I find myself screaming in the inside alot, mostly out of frustration. Sometimes I just wish things and people just came to me without all the stupid games and obstacles you have to go through in order to figure it out. I have noticed I have a "f-it" personality right now. Not that I meant to have it, it just came naturally. It seems like the right thing to do is so hard to find, and the wrong thing to do is written everywhere. It's so easy to make a mistake than to make someone proud. My personality has been so vulnerable throughout the last couple years. I was bound to fall into those deviant, wrong-willed tendencies that society has handed to me on a platter. I have so many dreams and I am always thinking of something to make of myself, but how do I make that next step? I want to do it right so bad, but I'm so foriegn to the knowledge of getting there. I think I just called myself dumb, but unfortunately that may be the case.
I WANT TO SCREAM SO HARD!!! I want to rip my hair out and flip the bird to the world. I'm going crazier by the minute. I can feel it under my fingertips. I just want to be ME but I feel like it's practically impossible with the life I've set up for myself. I know I'm different than everyone I surround myself with. I think I'm finding out now that they're not just as different than everyone else. In fact, they're all the same. I'm the black sheep that doesn't know it's way right? Why couldn't i have just been a bear, or perhaps a cougar, maybe a wolverine? I think I would have done much better for myself in the wild.
Don't let morals set you back in life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Games... Who needs them?
I just had an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine. We were discussing a trend that we've been seeing out there lately, especially with the early 20's genre out there. We started discussing how one mutual friend in particular has such low self esteem. Once a guy comes into the picture, she will get her poor head wrapped tightly around his game and appear to be defenseless, helpless, and desperate. Now I've tried to talk some sense into her but she doesn't seem to get it. She is absolutely gorgeous, yet she seems to be lacking in the brains... and that is typically how it is. The prettier you are, the more attention you get for your looks more than anything else and the lower self-esteem that follows. It is terribly sad, but it has became very true to me. I have now realized that I'm am one, damn fine sexy specimen in this world. Never did I think that was the case before but I have come to that realization with the effortless royalty treatment that I get just for being me. I liked it at first. Hell yeah, I milked it for a long time, I still do! Here is the thing, I am over it now... I see further than that. I see that guys only treated me good (buying me drinks, taking me out on dates, giving me $$ for no reason!) because I was hot. That's IT?! Naively, I somehow thought that they actually like me for ME and not just my looks... but that's just the case. I miss those innocent feelings and natural giddy highs that you get from a crush. It has all in translated in the last five years of me growing up, that most of a males incentive is to get in my pants. So what does a girl do at this stage in her life?
Well, I've tried reacting in many ways. One was becoming quite a bitch. I brushed away most guys that portrayed interest in me. I became a feminist in all ways. I trained my female friends to stay strong and on top with their relationships and not give in to their vulnerability. Unfortunately, I realized I had to give in at some point. I like men, pleasing them, making them happy with no complaints. So I found myself going down the other route. I put on my cute, innocent face and let guys pamper me. I liked it, but ultimately I knew it wasn't going to work for me. I had that one thought in my head, "they are only pampering me because they want me in their bed" ... I started feeling bad for those that invested their precious money on me, in hopes of winning the fine prize of taking me 'home,' when I had no intention of going home with them from the beginning. Terrible I am right? Well, I just played the game that was being played to me. I was only being fair and teaching lessons to dick-driven men out there.
So how am I now? I have surrendered to the game. I have lost my ambition to cause more drama than is necessary. I am now just a girl to lays it down simple and straight. I hang out with guys who are interested in me, only because I have the same feelings towards them. Treat me right, and I'll give you the time of day. However, if that special guy chooses to disappoint me, I will lost interest. That game doesn't work with me anymore like it does with some girls. You know, the game where guys think that they can be assholes because it makes women flawk to them more and go crazy. No, not me. I simply just don't care for it. I'm above it all now, and I feel like I have good control and a healthy mindset from here on out. Let's face it, I've been through some intense, intoxicating, and very strange times with the dating world. I've experienced it, and now it's time to move on to the real deal.
