OH it VENTING time... watch out.

AHHH

today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.

My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.

I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.

I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.

I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.

THANKSGIVING!!!#!@#

It's thanksgiving today. And after I read my last blog, I felt like I was just pitying myself. Yeah, I have a shitload of things that aren't going my way right now. And that's expected in life. But I still am thankful for what I got.

what do I got......
I have a family to turn to. Yeah, we fight and we're far from the idealized family but I still have one to turn to.
I have shelter
I have a job that I love
I have a shitload of FRIENDS... I have no clue what I'd do without them. Yeah, I'd probably party less and drink less and focus more... but hey it all keeps me sane in the end.
I have a personality that attracts others. Not to sound conceited, but I love how people love to be around me... I know exactly what to say to everyone I know to make them smile and thats what I fuckin live for man.
Free food that Brian gives me at work every day. I dont have to even pay for food anymore.
I have someone to love. I just am afraid that I'm going to lose it.

REGARDLESS... I need to shower and get ready for the family. hopefully all this goes by smoothly.... stay tuned. hah

I've gone crazy.

ok...

so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.

ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.

I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.

I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH

sick and TIRED

AHADSHFAEWTAHDSFANDSGAFSGHSDG

I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.

The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.

ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.

THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."

the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.