Unfulfillment leaking through.

I find myself screaming in the inside alot, mostly out of frustration. Sometimes I just wish things and people just came to me without all the stupid games and obstacles you have to go through in order to figure it out. I have noticed I have a "f-it" personality right now. Not that I meant to have it, it just came naturally. It seems like the right thing to do is so hard to find, and the wrong thing to do is written everywhere. It's so easy to make a mistake than to make someone proud. My personality has been so vulnerable throughout the last couple years. I was bound to fall into those deviant, wrong-willed tendencies that society has handed to me on a platter. I have so many dreams and I am always thinking of something to make of myself, but how do I make that next step? I want to do it right so bad, but I'm so foriegn to the knowledge of getting there. I think I just called myself dumb, but unfortunately that may be the case.

I WANT TO SCREAM SO HARD!!! I want to rip my hair out and flip the bird to the world. I'm going crazier by the minute. I can feel it under my fingertips. I just want to be ME but I feel like it's practically impossible with the life I've set up for myself. I know I'm different than everyone I surround myself with. I think I'm finding out now that they're not just as different than everyone else. In fact, they're all the same. I'm the black sheep that doesn't know it's way right? Why couldn't i have just been a bear, or perhaps a cougar, maybe a wolverine? I think I would have done much better for myself in the wild.

Games... Who needs them?

I just had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine. We were discussing a trend that we've been seeing out there lately, especially with the early 20's genre out there. We started discussing how one mutual friend in particular has such low self esteem. Once a guy comes into the picture, she will get her poor head wrapped tightly around his game and appear to be defenseless, helpless, and desperate. Now I've tried to talk some sense into her but she doesn't seem to get it. She is absolutely gorgeous, yet she seems to be lacking in the brains... and that is typically how it is. The prettier you are, the more attention you get for your looks more than anything else and the lower self-esteem that follows. It is terribly sad, but it has became very true to me. I have now realized that I'm am one, damn fine sexy specimen in this world. Never did I think that was the case before but I have come to that realization with the effortless royalty treatment that I get just for being me. I liked it at first. Hell yeah, I milked it for a long time, I still do! Here is the thing, I am over it now... I see further than that. I see that guys only treated me good (buying me drinks, taking me out on dates, giving me $$ for no reason!) because I was hot. That's IT?! Naively, I somehow thought that they actually like me for ME and not just my looks... but that's just the case. I miss those innocent feelings and natural giddy highs that you get from a crush. It has all in translated in the last five years of me growing up, that most of a males incentive is to get in my pants. So what does a girl do at this stage in her life?

Well, I've tried reacting in many ways. One was becoming quite a bitch. I brushed away most guys that portrayed interest in me. I became a feminist in all ways. I trained my female friends to stay strong and on top with their relationships and not give in to their vulnerability. Unfortunately, I realized I had to give in at some point. I like men, pleasing them, making them happy with no complaints. So I found myself going down the other route. I put on my cute, innocent face and let guys pamper me. I liked it, but ultimately I knew it wasn't going to work for me. I had that one thought in my head, "they are only pampering me because they want me in their bed" ... I started feeling bad for those that invested their precious money on me, in hopes of winning the fine prize of taking me 'home,' when I had no intention of going home with them from the beginning. Terrible I am right? Well, I just played the game that was being played to me. I was only being fair and teaching lessons to dick-driven men out there.

So how am I now? I have surrendered to the game. I have lost my ambition to cause more drama than is necessary. I am now just a girl to lays it down simple and straight. I hang out with guys who are interested in me, only because I have the same feelings towards them. Treat me right, and I'll give you the time of day. However, if that special guy chooses to disappoint me, I will lost interest. That game doesn't work with me anymore like it does with some girls. You know, the game where guys think that they can be assholes because it makes women flawk to them more and go crazy. No, not me. I simply just don't care for it. I'm above it all now, and I feel like I have good control and a healthy mindset from here on out. Let's face it, I've been through some intense, intoxicating, and very strange times with the dating world. I've experienced it, and now it's time to move on to the real deal.

Thanks Johnny B for making me more of a stronger woman. Man, I feel like the comeback of Britney Spears! haha