Thanks Johnny B for making me more of a stronger woman. Man, I feel like the comeback of Britney Spears! haha
Well, I've tried reacting in many ways. One was becoming quite a bitch. I brushed away most guys that portrayed interest in me. I became a feminist in all ways. I trained my female friends to stay strong and on top with their relationships and not give in to their vulnerability. Unfortunately, I realized I had to give in at some point. I like men, pleasing them, making them happy with no complaints. So I found myself going down the other route. I put on my cute, innocent face and let guys pamper me. I liked it, but ultimately I knew it wasn't going to work for me. I had that one thought in my head, "they are only pampering me because they want me in their bed" ... I started feeling bad for those that invested their precious money on me, in hopes of winning the fine prize of taking me 'home,' when I had no intention of going home with them from the beginning. Terrible I am right? Well, I just played the game that was being played to me. I was only being fair and teaching lessons to dick-driven men out there.
So how am I now? I have surrendered to the game. I have lost my ambition to cause more drama than is necessary. I am now just a girl to lays it down simple and straight. I hang out with guys who are interested in me, only because I have the same feelings towards them. Treat me right, and I'll give you the time of day. However, if that special guy chooses to disappoint me, I will lost interest. That game doesn't work with me anymore like it does with some girls. You know, the game where guys think that they can be assholes because it makes women flawk to them more and go crazy. No, not me. I simply just don't care for it. I'm above it all now, and I feel like I have good control and a healthy mindset from here on out. Let's face it, I've been through some intense, intoxicating, and very strange times with the dating world. I've experienced it, and now it's time to move on to the real deal.
Thanks Johnny B for making me more of a stronger woman. Man, I feel like the comeback of Britney Spears! haha
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Too bad dreams can't last forever...
It's funny how life works. Just when you think you're living the life, something or someone has to rain on your parade. At this point, I could call it out every time something good happens to me. It sucks how people have to the think in such a way that is vulgar and spiteful and completely out of jealousy. It like they want to see you fail so they and sit there and say "I told ya!" Damn those self-fulfilling prophecies!
I have spent the last 3 months in utter bliss. No drama, no familiarity, no 9 to 5. It felt so vigorating and freeing. It was great for the mind-clearers and adventure takers. I met many people with all kinds of different stories to tell. I was fascinated by the different ways of living that people endure in different areas. I was fascinated by everything. I loved to just be away, without notice really or knowing when I'd return. All I knew was that I was living in that moment and no one was going to stop me.
It'd be cooler to say I was somewhere overseas on an abandoned, tropical island, but it was just about a thousand miles away in the southern part of the land of the fortunate, CALIFORNIA. It was everything I expected it to be, because I wouldn't allow it to be anything other than that. It was the end of summer in Seattle and I wasn't ready for it to end, just yet. I went from fabulous mansion over-looking the water in San Clemente to Hermosa beach back to Newport beach where I got raped by waves, then finally to San Diego where the sun never stops shining. As fun as it was to just be taken care of in lavish houses and live by the beach that you only see in your dreams, I knew reality was somewhere around the corner. I knew my life couldn't be this easy.
Time went by as my skin got darker, and I began to devise some sort of a plan for my return. Or at least have something in mind for my future. I want to do something with my life, but I tend to get stuck in a routine where I end up just living to exist with nothing to say of myself at the end of the day. All my friends in Seattle have it different than me. They have been taken care of by their parents, like any good parent should do, but unfortunately situations don't reside the same way with me. I don't have a mother, and my father is too stingy and away to ever see that I would LOVE to have some sort of help. So what do I do? WHATEVER I WANT. =)
That mentality leads me to my next topic of discussion: my friendships with those who have it MADE. Yes, I envy the friends of mine who can rake in their parents money to pay for school, buy a car, get their own condo, go on vacations... but I'm not sitting here judging them as a human being. Why would I? They are just more fortunate than I am. I wish I had it that easy, but instead I have to work to earn the money to pay for whatever it is I choose. So after a good 5 years of working and working, I decided to give myself a break. I never thought my friends would turn on me when I returned. I soon came to that realization.
It has now been two weeks since I've been home, and I can't say that I'm all that excited to be here. I wish I had the money to go out and do it all over again, except in different places. I just love the fact that I'm alive on this earth too much to let it pass me by. My goal is to have a job where the next day is unexpected and traveling is a necessity. Because to be completely honest, most people don't like the jobs they are in and if they do, they are just too deprived in their structured, robotic lives to even understand that they are missing out. I, on the other hand, have definitely seen the other side.
