Saturday, November 20, 2010

Never a dull moment

I want to say so much but the blank unwritten blog is intimidating me...

Here we go.

First off, wow. My life has been turned upside-down. Then again, when does it not? I have three jobs right now. I like it, however, I'm run down and I don't like that feeling. I want to be 100% in everything I do but tonight I couldn't hide my dragging face towards the end of the third day at my new job. I hope they don't think I'm already over working there. I've come to realize the more I stay in the restaurant industry, the less tolerant I have become. Being fake is not in my nature, and that is all they want to see sometimes. I can be professional, but not fake. As much as I can't wait for the festivities tomorrow, I'm ready for the weekend to be over so I can start focusing on my future plans more.

Speaking of the weekend,GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEDRIVE is on! I've been helping Mike plan this event for weeks now and finally the time has come. Fashion show, art displays, DJ's from all over (which whom are snoring soundly at the house as I'm writing), and a wholllle lotta booty shaking is what this bird is about to get herself into. Oh yeah, and I'm going to finally break the seal. I have not drank since Halloween and boy that has been a struggle. But I'm proud of myself for saying NO to drink offers on numerous occasions these past few weeks. I'm stronger than I thought.

Other than all that jazz, how am I feeling lately? My friends are good, my life is busy and slightly hard to keep up with, my goals are brewing, my passions are finally bursting out of its' shells, but how is Mikaela on the deeper front? I'm feeling ultimately on a content level and stable ground. However, no matter what, I'm still fighting that urge to want someone and embrace them wholeheartedly without ever letting go. Lonely, in other words. I'm afraid if and when I do find that in my life, will that be enough? I've been so there for my friends lately and they have right back. I've even had some good cuddling nights. I speak as the strong force for my friends that have fallen weak with settling in their relationships. Shit, I've basically gone pro with how many times I've had to mind slap people to wake them up and realize what they DO have in their life and how they CHOOSE what they want and how they feel. So why do I still have this burning feeling of emptiness in my chest? I don't think I'll ever be able to let that feeling I had with this person go... I keep preaching to others and reaffirming myself that "YOU are the ultimate manifestation of what you define life to be, whether it is raising a family, pumping that adrenaline and not being afraid, or making a passion a successful career and changing the world. This life is yours, so what really matters to you at the end of the day?" So stop worrying about what it is they want from you and start focusing on your needs for once. For me, my goals and meaning in life change so often that I can't ever pin it down for what I want to follow through with. But now, I've decided it's time to finally start biting the bullet and start making dreams come true little by little, day by day.

On that note of bouncy thoughts, dreams are where my mind floats off to next. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Taking it in stride, then leaps.

Each day I wake up, I usually get struck with unexpected news. Yesterday, happened to be more strikes than normal. It was Veteran's day.

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It started off with a blood warm sunrise that peaked off Mount Rainier. My friend captured this. It made me feel happy to be right here, living in the heart of Seattle.

Cuddling close to my roommate, Mike, and Allison, my day started. I come to find out first that my other roommate, Bonnie, has lost her grandmother. It effected her pretty deep considering she grew up in her grandmother's house her entire childhood. That woman was the rock of the family and she couldn't imagine life without her, until now.

After feeling her pain, I come to find out that my favorite bartender at my new job, got canned after five years of working there. Just like that. No warning, with all those years of showing his loyalty to the company. Not to mention, he informed me that they were thinking of firing me as well, for no reason besides business being slow and me not "getting it" enough. After only a month of working there, I've come to realize they are the most egotistical, inconsiderate individuals I've ever worked for.

On top of that, my two good friends have split. I have spent my last year with Dylan and consider him one of my nearest and best friends in my life. Allison came into the picture about 6 months ago and we've all connected since then. It's just sad and unfortunate to see two beautiful souls separate their love for one another. I mean, no one wants to see that however on my behalf, this only adds on to my single lag.

On other terms, I'm taking everything in and seeing it all in a positive way. I've become more calm and reassured that I'm going to get through this. In time, I will have a life I've been destined for. I know I have it in me. I finally know what I need to do that will provide the utmost happiness in my life. Now, I just need to put it all together. Being 24, could most likely be my best year yet, especially in transformation.

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“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” -Charles Palahniuk

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

This too shall pass

WHAT A LIFE.

I just can't go too much into detail. I realize being open online just doesn't do me any justice.

What was the purpose of this blog in the first place anyway? Not to explain what I do every day. Not to necessarily vent (however I tend to do that just to avoid speaking nonsense to unassuming ears), but to explain how I feel in this very moment of time in my life. Knowing that, I've realized the following...

I felt, for a while now, that I wanted to try and get myself a man. I've been feeling alittle lonely in this single world. I tried. Finally, after fighting the urge for over 3 years of the single life, I started 'dating.' I put just about %100 into everything I found potential with. Chose the ones you'd never expect me to choose as a potential partner. Unfortunately, nothing worked in the end. And the moral of the story? I realized how much I've taken my independence for granted. All the drama and sticky situations that you find yourself entangled with have now vanished. There is no going back and I am fine with that. I have to start setting my boundaries and stop wasting my time on weak individuals. Give me someone real and talented. I'm exhausted with those that just keep bringing me down. This is MY time.

Looking from the outside in, I can't believe how fortunate I am. Granted, I'm just starting to get on my feet again since Burning Man. I'm finally where I want to be; where I CHOOSE to be. I'm not doing what anyone else is telling me to. I'm not living someone else's life. This one is all mine. I'm sorry but "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!!!!!" haha... oh wait oh wait. Damn my landmark class. Wasn't I supposed to get over that already? hah.

