Sunday, July 23, 2006

Filled with pain... inside and out.

Last thursday turned into such a long day for mikaela bird. After a long, but succussful day of work, sarah wanted to go out and have fun. Since she was my ride I really didnt have a choice even though I really just wanted to go home. ... beggers can't be choosers right? SO, we end up going to a bar in kirkland... I take in drink after drink... to keep myself up and ready to go. When I got to a state in mind where I was pleasantly drunk but still tired as hell, I go outside to smoke a cigarette alone, and call the man of my dreams. I begged, I bribed, I pleaded for him to take me away. All I ever wanted was to see him and it really became an issue for me that night. He confirmed that he was coming but made some excuse so that I had to wait. I waited. and waited. No call back. During that time, I leave with my good friend Eli and leave all my other girls behind, knowing they had their own destinations of partying that night. Hours and hours go by and we're all still up and hanging out. It really was a good time for me. We got to know eachother better as friends... we had one of those nights where we both went through out childhoods and how hard it was growing up for the both of us. It was nice saying it to someone that could relate and seemed geniunely interested in my past. But still, I was hurt that I didn't hear from bryan and he didnt follow through once again. I wasn't mad though. I can't be with him. He just means too much to me. Finally, I get back home at 4 or 5 in the morning and pass out. I couldn't really pass out until 7 because of everything that went on, knowing that I had work at 10:30 the next day.

Friday, oh man, was a hard working day for me. I can't explain how hard hosting can be sometimes. All the servers seemed to be extra bitchy to me, I think they just needed someone to blame for the fact that it was a very busy and an almost unbearably humid day. I tried making everyone happy but hey sometimes you cant change the fact that theres 5 slow old grumpy 70 year olds coming in, or a family with 5 kids and a screaming baby, or teenage kids that are cheap and snotty as hell... Along with that bringing me down today, I worked 11 hours the day before and had only 2 hours of sleep. no joke. I was BEAT starting from when I woke up. I sleepwalk into work and try sooo hard to sustain my eyes from closing. I was a zombie... but somehow, alot of mountain dew and screaming voices around me kept me going. I was fine, I had a few good times in my day where people were actually being accepting as a human being and everyone seemed to have been getting good tables. then I crashhh...

the next host comes in and I bolt for anything to lay on. I find a cement floor in the break room. Heck, that was good enough for me. I could hardly walk at that point. I got a good hour and a half of sleep and wake up to sarah's phone call.. I answer half asleep and actually cozy on the chalky hard floor to her telling me I had to go back to work. The rest of the night after that was HELL. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. But I kept trying and sucked it up. Every server seemed to have something negative to say every table I sat them. I was sexually harrassed that night, we had to kick the guy out actually. I dropped a glass and it broke onto a little boy, that made me feel horrible. I was cleaning a table and out of nowhere this squirming, nasty bug appears. THEN, on top of that, I get yelled at my manager for not being motivated enough.

I finally got out of the hell hole at around 10:30 and sarah was tired as well THANK GOD, so we get home to our beds calling out our names. I passed out so fast and didn't wake up until the next day of working.

ok, I just don't want to talk about work anymore.... I worked 40 hours this week and I'm DONE... haha well until tomorrow. But still... I can relax and enjoy this time away from the RB.

In between all the chaos this weekend, I thought about my mom alot. I miss her alot sometimes and when life gets tough she always seems to come floating to the top of my head. I was explaining to this older man that came into work that I wanted a tattoo of her on my back. I really want to do this and I've been thinking about it for so long. I just think she is alot of me, more than I knew. If I had a tattoo to represent her on my body, it would be something I would never regret. I cried on friday thinking about it, after coming home from that stressful day. And on top of that, all the bills I have to pay off, and how much my life has changed to make it more difficult to live... it all just seems to boil down on me when I have one of those trying days I guess. I had to let it all out.

SATURDAY, I work my second day of 11 hours, which seemed to go by a bit more smoothely, and after I find a ride home with a server. I spend my saturday night smoking a joint with him and having a few beers, while conversing about the ways of men and women. This really is meant for another blog but to sum it up... we both analyzed the brains of the two genders and how they function. We came to the conclusion that if a guy thinks a girl is attractive, they usually start pushing buttons to see how far they will let them go. If she backs away, they know not to go further or to take it slower... OR if they react positively to the mans sly ways, its alllll game and turns into a wild night. OK, then there's the type where if a guy really likes a girl, they tend to either not bring out their personality or avoid them because they are afraid of being rejected by that on single person. "Hey, you can get blown off by attractive looking girls, but if you actually really like her and care for her then youre terrified of rejection so you avoid all oppurtunities where theres a chance of being rejected" is what he said. I can believe that too. BUT STILL, inside a womans brain is like "what the hell are you doing?? I'm still waiting for you to ask me out... (wandering eyes) oh hes kinda cute." I realized women can get distracted easily if they aren't getting some sort of dominating moves from a man, that is if they are not sure if they like this person... they're looks are in... but does the personality match? Women, believe it or not, go for personality more than many might think.