When I first came home, my friends started off as playing it easy, like nothing was wrong. I was excited to be back and tell my friends about all my ventures, but it seemed like no one really seemed to care. They were so involved in their own inner circle drama that they forgot that they hadn't seen me in over two months! I was confused and slightly disappoint I must say, but I played the same game back, acting like I was interested in whatever gossip they had to say about someone they knew. I started drinking my beers at a faster pace, hoping that would help the time go by quicker. I honestly felt like I was back in fucking highschool! All the drama, all the gittyness about nothing, and all the while I'm getting drunk trying to forget it all.
It's weird when you leave somewhere and travel around and see the most exquisite things and meet the most successful people with intriguing stories to tell, and then you go back home. You pretend like it's all the same, but in reality it's totally not. I've changed. I'm afraid to tell my friends but it's true. I can already forsee it in the future. Either I'm going to get the eff out of here or I'm going to have to confront my friends at some point.
I found out later on by a more reliable friend of mine, that yes people had some words to say about me. Things like "what is she doing with her life?" and "why is she down in so cal in the first place?" or "when did she say she was even coming home??" ... "poor thing... shes a lost soul." ... "she needs to get her act together..." BLAH BLAH. I felt disgusted after I heard all of this. I started confronting my friends and no one really fessed up to it. They had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, they commended me on my ability to be so free-spirited and fortunate to be able to go on such a great vacation. Yeah right, you were just saying a load of crap a couple days ago.
I realized that alot of people that grow up in the Seattle area are surfaced. They avoid confrontation so that they can laugh and gossip about it later to their supposed friends. It's really childish actually. I wish it wasn't so two-faced, but that's what I've come to realize in this area. Oh well, right?
Well, lesson learned. Thanks assholes!
Great to be back!
=)
I have spent the last 3 months in utter bliss. No drama, no familiarity, no 9 to 5. It felt so vigorating and freeing. It was great for the mind-clearers and adventure takers. I met many people with all kinds of different stories to tell. I was fascinated by the different ways of living that people endure in different areas. I was fascinated by everything. I loved to just be away, without notice really or knowing when I'd return. All I knew was that I was living in that moment and no one was going to stop me.
It'd be cooler to say I was somewhere overseas on an abandoned, tropical island, but it was just about a thousand miles away in the southern part of the land of the fortunate, CALIFORNIA. It was everything I expected it to be, because I wouldn't allow it to be anything other than that. It was the end of summer in Seattle and I wasn't ready for it to end, just yet. I went from fabulous mansion over-looking the water in San Clemente to Hermosa beach back to Newport beach where I got raped by waves, then finally to San Diego where the sun never stops shining. As fun as it was to just be taken care of in lavish houses and live by the beach that you only see in your dreams, I knew reality was somewhere around the corner. I knew my life couldn't be this easy.
Time went by as my skin got darker, and I began to devise some sort of a plan for my return. Or at least have something in mind for my future. I want to do something with my life, but I tend to get stuck in a routine where I end up just living to exist with nothing to say of myself at the end of the day. All my friends in Seattle have it different than me. They have been taken care of by their parents, like any good parent should do, but unfortunately situations don't reside the same way with me. I don't have a mother, and my father is too stingy and away to ever see that I would LOVE to have some sort of help. So what do I do? WHATEVER I WANT. =)
That mentality leads me to my next topic of discussion: my friendships with those who have it MADE. Yes, I envy the friends of mine who can rake in their parents money to pay for school, buy a car, get their own condo, go on vacations... but I'm not sitting here judging them as a human being. Why would I? They are just more fortunate than I am. I wish I had it that easy, but instead I have to work to earn the money to pay for whatever it is I choose. So after a good 5 years of working and working, I decided to give myself a break. I never thought my friends would turn on me when I returned. I soon came to that realization.
It has now been two weeks since I've been home, and I can't say that I'm all that excited to be here. I wish I had the money to go out and do it all over again, except in different places. I just love the fact that I'm alive on this earth too much to let it pass me by. My goal is to have a job where the next day is unexpected and traveling is a necessity. Because to be completely honest, most people don't like the jobs they are in and if they do, they are just too deprived in their structured, robotic lives to even understand that they are missing out. I, on the other hand, have definitely seen the other side.
When I first came home, my friends started off as playing it easy, like nothing was wrong. I was excited to be back and tell my friends about all my ventures, but it seemed like no one really seemed to care. They were so involved in their own inner circle drama that they forgot that they hadn't seen me in over two months! I was confused and slightly disappoint I must say, but I played the same game back, acting like I was interested in whatever gossip they had to say about someone they knew. I started drinking my beers at a faster pace, hoping that would help the time go by quicker. I honestly felt like I was back in fucking highschool! All the drama, all the gittyness about nothing, and all the while I'm getting drunk trying to forget it all.
