Friday, December 22, 2006

It's realllly late and I'm awake.

ok. I've been up all day... worked 11 hours... and why am I still up?

I can't sleep and I'm fucked if I have to work tomorrow. whatever.

life seems to be going better each day. but still not good. I keep thinking about what my life CAN be like and what I COULD be doing with it to make it better. Tonight is one of those nights.

I could have cleaned my apartment like I said I was going to two weeks ago, but nope still fuckin dirty. I swear though, every time I get set on cleaning, someone calls me to hang out and do something and shit.. I'd rather do that than sit around and CLEAN. but then I come home to this messy apartment and it brings me down. I disappoint myself somehow every single day.

Not onnnnly that, I feel shitty about not paying my aunt back. I feel shitty about being late to work AGAIN. I feel shitty about not going to school which is what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing right now. I feel shitty about all this debt I'm in. If all that could go away. I'd be level-headed. life would be a breeze.

But if everything was going wrong. every single thing in my life gone completely no where, I would have my baby to come home to and everything would be alright. ugh. I can't believe I said that because I never have felt that way about anyone else ever. I just feel so in love, in a different planet with him. Out of everyone in this world, I couldn't have come accross someone thats more suited for me. I want him in my life so badly. I'm giving all my hopes up on him and I fuckin WISH it all doesn't fall through, but even if it does I really will know how to love someone. what to look for. whos right for me. he's not a waste of time if we don't work out, he's a lesson I'll never forget. I really don't think I can find someone else out there like him though. he's one of a kind and I hope sometime soon he's all mine. If not though, I must let him go. I have to... because if I keep going on like this... I won't be happy and I'll make bad decisions and all the shit in my life thats already weighing me down will add on. I don't blame him for everything by any means but I really can't stop thinking about being with him.. it literally consumes me. hah thats how bad its gotten. I feel like I'll just keep partying and wasting away because I try to escape the fact that I haven't met him yet and it's been so damn long. I need some other sort of alternative..

ok haha I'm insane now if I don't go to sleep. I hope to god I dont have to work. pleaaaaaase amy take my shift1!!!!!!

alright, off to bed I go. hopefully I can sleep.

my prayers are with you bryan, my apple pie.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's early and I'm awake.

I haven't done this in a lonnnnnnnng time. I actually got a good nights sleep last night with the assistance of the almighty mary jane.

It was cool. I smoked a bowl and said goodbye with my friend/neighbor/work buddy because he was priviledged enough to pack all his bags and drive to california without lookin back. then I left his apartment and went back to mine thats a building away. I sprinted to my place, grabbed some ragu and went up to my balcony. then as he was driving on his way out of here forever, I poured it on his car!! haha he flipped out. stopped looked around and kept driving. but shit I would too if a bunch of red shit just came flying on my windsheild out of the sky!

so yeah. I passed out at about TEN after that. I was so happy for myself. I wanna do this more often.

One thing thats pissing me off right now is I have this ring on my finger, but I CANT GET IT FUCKING OFF!! I tried, I pulled really hard... usually I've been able to get anything off. but no not this time. its stuck. And the worst part about it is.... the fake diamond stud fell out so now it really looks like a peice of shit and I hate having to look at it while I type damnit!

I went shopping yesterday. I got about everyone in my family christmas presents! too bad its costing over 300 bucks. Im so fucked. ahh I love giving though. I think I might buy some more shit too because we get our paychecks on monday! hahahahaha yeha.

my aunt hates me right now. well just disappointed because about 3-4 monthes ago I was in money trouble and she was willing to help me out and loan me 1000 bucks to pay off all my bills. I was having trouble with my bank at the time and we were just moving into our apartment. man though we did not think things ahead. I told her I would pay her off but I've been having to save up every time I get a paycheck and then pay it all off. so now I'm not getting a christmas present from my aunt like I always do and I always look forward to her presents that come every year too. shes like the cool aunt that works for avon and has all this make-up, scents, clothes, and skin products to give me. its like catching up. shiaat. oh well. I'm sending her money back soon. hopefully. I'm trying. life sucks when you dont gots no mooola.

