WOW. I just read my last blog and knew it was time to update. Since the landmark forum. I have been taking the seminar series followed after it. It's 3 hours every monday... just to keep you in check. WELL, the class has shortened to about half... and I seem to be falling off the edge myself. I'm trying to be POWERFUL with my life and find some sort of order but I realized it's not that easy.
My life lately has been nothing but a waste of time. I've been going out WAYYY to much for my own good. I keep telling myself I'll find another job the next day and end up sleeping through it because I went out the night before. I hate settling for just the satisfactory type of things, jobs, people, living conditions... I know I have AMAZING PEOPLE in my life but that isn't going to help me move forward. I know it's only up to me to succeed. A friend told me this the other day "If you think you're beat, YOU ARE. If you think you dare not, YOU DON'T. You got to think high to rise, or it's almost sure YOU WON'T." I am finding that to be more and more true the more I'm living the life I live right now. I need structure, discipline, coaching but I am so lost I can't seem to find anything. Ha haa I just saw the analogy in my head. I'm bikeriding on a trail that takes me into the woods and then I hit a twig... I fall off the trail down the hill and now I'm deep in a woody forest I can't get out of. Not to mention I'm bleeding and NEED help but I can hardly move and I don't know which direction to go to get help. So I limping, gasping, looking for ANYTHING to grab onto to get me somewhere where I can rest and be safe, but it becomes more apparent that I'm going farther and farther away from my destination, whatever it may be. I see this analogy in my life. As I fell of the trail... I made one bad move and my world falls apart. Now I'm lost... lost on what to do with my life... where to settle... what will mazimize my potential the most. And I feel like all these half ass jobs that I keep getting, are keeping me farther and farther from what I REALLY want to with my life. So I drink... go out... try to ignore the fact that I have a list of problems in my life that have been unsolved... untouched. And it just keeps getting bigger. I realize all of this and yet I keep on running from what I know I should be doing to make it right. I smile. Look pretty. Attract so many people around me to make them believe something that I'm not. Then when I go home, when I'm alone (like right now), I am ashamed. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I sometimes cry if even one person has a deep conversation about how I am doing. God, I just wish I could find a way to make it right again.
BTW, the boy I talked about before... that was short-lived. It wasn't too long before he disappointed me.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Into The Wild... Out of the ordinary
WOOO what a month it has been! I completed the Landmark Forum and the Advanced Course, which is AWESOME! I think everyone should take this class, too bad it costs so much, otherwise I would be dragging everyone I know into this place!!
Let me go into the landmark education. First you are sitting there like "who the hell is this guy and why is he telling me that he already knows what we think and who we are?" You start passing judgements to yourself that this isn't something you need and maybe its a cult or some religious thing. Then that is when the ride begins. We go through this analogy of where we see ourselves and our future now and then expanding our thoughts into this new realm of possibility! It really just resets your thought process positively. Who says you can love the life you live and that you can't be happy anyway? oh. yeah. It's YOURSELF. It's like you listen to the inner dialogue in your head as if it is yourself but it really isn't. It is actually everything you're not, but people still seem to believe that they are. The Forum rocked my world and has not changed me as a person but has changed the decisions I make or the way I see things.
Anyway, this blog can't be a blog written by Mikaela unless she had SOME sort of a boy involved! So, I have been hanging out with this guy this weekend and I seem to have this little crush on him! He took me out to see this amazing movie called Into the Wild which is a fucking powerful movie!! He put his hand on my leg at one point and it kinda got all fuzzy inside... HAHA! love it. Gosh I love these feelings coming back again! But I think I really do like this guy and I am anxious to see how it turns out!! Stay tuned.
Ok Mikaela is now about to fall asleep on the keyboard as I'm closing myeyes while talking.
UNTIL next time...
Let me go into the landmark education. First you are sitting there like "who the hell is this guy and why is he telling me that he already knows what we think and who we are?" You start passing judgements to yourself that this isn't something you need and maybe its a cult or some religious thing. Then that is when the ride begins. We go through this analogy of where we see ourselves and our future now and then expanding our thoughts into this new realm of possibility! It really just resets your thought process positively. Who says you can love the life you live and that you can't be happy anyway? oh. yeah. It's YOURSELF. It's like you listen to the inner dialogue in your head as if it is yourself but it really isn't. It is actually everything you're not, but people still seem to believe that they are. The Forum rocked my world and has not changed me as a person but has changed the decisions I make or the way I see things.
Anyway, this blog can't be a blog written by Mikaela unless she had SOME sort of a boy involved! So, I have been hanging out with this guy this weekend and I seem to have this little crush on him! He took me out to see this amazing movie called Into the Wild which is a fucking powerful movie!! He put his hand on my leg at one point and it kinda got all fuzzy inside... HAHA! love it. Gosh I love these feelings coming back again! But I think I really do like this guy and I am anxious to see how it turns out!! Stay tuned.
Ok Mikaela is now about to fall asleep on the keyboard as I'm closing myeyes while talking.
UNTIL next time...
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Over summer...
Well, it has been a while since I updated so I figured I was use today as an opportunity.
As of now, I'm struggling with finding the right job for me. It seems like every time I feel like I'm going in the right direction in finding the perfect job... there always seems to be a twist and becomes something I'm not into. I need to find something more. Something different. SOMETHING that can make me a living. I need a job. BAD.
I told myself I was going to wait on school for another year. I am definitely not stable enough to find peace and balance. It just sucks looking at my other friends that are my age and have everything given to them from their parents. Apartment bills, cell phone bills, new cars, going out money, paying for tuition... basically paying for their life so they don't have to worry about it. UGGHHH I will never get over that.