It's weird when you leave somewhere and travel around and see the most exquisite things and meet the most successful people with intriguing stories to tell, and then you go back home. You pretend like it's all the same, but in reality it's totally not. I've changed. I'm afraid to tell my friends but it's true. I can already forsee it in the future. Either I'm going to get the eff out of here or I'm going to have to confront my friends at some point.
I found out later on by a more reliable friend of mine, that yes people had some words to say about me. Things like "what is she doing with her life?" and "why is she down in so cal in the first place?" or "when did she say she was even coming home??" ... "poor thing... shes a lost soul." ... "she needs to get her act together..." BLAH BLAH. I felt disgusted after I heard all of this. I started confronting my friends and no one really fessed up to it. They had no idea what I was talking about. In fact, they commended me on my ability to be so free-spirited and fortunate to be able to go on such a great vacation. Yeah right, you were just saying a load of crap a couple days ago.
I realized that alot of people that grow up in the Seattle area are surfaced. They avoid confrontation so that they can laugh and gossip about it later to their supposed friends. It's really childish actually. I wish it wasn't so two-faced, but that's what I've come to realize in this area. Oh well, right?
Well, lesson learned. Thanks assholes!
Great to be back!
=)
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Where I want to be.
write write write.
Sometimes I sit here and wonder how different my life could be. I imagine myself riding a tractor through an open field with some dirty overalls and the sun blazing on my land. I imagine myself sitting next to a cozy fire in a cabin that lies on a mountain of snow. I even imagine myself in a busy city living in a studio apartment trying to make something of myself. Whatever it may be, I imagine myself being happier. Regardless of what path I choose to follow, what fun is it to do it all alone? Anything good that happens in someones life, is only that much better with someone else doing it with you along the way. I want to get up and go, but with who? Who wants to MAKE MY DAY? haha
As sad as it is to say this, since I've been having alot of fun this summer, I just don't feel the connection like I did where I used to live. I hate comparing two completely different places, but as far as people go, Minnesota has depth, value and meaning in its' soul. There are too many people that play themselves out to be such a hot shot. It's not about dating just one person anymore and having true feelings for them and NOT being afraid to express it. It's about playing all these mind games to leave the other person guessing - or rather pulling out their hair because they're so frustrated that things can't be LAID OUT like it used to be. Not only with men, girls have to always have the upper hand with their girlfriends. Either they know of all the hot spots or they have the most boys interested in them at a certain place. Girlfriends aren't your average girlfriends anymore. They're so wrapped around guys, that they gravitate themselves around the ones they're pursuing just to get more attention. They'll even break plans with their girls just to be around that special guy, who is probably dating several other girls just like her. What happened to TRUE friends and TRUE soulmates? I feel like I am the type of person that LIVES passionately through my life. I love to grab that peice of genuine innocence out of people and linger off of it. Everything else just puts an impurity to them that doesn't attract me as much.
Haha, I know I'm getting all emo with my words but that's who I am. I want something good out of my life. I realized it's really not about making money and flashing it everywhere... it's about finding true love and connection. That's where our lives have the most value.
So to put it all straight, I like this guy. He happens to be a musician - and a very talented one might I add. I've heard all these stories about him being a DB and playing girls left and right, but of course I felt like it might be different with me. However, I'm not sure that I'm correct, I feel like I'm probably being played by him. My friend comes up to me the other day and tells me that this other girl was gawking all about him and the text messages he is sending her. As much as I saw this coming, I still didn't want to have to hear that. He has taken me not only to just dinner and a movie, but we went hiking all day beforehand. And another time, he takes me out on a CANOE? with a bottle of WINE?! Tell me I'm getting played right... I just don't get his motives. If he is showing that he has an interest for me, why does it seem like he is digging himself a hole? I haven't put out. In fact, I haven't put out all summer. I'm trying to become a virgin again I guess. I guess I'm trying to prove a point to all the ladies out there, you don't NEED sex, you don't NEED a man. All you need is happiness and fulfillment. I'm trying to figure that second one out myself.
AHHHH alsdkfjasdfa,mjdsgf but I like him. Make it stop. I can never let my girlfriends, that I've kept strong and away from assholes, know these feelings of mine. So don't tell ;-)
ok.. time to buy some fucking clothes..