I'm in such a good mood today. haha and everything in my life should be putting me in a shitty mood too! I superwoman though and I can over-power any negativity today.

except for bryan. bryan makes me sad thinking about it. weak too. especially right now. he's about to have an operation tomorrow and its not 100 percent that he will recover fully. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and using whatever spiritual powers that I possibly have so that nothing happens. He's comes out of it a healthier, better. I want him to be healthy. "when youre in pain, I'm in pain." I miss him every second I dont have spent with him. its sad. but hes really showing me what love is. I'm scared and I don't even want to say it with this fucker yet because we havent even MET yet. but I really do LOVE him. it feels good saying that about him. I hope he doesn't let me down AGAIN. afffffter christmas... the end of waiting for the good or the worse will uncover. I'm scared its not going to but I gotta let this whole waiting shit burn out. its wearing me down.

ALRIGHT... I'm STILL in a chipper happy mood still! yeah yeah except I'm still looking at this nasty trashy ring still on my friggin finger. I'm just going to go and have it disappear in the lather I'm about to put on my hair... itsssss showa time!! oh yeah.

later doooooods.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

OH it VENTING time... watch out.

AHHH

today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.

My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.

I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.

I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.

I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

THANKSGIVING!!!#!@#

It's thanksgiving today. And after I read my last blog, I felt like I was just pitying myself. Yeah, I have a shitload of things that aren't going my way right now. And that's expected in life. But I still am thankful for what I got.

what do I got......
I have a family to turn to. Yeah, we fight and we're far from the idealized family but I still have one to turn to.
I have shelter
I have a job that I love
I have a shitload of FRIENDS... I have no clue what I'd do without them. Yeah, I'd probably party less and drink less and focus more... but hey it all keeps me sane in the end.
I have a personality that attracts others. Not to sound conceited, but I love how people love to be around me... I know exactly what to say to everyone I know to make them smile and thats what I fuckin live for man.
Free food that Brian gives me at work every day. I dont have to even pay for food anymore.
I have someone to love. I just am afraid that I'm going to lose it.

REGARDLESS... I need to shower and get ready for the family. hopefully all this goes by smoothly.... stay tuned. hah

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I've gone crazy.

ok...

so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.

ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.

I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.

I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH

Thursday, November 09, 2006

sick and TIRED

AHADSHFAEWTAHDSFANDSGAFSGHSDG

I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.

The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.

ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.

THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."

the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

There I goo...

Today has been a day where I've been pulled in all directions. I try to make everyone happy but theres just not enough time in a day to do that. Maybe I just have poor communication or maybe I tend to over-book my days, but with everyone backing out of their orginal plans these days who wouldnt? They all just seemed to be pretty accountable today damnit. I feel like shit now and I needed to express that thought. Now I must do something for myself by going to this meeting to supposedly make my life a breeze in the long run. Until then, I'm eating shit.

Everything else in my life thats been weighing me down is still in the process of changing but I'm still not quite there. I'm talking mainly about bills...

anyways, "I'm on a hurry to get things and I'm rushin, rushin till life's no funn. All I really gotta do is live and die and I'm in a hurry and don't know whyy" hahah

laterrr

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

SURRENDERED

The way you make me feel is hard to explain...
It feels so real. Its the realist fantasy I've lived.
But what if it isnt real?
What if I've become this character in this fantasy game your playing?
My love for you at this point has no control.
You have me hung like a puppet... reacting to every string you pull.
How did I let myself go this far?
No one has made this deep of a connection with me.
I gladly kept it that way my entire life.
Backed away from any emotional trap that could potentially hurt me.
They'd usually back off from my defenses and were never heard of again.
Then their comes you...
My defenses were strong. I saw the way you were.
You're envied and liked by many and I didn't want you to have my satisfaction.
I let myself ignore what I really felt for you.
I backed you off time and time again, but you held up strong and was always there.
Then I start to become weaker as I'm become more intrigued.
My caution lights towards you were flashing but I kept going anyway.
I tried to stay strong but your words seeped through my soul, my body and took me over.
Then I question.. Where is this going? When will you come around?
I feel insufficiant, unworthy of your time, and taken for granted.
Even when you swear against it.
You ask if I chose you. OF COURSE I have and why?
You've brought out another side in me, a side no one has seen before.
I've told you things, things that no one knows.
I've grown this aching desire, this feeling for you that no one has endured from me.
Why have I chosen you? thats why.
You're it, as much as I want to fight it.
There's not a day that goes by anymore that I don't think about you, miss you.
I feel like I've fallen in that emotional trap I was afraid of all along.
But I fell for you. I fell deep this time. And I'm afraid I can't find my way out.
Tell me what I've done to deserve this time without you.
This feeling keeps growing and it will never end.
And it hurts more every day.
Then I rethink... wait..
I read what I've wrote and I laugh.
I'm stronger than this I just know it.
I'll walk around like you've never crossed my mind.
But the more I try to ignore you, the more I can't stop thinking about you.
You've managed to shatter my defenses and hold me down.
I'm powerless now.
I'm weak and unarmed.
So either take my surrender and redeem the pain
Or kill me out of your life

