to taste a plan tomorrow and man it's going to be sweet. A friend wants to see me but he's just going to have to wait. I can feel it taking me over into a dazzling reflection of the water's echo. I can see myself, glowing with excitement for my next, fulfilling project (whatever that may be) while allowing my partner to let his satisfied soul rest where mine is. And life will be good.

I want to have my own indoor pool where I can have private events. Splash the interior with bright, vibrant colors with lights streaming along the sides and around the pool. A ceiling of a clear, sun-fulled, blue sky with real palm trees in the corners. Maybe even a slide. And the pool takes up half the room that is half the size of a football field.

I want a clothing line filled with feathers. I want a feather-rimmed skirt with feather arm warmers and barrettes. I want feather patterns and flying birds printed on my t-shirts and skirts. Bright shirts only. I want my own dang feather symbol already.

I want to have a studio where I can create such fine pieces of material with all sorts of fabrics and buttons and a couple sewing machines, but not only that. I want a music area where I can have beautiful sounds flowing out of my room with mounds of motivation behind it. I also want a canvas in my crafty room so I can paint what I feel in my head that can't be explained and a pottery area in case I want to get my hands dirty or accidentally break dishes and need more.

I want to take amazing pictures with a 35 mm digital camera. PLEASE. I want them all to be of my traveling through the world's adventures. I want to sky dive each place I go to and I want no one to come with me.

I REALLY need voice lessons. That way I can start being more confident on stage or wherever I am.

I want to win the lottery so I can accomplish all of this. I wish I was raised in a world of non-monetary things. My goals could be accomplished much easier that way. I hope I find my nitch and I'm proud of myself for it because so far... well, I still have a ways and I'm just getting started.

I want to be crazy in a good way all the time and I want my success to prove it. That is all. Good night.

Slap-in-the-face day.

Gosh I wake up too late.

Dreaming, I blame.

The world is doomed.

My brother is leaving soon.

Life seems quiet.

...

..

.

Catching up.......... No tears, no heartbreaks, no games. Life is good but not potent enough for me. I am always craving something with more flavor and style. More beautiful problems to handle. A pleasurable misery sounds good to me. Going out remains the same, until my brother leaves that is. It's hard to say no with him around. I want more to my life all the time. And it doesn't have to be about love. I need to start making moves. I TURN 25 NEXT MONTH. yikes.

I need a life disciplinary WAKE the FUCK UP call. I keep existing in places that will never make me ultimately happy in the end.

Today, I will ponder. Let those thoughts resonate and come up with a plan to conquer and dominate and TAKE control of my life. If I don't, I will be in an undying search for it. GAH. If I could only win the lottery, I could rule this messed up, corrupt world.

At the end of the day, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Content and ready to learn.

The end.

Marching forward; no looking back.

As the New Year has arrived in full force. I have found myself quite minimal in my prospective writing abilities that I just didn't care. I have also propelled a few activities and eliminated some other thoughts and activities completely. Right now, I'm content with where I'm at mentally. Finally and again.

For a while, I was stuck on someone that was stuck on someone else. It was a painful chain of attached feelings and with the strength of my experiences dealing with these same feelings before, I was finally able to let it go and fade away. I kept holding on for something that it simply could not be... I wouldn't say never, but not now. Definitely. I only wish him the best.

That happened about a month ago.

Since then, I've focused alot more on my ladies that stand by my side no matter what once again and I've been going out and working out in between working more, well until recently. I wouldn't say it's been unhealthy lately, but I've taken my going out and actually functioning the next day to a whole different level. Maybe it's to numb the pain. But I think more importantly, I'm having fun. I am having so much fucking fun I can't help but smile.

I found a path for myself above all else and that is the most important of them all. I am getting closer to a career of my own and a life I will love. I'm ready. So unbelievably ready.

As I come to these new realizations in my life, I let go of ones that just did NOT work for me. I have sacrificed a chunk of my happiness working at my latest job. I got fired yes. But I asked for it. Came into work feeling sick, threw up right in front of the place and got sent home. Hours later, I receive a TEXT saying I've been let go. Really. In a way I was embarrassed, but for the most part I'm relieved. I now have more opportunities of being greater that lie ahead. I now can say, within the seven lousy months that I worked there, I am now a part of the 16 people that have been let go like I have or simply walked out.