Sometimes I sit here and wonder how different my life could be. I imagine myself riding a tractor through an open field with some dirty overalls and the sun blazing on my land. I imagine myself sitting next to a cozy fire in a cabin that lies on a mountain of snow. I even imagine myself in a busy city living in a studio apartment trying to make something of myself. Whatever it may be, I imagine myself being happier. Regardless of what path I choose to follow, what fun is it to do it all alone? Anything good that happens in someones life, is only that much better with someone else doing it with you along the way. I want to get up and go, but with who? Who wants to MAKE MY DAY? haha
As sad as it is to say this, since I've been having alot of fun this summer, I just don't feel the connection like I did where I used to live. I hate comparing two completely different places, but as far as people go, Minnesota has depth, value and meaning in its' soul. There are too many people that play themselves out to be such a hot shot. It's not about dating just one person anymore and having true feelings for them and NOT being afraid to express it. It's about playing all these mind games to leave the other person guessing - or rather pulling out their hair because they're so frustrated that things can't be LAID OUT like it used to be. Not only with men, girls have to always have the upper hand with their girlfriends. Either they know of all the hot spots or they have the most boys interested in them at a certain place. Girlfriends aren't your average girlfriends anymore. They're so wrapped around guys, that they gravitate themselves around the ones they're pursuing just to get more attention. They'll even break plans with their girls just to be around that special guy, who is probably dating several other girls just like her. What happened to TRUE friends and TRUE soulmates? I feel like I am the type of person that LIVES passionately through my life. I love to grab that peice of genuine innocence out of people and linger off of it. Everything else just puts an impurity to them that doesn't attract me as much.
Haha, I know I'm getting all emo with my words but that's who I am. I want something good out of my life. I realized it's really not about making money and flashing it everywhere... it's about finding true love and connection. That's where our lives have the most value.
So to put it all straight, I like this guy. He happens to be a musician - and a very talented one might I add. I've heard all these stories about him being a DB and playing girls left and right, but of course I felt like it might be different with me. However, I'm not sure that I'm correct, I feel like I'm probably being played by him. My friend comes up to me the other day and tells me that this other girl was gawking all about him and the text messages he is sending her. As much as I saw this coming, I still didn't want to have to hear that. He has taken me not only to just dinner and a movie, but we went hiking all day beforehand. And another time, he takes me out on a CANOE? with a bottle of WINE?! Tell me I'm getting played right... I just don't get his motives. If he is showing that he has an interest for me, why does it seem like he is digging himself a hole? I haven't put out. In fact, I haven't put out all summer. I'm trying to become a virgin again I guess. I guess I'm trying to prove a point to all the ladies out there, you don't NEED sex, you don't NEED a man. All you need is happiness and fulfillment. I'm trying to figure that second one out myself.
AHHHH alsdkfjasdfa,mjdsgf but I like him. Make it stop. I can never let my girlfriends, that I've kept strong and away from assholes, know these feelings of mine. So don't tell ;-)
ok.. time to buy some fucking clothes..
Friday, August 01, 2008
Oh, summer.
I have been having such an amazing summer. It's also helped me put things into perspective as well. I've gone out hiking, canoeing, biking, boating, swimming, etc. and I'm glad I've decided to build on my health, rather than destruct it. haha
One thing that is bothering me from all the fun I'm having lately, is my beloved sister. I love her to death, but I know she just can't stand me right now. I don't know how to put it right either! We both have disrespected eachother, called names, hit eachother... and it's sad that we can't just come to terms with everything and move on. Most things that piss her off are over the most pathetic things too. For example, we haven't talked in almost months because she saw one of my friends try on her black shirt that was mixed with mine in the laundry. SO WHAT? I love her and I hope one day we can be friends through all this. She's having tough times right now anyway with her on and off boyfriend and demanding job she has. She put all that on herself though. I'm making twice as much as her and I work not NEARLY as much. oh well. Not everyone is going to like you right?
One person that does though happens to be a guy I'm dating right now. This whole year I haven't found one guy that is decent enough for me and then all the sudden, I'm listening to a song at a house party, where there he is singin and playing the guitar. He's extremely talented and is probably going to go somewhere with his music. I know it's no surprise, since that's all I've seemed to date in the past
Monday, July 07, 2008
A new look
So I realized something last night and I thought I'd LAY IT OUT.
Who knows what kind of person I want to be... who knows what career I want my life revolved around. But until then, I'm going to anxiously search for it. I want change. everyday. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it anymore.