Today I realized what I wanted when a grow up and find my peace and balance. Wanna know? Guess you don't have a choice huh. WELL, here goes:
MIKAELA'S DREAM FUTURE
~ Get married on top of a mountain
~ Have twins with a maximum of 3-4 kids all together
~ Be able to take my family snow boarding and jet-skiing all within a close distance of where I will live
~ Have a hammock
~ And a tire swing
~ And a willow tree in the front yard
~ Build a tree fort
~ Pool and hot tub outside
~ Grow blackberry bushes and apple trees
~ Fireplace is a MUST
I know there's gotta be more... but MAN that would be a happy mikaela if that came true... OH! of course prince charming has gotta be taller than and be and handsome ;)
Speaking of men, YES I am still with Douglas.... everything seems to be going better actually. By better, I mean that things haven't really been all that great lately. Both of us are still pretty broke and I get very moody with the man. In a way I kind of feel bad but I really think he deserves it. He needs to get his butt in gear and since no one else is doing it for him, I figure I would start to take the initiative. We have kinda fought off and on for the past month up until about a week ago... I hate drama and fighting and to avoid all of that, it's even more drama to explain. For example, when he drinks I know there is going to be trouble. He gets excessive on everything... jealousy, anger, drunk and all together humiliatinggg! Not to mention, he just called me from the DMB concert and he is HAMMERED. Funny man. I have learned to get over it and at the same time act more like a girlfriend... its just kinda boring sometimes... arhgg.
Anyway, I am going out with the girls on this fine sunday night and must continue the story of my life at a later date!
As of now, I'm struggling with finding the right job for me. It seems like every time I feel like I'm going in the right direction in finding the perfect job... there always seems to be a twist and becomes something I'm not into. I need to find something more. Something different. SOMETHING that can make me a living. I need a job. BAD.
I told myself I was going to wait on school for another year. I am definitely not stable enough to find peace and balance. It just sucks looking at my other friends that are my age and have everything given to them from their parents. Apartment bills, cell phone bills, new cars, going out money, paying for tuition... basically paying for their life so they don't have to worry about it. UGGHHH I will never get over that.
Today I realized what I wanted when a grow up and find my peace and balance. Wanna know? Guess you don't have a choice huh. WELL, here goes:
MIKAELA'S DREAM FUTURE
~ Get married on top of a mountain
~ Have twins with a maximum of 3-4 kids all together
~ Be able to take my family snow boarding and jet-skiing all within a close distance of where I will live
~ Have a hammock
~ And a tire swing
~ And a willow tree in the front yard
~ Build a tree fort
~ Pool and hot tub outside
~ Grow blackberry bushes and apple trees
~ Fireplace is a MUST
I know there's gotta be more... but MAN that would be a happy mikaela if that came true... OH! of course prince charming has gotta be taller than and be and handsome ;)
Speaking of men, YES I am still with Douglas.... everything seems to be going better actually. By better, I mean that things haven't really been all that great lately. Both of us are still pretty broke and I get very moody with the man. In a way I kind of feel bad but I really think he deserves it. He needs to get his butt in gear and since no one else is doing it for him, I figure I would start to take the initiative. We have kinda fought off and on for the past month up until about a week ago... I hate drama and fighting and to avoid all of that, it's even more drama to explain. For example, when he drinks I know there is going to be trouble. He gets excessive on everything... jealousy, anger, drunk and all together humiliatinggg! Not to mention, he just called me from the DMB concert and he is HAMMERED. Funny man. I have learned to get over it and at the same time act more like a girlfriend... its just kinda boring sometimes... arhgg.
Anyway, I am going out with the girls on this fine sunday night and must continue the story of my life at a later date!
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Then and Now
It's late and I'm wide awake. I'm alone and there's no one else to talk to. I just started reading back on some of these posts and it really got me thinking again. Well, about one particular person. I could cry right now for all the pain and amount of time I put into this person. But I'm not. I just can't believe it's over. Allllll the waiting, suffering, anticipating, and dependence on this person has gone down the drain. Sometimes I wonder, what if everything was exactly how I imagined it. Is there more I can have with someone else? Will it weigh down on my future partners? How could anyone compare at this point? The fact of the matter is that it's in the past. No matter what situation comes next, the better or for the worse, it will be an adventure to learn from. If anything, I'm realizing what I like in men! Yeah, I loved once. It was HARD but I felt it from the tips of my fingers, down my spine, swirling in my stomach, to the tips of my toes. And to think that person is still out there, even though they deceived me and lead me to believe false interpretations. This person got to me on so many different levels that I can't be mad. I can't stop thinking about it when it was all I thought about for god knows how long. I was in the deepest of loves anyone could possibly feel and it's going to hurt looking back for the rest of my life. I wish I could take back all that time. I wish I could be directed to love the right person - but I didn't. I just went with it, without thinking twice. I guess that's what love does right? It practically blinded me from everything. Not anymore though. It's gone but for some reason I still tear up thinking about it. My heart still pounds and races just like it used to when this person came to mind.. After all this time, it has finally ended. I must go on.
...
..
.
.
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Doug's out partying right now. Usually we spend every free moment together, but today we parted ways. No reason in particular. I miss him right now. He really makes me happy. I want to love him like I once loved before. He completely supports me and he cracks me up all the time. He tells me he's in it for the long run too. He trusts me and I do the same. I LIKE him and for the first time I'm PROUD to say he's my boyfriend. I'm going to really try to make this work out with him... :-) I think I have to keep reminding myself to keep it slow and steady. Don't over-do it. I gotta make this one last. There is no one else I'd rather be with at this moment than him. He can make everything alright.
I know it's pretty lame that I'm only talking about my love life, but I really don't feel like writing anything else. That's the only thing right now that I feel the most passionate about. and to think its a GOOD thing!!
more on this later... guarunteed
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..