This is a funny time in my life right now. I've been going out and creating such miraculous moments that will not go unforgotten. I've met such talented people and I've been laughing uncontrollably in between with those that make me the happiest. This last weekend was NOTHING short of that. This weekend was like a parade after that big, long rainstorm that defines my last job. That rollercoaster of emotions and feeling like I was not good enough had VANISHED after this weekend. We went to see a marching band, but I can guarantee it is not what one would think. 30 instrumentalists, face paint, and a whole lot of gypsy, free spirits make the March Fourth Marching Band. And after all the chanting, stomping and dancing was done, they all decided to take it all to the house and jam out some more. Up until the wee hours in the morning, we were creating magical sounds and sharing dreams. It was inspiring to say the LEAST.





THANK you for the ride you guys. I'm going to find them at the burn this year. I must.

SPEAKING OF.

After three productive camp meetings, my group and I still haven't come up with a GOOD theme and I'm starting to get worried, since we only have a couple weeks until our proposal must be submitted. EEK! We have BIG ideas this year. Bigger than any other year of course. And we're trying to figure out what will make us shine. Lego Castle camp? FireFLIES camp with a fire truck? Big ol' Furry ANIMAL camp? We have some humps to get over.

Until then, I will be gradually seeking employment while receiving unemployment, creating ideas, taking mini road trips, brewing more dreams for my future, and playing with hearts if they deserve it. Don't take that the wrong way silly boys. =)

Hawl... ERR.

Never a dull moment

I want to say so much but the blank unwritten blog is intimidating me...

Here we go.

First off, wow. My life has been turned upside-down. Then again, when does it not? I have three jobs right now. I like it, however, I'm run down and I don't like that feeling. I want to be 100% in everything I do but tonight I couldn't hide my dragging face towards the end of the third day at my new job. I hope they don't think I'm already over working there. I've come to realize the more I stay in the restaurant industry, the less tolerant I have become. Being fake is not in my nature, and that is all they want to see sometimes. I can be professional, but not fake. As much as I can't wait for the festivities tomorrow, I'm ready for the weekend to be over so I can start focusing on my future plans more.

Speaking of the weekend,GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEDRIVE is on! I've been helping Mike plan this event for weeks now and finally the time has come. Fashion show, art displays, DJ's from all over (which whom are snoring soundly at the house as I'm writing), and a wholllle lotta booty shaking is what this bird is about to get herself into. Oh yeah, and I'm going to finally break the seal. I have not drank since Halloween and boy that has been a struggle. But I'm proud of myself for saying NO to drink offers on numerous occasions these past few weeks. I'm stronger than I thought.

Other than all that jazz, how am I feeling lately? My friends are good, my life is busy and slightly hard to keep up with, my goals are brewing, my passions are finally bursting out of its' shells, but how is Mikaela on the deeper front? I'm feeling ultimately on a content level and stable ground. However, no matter what, I'm still fighting that urge to want someone and embrace them wholeheartedly without ever letting go. Lonely, in other words. I'm afraid if and when I do find that in my life, will that be enough? I've been so there for my friends lately and they have right back. I've even had some good cuddling nights. I speak as the strong force for my friends that have fallen weak with settling in their relationships. Shit, I've basically gone pro with how many times I've had to mind slap people to wake them up and realize what they DO have in their life and how they CHOOSE what they want and how they feel. So why do I still have this burning feeling of emptiness in my chest? I don't think I'll ever be able to let that feeling I had with this person go... I keep preaching to others and reaffirming myself that "YOU are the ultimate manifestation of what you define life to be, whether it is raising a family, pumping that adrenaline and not being afraid, or making a passion a successful career and changing the world. This life is yours, so what really matters to you at the end of the day?" So stop worrying about what it is they want from you and start focusing on your needs for once. For me, my goals and meaning in life change so often that I can't ever pin it down for what I want to follow through with. But now, I've decided it's time to finally start biting the bullet and start making dreams come true little by little, day by day.

On that note of bouncy thoughts, dreams are where my mind floats off to next. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Taking it in stride, then leaps.

Each day I wake up, I usually get struck with unexpected news. Yesterday, happened to be more strikes than normal. It was Veteran's day.



It started off with a blood warm sunrise that peaked off Mount Rainier. My friend captured this. It made me feel happy to be right here, living in the heart of Seattle.

Cuddling close to my roommate, Mike, and Allison, my day started. I come to find out first that my other roommate, Bonnie, has lost her grandmother. It effected her pretty deep considering she grew up in her grandmother's house her entire childhood. That woman was the rock of the family and she couldn't imagine life without her, until now.

After feeling her pain, I come to find out that my favorite bartender at my new job, got canned after five years of working there. Just like that. No warning, with all those years of showing his loyalty to the company. Not to mention, he informed me that they were thinking of firing me as well, for no reason besides business being slow and me not "getting it" enough. After only a month of working there, I've come to realize they are the most egotistical, inconsiderate individuals I've ever worked for.