because I hate living in suspense like this. I cant do it anymore.... I'm sorry.
I love you... too much baby... too much.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

I HAVE NO LIFE

SO I figured that LATELY my job likes to schedule me to work weekend night shifts so when I'm off work around 11... I want to go do something but I never have enough energy as everyone else because all I want to do is sit down because I've been on my feet all day... I dont think I've actually gotten drunk for at least 3 weeks now. I haven't really gone OUT like I used to either. And I'm not even that bummed about it. I don't care or worry about where the next crazy PARTY is at. I don't really feel all that bummed when people I know tell me how much of a blast they had on a boat, or how crazy a house party was or whatever it is thats worth bragging about in their book. I've heard it all... been there... done my partying to a point where it was every day. I think thats what people still see in me, but it's really not who I am anymore. I work my ass off all the time and I've started this online bizz... that my mind is somewhere other than finding the next party... My mind is now set on my future, FOR ONCE and not wasted on the present highlife.

I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"

I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....

anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Looking AHEAD

For a good portion of my life, I had it together. I had a job, I was always in a sport or being active, a good set of close friends, good grades and relationships with teachers, a loving family, even a freakin family dog. My mind was full of ambition and drive that would find me into new clubs and being highly competitive with grades and sports. I may have even been somewhat of a dork/nerd/loser whatever you want to call it but I was happy. I didn't care! I had everything I needed that would get me by easily in the world. Nothing could stop me and I was never weighed down.

Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.

for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.

I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.

All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.

I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.

Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.

And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...

later thoughts

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Filled with pain... inside and out.

Last thursday turned into such a long day for mikaela bird. After a long, but succussful day of work, sarah wanted to go out and have fun. Since she was my ride I really didnt have a choice even though I really just wanted to go home. ... beggers can't be choosers right? SO, we end up going to a bar in kirkland... I take in drink after drink... to keep myself up and ready to go. When I got to a state in mind where I was pleasantly drunk but still tired as hell, I go outside to smoke a cigarette alone, and call the man of my dreams. I begged, I bribed, I pleaded for him to take me away. All I ever wanted was to see him and it really became an issue for me that night. He confirmed that he was coming but made some excuse so that I had to wait. I waited. and waited. No call back. During that time, I leave with my good friend Eli and leave all my other girls behind, knowing they had their own destinations of partying that night. Hours and hours go by and we're all still up and hanging out. It really was a good time for me. We got to know eachother better as friends... we had one of those nights where we both went through out childhoods and how hard it was growing up for the both of us. It was nice saying it to someone that could relate and seemed geniunely interested in my past. But still, I was hurt that I didn't hear from bryan and he didnt follow through once again. I wasn't mad though. I can't be with him. He just means too much to me. Finally, I get back home at 4 or 5 in the morning and pass out. I couldn't really pass out until 7 because of everything that went on, knowing that I had work at 10:30 the next day.

Friday, oh man, was a hard working day for me. I can't explain how hard hosting can be sometimes. All the servers seemed to be extra bitchy to me, I think they just needed someone to blame for the fact that it was a very busy and an almost unbearably humid day. I tried making everyone happy but hey sometimes you cant change the fact that theres 5 slow old grumpy 70 year olds coming in, or a family with 5 kids and a screaming baby, or teenage kids that are cheap and snotty as hell... Along with that bringing me down today, I worked 11 hours the day before and had only 2 hours of sleep. no joke. I was BEAT starting from when I woke up. I sleepwalk into work and try sooo hard to sustain my eyes from closing. I was a zombie... but somehow, alot of mountain dew and screaming voices around me kept me going. I was fine, I had a few good times in my day where people were actually being accepting as a human being and everyone seemed to have been getting good tables. then I crashhh...