Last night was a productive night out. As the bars were winding down for the night, everyone started to make plans for the after party of course. (sometimes sundays are part of weekend too, apparently). ... ER let's back up a little bit.
I went to the bar and ran into alot of random people I knew that I never expected to be there. One was Scott Selby, former college fling for the year that I went to WSU. Crazy enough, he was there with a girl I knew and was acquainted with. She apparently had a thing for him and invited him out. That was alittle awkward.
I also ran into Phaedra while I was there. Me and her have had our differences and have parted ways in the past. Lately, we've come to terms that we're always going to be there for eachother no matter what.. Knowing that, we sat and caught up for a good time at the bars.
When it got time to leave, I went with phaedra to an after hours party, and boy were people partying there. Me and her took a step back from the partying and sat down and talked to eachother. She started telling me that she's finally putting her life in motion. She finally wants to get her degree and stop wasting her time thinking about it. I was shocked. I saw a completely transformed Phaedra. As I was telling her how happy I was for her, I started to cry. I know I get sensitive easily but I was genuinely happy for her. She is finally shooting for a goal and that is so inspiring.
As we stayed up all night talking about our futures, everyone continued to party til the sun came up. We finally got some sleep and slept into the afternoon. This whole day went by, but I feel better finally. I like having those conversations and acting upon them. So when I finally got home this afternoon, I figured I would take time to reflect on what it is that suits me best in my life. I've been taking career aptitude tests all day long trying to figure that out. I'm almost considering buying myself a package! haha, I don't care. I'm getting nutty but at least it's getting one step closer to where I ultimately want to be in life.
As for everyone else in my life, have fun going out tonight... cuz I'm not coming.
Who knows what kind of person I want to be... who knows what career I want my life revolved around. But until then, I'm going to anxiously search for it. I want change. everyday. I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it anymore.
Last night was a productive night out. As the bars were winding down for the night, everyone started to make plans for the after party of course. (sometimes sundays are part of weekend too, apparently). ... ER let's back up a little bit.
I went to the bar and ran into alot of random people I knew that I never expected to be there. One was Scott Selby, former college fling for the year that I went to WSU. Crazy enough, he was there with a girl I knew and was acquainted with. She apparently had a thing for him and invited him out. That was alittle awkward.
I also ran into Phaedra while I was there. Me and her have had our differences and have parted ways in the past. Lately, we've come to terms that we're always going to be there for eachother no matter what.. Knowing that, we sat and caught up for a good time at the bars.
When it got time to leave, I went with phaedra to an after hours party, and boy were people partying there. Me and her took a step back from the partying and sat down and talked to eachother. She started telling me that she's finally putting her life in motion. She finally wants to get her degree and stop wasting her time thinking about it. I was shocked. I saw a completely transformed Phaedra. As I was telling her how happy I was for her, I started to cry. I know I get sensitive easily but I was genuinely happy for her. She is finally shooting for a goal and that is so inspiring.
As we stayed up all night talking about our futures, everyone continued to party til the sun came up. We finally got some sleep and slept into the afternoon. This whole day went by, but I feel better finally. I like having those conversations and acting upon them. So when I finally got home this afternoon, I figured I would take time to reflect on what it is that suits me best in my life. I've been taking career aptitude tests all day long trying to figure that out. I'm almost considering buying myself a package! haha, I don't care. I'm getting nutty but at least it's getting one step closer to where I ultimately want to be in life.
As for everyone else in my life, have fun going out tonight... cuz I'm not coming.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Wandering, Pondering, And GOSSIP
Girls night tonight. Gossip.. remembering the unremembered..
This weekend was full of fun.. yet still bad decisions. I'm not quite sure how to put how my weekend went. It was sort of a blur. It helped me wake up for a minute though and put my life into more perspective, hence why I'm sitting here writing. Julia spent the whole day with me just hangin out and talking about whatever. Cailey joined in on the girls day later. We talked about what most best friends talk about... boys and such. One issue I haven't let down lately is how most of my friends are conveniently in relationships while the rest are on life overload and don't have time for friends or significant others for that matter. Here I am, without either of the two winter tendencies and I'm wondering what I can do to change it. It seems like for the past few years, I have wrote different blogs don't get me wrong, but they all seem to relate to one thing: Me being lost. I realized I'm never going to think my life is complete until I go back to school. I've come to terms with that. Now I just need to get my ass into action! Please let this blog motivate me tomorrow. I want to be a better person SO BAD.
