I HAVE NO LIFE

SO I figured that LATELY my job likes to schedule me to work weekend night shifts so when I'm off work around 11... I want to go do something but I never have enough energy as everyone else because all I want to do is sit down because I've been on my feet all day... I dont think I've actually gotten drunk for at least 3 weeks now. I haven't really gone OUT like I used to either. And I'm not even that bummed about it. I don't care or worry about where the next crazy PARTY is at. I don't really feel all that bummed when people I know tell me how much of a blast they had on a boat, or how crazy a house party was or whatever it is thats worth bragging about in their book. I've heard it all... been there... done my partying to a point where it was every day. I think thats what people still see in me, but it's really not who I am anymore. I work my ass off all the time and I've started this online bizz... that my mind is somewhere other than finding the next party... My mind is now set on my future, FOR ONCE and not wasted on the present highlife.

I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"

I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....

anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m

Looking AHEAD

For a good portion of my life, I had it together. I had a job, I was always in a sport or being active, a good set of close friends, good grades and relationships with teachers, a loving family, even a freakin family dog. My mind was full of ambition and drive that would find me into new clubs and being highly competitive with grades and sports. I may have even been somewhat of a dork/nerd/loser whatever you want to call it but I was happy. I didn't care! I had everything I needed that would get me by easily in the world. Nothing could stop me and I was never weighed down.

Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.

for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.

I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.

All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.

I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.

Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.

And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...

later thoughts