.
.
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Doug's out partying right now. Usually we spend every free moment together, but today we parted ways. No reason in particular. I miss him right now. He really makes me happy. I want to love him like I once loved before. He completely supports me and he cracks me up all the time. He tells me he's in it for the long run too. He trusts me and I do the same. I LIKE him and for the first time I'm PROUD to say he's my boyfriend. I'm going to really try to make this work out with him... :-) I think I have to keep reminding myself to keep it slow and steady. Don't over-do it. I gotta make this one last. There is no one else I'd rather be with at this moment than him. He can make everything alright.
I know it's pretty lame that I'm only talking about my love life, but I really don't feel like writing anything else. That's the only thing right now that I feel the most passionate about. and to think its a GOOD thing!!
more on this later... guarunteed
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
BRAVO on the events of this week....
I have no motivation. I spent the whole day on my feet fulfilling my duties I have set aside for months now. It's nice knowing that it's done though. Plus I worked out so hard yesterday that my whole body is effing SORE.
You'd think I've had alot of time on my hands to conquer these projects I've made for myself. WELL, thats just it. I DO. I officially got fired from Rock Bottom yesterday. Yup, I'm finally fucking FREE for once. I've wanted to quit that place anyway. The mood everyone has going in there just makes it so hard to come in every day. Not only that, the management is so unprofessional, like when they decide to gossip about eachothers lives that they're so involved in rather than helping the restaurant run alittle smoother. Or even when the management hangs out with the staff outside of work and flaunts naked pictures of eachother!! Basically, I'm glad I'm out of there.
So for the rest of this week starting yesterday, I plan on getting all my shit done that I've set aside for god knows how long and then party my pants off until friday. THEN, Doug and I are going to visit his parents! He keeps talking it up so much now I can't wait either!! I guess they have an entirely remodeled house with a nice pool in Yakima!! I just want to do something with him rather than drink and sleep like we do most of the time we spend together. It will definitely be nice. GOD, after all the drama that happened between me and Doug (by which neither of us caused), I can say that I'm so fucking happy to be in his arms. I've gone bonkers with men lately and he is the only one that doesn't drive me completely nuts. It's really a normal relationship that we have and its so refreshing too! He's pretty much like a best friend to me, on another level of course. haha, ok I'll stop ranting about my Douglas :-)
Anywho, Pam seems to be getting better, now that she knows shes going to be behind bars eventually and she lost her kids and almost the man of her life. SHE IS SO DAMN LUCKY SHE HAS A GUY LIKE MY DAD!! He has been there for her and her children, supporting them 100%. I hope she realizes that. I'm still pissed at her. I'm not even quite sure how to approach her because I wouldn't really know what to say, at least in a nice way! Everything that shes been going through in her life recently has been negative. I don't want to be like, "so uh, how was losing your kids? you must have alooot of time on your hands now!" OR "Man, you should thank my dad for all the shit you put him through!" I REALLY WISH I COULD SAY THAT!!! I think I'll wait until she comes up to me I think. Regardless of when me and her interact, it's not going to be pretty.
alright, I'm going to pass out if I don't start moving more than just my fingers! Until next time...
TATA!
You'd think I've had alot of time on my hands to conquer these projects I've made for myself. WELL, thats just it. I DO. I officially got fired from Rock Bottom yesterday. Yup, I'm finally fucking FREE for once. I've wanted to quit that place anyway. The mood everyone has going in there just makes it so hard to come in every day. Not only that, the management is so unprofessional, like when they decide to gossip about eachothers lives that they're so involved in rather than helping the restaurant run alittle smoother. Or even when the management hangs out with the staff outside of work and flaunts naked pictures of eachother!! Basically, I'm glad I'm out of there.
So for the rest of this week starting yesterday, I plan on getting all my shit done that I've set aside for god knows how long and then party my pants off until friday. THEN, Doug and I are going to visit his parents! He keeps talking it up so much now I can't wait either!! I guess they have an entirely remodeled house with a nice pool in Yakima!! I just want to do something with him rather than drink and sleep like we do most of the time we spend together. It will definitely be nice. GOD, after all the drama that happened between me and Doug (by which neither of us caused), I can say that I'm so fucking happy to be in his arms. I've gone bonkers with men lately and he is the only one that doesn't drive me completely nuts. It's really a normal relationship that we have and its so refreshing too! He's pretty much like a best friend to me, on another level of course. haha, ok I'll stop ranting about my Douglas :-)
Anywho, Pam seems to be getting better, now that she knows shes going to be behind bars eventually and she lost her kids and almost the man of her life. SHE IS SO DAMN LUCKY SHE HAS A GUY LIKE MY DAD!! He has been there for her and her children, supporting them 100%. I hope she realizes that. I'm still pissed at her. I'm not even quite sure how to approach her because I wouldn't really know what to say, at least in a nice way! Everything that shes been going through in her life recently has been negative. I don't want to be like, "so uh, how was losing your kids? you must have alooot of time on your hands now!" OR "Man, you should thank my dad for all the shit you put him through!" I REALLY WISH I COULD SAY THAT!!! I think I'll wait until she comes up to me I think. Regardless of when me and her interact, it's not going to be pretty.
alright, I'm going to pass out if I don't start moving more than just my fingers! Until next time...
TATA!
Monday, June 11, 2007
10 Minutes
I figure I would update my life and whats been going on since alot has lately. FOR ONE, I'm no longer a single lady!! I know pretty crazy right? But I found a guy that I believe can really make me happy for the time being. I say that because I don't believe any relationship I have will last until I turn 35. Speaking of age, I am now 21!! It's pretty awesome the fact that I can go anywhere and flip out my card and theres no more questioning, no more hesitation, no more YOUTH! It's funny because I have been hanging out with Doug, mah boyfriend, for about 4 months now and he really didn't come around until after I turned 21. Regardless, as far as life goes for me right now, I'm doing really well I think.
