My actions and their opinions.

Today and Last night I realized there's alot of things I'm not proud of. I'm upset with my present and I'm scared for my future but my past I realized I must learn from. I can't look back at my life in regret. I can't let myself have guilt built in so much that I fall and break. My life is MY LIFE and no one elses. I realized my actions and the way I am is what I have to accept, whether I like it or not. I can't be ashamed of the person I've become or the actions I have made. I just need to move on.

Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.

All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters

I can't do this alone.

I looked at the sunset this evening... I see the sky..

I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.

Today I took a step back

Sometimes the world seems like a monster. The world consumes you of your individualism, and everyday lives are merely a puppet show of what youre SUPPOSED to do. People walk to where they are SUPPOSED to go, wear what they are SUPPOSED to wear, act how they are SUPPOSED to act to creat an accepting images of themselves. People get caught up in these so-called lives to make ends meet and live how they WANT to live. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out of this puppet show that I'm living right now. I'm living this supposed life to hopefully get a break in the end. I'm not by ANY means where I want to be in at this time in my life, then again I know I am young and I have time to grow. But still, that doesn't seem solid enough. My future is so uncertain to me that it scares me just thinking about it. I want to find a path, or even a base of something that can take me to the top eventually. I want to find it now so I can learn and grow from it. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel stupid staying at this spot in my life when I know I can do better. I see it happen to people all the time. They finally win the lottery, or they finally meet someone that changed their life for the better, or they finally got a raise and moved up in the company, or they finally got a big pay back from all the shit they have gone through. I want to have something come my way like it has for some of the people around me. I just know I'm better than this.

I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..

I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!

good morning world.

It's a new year!! woop dee dooo

my resolution:

I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."

I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.

ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo

mik