I could keep typing the conversation we had ... but we were indeed high and we went on for a while about it. Shit though, everyone loves talking about the opposite sex... it's intriguing for our young, naive minds.

Now I'm here, it's sunday. I worked earlier today, which was so low key that I hardly worked. I had a good time goofing off thats for sure. I was supposed to go out on a boat today but it just didn't work out so I came home... and fell asleep. now, I'm about to take a shower as I ponder if I should continue drinking beers until I pass out again or if I should actually go out ... hmmm.

Anyway, until next time ... later thoughts

M

Thursday, July 20, 2006

MY BREAK

I know it's sad... the only break I get in my day I spend writing a blog. What can I say though? it's soothing words for my souuul.

I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...

I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land

"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.

three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me

annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.

somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again

tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home

nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.

until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!

....god, I hope tonight works out...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The adventures of CAMP CHAOS

Oh, what a weekend I have had. A very chaotic weekend might I add. I couldn't have needed another weekend like this more. Except maybe one thats on an exotic beach with candles all around me and bryan by my side. (haha... yeah right) THIS weekend worked out just fine though.

DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.

Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.

DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.

A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.

ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.

from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.

Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.

right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.

until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.

Mikaela Fuckin' Bird

Friday, July 14, 2006

Driving away....

these past few nights, I've had a blast getting trashed at the apartment with everyone and running into a bunch of people I havent seen in a long time. I guess thats summer for ya though.

FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P

I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))

In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.

DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.

M

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Empty stomach, empty mind

GRRRR everything I just wrote was completely erased on accident. I hate that but at least I can express it all over again. AHH and I was just about to get some food because I havent ate anything in a whole 24 hours. shit. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I love food, I love cooking food, and I work at a fuckin restaurant for god's sake.

So, where I left off with my roommate resulted in avoiding our potential arguement for clarity on both behalfs because it just wasnt worth my breath. She came home and since then we just put it in the back of our heads and pretended we never even fought. Thats how we are though, we just keep things unresolved because in the end, we'll end up making up and realizing that it was pathetic to be even fighting in the first place.

Since then, there's been a few events that have gone my way and made my life a bit easier and less stressful. I'm talking to bry alot more, and he seems to be actually coming through (or at least trying to). I feel that he could be coming out of the black hole of this long overdue mystery, but then again I don't want to say that because knowing me I'll end up jinxing myself haha. Theres not a minute that goes by that hes not in my head. And now half the time I'm thinking about him I'm at least talking to him and not sitting and ripping my hair out waiting for him to make a move. So I guess thats good right? One step closer... hah..

Another event is that Sarah got a DUI about a week ago. I know I shouldn't be happy about that by any means. But because she got that... she thinks its stupid to move back to florida so soon. She was going to leave in two weeks, and now shes not thinking about moving until the end of the summer, whenever she can get her DUI handled and out of the way. That means, I won't have to find another roommate which is practically unrealistic timing, pay more for rent or MOVE once again into somewhere cheaper. I hate packing and leaving. At this point I'm glad that I get to sit here and lay back and not always be on-the-go or unhappy about where I'm living. Moving does not have to be on my mind for at least another month.

One other event that I can think about that helps me out is a CAR. I need one damnit... I'm wasting alot of time taking the bus and I would LOVE to just be in control and get from point A to point B without having to transfer buses or taking the wrong bus and ending up in the complete opposite direction. I talked to this older guy and he has a honda civic he's willing to give me for 500 bucks. not too bad right? not that classy either but hey I got somethin goin for me.

As far as my life goes, I dont think I'm much of a happy camper but I'm better than what I was and fortunate for what I have. I just feel like I don't get a good grip out of life sometimes when it gets so complicated. I want to go back to being a kid where life was simple, days were longer, less stress was met, and decisions made were clear and instinctful. I wish I could be takin back to better days and feel like this time in between isn't wasting me away. Until then, I will have to deal with it and make the most out of what I have - or dont have -

I NEED to eat now... I'm starting to bite my nails- thats always a sign :P

later thoughts... later days...