On the flip side, my dad isn't. His girlfriend went off the deep end. She now has a REALLY bad drinking problem, ironically very similar to how it was for my mother. She went to rehab for a month and craved alcohol the entire time. Now ever since she's been out she's been a raging alcoholic and a person no one really knows anymore. My dad has been just that to her kids and I'm so happy for that. The kids need parental guidance, if not from their own mother and father at least my dad can be there for them. His girlfriend got a police escort the other day to take the kids away from him and he's been sad ever since.
Anyway, I'll update on the story later, my ten minutes is up!
On the flip side, my dad isn't. His girlfriend went off the deep end. She now has a REALLY bad drinking problem, ironically very similar to how it was for my mother. She went to rehab for a month and craved alcohol the entire time. Now ever since she's been out she's been a raging alcoholic and a person no one really knows anymore. My dad has been just that to her kids and I'm so happy for that. The kids need parental guidance, if not from their own mother and father at least my dad can be there for them. His girlfriend got a police escort the other day to take the kids away from him and he's been sad ever since.
Anyway, I'll update on the story later, my ten minutes is up!
Monday, May 21, 2007
"Tomorrow will be different from today which was different from yesterday"
Today is Monday. Thursday is my 21st birthday and frankly, I'm terrified of it! This whole weekend is going to be carelessly stirred into a drunken, but LEGAL, act of madness. I wish my stomach could be strong enough for what it's about to endure.
In other news of my life, I seemed to have let my emotions fade and make myself more numb to situations I would normally have feelings for. For instance, doing what I want and not what I need to do to give back what others want. FOR INSTANCE, Doug. If he were to read this he would probably think I'm a nutcase, which lets face it I AM! My best friend even sees it though. She told me the other day, "You know, as much as you shouldn't be hanging out with Doug because he's a douche, I really like seeing you two together." I see the man almost every day and whenever I do, I get jittery and want to act upon what I'm imagining in my head, BUT I KNOW I can't. It's not right yet, and it can only get that way if we actually hang out one on one, talk and solidify the feelings that we want to feel with eachother. He told me the other night when we were about to pass out after a long night of drinking that he wanted to go out on a date with me. LIKE AN ACTUAL DINNER AND MOVIE DATE! I never thought he would say it after all the crap in the past we went through and talked about and agreed that dating eachother wouldn't be the right answer right now. I wanted to freak but instead I replied with a quick, "yeah? cool we should." I just hate giving up feelings for a person and not get what I want out of it, even worse them seeing how much feelings I have for them. At least I got that under control!!
ANYWAY, this last weekend I took a break from Douglas and his friends (kinda) and went off to CANADA for the first time!! I was so stoked. I am acquainted with this guy that is considered in my group of friends as the High-Maitenance, Insecure, Party-crazed Meathead! Anyway, he invited me and whoever else I wanted to bring that was a female (of course) to Canada!! His best friend is the owner of a night club in Seattle, who would be the complete opposite of him, invited him along. He then invites every girl he knows to come along, which wasn't exactly what his best friend instructed him to do. So in all actuality we really weren't that welcome but my party acquaintance sure made it seem so! He even drove us up there in his lifted, black, muscle truck he likes to show off. We get there and meet up with these guys immediately start getting ready to go out. The time comes around midnight and we finally get out to the first club. It was alright, for about the first 5 minutes and then me and my girlfriends start to get bored. We tell everyone that we were going to see what else is in Vancouver and that they were all welcome to come and they all get offended. So we blew them all off for the rest of the night and went our own way around town! Granted we couldn't get into alot of places because I guess you have to be 21 and kristen only had her temporary ID, but we DID indeed get into a few places. One of them is where we met some aussies!! It was awesome... we brought them all back to the hotel with us by the end of the night and oh boy, the guys that were paying for our room who we bailed on earlier definitely got alittle heated. We brushed it off though and partied our butts off until all hours of the night.
The NEXT morning is what BLEW. Our Aussie friends left us and so did the people that we came with to grab breakfast. Noon, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock rolls around and I start getting pissed. I seemed to have gotten angrier and angrier after every minute that went by! FINALLY they show up at 2:30 and I am ready to punch a wall. We finally get into some other dudes car because the guy we came with didn't want to leave yet and left. I was so upset I hardly talked the whole way home. The main reason why I got so upset was because I had to work that evening and I ended up being almost 3 hours late!!! Not only that, but I had not one bite of food until 6 in the evening when the fucker finally dropped us off and we drove to the first fast-food joint that we knew. That whole day sucked ass but the night before definitely kicked ass!
ANYWAY, I've been procrastinating the clean-up of my bedroom that I was supposed to dedicate the whole day for and now I only have about an hour to spend on. haha wooopsy.
later days.
m ihasdkijahsdr
In other news of my life, I seemed to have let my emotions fade and make myself more numb to situations I would normally have feelings for. For instance, doing what I want and not what I need to do to give back what others want. FOR INSTANCE, Doug. If he were to read this he would probably think I'm a nutcase, which lets face it I AM! My best friend even sees it though. She told me the other day, "You know, as much as you shouldn't be hanging out with Doug because he's a douche, I really like seeing you two together." I see the man almost every day and whenever I do, I get jittery and want to act upon what I'm imagining in my head, BUT I KNOW I can't. It's not right yet, and it can only get that way if we actually hang out one on one, talk and solidify the feelings that we want to feel with eachother. He told me the other night when we were about to pass out after a long night of drinking that he wanted to go out on a date with me. LIKE AN ACTUAL DINNER AND MOVIE DATE! I never thought he would say it after all the crap in the past we went through and talked about and agreed that dating eachother wouldn't be the right answer right now. I wanted to freak but instead I replied with a quick, "yeah? cool we should." I just hate giving up feelings for a person and not get what I want out of it, even worse them seeing how much feelings I have for them. At least I got that under control!!
