Too much time has slipped by without a peep on documenting my reflection. And it's not fair. This is my life and it is only flying by faster if I don't take a step back and breathe for a minute. So here I am.
These days... I'm certain life is giving me more of a purpose, content that I will find my way, and ready for my next scene. More importantly, I'm so passionately in love with life. There are certain moments in my life recently that will always have it imprinted in my head. For instance, when my brother flailed his arms in the air while lip singing a remixed Britney Spears song in the car. Another occurrence that left me crying with laughter was at the club watching a foreign man dance all by himself, doing pelvic thrusts and all sorts of moves that reminded me of the movie Borat. Another was when a Zach Gilifianakis doppleganger taught me how to get crump... and his version was more of a seizure like flailing are movement. Quite entertaining. I was able to make my way down to see my sister Mandy last week. Her little Destiney is so curious and is always wanting to be a part of the conversation and getting ready. She even helps Mandy unload her groceries and listens to everything her mama tells her. What a dream child I'd like to emulate someday.
Above all, my last six months of life have be dwelled on a passionate love ride with my one and only Cameron. I can't believe we've made it almost six months. I can't believe I haven't gone completely mad LIVING with him yet. I must be turning a new leaf.
As the holidays roll through, I am glad to be where I'm at and surrounded by those that truly love and care about me. The only thing I feel that I'm lacking is the time I haven't spent with my other niece Aaliyah and her mama, Alaina, my blood. Believe me, my sister lets me know that I am not the best sister I can be, and there may have been more that I could have done to support her or at least visit in this last year but I have been stuck in life's blunder in Seattle. The only place I have fully enjoyed and indulged myself was at of course Burning Man. I love that place and don't ever see myself not going UNLESS, yes, I have my own child or I finally find that job that keeps me more grounded at home. Until then, I'm going to keep living my life and the three jobs I have with my loving yet demanding relationship I now have upon life I have in Seattle. I wish my family wasn't so stinkin spread out across the nation. I miss them.
Life keeps ticking and this Bird has landed.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Nut-case
Love is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.
Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."
I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.
Then again, I am human.
Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."
I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.
Then again, I am human.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Pondering moments at it's best
As I read what I just wrote, I realize how I am such a fool. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I have to live with a feeling completely devoted to one person. A feeling that is so vulnerably kept in the palm of their hands to fuck with. Some people find this completely simple. Maybe because they have a simple life and can accommodate a significant other. As for me, I interact with several minds and interactions throughout the day that leer me one way and then the other. I am not saying I take their opinions in deciding my own thoughts but I have seriously considered this relationship in the last 24 hours. As much I was sure, I can't be that certain anymore. I hate this. I need to stay single for my own good. Should she fly away or make it last...
ugh.
ugh.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Taken
Just two months ago I was sitting here, contemplating life and if I'll ever find someone that will truly make me happy.
Story of my life.
I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love.
I'm scared.
m
Story of my life.
I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love.
I'm scared.
m
Monday, June 20, 2011
Time stopped for him.
Where the hell does one go from here.
My brain has drifted into clouds, my toes and fingertips are often tingly, and I am closing my eyes and picturing something alittle bit different. A clear, midnight sky full of energetic frequencies that started to become more and more parallel. And then, as if the timing and position could not be more perfect, he appears. It was where I started and exactly where I needed to be in that moment. He was right in front of me. And as if we were thinking the same exact thought in that very moment, we walk closer, and realize, it's meant to be. My new life began.
The first touch came from my fingertips as I stared at him in the eyes. My hands lightly touching his arms, and then his face until I reached his lips. I knew then that he is undeniably real. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to fall but the feeling was too addicting. His presence became a drug to me at that moment. I sighed as I felt my heart beating faster; harder. I couldn't speak but I wanted to. I wanted to know I wasn't about to pour the core of my feelings into someone knowing it could very well be wasted on a thoughtless night of impulsive lust. He gazed into my eyes and stole my resisting thoughts like I was blindly hanging them right over him. I wanted to know everything about him. But that was irrelevant. That all came with time. The moment stood there, like time decided to take a break and then everything made sense. As if a symphony was about to play their first note, as if today was ending and tomorrow was no longer, I let myself fall right upon his lips that fit mine so well. We kissed. The night was ours. Our life began.
