What Happened?

I remember when I was a munchkin, everything seemed much more pure; came right from the heart with no pit stops for fickleness or dry talks. You know, when you get so excited for the littlest things like five bucks, when your dad finally comes home from work, when you get ready to go to the park, etc. I still feel that way sometimes. Where my heart comes from is a heavy, passionate, deep feeling that touches your soul. Not to sound egotistical, but that is just how I was raised and how I choose to be. Why give anything half ass? When I love, I love hard... when I fight, I fight hard, when I want something I'll do what it takes to get it.

During this trip my sister and I took to Minnesota, I saw a life that lacked that. It was disturbing at first, then I wanted to feel it out and help, listen and be there. Then I realized, I can't fix anything. I can't tell people to be a certain way (man, would the world be such a better place though HAH). All I can do is be me, the best way I know how to be - full of life, youth, energy, and love. And hopefully that is enough to infiltrate to those who don't do as such. It's a shame to see good hearts, smart minds go into a fixed, robotic lifestyle. A life where your thoughts are locked away in your mind and your feelings stashed somewhere in your heart. Maybe someday you'll get around to it, but now you have to stay above water. Pay those bills, make people happy, stay out of everyone's' way and cause no hassle for anyone. It's just depressing to watch.

On the flight home, I was sitting next to this little girl, who was flying by herself. So I took it upon myself to watch over her. She started opening up to me as I started making a hemp necklace. She got so interested in what I was doing, I could help but teach how to do it. By the end of the plane ride, I had her make a hemp necklace for her mom she hadn't seen in three years. As I was about to leave, I saw her and she saw me and she ran up to me and gave me a hug! I had only spent a few hours with this cute little girl, and she was attached with pure feelings. I felt so much better instantly, just by that one plane ride home. I need to start hangin around kids more often, I think. Better yet! wait... no ... not yet Mikaela.

After aching for so long to go back to MN to see my old roots and catch up on times lost with my HS friends, it feels so refreshing to be back now that I'm finally at ease here in Washington. I feel like I've been on the go since August, which is true, besides a week here and a week there of coming back home just to repack and bail out again. I need a break. I need to focus. Figure out what my next step is now that I've seen all my options. Well, not all but the options that are most convenient for me. My life stands still, right now, just before the dawn of 2010. I'm left in a pondering moment where all the voices and all the images keep replaying in my head. Between love, my future, family and great bonds I've encountered... I have a lot to think about.

Goodnight world.

Dear Aunt Leslee,

Throughout my childhood, I have seen my mother be such a lively, vibrant, magnetic soul to a fearful, lost woman with the look of death in her eyes. I have came in the way of life or death with her when she felt like giving up. I let anger that I felt stay on the back burner while I wrapped my arms around, what seemed to me, like a little girl that never could find the love she craved. I didn't want her to feel like she was ever alone. If anything, she still had me. I thought my love would be enough to keep her from killing herself.

But now, all that's left is her flawless, laughing image in my head.

She's gone and I still feel like she was there yesterday, being the best mom I know. She let herself go because she had no more control. She couldn't wake up and realize that she meant the world to me. She was my best friend; my hero in so many ways. I have learned to humble myself with unconditional love for others as she always had for me. I let the little kid come out in me, just like it did in her, just to show people that life is short. I miss her so badly and that will never go away. The laughter and joy that I bring into my life now is in remembrance of what she gave me. The first thing I had ever learned from her.

Until the day she died, she still had a smile on her face telling me that she was just fine and everything will be alright. She shut out everyone in her life but her two little girls. Even you read the letter. She said, "if I continue doing this, I will die." She knew she would, and that's the hardest part to understand. Why would she let go of this precious life? Why would she just let it all go? They say you fall seven times, so get up eight. FIGHT for you life. It's so beautiful yet all you see are the clouds. It hurts me beyond words to hear that you're giving up. I cry because I want you to live. I don't want to lose another close family member of mine to this.

You carry such a light and happiness that my mom, your sister, had. You have been there for me like I was your own daughter since day one. You have such a strong, independent attitude about you that reminds me to let go of my weaknesses. Your support through all my bad times has helped me become more of a better person. You are one of the few things I have left to remember her by. Please, don't die.

I love you so much.

Love,

Miki

A Songwriters' Favorite Feeling

This is me. This is probably you too but you just can't admit it because you're too ashamed or embarrassed of what people might think.

I was given a journal when I started getting an opinion about everything, riiight about the good ol' ripe age of 10. Ever since then, I haven't stopped. Any frustrating moment where I couldn't speak my peace, it was straight to the journal. Then when I got older and got a computer... my journal entries turned into a big blog that became a reality show of my life.

Honestly, everyone is not perfect (well maybe my other Aunt and her family that has never missed a Sunday morning church session). You can't expect someone like me, knowing my past and what I have seen, to keep everything bottled up and pretend like it never happened. I can't help but spill the beans every once in a while. I figure, it's better than starting a pointless fight at a bar, curling up into a ball and becoming depressed because I have no one to talk to, or becoming a prostitute or something along those extreme conditions.

I am just simply speaking what it is on this mind of mine. Everyone has two sides to their side. One side is telling them "you're an idiot. Just give up now and save yourself from the agony" and the other side is saying "be free. Let those bad thoughts go and do what makes you most happy" ... whether you like it or not, those bad thoughts will remain. One of my beloved friends likes to think of her bad thoughts as gory suicide missions on paper. I'll have to admit, it's quite hard to read. Whereas, a few of my other friends and family, well maybe more than a few, like to drink their sorrows away. Sometimes I don't blame em. I'm even guilty of that but have been veering away from that scene slowly. A lot of times, I get friends coming to me and are asking for advice. Bravo to these folks. These guys, especially in the long run, are more open-minded, pleasant, and coachable people to be around. And there's nothing better than having a coachable friend that needs the coaching. I find that the quieter ones are more likely to drop the big bomb every so often. Those are the ones I tend to watch out for. They get so short-wired after a while that it seems like no matter what anyone says, they'll get irritated. I hate to say it, but it's like my sister. I could say one thing that wouldn't upset anyone but her and she'll go off on me, just because it came out of my mouth. I hate to see it happen and I wish she wasn't so uptight but that's the luck of the draw, I suppose.

What really hits the nail in the head is writing for me. DUH, I know. Granted, I still do a little this and a little that to ease the pain, but writing has always stuck around for me. I'll even take breaks here and there when I'm feeling lazy and don't want to write down those thoughts, but then I'll get a wild hand that won't stop typing. Once that happens, I take off into the bloggers' imagination. It's like a songwriters' favorite feeling.

Alright people out there, I'm out for the count. Another late night blogging session bites the dust.

Peace and Love, M