the next host comes in and I bolt for anything to lay on. I find a cement floor in the break room. Heck, that was good enough for me. I could hardly walk at that point. I got a good hour and a half of sleep and wake up to sarah's phone call.. I answer half asleep and actually cozy on the chalky hard floor to her telling me I had to go back to work. The rest of the night after that was HELL. I was tired. I just wanted to go home. But I kept trying and sucked it up. Every server seemed to have something negative to say every table I sat them. I was sexually harrassed that night, we had to kick the guy out actually. I dropped a glass and it broke onto a little boy, that made me feel horrible. I was cleaning a table and out of nowhere this squirming, nasty bug appears. THEN, on top of that, I get yelled at my manager for not being motivated enough.

I finally got out of the hell hole at around 10:30 and sarah was tired as well THANK GOD, so we get home to our beds calling out our names. I passed out so fast and didn't wake up until the next day of working.

ok, I just don't want to talk about work anymore.... I worked 40 hours this week and I'm DONE... haha well until tomorrow. But still... I can relax and enjoy this time away from the RB.

In between all the chaos this weekend, I thought about my mom alot. I miss her alot sometimes and when life gets tough she always seems to come floating to the top of my head. I was explaining to this older man that came into work that I wanted a tattoo of her on my back. I really want to do this and I've been thinking about it for so long. I just think she is alot of me, more than I knew. If I had a tattoo to represent her on my body, it would be something I would never regret. I cried on friday thinking about it, after coming home from that stressful day. And on top of that, all the bills I have to pay off, and how much my life has changed to make it more difficult to live... it all just seems to boil down on me when I have one of those trying days I guess. I had to let it all out.

SATURDAY, I work my second day of 11 hours, which seemed to go by a bit more smoothely, and after I find a ride home with a server. I spend my saturday night smoking a joint with him and having a few beers, while conversing about the ways of men and women. This really is meant for another blog but to sum it up... we both analyzed the brains of the two genders and how they function. We came to the conclusion that if a guy thinks a girl is attractive, they usually start pushing buttons to see how far they will let them go. If she backs away, they know not to go further or to take it slower... OR if they react positively to the mans sly ways, its alllll game and turns into a wild night. OK, then there's the type where if a guy really likes a girl, they tend to either not bring out their personality or avoid them because they are afraid of being rejected by that on single person. "Hey, you can get blown off by attractive looking girls, but if you actually really like her and care for her then youre terrified of rejection so you avoid all oppurtunities where theres a chance of being rejected" is what he said. I can believe that too. BUT STILL, inside a womans brain is like "what the hell are you doing?? I'm still waiting for you to ask me out... (wandering eyes) oh hes kinda cute." I realized women can get distracted easily if they aren't getting some sort of dominating moves from a man, that is if they are not sure if they like this person... they're looks are in... but does the personality match? Women, believe it or not, go for personality more than many might think.

I could keep typing the conversation we had ... but we were indeed high and we went on for a while about it. Shit though, everyone loves talking about the opposite sex... it's intriguing for our young, naive minds.

Now I'm here, it's sunday. I worked earlier today, which was so low key that I hardly worked. I had a good time goofing off thats for sure. I was supposed to go out on a boat today but it just didn't work out so I came home... and fell asleep. now, I'm about to take a shower as I ponder if I should continue drinking beers until I pass out again or if I should actually go out ... hmmm.

Anyway, until next time ... later thoughts

M

Thursday, July 20, 2006

MY BREAK

I know it's sad... the only break I get in my day I spend writing a blog. What can I say though? it's soothing words for my souuul.

I think I have a problems... well I know I have alot of problems. But I noticed that I take songs almost too literally. I will fall in love with a song if it has something to do with anything important in my life. The new angels and airwaves song..... mmm heres some good words...