Cam.
My brain has drifted into clouds, my toes and fingertips are often tingly, and I am closing my eyes and picturing something alittle bit different. A clear, midnight sky full of energetic frequencies that started to become more and more parallel. And then, as if the timing and position could not be more perfect, he appears. It was where I started and exactly where I needed to be in that moment. He was right in front of me. And as if we were thinking the same exact thought in that very moment, we walk closer, and realize, it's meant to be. My new life began.
The first touch came from my fingertips as I stared at him in the eyes. My hands lightly touching his arms, and then his face until I reached his lips. I knew then that he is undeniably real. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to fall but the feeling was too addicting. His presence became a drug to me at that moment. I sighed as I felt my heart beating faster; harder. I couldn't speak but I wanted to. I wanted to know I wasn't about to pour the core of my feelings into someone knowing it could very well be wasted on a thoughtless night of impulsive lust. He gazed into my eyes and stole my resisting thoughts like I was blindly hanging them right over him. I wanted to know everything about him. But that was irrelevant. That all came with time. The moment stood there, like time decided to take a break and then everything made sense. As if a symphony was about to play their first note, as if today was ending and tomorrow was no longer, I let myself fall right upon his lips that fit mine so well. We kissed. The night was ours. Our life began.
Cam.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The answer.
It's quite funny how life works. I found a few jobs recently. I walked around greenlake today and stumbled across a dog trainer and a beautiful lake as a man with long hair happened to slip right into it and make the photo complete. I learned a few things while walking and talking to one of my closest friends. Simply, BREATHE. Let it all in and realize that it is OK to not know the answer. The answer will find it's way.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Too into the moment.
I just don't know.
My mind at this point is completely messed up. One day, I'm in one direction - hating men and being all my single ladies' best friend. Then the next, I'm trapped in my own emotions and I want more. Some days, I wonder what my mother would do. Some days, I just lay over the mess and stop caring.
I'm lucky. I have my charm and goofiness, but also physical attraction. I never thought I would end up being this way. I can choose who I want to be with. I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. But, how do I know it's right? How can I pour all my feelings in one person or even career for the rest of my life, when I know it could be better, more satisfying elsewhere. I've watched it all before my own eyes. I've experienced it. I'm afraid. I'm tainted and a little jaded. I want it but I want it the right way. Hence why I must play the field for my own damn good. My brother tells me that men will come and go in my life; they waste my time. Maybe he's right. But maybe, it's too late.
Summer is here. Times are getting more distracting. Burning man is becoming more of a priority and all I really want to do right now is work hard, make money so that by the end of the summer, I can live again. My dreams are those that don't require most of my awake life in front of a screen, working a nine to five. My dreams ache for something more... something that requires depth, growth, and exotic opportunities..
The time of my life is NOW.
My mind at this point is completely messed up. One day, I'm in one direction - hating men and being all my single ladies' best friend. Then the next, I'm trapped in my own emotions and I want more. Some days, I wonder what my mother would do. Some days, I just lay over the mess and stop caring.
I'm lucky. I have my charm and goofiness, but also physical attraction. I never thought I would end up being this way. I can choose who I want to be with. I can choose how I want to live the rest of my life. But, how do I know it's right? How can I pour all my feelings in one person or even career for the rest of my life, when I know it could be better, more satisfying elsewhere. I've watched it all before my own eyes. I've experienced it. I'm afraid. I'm tainted and a little jaded. I want it but I want it the right way. Hence why I must play the field for my own damn good. My brother tells me that men will come and go in my life; they waste my time. Maybe he's right. But maybe, it's too late.
Summer is here. Times are getting more distracting. Burning man is becoming more of a priority and all I really want to do right now is work hard, make money so that by the end of the summer, I can live again. My dreams are those that don't require most of my awake life in front of a screen, working a nine to five. My dreams ache for something more... something that requires depth, growth, and exotic opportunities..