ANYWAY, this last weekend I took a break from Douglas and his friends (kinda) and went off to CANADA for the first time!! I was so stoked. I am acquainted with this guy that is considered in my group of friends as the High-Maitenance, Insecure, Party-crazed Meathead! Anyway, he invited me and whoever else I wanted to bring that was a female (of course) to Canada!! His best friend is the owner of a night club in Seattle, who would be the complete opposite of him, invited him along. He then invites every girl he knows to come along, which wasn't exactly what his best friend instructed him to do. So in all actuality we really weren't that welcome but my party acquaintance sure made it seem so! He even drove us up there in his lifted, black, muscle truck he likes to show off. We get there and meet up with these guys immediately start getting ready to go out. The time comes around midnight and we finally get out to the first club. It was alright, for about the first 5 minutes and then me and my girlfriends start to get bored. We tell everyone that we were going to see what else is in Vancouver and that they were all welcome to come and they all get offended. So we blew them all off for the rest of the night and went our own way around town! Granted we couldn't get into alot of places because I guess you have to be 21 and kristen only had her temporary ID, but we DID indeed get into a few places. One of them is where we met some aussies!! It was awesome... we brought them all back to the hotel with us by the end of the night and oh boy, the guys that were paying for our room who we bailed on earlier definitely got alittle heated. We brushed it off though and partied our butts off until all hours of the night.
The NEXT morning is what BLEW. Our Aussie friends left us and so did the people that we came with to grab breakfast. Noon, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock rolls around and I start getting pissed. I seemed to have gotten angrier and angrier after every minute that went by! FINALLY they show up at 2:30 and I am ready to punch a wall. We finally get into some other dudes car because the guy we came with didn't want to leave yet and left. I was so upset I hardly talked the whole way home. The main reason why I got so upset was because I had to work that evening and I ended up being almost 3 hours late!!! Not only that, but I had not one bite of food until 6 in the evening when the fucker finally dropped us off and we drove to the first fast-food joint that we knew. That whole day sucked ass but the night before definitely kicked ass!
ANYWAY, I've been procrastinating the clean-up of my bedroom that I was supposed to dedicate the whole day for and now I only have about an hour to spend on. haha wooopsy.
later days.
m ihasdkijahsdr
Thursday, May 10, 2007
TORN UP
OK.
Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.
I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....
I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!
TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!
I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!
I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.
I just don't want to.
:-(
Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.
I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....
I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!
TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!
I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!
I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.
I just don't want to.
:-(
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I know it's late. I just got home from watching a CRAZY movie, VACANCY. It definitely gave me the jitters. But what's worth writing about is what happened after. I saw my brother at a bar down the street and I thought Iw ould stop by and say my hellos. My brother is a businessman and is very good at it. Tonight he met some people that really appreciated that. I came in and felt like I was put in the corner for a reason! This older man he was talking to asks me simply, "what is your motivation in life?" I answer back, "My motivation is to learn from the mistakes and lessons I've made and that people around me have made to get where I want to go in life." He asks me why immediately right after and I was stumped. He was testing me not only on my quickness but to see who I am as a person. It was kinda weird not going to lie but I felt like at that moment I was looked down upon almost. This guy was surely a character. By the end of the night I became less aggitated with the man and he ended up liking me. haha figures.
Speaking of, the whole dating thing right now is definitely becoming a mess. As I spend more time with the guys that have asked me out, my strengths of my interests for each one of them are surfacing. It's like its getting down to the wire and I'm being pressed to make a choice because, in all reality, I can't juggle all of them at once. I'm not that much of a player. haha
Anyway, lately I've been blowing off my ex-boyfriend and nhanie and Doug and Justin have made it into the finalist!! haha. Just recently, I've been trying to figure out which one I can see myself with more. I realized it was Doug. I work with him so he witnesses all the drama and gossip that goes on where I work. Monday night we hang out, drink, socialize and he tells me the sweetest things and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the room. That could be because he was around mostly all my friends and in my place. Tuesday night comes around and the tables turn completely. I go over to his house and there is no attention or interest that I receive from him. I figured, meh fine I'll just wait until he cmes around and do my own thang. But he never did. IN FACT, he was spending more time with another girl that we work with and flirting with her. I would see them talking to eachother throughout the night and felt like a fool. Then the end of the night rolls around, and by that point I'm curled up in a ball almost in tears and I hear him go to her and ask if she wants to go hot tubbing!?!? I had it and I ran up the stairs in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw how pathetic I looked. So I dried my eyes, fixd my hair and came out like nothing had phased me. And there he is standing by his room asking me if I want to come in. I told him "at this point I'm ready to sleep on the couch." then he pulled me in and we talked. I found out that the reason why he chose to purposely not talk to me this whole night was because he heard I was dating other people!!! I knew someone would spill the beans. But he can't expect me to not meet guys and hang out with them RIGHT when he's just acquring all these feelings for me. I would drop them in a second IF I knew for a fact that he was going to be with me. But I told him at this point I just don't know what you want to hear. I'm dating YES but I'm not going around fucking everyone, which is probably what you're hearing from the whores that work at our restaurant. I'm DIFFERENT.
So by the end of the night I crawled in bed with him and the next morning he decides to ignore what we talked about last night, so it was kind of awkward. I just wanted to scream!! I was really building a hard crush on him! I feel like it's just gone to shit but we're see. We see eachother at work tomorrow so I guess we'll see how that goes. I feel like he's just going to take the peace card and ignore the whole thing and peace out. haha. whatever man, another reason why I just shouldn't open up my mind and feelings with someone I really like. it's so hard though. And thats all I want is to sit at home and spend all my time with one person that can make me happy and feel the same way as I do. AGH big dreamer over here right?