I'm frightened at night, and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall, and from under the door
Like the shit that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know I got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of the part, of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land

"The Ponytail Parade" by Emery is some pretty good shit too. I just bought their cd a few days ago. Definitely my band of the week.

three sleepless nights
this isn't how its supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time to get back to me
i will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
i thought that i could change you, but you've changed me
it doesn't feel right holding someone elses hand
together on phone lines, living at two opposite ends
it scares me to think that you could find takers other than me
and better than me

annnd "as your voice fades" by emery... fucking touching man.

somebody please tell me
what am I suppose to do?
you've died and I'm here
thinking that I hear your voice,
but it's somebody else
it's always somebody else
why did you die?
don't leave me please
I beg you God tonight bring me peace
I'll never sleep without
the dreams of you alive here with me, alive here with me
the brightness left your eyes
as I held your face
don't tell me it's the right time
and your last words will sustain me
until my end...until I see you again

tears of change onto my hands my face
I am left wanting
why is this happening
why have you been taken away
I'm tired
I just wanna go home

nowww I have to go back to work.... Music influences my life is the point of this blog. I couldn't live without it. hah ... It's pretty much therapuetic for me.

until I have time in my life to write my thoughts...
later!

....god, I hope tonight works out...

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The adventures of CAMP CHAOS

Oh, what a weekend I have had. A very chaotic weekend might I add. I couldn't have needed another weekend like this more. Except maybe one thats on an exotic beach with candles all around me and bryan by my side. (haha... yeah right) THIS weekend worked out just fine though.

DAY ONE:
We arrive at camp chaos. I notice that its just a beautiful site.. one large cabin in between two smaller ones with a great view of the mountains. we all unpack our things as we watch the sun set and wait for our first keg to arrive along with the party-goers. While we wait anxiously, we check out the area that we would be stumbling over later. This cabin is hooked up! beds for everyone everywhere, decently loud stereo system, two BBQ's, hot tub, rifles haha, AND cell phone service... yes amazing it is.

Finally, most of the party arrives. I remember cracking open my first beer at sunset. Then, we moved it to beer bongs and shots. Drinking games, music, dancing on top of tables, and drunken conversations with the fellow campers consumed the majority of my night after that. It was Ashley and Garrets birthday that night so I forced them to take PACKED beer bongs at midnight. I remember myself taking at least 4 that I remember, and I had about 6-7 shots. The rest of what I drank is history. I was surprised that alot of my friends showed up that I invited! It made the night all the more fun. I just had one of those nights where it didn't matter how I acted or how fucked up I was. Everyone was having a good time at Camp Chaos on friday night. Well, except for a few that don't know much about camping. I found myself crawling up and down hills, bruising myself and giving alot of people shit that night. But hey, I also found myself safe and sound in SWEAT PANTS on a couch by the end of my night.

DAY TWO:
I wake up at 9 in the morning to people that are crowded around me and are up and alert listenig to music. How I slept through all of that beats me. I was told the way I woke up was the way they picture anyone getting up after a night of chaos. my eyes slighty open and I squint them and yawn as I sit up to eveyrone laughing at me. It was classic. I got embarrassed and laid back down as they laugh harder so I run into another bed to make a few phone calls and wake up PRIVATELY. FYI, mikaela bird = NOT a morning person whatsoever. A half hour later... I stumble into the kitchen and proceed with my morning routine while everyone is chitchatting like the partied the night through. I start making some eggs for myself, then EVERYONE wanted eggs so of course I made to make a feast right? But I didn't mind, cooking is fun. I finally wake up after a good meal in my stomach.

A while later, I start to feel my hangover, along with cramps and allergies so I lay down again. I pass up the rage to the beach to a calm, peaceful time to myself. I end up sleeping more, then showering and getting ready for the next day of chaos. By that time, everyone comes back and I'm ready to go! To be completely prepared for the night to come, I decide to go on a beer/meat run with a few people and, what do you know, I had to run into some bellevue high kids there. It was so random and weird. haha I felt like the shit though explaining to them why I'm out here, talking up the nice cabin and tons of booze and people that were stayin there. They looked like shit as they explain that they're camping out in the boonies and no one is 21 to by them beer. These people ... are they actually asking ME to hook them up with beer, when in highschool they never gave me the time of day?? I laughed at them in pity and then I ask my friend jesse and he agreed to buy these fools beer. I felt like a God for a little bit though. It was nice.