The time of my life is NOW.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Flying into a new year; new life.
I... Got inspired.
Feathers... such a simple thing, yet so satisfying. It's fragile nature and soft approach makes anyone look so elegant, so flawless. Weightless and free to live and be wherever they choose. To see life in the most beautifully perfect way, as it should always be. Oh feathers, you complete me.
-M.Bird
Feathers... such a simple thing, yet so satisfying. It's fragile nature and soft approach makes anyone look so elegant, so flawless. Weightless and free to live and be wherever they choose. To see life in the most beautifully perfect way, as it should always be. Oh feathers, you complete me.
-M.Bird
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Jagged morning.
Sometimes, all I want to do is run. Run away from all my obligations in life and find some sort of outdoor summer energy in the air to take me to a better state in mind. Being tough catches up to me. I can't pretend or bluff it all the time. I swirled my energy around this last week in all sorts of different directions. Playing it "cool" and listening too much. Now I have the thought of Mother's day coming up and my 25th birthday that I haven't even began to wrap my head around yet. I just feel like a getaway.
I want my mom to fall back on; to embrace when I'm in a sticky situation. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO SO SOON?! I wish I could shake her soul and then hold her hand and walk her back to life. Tell her things will get better and I'll never leave her side ever again. I bet if I led her the right way and hung out with her she wouldn't have left so soon. Same with my grandfather.
I am looking back at this year. The parties, the drinking, the boys, the jobs, living at the Buddhaful house. Is this the direction I wanted? I'm questioning my actions today more than any other day and feel like I need to shift a few things around. Stick the drinking back in the cabinet, tell the parties I'll take a rain check, stop wasting my time on stupid fucking boys, and move out of the house and friends that facilitates all of that. I'm over it. I want a fresh new start.
I'm going to start finding new activities. Maybe a team to be a part of once again. Some classes I can start taking to better myself. A guitar. A sewing machine. Another outlet to direct my thoughts and views on this crazy life I've obtained thus far. Who knows, maybe after burning man this year I can actually make a move out of this country.
I want to be so much in my life. I just hope I don't disappoint myself down the road. I know my mom would be proud of me. Her support always drove me further.
I miss her so much but I know that is not my life anymore and it will never be. ::slapping my face:: I got this.
I'm glad I got that out... whew.
I want my mom to fall back on; to embrace when I'm in a sticky situation. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO SO SOON?! I wish I could shake her soul and then hold her hand and walk her back to life. Tell her things will get better and I'll never leave her side ever again. I bet if I led her the right way and hung out with her she wouldn't have left so soon. Same with my grandfather.
I am looking back at this year. The parties, the drinking, the boys, the jobs, living at the Buddhaful house. Is this the direction I wanted? I'm questioning my actions today more than any other day and feel like I need to shift a few things around. Stick the drinking back in the cabinet, tell the parties I'll take a rain check, stop wasting my time on stupid fucking boys, and move out of the house and friends that facilitates all of that. I'm over it. I want a fresh new start.
I'm going to start finding new activities. Maybe a team to be a part of once again. Some classes I can start taking to better myself. A guitar. A sewing machine. Another outlet to direct my thoughts and views on this crazy life I've obtained thus far. Who knows, maybe after burning man this year I can actually make a move out of this country.
I want to be so much in my life. I just hope I don't disappoint myself down the road. I know my mom would be proud of me. Her support always drove me further.
I miss her so much but I know that is not my life anymore and it will never be. ::slapping my face:: I got this.
I'm glad I got that out... whew.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Needy thoughts; ambitious delerium.
I have decided yesterday that I will be on a healthy kick. Today, I've managed to pass on going out but yet still eat alot of food. I'm constructing lists to enforce that I remember to make myself feel bad if I don't get it done. I need to stop being afraid. hah. That is the last thing my friends would say that I am. But that one feeling and that other one called love are the only two REAL feelings that each one of us truly feels. Everything else is branched off from that core feeling of fear and love. I read that somewhere. Makes sense right? So fear I must fight. every. day.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not focused enough to point my finger and say THAT is what I'm supposed to do today. "Sorry friends, I can't go to the park on this fine day and have a picnic" ... "Sorry photographer, I cannot make this shoot happen for the benefit of your portfolio" ... "Sorry booze, I cannot continue to let me feel good and distract me from my obligations tomorrow." Sorry. I get it. I'm mislead into a for-now-happiness and a let-down-future. I need more. When will that fucking light bulb go on already?