One productive thing I did this weekend involved swimming! That's right, I pulled out the old polo swimsuit and shiny silicon swim cap with my new goggles and jumped in the water for the first time since the SUMMER. Thanks Michael for your ambition to make it happen. I have put up excuses for everything bad I've done in my life, or all the good things I haven't done for that matter, and I now need to face it: I'm being a loser. No wonder I have no boyfriend. I need to get this life to start shakin. I am craving change I suppose. I'm bored with my life and I need to get some umf to change it. Hopefully, all this words won't end up biting me in the arnse.
My brother came home today and was talking about his crazy, week-long trip to Chicago, then Washington D.C., then New York, then back to Chicago. He met with billionares, shared his company with them and now has the east side of the United States ADORING him. Even the fuckin flight attendants apparently! Maybe this is where all this talk is coming from. This whole day has made me think, ponder about what my next step should be.
Maybe this time I'll figure it out, maybe I won't but no matter what... I'm sure I'll be around for another update in the near future. Ta Ta yesterday... hello to the unknown future.
Mikaela "the wandering bird"
This weekend was full of fun.. yet still bad decisions. I'm not quite sure how to put how my weekend went. It was sort of a blur. It helped me wake up for a minute though and put my life into more perspective, hence why I'm sitting here writing. Julia spent the whole day with me just hangin out and talking about whatever. Cailey joined in on the girls day later. We talked about what most best friends talk about... boys and such. One issue I haven't let down lately is how most of my friends are conveniently in relationships while the rest are on life overload and don't have time for friends or significant others for that matter. Here I am, without either of the two winter tendencies and I'm wondering what I can do to change it. It seems like for the past few years, I have wrote different blogs don't get me wrong, but they all seem to relate to one thing: Me being lost. I realized I'm never going to think my life is complete until I go back to school. I've come to terms with that. Now I just need to get my ass into action! Please let this blog motivate me tomorrow. I want to be a better person SO BAD.
One productive thing I did this weekend involved swimming! That's right, I pulled out the old polo swimsuit and shiny silicon swim cap with my new goggles and jumped in the water for the first time since the SUMMER. Thanks Michael for your ambition to make it happen. I have put up excuses for everything bad I've done in my life, or all the good things I haven't done for that matter, and I now need to face it: I'm being a loser. No wonder I have no boyfriend. I need to get this life to start shakin. I am craving change I suppose. I'm bored with my life and I need to get some umf to change it. Hopefully, all this words won't end up biting me in the arnse.
My brother came home today and was talking about his crazy, week-long trip to Chicago, then Washington D.C., then New York, then back to Chicago. He met with billionares, shared his company with them and now has the east side of the United States ADORING him. Even the fuckin flight attendants apparently! Maybe this is where all this talk is coming from. This whole day has made me think, ponder about what my next step should be.
Maybe this time I'll figure it out, maybe I won't but no matter what... I'm sure I'll be around for another update in the near future. Ta Ta yesterday... hello to the unknown future.
Mikaela "the wandering bird"
Friday, January 11, 2008
Self Defining -> Self Expression
Who are we anyway? Isn't that the big question we ask ourselves several times throughout our lives? All I know is Who I am is the possibility of who I can become. However I may choose to do that will bring out beauty, completion, and inspiration for those around me. I turned yet another page in my life. It's a new year. Time to grow up alittle more. I want each year that comes to be better than the last. This year I want to stay focused on formulating a mixture of good productive things in my life. I want to FEEL good waking up every day. I am going to learn that 2 beers is better than 8. I am going to take one extra step to get me that much farther, even if my feet are blistering, bruised and broken. I want to show everyone who I am and what I'm all about. So move me, lift me up, take me to the sky where there's no limits... nothing less. I want it all in the palm of my hands. Is that too much to ask for??
This Saturday, TOMORROW, I'm taking the Self Expression and Leadership Program. I'm serious. I need to get my mind in gear... my brain needs to be trained for whats to come in the series of games and obstacles I like to call life. Lets go find mikaela...
OH.. new job... LUCKY STRIKE. lovin it.
This Saturday, TOMORROW, I'm taking the Self Expression and Leadership Program. I'm serious. I need to get my mind in gear... my brain needs to be trained for whats to come in the series of games and obstacles I like to call life. Lets go find mikaela...
OH.. new job... LUCKY STRIKE. lovin it.
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