ANYWAY, we finally make it back and immediately start barbequing. Alot of people start drinking and taking mushrooms around 4-ish but I decided that I would wait until about 5 or 6 before I got my party hat on. I take the first sip of my beer to a drinking game I started. Everyone joins in and we start making a ruckus. I teach everyone the game EGYPTIAN RAT SCREW and they loved it. If I ever meet someone that already knows how to play, I'll jump up and down in joy and give them a huge hug, then demand we play together. ok haha, thennn after downing some beers, I see someone walk in with captain morgan and I follow right behind them! it goes shot after shot after shot from there. Then they bring in the tequila. "I can handle a shot a shot of ta kill ya" I say to myself. I'm running, I'm good, I'm WARM, aka flushed. Garret, BIRTHDAY BOY, comes in the shot-taking circle and demands that I take this shot with him for his birthday. yeah, and it happens to be a shot of VODKA. I think death right there, but hey I had to do it - I made him take a four-beer bong the night before. So I swallow my gut and inhale the poisen. As it goes down my stomach it disturbs the comfort of my tequila and rum shots and decides to come back up and out of my mouth in a matter of seconds. I knew I was done. It was only 9 pm. How pathetic am I? oh well, I continue to drink SLOWLY the rest of the night.

from that point on..... hard to remember but from what I do recall, I got on a swimsuit and sat on the back of a motorcycle to the neighbors house where there would rest a large, steamy hot tub. my unsettled stomach rises alittle more after I slip myself mmore and more into the hot tub. I run to the bathroom.... After my second round of puking, I feel like a million bucks. I'm in my own world and everyone loving it. I hop in and out of the hot tub, finding it funny holding my breath and people coming running in to "save me" I remember holding my breath once for a minute and 20 seconds! I was proud damnit. Throughout the wetness portion of my night, I was talking on my phone to bryan quite a bit, wasted. man, it sucks thinking about how much I talk to him every night the next day when I'm sober and alone. So my night is pretty much over at that point on. I motorcycle back cold and drunk and dripping wet. I spend the rest of the night talking to the man while everyone else falls fast asleep. By the time I went to sleep... I was out next to my bud, my coworker, my roommate, the lovely sarah.

Next morning, we were all spent... most of the bunch left early and a few of us stayed back to help clean. later, we go down to the lake for a little bit, watched all the jetskiiers show off their shit to make us jealous then we finally left! I barely made it to work today as we booked it the whole way home in jesse's convertible beemer... damn it felt nice to ride.

right now, I'm tired and beat and alone... and definitely fading fast. this blog is too long for me to handle and for most to be patient with, but my weekend can't just be explained in a few words. haha it was goooood.

until my next adventurous step out into the unknown and unexpected events in my life, cheerio mate.

Mikaela Fuckin' Bird

Friday, July 14, 2006

Driving away....

these past few nights, I've had a blast getting trashed at the apartment with everyone and running into a bunch of people I havent seen in a long time. I guess thats summer for ya though.

FUUUCKER shit... right now I think I'm in a good mood but all my other emotions seem to find their way that gets under my skin. I just had a fun and happy conversation with one of my friends on the phone just now.... and now I feel like I want to SCREAM! I'm touchy... back off. haha jk I'm too light-hearted to really act out all my emotions that are runnning through me right now. I'm not that bipolar I swear. I just looked at what I just wrote though and I can see how some people could get confused by reading that. hahaha BUT as far as what I'm feeling right now: I'm happy because its bright and nice outside, shitty because I still feel a bit hungover, excited because I'm going camping, frustrated (dont really need to explain that)... all these fucking feelings give me a face kinda like this >;-P

I wish I could have everything go my way. Why does it seem like everyone else my age has a stable family supporting their back unconditionally? Why do I see the happiest couples walk right by me every day, especially my own friends that can stop talking about what their boyfriend did for them that day? WHYY do I waste so much time on this damn computer when the sky is clear and the lake is down the street? hah. Why am I always wishing and wanting when I don't do much about it? I'm done today... I want to get away and stop questioning my life every day I wake up and wonder how I'm going to be productive or get just one step closer to my destiny. I control my life... I'm making what I choose. I feel like I could just be getting what I deserve... I'm ripping what I sew. AND WHY? who fucking knows why. I'm a fuck up in the summer heat. ((at this time I've lost most happy emotions ... >:-(~ ... ))

In a few hours I'm fleeting from my pathetic life to cause CHAOS at camp CHAOS... no joke thats the name of it. how ironic right? I'm going to lose my sanity, my liver, morals, lungs this weekend. Fuck the hospital though, I'll tough it out. haha ok I might not go that far. but its summer and I'm tense and firm on making this a fucking good time because if its not, then I could possibly be a crawling, drunk, depressed soul with no direction.