On top of that, my two good friends have split. I have spent my last year with Dylan and consider him one of my nearest and best friends in my life. Allison came into the picture about 6 months ago and we've all connected since then. It's just sad and unfortunate to see two beautiful souls separate their love for one another. I mean, no one wants to see that however on my behalf, this only adds on to my single lag.

On other terms, I'm taking everything in and seeing it all in a positive way. I've become more calm and reassured that I'm going to get through this. In time, I will have a life I've been destined for. I know I have it in me. I finally know what I need to do that will provide the utmost happiness in my life. Now, I just need to put it all together. Being 24, could most likely be my best year yet, especially in transformation.



“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” -Charles Palahniuk

This too shall pass

WHAT A LIFE.

I just can't go too much into detail. I realize being open online just doesn't do me any justice.

What was the purpose of this blog in the first place anyway? Not to explain what I do every day. Not to necessarily vent (however I tend to do that just to avoid speaking nonsense to unassuming ears), but to explain how I feel in this very moment of time in my life. Knowing that, I've realized the following...

I felt, for a while now, that I wanted to try and get myself a man. I've been feeling alittle lonely in this single world. I tried. Finally, after fighting the urge for over 3 years of the single life, I started 'dating.' I put just about %100 into everything I found potential with. Chose the ones you'd never expect me to choose as a potential partner. Unfortunately, nothing worked in the end. And the moral of the story? I realized how much I've taken my independence for granted. All the drama and sticky situations that you find yourself entangled with have now vanished. There is no going back and I am fine with that. I have to start setting my boundaries and stop wasting my time on weak individuals. Give me someone real and talented. I'm exhausted with those that just keep bringing me down. This is MY time.

Looking from the outside in, I can't believe how fortunate I am. Granted, I'm just starting to get on my feet again since Burning Man. I'm finally where I want to be; where I CHOOSE to be. I'm not doing what anyone else is telling me to. I'm not living someone else's life. This one is all mine. I'm sorry but "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!!!!!" haha... oh wait oh wait. Damn my landmark class. Wasn't I supposed to get over that already? hah.

As far as careers go, I'm really starting to see things a bit clearer. Life is starting to formulate. And my magically ways of talking about what I'm interested in doing with my life to ANYONE is paying off. I don't want to go into too much detail until I understand what it takes to fulfill my destiny. It's been a LONG time since I've gotten anywhere close to a passion that I'd like to leak into my future career; the rest of my life! It feels good. It's about time!

Anyway, exhaustion is powering over me. I wish I could never sleep at this point in my life. I'm so anxious to start making something happen, something MINE for once.

Oh dreams that can be real life situations; you consume me.

Night world.

Late Night Catch-up.

Sometimes I let such simple things get the best of me. Sometimes I forget why I'm really here, living and breathing, on this planet. I think about how life could be different if I were a different race, different culture. How fortunate I really am this far is so amazing to feel right now. At this very point in my life, I have manifested such great people with alot of passion and insight. I've been stumped on numerous occasions by beauty I have never thought existed and breathless by stories I never knew could happen. I know, without a doubt, I'm lucky.

This weekend, I got to witness a friend 'open' her eyes and crawl out of her comfort shell she carefully concocted over the last 3 years to maintain that 'stable' life. A relationship where neither wanted to be alone, however neither were compatible either. Finally, she decided that instead of not having the guts to say goodbye, she truly wanted her partner to be happy and she knew she wasn't enough. So she let go. Cold turkey. SINGLE AS CAN BE! Another one bites the dust.

In other notes, my sister is officially hmm ALMOST DUE. Something around 45 days or so until a Avaline Michelle pops out of that booper belly. I think about her a lot and how her life is going to be so different for the rest of her life. Nothing but poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and squealing cries are going to what consumes her life. Oh, joy. But really, I'm thoroughly stoked for her new arrival and life. I hope it comes easier to her than expected.

I have officially MOVED TO SEATTLE AND I LOVE IT. Life can't be much better/independent. I'm finding a whole new outlet for creating paths that I could follow through with for the rest of my life, and not find out half-way down the road that it's doesn't interest me anymore. I've been interacting with people that DO follow their vision, or dream if you rather. I've also gone the other route, finding out what it is that I definitely don't want to be doing. The simple question I always ask, "so what is it that you do? (what is it that you have that I don't have?)" Then I sit there and see if that is a lifestyle suitable for me. So far, I've found out that I definitely DON'T want to be a nurse, cocktail waitress, bar owner, accountant, drug dealer, lawyer, officer of any kind, insurance broker or any sort of corporate job. I have brewed a few things in mind but I'd rather know more about it before I start sharing.