I just want to get away from here. Get a new job, new home, new life and know that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm making all the wrong steps and ultimately leaves me farther and farther from where I begun.
I'm going to sleep away this complexity of feelings that boggles my mind every day. RAR. life sucks sometimes man.
MOOD: tired :-( but relieved I'm finally sitting here at home by myself.
SONG: "Fall Away" by the Fray. good fuckin song man
Quote: "If you lose control you lose everything."
Speaking of, the whole dating thing right now is definitely becoming a mess. As I spend more time with the guys that have asked me out, my strengths of my interests for each one of them are surfacing. It's like its getting down to the wire and I'm being pressed to make a choice because, in all reality, I can't juggle all of them at once. I'm not that much of a player. haha
Anyway, lately I've been blowing off my ex-boyfriend and nhanie and Doug and Justin have made it into the finalist!! haha. Just recently, I've been trying to figure out which one I can see myself with more. I realized it was Doug. I work with him so he witnesses all the drama and gossip that goes on where I work. Monday night we hang out, drink, socialize and he tells me the sweetest things and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the room. That could be because he was around mostly all my friends and in my place. Tuesday night comes around and the tables turn completely. I go over to his house and there is no attention or interest that I receive from him. I figured, meh fine I'll just wait until he cmes around and do my own thang. But he never did. IN FACT, he was spending more time with another girl that we work with and flirting with her. I would see them talking to eachother throughout the night and felt like a fool. Then the end of the night rolls around, and by that point I'm curled up in a ball almost in tears and I hear him go to her and ask if she wants to go hot tubbing!?!? I had it and I ran up the stairs in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw how pathetic I looked. So I dried my eyes, fixd my hair and came out like nothing had phased me. And there he is standing by his room asking me if I want to come in. I told him "at this point I'm ready to sleep on the couch." then he pulled me in and we talked. I found out that the reason why he chose to purposely not talk to me this whole night was because he heard I was dating other people!!! I knew someone would spill the beans. But he can't expect me to not meet guys and hang out with them RIGHT when he's just acquring all these feelings for me. I would drop them in a second IF I knew for a fact that he was going to be with me. But I told him at this point I just don't know what you want to hear. I'm dating YES but I'm not going around fucking everyone, which is probably what you're hearing from the whores that work at our restaurant. I'm DIFFERENT.
So by the end of the night I crawled in bed with him and the next morning he decides to ignore what we talked about last night, so it was kind of awkward. I just wanted to scream!! I was really building a hard crush on him! I feel like it's just gone to shit but we're see. We see eachother at work tomorrow so I guess we'll see how that goes. I feel like he's just going to take the peace card and ignore the whole thing and peace out. haha. whatever man, another reason why I just shouldn't open up my mind and feelings with someone I really like. it's so hard though. And thats all I want is to sit at home and spend all my time with one person that can make me happy and feel the same way as I do. AGH big dreamer over here right?
I just want to get away from here. Get a new job, new home, new life and know that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm making all the wrong steps and ultimately leaves me farther and farther from where I begun.
I'm going to sleep away this complexity of feelings that boggles my mind every day. RAR. life sucks sometimes man.
MOOD: tired :-( but relieved I'm finally sitting here at home by myself.
SONG: "Fall Away" by the Fray. good fuckin song man
Quote: "If you lose control you lose everything."
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
"You're not moving fast enough!"
Why does it feel like life keeps telling me that? Do you ever feel like no matter how fast you run, you still haven't moved an inch? That's how I feel. I have a terrible conscience I think. I just want to conquer the world and all the problems that surround it!! I hate feeling like my head is going to blow up from worrying about the next step I need to take.
I started to work out today to relieve myself from those problems. I plan on keeping a nice pattern of working out. I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything! Keep myself focused on working out, then I can stay focused on my problems without running, solve them, then never have to worry about it again! yeahha.
My realization of the day is who gravitates towards me. Lately, it definitely hasn't been some of the girls that I work with. I would never think of saying it to their face but to be quite honest, some of the girls I work with are whores. They sleep around alllll the time, and the guys are mostly the customers that come into our restaurant. Their behavior is just so highschool that it honestly disgusts me. YET, everyone loves the gossip they bring to the table about the guy they screwed with the night before. EW. I'm going to admit, I'm an open person but I do also have a life outside of the Rock Bottom and not everyone that I work with has to be involved in my life. Lately, I have realized to keep my mouth shut on my opinions and whats going on in my personal life. They can't use it against otherwise. Funny how I enjoy about 90% of the guys that work there as opposed about 40% of the girls that work there. The guys just stay out of the drama or just laugh when its brought up, but they are much more fun to talk to and be around. I feel like I have to fake myself to act the way they do!!
I have to mention that there is this guy I met at Rock Bottom, who comes in all the time since I've worked there. He's cute, aliiiittle too gangster or whatever you must call it to me, but is completely genuine. He has alot of manners and has a great personality!! I think I have a crush on him. I have kissed him and cuddled with him but thats it. He told me he likes me alot too... and I'm thinking he's hoping for me to be his girlfriend. I don't know though. I'm kind of steering away from him but he keeps following so we'll see where this goes. ahh the anticipation.
Not only him has been interested in me lately but I've been getting hit on from all directions of men! No joke. It's nice to be single, young and attractive thats for sure!! haha.
I'm off to relieve this headache I have recently acquired, probably from typing too much. Update more later.