DAMNIT my hunger is getting in the way of what I'm trying to express. But I should probably start cleaning and packing anyway. Watch out Camp Chaos ... here comes mikaela's madness into a beautiful disaster. later bitches.

M

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Empty stomach, empty mind

GRRRR everything I just wrote was completely erased on accident. I hate that but at least I can express it all over again. AHH and I was just about to get some food because I havent ate anything in a whole 24 hours. shit. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I love food, I love cooking food, and I work at a fuckin restaurant for god's sake.

So, where I left off with my roommate resulted in avoiding our potential arguement for clarity on both behalfs because it just wasnt worth my breath. She came home and since then we just put it in the back of our heads and pretended we never even fought. Thats how we are though, we just keep things unresolved because in the end, we'll end up making up and realizing that it was pathetic to be even fighting in the first place.

Since then, there's been a few events that have gone my way and made my life a bit easier and less stressful. I'm talking to bry alot more, and he seems to be actually coming through (or at least trying to). I feel that he could be coming out of the black hole of this long overdue mystery, but then again I don't want to say that because knowing me I'll end up jinxing myself haha. Theres not a minute that goes by that hes not in my head. And now half the time I'm thinking about him I'm at least talking to him and not sitting and ripping my hair out waiting for him to make a move. So I guess thats good right? One step closer... hah..

Another event is that Sarah got a DUI about a week ago. I know I shouldn't be happy about that by any means. But because she got that... she thinks its stupid to move back to florida so soon. She was going to leave in two weeks, and now shes not thinking about moving until the end of the summer, whenever she can get her DUI handled and out of the way. That means, I won't have to find another roommate which is practically unrealistic timing, pay more for rent or MOVE once again into somewhere cheaper. I hate packing and leaving. At this point I'm glad that I get to sit here and lay back and not always be on-the-go or unhappy about where I'm living. Moving does not have to be on my mind for at least another month.

One other event that I can think about that helps me out is a CAR. I need one damnit... I'm wasting alot of time taking the bus and I would LOVE to just be in control and get from point A to point B without having to transfer buses or taking the wrong bus and ending up in the complete opposite direction. I talked to this older guy and he has a honda civic he's willing to give me for 500 bucks. not too bad right? not that classy either but hey I got somethin goin for me.

As far as my life goes, I dont think I'm much of a happy camper but I'm better than what I was and fortunate for what I have. I just feel like I don't get a good grip out of life sometimes when it gets so complicated. I want to go back to being a kid where life was simple, days were longer, less stress was met, and decisions made were clear and instinctful. I wish I could be takin back to better days and feel like this time in between isn't wasting me away. Until then, I will have to deal with it and make the most out of what I have - or dont have -

I NEED to eat now... I'm starting to bite my nails- thats always a sign :P

later thoughts... later days...

Thursday, June 29, 2006

stupid fights in the summer heat...

Today is one of my days off this week. I just so happen to get a few less shifts for working as the weather gets hotter and more like summer. So, I've been out on a boat pretty much every day and then partying after. Today rolls around and I'm now beat and sore and tired. It feels good knowing I have nothing to do. After all the swimming and boating I've endured the last few days I can hardly move anyway.

In between all the fun, there always has to be alittle drama in my life. I got into a fight with my roommate, Sarah. She's really been irritating me lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Just the way she acts and her reactions to what I say tend to piss me off. Sometimes, she can really put people down, even people she doesnt even know. And other times she gets mad at me because she thinks I use her when I ask for a ride somewhere. However, I put money in her tank so that she can... And then sometimes she just is completely out of the party mood when we're all out so I feel like I have to cater to her and speak up for her so that she doesnt feel "left out." Thats really fuckin irritating sometimes man, especially when I just want mingle and have a good time. AND on top of that, she always wants to leave at the worst times... like when she sees me talking to someone or laughing and hanging out ... shes like "miki, I'm really tired can we just go?" and then if I dont want to go then and there she gets pissed at me. Lately, shes really been on the edge with me, and I don't know if shes in a good or bad mood sometimes. I have invited her with me on the boats this week and everywhere we go, because she doesnt know alot of people since she's lived here less than a year.