Tomorrow will be my new day. I will wake up and run outside. Breathe spring's motivation and ignore the clouds around it. I am going to taste a plan tomorrow and man it's going to be sweet. A friend wants to see me but he's just going to have to wait. I can feel it taking me over into a dazzling reflection of the water's echo. I can see myself, glowing with excitement for my next, fulfilling project (whatever that may be) while allowing my partner to let his satisfied soul rest where mine is. And life will be good.
I want to have my own indoor pool where I can have private events. Splash the interior with bright, vibrant colors with lights streaming along the sides and around the pool. A ceiling of a clear, sun-fulled, blue sky with real palm trees in the corners. Maybe even a slide. And the pool takes up half the room that is half the size of a football field.
I want a clothing line filled with feathers. I want a feather-rimmed skirt with feather arm warmers and barrettes. I want feather patterns and flying birds printed on my t-shirts and skirts. Bright shirts only. I want my own dang feather symbol already.
I want to have a studio where I can create such fine pieces of material with all sorts of fabrics and buttons and a couple sewing machines, but not only that. I want a music area where I can have beautiful sounds flowing out of my room with mounds of motivation behind it. I also want a canvas in my crafty room so I can paint what I feel in my head that can't be explained and a pottery area in case I want to get my hands dirty or accidentally break dishes and need more.
I want to take amazing pictures with a 35 mm digital camera. PLEASE. I want them all to be of my traveling through the world's adventures. I want to sky dive each place I go to and I want no one to come with me.
I REALLY need voice lessons. That way I can start being more confident on stage or wherever I am.
I want to win the lottery so I can accomplish all of this. I wish I was raised in a world of non-monetary things. My goals could be accomplished much easier that way. I hope I find my nitch and I'm proud of myself for it because so far... well, I still have a ways and I'm just getting started.
I want to be crazy in a good way all the time and I want my success to prove it. That is all. Good night.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not focused enough to point my finger and say THAT is what I'm supposed to do today. "Sorry friends, I can't go to the park on this fine day and have a picnic" ... "Sorry photographer, I cannot make this shoot happen for the benefit of your portfolio" ... "Sorry booze, I cannot continue to let me feel good and distract me from my obligations tomorrow." Sorry. I get it. I'm mislead into a for-now-happiness and a let-down-future. I need more. When will that fucking light bulb go on already?
Tomorrow will be my new day. I will wake up and run outside. Breathe spring's motivation and ignore the clouds around it. I am going to taste a plan tomorrow and man it's going to be sweet. A friend wants to see me but he's just going to have to wait. I can feel it taking me over into a dazzling reflection of the water's echo. I can see myself, glowing with excitement for my next, fulfilling project (whatever that may be) while allowing my partner to let his satisfied soul rest where mine is. And life will be good.
I want to have my own indoor pool where I can have private events. Splash the interior with bright, vibrant colors with lights streaming along the sides and around the pool. A ceiling of a clear, sun-fulled, blue sky with real palm trees in the corners. Maybe even a slide. And the pool takes up half the room that is half the size of a football field.
I want a clothing line filled with feathers. I want a feather-rimmed skirt with feather arm warmers and barrettes. I want feather patterns and flying birds printed on my t-shirts and skirts. Bright shirts only. I want my own dang feather symbol already.
I want to have a studio where I can create such fine pieces of material with all sorts of fabrics and buttons and a couple sewing machines, but not only that. I want a music area where I can have beautiful sounds flowing out of my room with mounds of motivation behind it. I also want a canvas in my crafty room so I can paint what I feel in my head that can't be explained and a pottery area in case I want to get my hands dirty or accidentally break dishes and need more.