Miki
Mood: Better, refreshed, relieved the day is over :)
Wanting: This headache to go away and cheesecake upstairs
Song: Papa Roach "Forever"
Quote: From one of the whores at Rock Bottom: "I'll get whatever I can take"
I started to work out today to relieve myself from those problems. I plan on keeping a nice pattern of working out. I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything! Keep myself focused on working out, then I can stay focused on my problems without running, solve them, then never have to worry about it again! yeahha.
My realization of the day is who gravitates towards me. Lately, it definitely hasn't been some of the girls that I work with. I would never think of saying it to their face but to be quite honest, some of the girls I work with are whores. They sleep around alllll the time, and the guys are mostly the customers that come into our restaurant. Their behavior is just so highschool that it honestly disgusts me. YET, everyone loves the gossip they bring to the table about the guy they screwed with the night before. EW. I'm going to admit, I'm an open person but I do also have a life outside of the Rock Bottom and not everyone that I work with has to be involved in my life. Lately, I have realized to keep my mouth shut on my opinions and whats going on in my personal life. They can't use it against otherwise. Funny how I enjoy about 90% of the guys that work there as opposed about 40% of the girls that work there. The guys just stay out of the drama or just laugh when its brought up, but they are much more fun to talk to and be around. I feel like I have to fake myself to act the way they do!!
I have to mention that there is this guy I met at Rock Bottom, who comes in all the time since I've worked there. He's cute, aliiiittle too gangster or whatever you must call it to me, but is completely genuine. He has alot of manners and has a great personality!! I think I have a crush on him. I have kissed him and cuddled with him but thats it. He told me he likes me alot too... and I'm thinking he's hoping for me to be his girlfriend. I don't know though. I'm kind of steering away from him but he keeps following so we'll see where this goes. ahh the anticipation.
Not only him has been interested in me lately but I've been getting hit on from all directions of men! No joke. It's nice to be single, young and attractive thats for sure!! haha.
I'm off to relieve this headache I have recently acquired, probably from typing too much. Update more later.
Miki
Mood: Better, refreshed, relieved the day is over :)
Wanting: This headache to go away and cheesecake upstairs
Song: Papa Roach "Forever"
Quote: From one of the whores at Rock Bottom: "I'll get whatever I can take"
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
ALLERGY SEASON
I woke up this morning and I couldn't open my eyes! I pried the lids open with my fingers. They crusted over the night before. I looked in the mirror and they were puffy and red. ahgggg ... every fucking spring this happens. I don't mind it right now though. There's ALOT of drama in my life right now, and I'm glad I have another complaint on all the things that are wrong in my life to use as an outlet from the drama that has gravitated towards me. Was that a run-on sentence? whatever.
My manager just called and wants me to work allllll day today and not just half with compliments of lunch and dinner. I guess I have something going my way so far today. Tuesdays suck I realized. Wedged in there between monday and wednesday. There's nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on. It's a big BLAH day.
My goal today is to not answer my phone. No texting. No calling. No answering. I want to pretty much exist today with a structured routine. I feel like a dead person walking today. You don't need to watch out for me... I won't even be there when you see me.
GOD: I wish you had the power to rewind my life. I think I've been corrupted and I don't know how to be an innocent young being again. I wish I could just let go of all the things that are supposed to make me stronger, but weak as hell at the same time. I just want to lay in the grass with the sun as a blanket on my skin, then begin with a head start, JUMP and land in crystal clear water. WATER. No human on this earth can live without it. I certainly can't. I find water satisfying. You jump in holding your breath about to experience a complete change of body and soul than what you were just in a moment ago. The water hits your hands and works its way to your toes in the matter of a second. You eyes open at the surface and you let go of your breath. You're renewed... pure. In the water you can do anything you want. Be a mermaid if you wish, or a fish. Doesn't matter... You're away from everything else in your life. Thats all that matters.
FUCK. I want to go swimming. forget my world.
later days.... :/
My manager just called and wants me to work allllll day today and not just half with compliments of lunch and dinner. I guess I have something going my way so far today. Tuesdays suck I realized. Wedged in there between monday and wednesday. There's nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on. It's a big BLAH day.
My goal today is to not answer my phone. No texting. No calling. No answering. I want to pretty much exist today with a structured routine. I feel like a dead person walking today. You don't need to watch out for me... I won't even be there when you see me.
GOD: I wish you had the power to rewind my life. I think I've been corrupted and I don't know how to be an innocent young being again. I wish I could just let go of all the things that are supposed to make me stronger, but weak as hell at the same time. I just want to lay in the grass with the sun as a blanket on my skin, then begin with a head start, JUMP and land in crystal clear water. WATER. No human on this earth can live without it. I certainly can't. I find water satisfying. You jump in holding your breath about to experience a complete change of body and soul than what you were just in a moment ago. The water hits your hands and works its way to your toes in the matter of a second. You eyes open at the surface and you let go of your breath. You're renewed... pure. In the water you can do anything you want. Be a mermaid if you wish, or a fish. Doesn't matter... You're away from everything else in your life. Thats all that matters.
FUCK. I want to go swimming. forget my world.
later days.... :/
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Catching up on the facts of my life
I realized I haven't really made this blog a story of my life, more of my perspective on a topic that was consuming my mind at the time. Besides, I'm bored doing laundry at my dad's house so I figured why not? My brother is gone and that gives me full access to his computer for the time being. On that note, a proper update on the life I live seems necessary for when I look back at this in the later years of my life. Forgive my randomness.
As of right now I live up the hill in an apartment in bellevue, which I can literally walk down the hill to my dad's house its so close. My brothers are staying where my sister and I stayed before we both moved out. I'm training to serve at Rock Bottom, which brings home the $$ so I can exist. Noo, I don't go to school right now and I know I should but a break was much needed for me. I've been on a break for over a year now, however that will change in the fall. It better. I seem to have a bit of drama mixed in my otherwise peaceful life here between my friends and job. Most of the time it can get annoying and unnecissary, but I do find myself to be entertained and amused by it.