I'm working, saving money, and loving life right now. I've met a few men in the last couple months that might have potential, and are most definitely keeping me smiling for the most part, but you never know. I never try to expect too much from the opposite sex. I've learned that.

I miss my old life sometimes. I have been talking about Minnesota often. My old bull dog, my step dad and his goofy ways, my mom. It's weird that 7 years ago, a life got flipped upside down and gets brought into a whole new lifestyle, and even now you just can't let it go. Too many objects, songs, pictures, movies, hair dos and sayings remind me, and will always remind me, of where I came from. Boop says I should be talking to a therapist (like she is) once a week. Just to talk and let it out. I know it can't hurt. I'll look into it.

I'm officially tired. Lynzie comes in town tomorrow and Ben at the end of the week! Then, Seacompression and Halloween are about to bring a whole light of wicked and wild memories to reflect on. Oh the joy of seasons changing.

Goodnight.

"at least make something of yourself, Mikaela"

Someone just opened a whole new can of worms.

I love her to death but she triggered a button this time. It comes from a good place, I know. However, when you accuse someone of something you have no idea about, which lingers merely from soccer mom gossip, I can't help but want to cringe alittle. I'm coming down off of a great adventure, and just like every other year - someone's gotta rain on the parade to flood you with reality. I get it. I've been fucking off for a while or rather falling behind - to you. To me, I have been figuring this all out. Seeing everything in a new light and taking up opportunities that lie as I live and breathe each day. I have come close to a few options as far as "making something of myself" goes just from talking to people that have followed their dreams and seeing such beautiful creations of a lifestyle I admire. Now it's a matter of acting upon it.

I need to adjust my thought process, once again. Social life, health, but mostly love. I keep searching and trying to make things work. Mutual? Probably not, but I don't care. I've wanted to make something normal - something steady for a while. A familiar body to embrace on a daily basis. An ear to be here when I need someone to leak my passionate thoughts to. A good soul and will to make something beautiful and not just shrug off. Key word - make. I can't make anything like that happen. Why can't I find anything remotely close to that since B? It's been almost 4 years since I let it go. I know I'm only 24 and life is so young for me right now, but I'm so ready for something as strong as that. I have always been. I just want magic, nothing less. hah.

I watched Remember Me last night with the famous Robert Pattinson and it had a good moral to the story. How could you possibly know that tomorrow is a promised day? What does your life mean to you? How can you make it the best in your eyes?

Don't blink twice, Mikaela. And stop sleeping in. Time is fucking precious.

She speaks what I am

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together”

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.”

“There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do.”

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.”

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

My head is flooded with thoughts that I can seem to shake out easily. Therefore, I find myself with quotes of those who think like me. Oh, Anaís Nin, how I wish I lived in your day in age just to be your friend.

Still flying; finding a spot to land.

I realized I don't update enough for as much that goes on in my life. I've definitely been taking my life and putting it smack dab in the moment and NOW after about a month, I can finally take myself out of that moment and reflect.

I can't believe I live in a day in age that consists of a place where people can live, love, and laugh in the purest form. It is remarkable that I am fortunate to know the people I've encountered and lives I've touched just with my energy and presence. Burning Man was again the best time of the year thus far, and my life for that matter. It's seriously becoming a community that I'm a stronger part of. After my third year at the wonderful place, I get stopped by people that recognize me from years past, and that my friends is the greatest encounters.




This year was a strangely magnificent one, that being the weather. Of course our entrance is never graceful and this year allowed no exceptions. Our first year, we landed a flat tire a mile from the event. We could SEE it we were that close. Unfortunately our jack broke and after about hours of frustrating energy circulating throughout us, we stumble in with our lousy flat tire. Granted, it was dark and there was a heavy dust storm coming in so our placement was WAY out there. Second year, we had to wait in will call which delayed the wait by double! We finally arrive at 7 am, park our car at 9:30 and D and pass out after driving and waiting for nearly 30 hours. The weather throughout the week had its calm and crazy wind rides. I truly started loving the personality of those dream-like dust storms that can never be anticipated because of it's sporadic approach. This year, the wind and rain and freezing (literally 32 degrees) temperatures was almost unbearable. But we pulled through it of course, especially with all the extra hands we had this year. It is really unfortunate we didn't have Taylor's 32 foot trailer then. The next couple days, it rained and blew and it wasn't too much warmer. Then finally on Tuesday, the weather took a sudden turn and the rain stopped. Once the view cleared far out by the mountains, a colorful slope of a rainbow appeared.
It started off very subtle, then it got more vivid and euphoric. Before you know it, a DOUBLE RAINBOW peaked through! We were in SUCH awe. ("What did it mean?!" haha) Of course, after that rainbow, the rest of the burn the weather was in our hands. 90 degrees, 95 degrees the next day, and I think it even reached 100! It felt hot. Speaking of......