I want to take amazing pictures with a 35 mm digital camera. PLEASE. I want them all to be of my traveling through the world's adventures. I want to sky dive each place I go to and I want no one to come with me.
I REALLY need voice lessons. That way I can start being more confident on stage or wherever I am.
I want to win the lottery so I can accomplish all of this. I wish I was raised in a world of non-monetary things. My goals could be accomplished much easier that way. I hope I find my nitch and I'm proud of myself for it because so far... well, I still have a ways and I'm just getting started.
I want to be crazy in a good way all the time and I want my success to prove it. That is all. Good night.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Slap-in-the-face day.
Gosh I wake up too late.
Dreaming, I blame.
The world is doomed.
My brother is leaving soon.
Life seems quiet.
...
..
.
Catching up.......... No tears, no heartbreaks, no games. Life is good but not potent enough for me. I am always craving something with more flavor and style. More beautiful problems to handle. A pleasurable misery sounds good to me. Going out remains the same, until my brother leaves that is. It's hard to say no with him around. I want more to my life all the time. And it doesn't have to be about love. I need to start making moves. I TURN 25 NEXT MONTH. yikes.
I need a life disciplinary WAKE the FUCK UP call. I keep existing in places that will never make me ultimately happy in the end.
Today, I will ponder. Let those thoughts resonate and come up with a plan to conquer and dominate and TAKE control of my life. If I don't, I will be in an undying search for it. GAH. If I could only win the lottery, I could rule this messed up, corrupt world.
At the end of the day, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Content and ready to learn.
The end.
Dreaming, I blame.
The world is doomed.
My brother is leaving soon.
Life seems quiet.
...
..
.
Catching up.......... No tears, no heartbreaks, no games. Life is good but not potent enough for me. I am always craving something with more flavor and style. More beautiful problems to handle. A pleasurable misery sounds good to me. Going out remains the same, until my brother leaves that is. It's hard to say no with him around. I want more to my life all the time. And it doesn't have to be about love. I need to start making moves. I TURN 25 NEXT MONTH. yikes.
I need a life disciplinary WAKE the FUCK UP call. I keep existing in places that will never make me ultimately happy in the end.
Today, I will ponder. Let those thoughts resonate and come up with a plan to conquer and dominate and TAKE control of my life. If I don't, I will be in an undying search for it. GAH. If I could only win the lottery, I could rule this messed up, corrupt world.
At the end of the day, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Content and ready to learn.
The end.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Marching forward; no looking back.
As the New Year has arrived in full force. I have found myself quite minimal in my prospective writing abilities that I just didn't care. I have also propelled a few activities and eliminated some other thoughts and activities completely. Right now, I'm content with where I'm at mentally. Finally and again.
For a while, I was stuck on someone that was stuck on someone else. It was a painful chain of attached feelings and with the strength of my experiences dealing with these same feelings before, I was finally able to let it go and fade away. I kept holding on for something that it simply could not be... I wouldn't say never, but not now. Definitely. I only wish him the best.
That happened about a month ago.
Since then, I've focused alot more on my ladies that stand by my side no matter what once again and I've been going out and working out in between working more, well until recently. I wouldn't say it's been unhealthy lately, but I've taken my going out and actually functioning the next day to a whole different level. Maybe it's to numb the pain. But I think more importantly, I'm having fun. I am having so much fucking fun I can't help but smile.
I found a path for myself above all else and that is the most important of them all. I am getting closer to a career of my own and a life I will love. I'm ready. So unbelievably ready.
As I come to these new realizations in my life, I let go of ones that just did NOT work for me. I have sacrificed a chunk of my happiness working at my latest job. I got fired yes. But I asked for it. Came into work feeling sick, threw up right in front of the place and got sent home. Hours later, I receive a TEXT saying I've been let go. Really. In a way I was embarrassed, but for the most part I'm relieved. I now have more opportunities of being greater that lie ahead. I now can say, within the seven lousy months that I worked there, I am now a part of the 16 people that have been let go like I have or simply walked out.