Yesterday, she wouldnt come get me as she was with MY sister and our good friend, and I was alllready in a shitty mood because of my allergiess and soreness so I told her "well, if you can't come and get me then I think I will just take the bus home ... but go have fun" and she probably thought I was saying that to make her feel guilty looking back, but thats all I really wanted to do. ANDREA decides to show up at my work and she ends up taking me to kirkland. We are all on the boat and me and sarah arent really talking to eachother. A while later, I ask my sister and her friend whats up with her, and they told me that she thinks I'm mad at her and I really shouldnt be because she drives me everywhere and blah blah. And I reacted saying she OFFERS rides and on top of that I pay for them. most of the time its not even out of her way. and then I told ally that I think shes being really edgy and needs to chill out because we're all having a good time... I just didnt know what to do.. and all of what I say gets redirected back to her. She then comes up to me and starts yelling at me and patting my shoulder and talking me down.... I jsut turned my head and was like "whoo hoo! dont really need to hear this right now!" If I reacted any other way I swear I just wanted to fuckin sock her. Anyway, AHHH thank god I got that out. now shes at work and I have nothing to worry about.

I think I am just going to clean the place up, which will get her in a better mood because I really dont want to deal with it today...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

One of those days....

It's been a hard few weeks but I'm making it by and lifting myself up. Its just when certain things - even the smallest - dont go my way I break. I wish I could be strong right now. Thats how I've always been. However, the changing process of who I am and what I'm doing with my life seems to go by as if I'm walking on glass. I'm worn out, beat, and confused. Last night I tried to go out but it was one of those nights where nothing seemed to go my way and everyone was in pissy moods. One of my friends said something, which wasn't even that bad, but it still hurt my feelings and I had it... I anti-socialized (if thats even a word) myself into a dark room and called people that could make me feel better. Lately, joel has been pulling through as superman once again. He picked me up the next morning and drove me to where I needed to go. He's always so good to me and I feel shitty for being the person I was to him last summer. He always comes through and thats what I will always appreciate about him. I can't like him the way I used to though, because I'm distracted by you-know-who. I can't like anyone for that matter.

today is a better day . have to work later . and I have nooo clue what I'm doing after . it will probably be the reason for another journal entry though...

later thoughts

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Letting go...

It seems like I only tend to write negativity in here but all the posivity in my life right now is either fake or an altered state of mind. I think I could be depressed if I didnt have people to turn to. I am living in a very intense time of my life and I'm LOST. Not having a mother is hard enough, but now I've lost a father too - at least for a very long time. I feel no love from him anymore these last few days I am here living with him. As I'm sobbing here writting this, I hear my dad storming off in a tantrum and throwing anything of mine down the stairs. He claimed he has provided for me for 20 years. providing what... yeah alllll the material things. I have only lived with him 3 years of my entire life and all the rest of the years we would see him twice a year for a week and it would be the best fake time of my life. Since I've lived with him, he lost his ex wife (my mom), his fourth wife which was long overdue, and he lost his job and didnt get another one for 2 years after. He could be having a major crisis in his life and I know I'm only adding on to it. I tried to do what he told me but it never seemed to be enough. I came to a point of never being around. I didnt want to face him or deal with his bitching so I avoided it all together. I realized that I could have tried harder to make him more proud of me but there came a time when I started losing respect for him. The more I'm hurt from his words and his anger for me the more respect I lost for him. I started inviting people over when he was out of town because I didnt care, even though he specifically told me not to. I would always clean up the mess and make it like it was before but he found out one way or another that I had people over... and knowing that I defied him made him feel powerless. He claimed that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because I had a few people over ON my birthday while he was out of town. But I think he just forgot and since hes limited on his money he wouldnt want to blow some of what he still has on me.

I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.

alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.

Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......

Sunday, June 11, 2006

my life updated... beware

since I've written in this meaningless blog that no one reads... I ponder about why my life has gone upside down. I'm not in school right now. NEVER thought I would take a break so soon but I couldnt imagine how much of a struggle it would be if I went right now. I'm barely even at home anymore... well not home but the house in bellevue. I say that because I'm moving out soon... or, getting kicked out. My fathers relationship with me, I'd say, is probably at the all-time low right now. I've never felt so unloved and unwanted as a daughter. Maybe once I move out and get completely on my own we can at least be acquaintances but as for now he's an eye-glaring stranger that I'm afraid of ... and live with.

Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...

One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha

ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.

later thoughts...

-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)