I had a great posse this year and they all came in different groups. San Diego, San Fran, LA, Las Vegas, Seattle (basically the west side) is where we all came from. I don't know how we did it but our camp was full of smokin' hot, attractive characters. There was officially 19 of us. Could have been alittle overwhelming for the returning burners considering most of our camp were newbies, but it was a great camp nonetheless.

I'm officially blessed to be a part of this life of mine. I keep reading how I need to become something of myself in older posts. It's all for the money, the structured lifestyle, the American tradition. I guess I'm just not completely ready for that agenda yet. I am brewing a few ideas right now and hopefully I can make something out of anything this next year.




And now that I'm back to reality, I have a few things to finally pick up that I've been putting off for quite some time. It is now officially time to get my dad out of this house. It is now time for me to get a new j-o-b knowing that Allure is just not going to cut it and move to SEATTLE! I'm ready to make the most of it since I don't know any other way to live anyway. I am considering San Francisco in the new year or possibly San Diego, just like I had planned the year prior. We'll just have to see how the rest of this year pans out, professionally, financially, and intimately.

Oh, I love my new beginnings... how scary and exciting they can be.

Venting season has arrived.

Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man

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K, now we can begin.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR BURNING MAN. I'm going nuts, I think. And just when you think you are going to have everything covered and everyone will walk their talk about what they plan on doing to make our camp STAND OUT and be one of the best camps at Burning Man... It all just comes crashing down on you like broken glass shattering into pieces all around you. Well, it's not that dramatic but it's venting time...


I really was looking forward to sharing this experience with Taylor this year. Take her somewhere that she's never been; a place where she can be herself and run wild and free without a care in the world. As time got pushed closer and closer, she promised to leave the month of August open for preparation. It is now AUGUST 12th, and nothing has not been TOUCHED on her behalf except for a few hemp necklaces. Basically, the main things she said she could provide is: the 30-foot trailer we'll be sleeping in and piling alot of crap into, our BIG piece of art (eywa tree) that she had all the material for and wanted to build mostly, the dozens of outfits we plan on making to give out. And now today she tells me, "I don't know if I want to go this year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather disappear from everyone and go to the ocean." Really. The ocean. That will ALWAYS be there. Oh, life and that lemon shit. I have to realize, too, that she has deeper burdened issues that keep her from going. I just wish the timing wouldn't have been so completely off on her part.

Faraz has actually been a great sport about everything. She's totally taking over on costume making and we're now going to be meeting every day to make it all come together nicely. Oh and Snef, that girl rocks. Totally bought all the paint we need for our sign and some bluuuue and make-up for the bodies. We had a great time yesterday shoppin' around and finding little things that will make our camp even better than our vision. A guy we know is also going, and he is lending us an air brush kit! score! Even better... I met a guy at a burner picnic and he just so happened to talk around town and find me a 24ft across, 15ft high DOME! GO ME.. My brother was pretty thrilled to hear that. Speaking of, he definitely went according to planned, and bought a savage van with all the amenities to keep our burners hearts happy and less worried. He shall be gracing us with his presence in about 48 hours. phew. I need him BAD right now.

A few friends are really excited for me and want to help, including my little crush. I'm glad that he did his research about it. I think I got him in for next year, that is, if he's still around. At the present moment, I feel "meh" about him, but that's just some of my frustration in the texting games he likes to play. It's his way of coming up with witty remarks or sly (on the border rude) comments to make him sound cooler. I'm realizing he doesn't mean it and maybe that's his way of lightening, or dampering, a liking I may have towards him. You can definitely tell he was the youngest of the family bunch. For example, words like "balls", "hoes", "murkin niggas", and "cartoons" are probably the most frequent words used in his vocabulary. When we're together, I can't stop thinking about kissing him if I'm not already. I haven't felt so highschool in a while with a guy, which is why I remain "meh." What I really need to do is to let myself back up alittle. Hey! What do ya know, burning man is on the horizon and will do just the trick.

Anyway, I'm off to recharge until I get alittle bit crazier than yesterday.

Minds breaking hearts.

I try to be so many different things. I try to be this strong, undefeated superwoman that no one can hurt. I try to be a smart, witty know-it-all that no one can outsmart. I try to be a trendy, fashion-crazed rockstar that no one can out-bad ass. I try to be so many different things, you see. But what I've decided that it comes down to, is what it is that you really need from life no matter what facet of yourself you care to achieve for the day.

I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.

And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.

I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?

This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.