This is a funny time in my life right now. I've been going out and creating such miraculous moments that will not go unforgotten. I've met such talented people and I've been laughing uncontrollably in between with those that make me the happiest. This last weekend was NOTHING short of that. This weekend was like a parade after that big, long rainstorm that defines my last job. That rollercoaster of emotions and feeling like I was not good enough had VANISHED after this weekend. We went to see a marching band, but I can guarantee it is not what one would think. 30 instrumentalists, face paint, and a whole lot of gypsy, free spirits make the March Fourth Marching Band. And after all the chanting, stomping and dancing was done, they all decided to take it all to the house and jam out some more. Up until the wee hours in the morning, we were creating magical sounds and sharing dreams. It was inspiring to say the LEAST.
THANK you for the ride you guys. I'm going to find them at the burn this year. I must.
SPEAKING OF.
After three productive camp meetings, my group and I still haven't come up with a GOOD theme and I'm starting to get worried, since we only have a couple weeks until our proposal must be submitted. EEK! We have BIG ideas this year. Bigger than any other year of course. And we're trying to figure out what will make us shine. Lego Castle camp? FireFLIES camp with a fire truck? Big ol' Furry ANIMAL camp? We have some humps to get over.
Until then, I will be gradually seeking employment while receiving unemployment, creating ideas, taking mini road trips, brewing more dreams for my future, and playing with hearts if they deserve it. Don't take that the wrong way silly boys. =)
Hawl... ERR.
For a while, I was stuck on someone that was stuck on someone else. It was a painful chain of attached feelings and with the strength of my experiences dealing with these same feelings before, I was finally able to let it go and fade away. I kept holding on for something that it simply could not be... I wouldn't say never, but not now. Definitely. I only wish him the best.
That happened about a month ago.
Since then, I've focused alot more on my ladies that stand by my side no matter what once again and I've been going out and working out in between working more, well until recently. I wouldn't say it's been unhealthy lately, but I've taken my going out and actually functioning the next day to a whole different level. Maybe it's to numb the pain. But I think more importantly, I'm having fun. I am having so much fucking fun I can't help but smile.
I found a path for myself above all else and that is the most important of them all. I am getting closer to a career of my own and a life I will love. I'm ready. So unbelievably ready.
As I come to these new realizations in my life, I let go of ones that just did NOT work for me. I have sacrificed a chunk of my happiness working at my latest job. I got fired yes. But I asked for it. Came into work feeling sick, threw up right in front of the place and got sent home. Hours later, I receive a TEXT saying I've been let go. Really. In a way I was embarrassed, but for the most part I'm relieved. I now have more opportunities of being greater that lie ahead. I now can say, within the seven lousy months that I worked there, I am now a part of the 16 people that have been let go like I have or simply walked out.
This is a funny time in my life right now. I've been going out and creating such miraculous moments that will not go unforgotten. I've met such talented people and I've been laughing uncontrollably in between with those that make me the happiest. This last weekend was NOTHING short of that. This weekend was like a parade after that big, long rainstorm that defines my last job. That rollercoaster of emotions and feeling like I was not good enough had VANISHED after this weekend. We went to see a marching band, but I can guarantee it is not what one would think. 30 instrumentalists, face paint, and a whole lot of gypsy, free spirits make the March Fourth Marching Band. And after all the chanting, stomping and dancing was done, they all decided to take it all to the house and jam out some more. Up until the wee hours in the morning, we were creating magical sounds and sharing dreams. It was inspiring to say the LEAST.
THANK you for the ride you guys. I'm going to find them at the burn this year. I must.
SPEAKING OF.
After three productive camp meetings, my group and I still haven't come up with a GOOD theme and I'm starting to get worried, since we only have a couple weeks until our proposal must be submitted. EEK! We have BIG ideas this year. Bigger than any other year of course. And we're trying to figure out what will make us shine. Lego Castle camp? FireFLIES camp with a fire truck? Big ol' Furry ANIMAL camp? We have some humps to get over.
Until then, I will be gradually seeking employment while receiving unemployment, creating ideas, taking mini road trips, brewing more dreams for my future, and playing with hearts if they deserve it. Don't take that the wrong way silly boys. =)
Hawl... ERR.
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