I've lived here for 4 years now and for the past year or so I've really contemplated moving elsewhere. I would like to say I'm adventuresome because I do like exploring the unknown and to be honest, the Seattle life is really wearin' me down lately. I was thinking Santa Cruz in CA where my BEST friend from childhood lives. I always see amazing pictures of the beach and it just seems like great, wholesome people consume the town there. My brother wants me to fly down to somewhere in asia where his business partner/good friend lives to pursue modeling and I don't think that would be such a bad idea either. WHOLE different life I would have there, which could be very exciting and maybe needed at this point in my life. Yeah those are the only two extreme moves that I would actually do at the moment. Then again, there's always Minnesota to go back to but I left there for a reason and I really wouldn't be looking forward to the 6 months of -20 to 30 degree weather out there again! I need to make a decision soon though because I only have 2 more months before the lease is up for my apartment.
As far as relationships go, I turn the other way. I hate the word love and I hope I don't get caught up in that word with someone for a long time. I want to be free and single for a while. Well, I have most of my life so it should be no biggie anyway. Guys suck and every time I open up to one I get slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart and I'm left lonely. haha ok no more talk about men, I might get violent! Just kidding but almost serious.
haha I ran across some pictures on my brothers profile though and I'm sure the later me would appreciate this!! haha don't laugh 'later me'.
ohhh baby.. I looked damn sexy in the highschool days!! (especially with the swim caps)
haha ok those pictures made me smile and so did my three best girlfriends that just called me! I think I'm about to go drink my night away now and pass out drunk, happy, and alone :)
cheers to highschool memories...
As of right now I live up the hill in an apartment in bellevue, which I can literally walk down the hill to my dad's house its so close. My brothers are staying where my sister and I stayed before we both moved out. I'm training to serve at Rock Bottom, which brings home the $$ so I can exist. Noo, I don't go to school right now and I know I should but a break was much needed for me. I've been on a break for over a year now, however that will change in the fall. It better. I seem to have a bit of drama mixed in my otherwise peaceful life here between my friends and job. Most of the time it can get annoying and unnecissary, but I do find myself to be entertained and amused by it.
I've lived here for 4 years now and for the past year or so I've really contemplated moving elsewhere. I would like to say I'm adventuresome because I do like exploring the unknown and to be honest, the Seattle life is really wearin' me down lately. I was thinking Santa Cruz in CA where my BEST friend from childhood lives. I always see amazing pictures of the beach and it just seems like great, wholesome people consume the town there. My brother wants me to fly down to somewhere in asia where his business partner/good friend lives to pursue modeling and I don't think that would be such a bad idea either. WHOLE different life I would have there, which could be very exciting and maybe needed at this point in my life. Yeah those are the only two extreme moves that I would actually do at the moment. Then again, there's always Minnesota to go back to but I left there for a reason and I really wouldn't be looking forward to the 6 months of -20 to 30 degree weather out there again! I need to make a decision soon though because I only have 2 more months before the lease is up for my apartment.
As far as relationships go, I turn the other way. I hate the word love and I hope I don't get caught up in that word with someone for a long time. I want to be free and single for a while. Well, I have most of my life so it should be no biggie anyway. Guys suck and every time I open up to one I get slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart and I'm left lonely. haha ok no more talk about men, I might get violent! Just kidding but almost serious.
haha I ran across some pictures on my brothers profile though and I'm sure the later me would appreciate this!! haha don't laugh 'later me'.
ohhh baby.. I looked damn sexy in the highschool days!! (especially with the swim caps)
haha ok those pictures made me smile and so did my three best girlfriends that just called me! I think I'm about to go drink my night away now and pass out drunk, happy, and alone :)
cheers to highschool memories...
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
My actions and their opinions.
Today and Last night I realized there's alot of things I'm not proud of. I'm upset with my present and I'm scared for my future but my past I realized I must learn from. I can't look back at my life in regret. I can't let myself have guilt built in so much that I fall and break. My life is MY LIFE and no one elses. I realized my actions and the way I am is what I have to accept, whether I like it or not. I can't be ashamed of the person I've become or the actions I have made. I just need to move on.
Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.
All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters
Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.
All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I can't do this alone.
I looked at the sunset this evening... I see the sky..
I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.
I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Today I took a step back
Sometimes the world seems like a monster. The world consumes you of your individualism, and everyday lives are merely a puppet show of what youre SUPPOSED to do. People walk to where they are SUPPOSED to go, wear what they are SUPPOSED to wear, act how they are SUPPOSED to act to creat an accepting images of themselves. People get caught up in these so-called lives to make ends meet and live how they WANT to live. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out of this puppet show that I'm living right now. I'm living this supposed life to hopefully get a break in the end. I'm not by ANY means where I want to be in at this time in my life, then again I know I am young and I have time to grow. But still, that doesn't seem solid enough. My future is so uncertain to me that it scares me just thinking about it. I want to find a path, or even a base of something that can take me to the top eventually. I want to find it now so I can learn and grow from it. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel stupid staying at this spot in my life when I know I can do better. I see it happen to people all the time. They finally win the lottery, or they finally meet someone that changed their life for the better, or they finally got a raise and moved up in the company, or they finally got a big pay back from all the shit they have gone through. I want to have something come my way like it has for some of the people around me. I just know I'm better than this.
I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..
I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!
good morning world.
I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..
I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!
good morning world.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
It's a new year!! woop dee dooo
my resolution:
I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."
I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.
ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo
mik
I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."
I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.
ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo
mik
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