As far as careers go, I'm really starting to see things a bit clearer. Life is starting to formulate. And my magically ways of talking about what I'm interested in doing with my life to ANYONE is paying off. I don't want to go into too much detail until I understand what it takes to fulfill my destiny. It's been a LONG time since I've gotten anywhere close to a passion that I'd like to leak into my future career; the rest of my life! It feels good. It's about time!

Anyway, exhaustion is powering over me. I wish I could never sleep at this point in my life. I'm so anxious to start making something happen, something MINE for once.

Oh dreams that can be real life situations; you consume me.

Night world.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Late Night Catch-up.

Sometimes I let such simple things get the best of me. Sometimes I forget why I'm really here, living and breathing, on this planet. I think about how life could be different if I were a different race, different culture. How fortunate I really am this far is so amazing to feel right now. At this very point in my life, I have manifested such great people with alot of passion and insight. I've been stumped on numerous occasions by beauty I have never thought existed and breathless by stories I never knew could happen. I know, without a doubt, I'm lucky.

This weekend, I got to witness a friend 'open' her eyes and crawl out of her comfort shell she carefully concocted over the last 3 years to maintain that 'stable' life. A relationship where neither wanted to be alone, however neither were compatible either. Finally, she decided that instead of not having the guts to say goodbye, she truly wanted her partner to be happy and she knew she wasn't enough. So she let go. Cold turkey. SINGLE AS CAN BE! Another one bites the dust.

In other notes, my sister is officially hmm ALMOST DUE. Something around 45 days or so until a Avaline Michelle pops out of that booper belly. I think about her a lot and how her life is going to be so different for the rest of her life. Nothing but poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and squealing cries are going to what consumes her life. Oh, joy. But really, I'm thoroughly stoked for her new arrival and life. I hope it comes easier to her than expected.

I have officially MOVED TO SEATTLE AND I LOVE IT. Life can't be much better/independent. I'm finding a whole new outlet for creating paths that I could follow through with for the rest of my life, and not find out half-way down the road that it's doesn't interest me anymore. I've been interacting with people that DO follow their vision, or dream if you rather. I've also gone the other route, finding out what it is that I definitely don't want to be doing. The simple question I always ask, "so what is it that you do? (what is it that you have that I don't have?)" Then I sit there and see if that is a lifestyle suitable for me. So far, I've found out that I definitely DON'T want to be a nurse, cocktail waitress, bar owner, accountant, drug dealer, lawyer, officer of any kind, insurance broker or any sort of corporate job. I have brewed a few things in mind but I'd rather know more about it before I start sharing.

I'm working, saving money, and loving life right now. I've met a few men in the last couple months that might have potential, and are most definitely keeping me smiling for the most part, but you never know. I never try to expect too much from the opposite sex. I've learned that.

I miss my old life sometimes. I have been talking about Minnesota often. My old bull dog, my step dad and his goofy ways, my mom. It's weird that 7 years ago, a life got flipped upside down and gets brought into a whole new lifestyle, and even now you just can't let it go. Too many objects, songs, pictures, movies, hair dos and sayings remind me, and will always remind me, of where I came from. Boop says I should be talking to a therapist (like she is) once a week. Just to talk and let it out. I know it can't hurt. I'll look into it.

I'm officially tired. Lynzie comes in town tomorrow and Ben at the end of the week! Then, Seacompression and Halloween are about to bring a whole light of wicked and wild memories to reflect on. Oh the joy of seasons changing.

Goodnight.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"at least make something of yourself, Mikaela"

Someone just opened a whole new can of worms.

I love her to death but she triggered a button this time. It comes from a good place, I know. However, when you accuse someone of something you have no idea about, which lingers merely from soccer mom gossip, I can't help but want to cringe alittle. I'm coming down off of a great adventure, and just like every other year - someone's gotta rain on the parade to flood you with reality. I get it. I've been fucking off for a while or rather falling behind - to you. To me, I have been figuring this all out. Seeing everything in a new light and taking up opportunities that lie as I live and breathe each day. I have come close to a few options as far as "making something of myself" goes just from talking to people that have followed their dreams and seeing such beautiful creations of a lifestyle I admire. Now it's a matter of acting upon it.

I need to adjust my thought process, once again. Social life, health, but mostly love. I keep searching and trying to make things work. Mutual? Probably not, but I don't care. I've wanted to make something normal - something steady for a while. A familiar body to embrace on a daily basis. An ear to be here when I need someone to leak my passionate thoughts to. A good soul and will to make something beautiful and not just shrug off. Key word - make. I can't make anything like that happen. Why can't I find anything remotely close to that since B? It's been almost 4 years since I let it go. I know I'm only 24 and life is so young for me right now, but I'm so ready for something as strong as that. I have always been. I just want magic, nothing less. hah.

I watched Remember Me last night with the famous Robert Pattinson and it had a good moral to the story. How could you possibly know that tomorrow is a promised day? What does your life mean to you? How can you make it the best in your eyes?

Don't blink twice, Mikaela. And stop sleeping in. Time is fucking precious.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

She speaks what I am

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together”

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.”

“There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do.”

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.”

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

My head is flooded with thoughts that I can seem to shake out easily. Therefore, I find myself with quotes of those who think like me. Oh, Anaís Nin, how I wish I lived in your day in age just to be your friend.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Still flying; finding a spot to land.

I realized I don't update enough for as much that goes on in my life. I've definitely been taking my life and putting it smack dab in the moment and NOW after about a month, I can finally take myself out of that moment and reflect.

I can't believe I live in a day in age that consists of a place where people can live, love, and laugh in the purest form. It is remarkable that I am fortunate to know the people I've encountered and lives I've touched just with my energy and presence. Burning Man was again the best time of the year thus far, and my life for that matter. It's seriously becoming a community that I'm a stronger part of. After my third year at the wonderful place, I get stopped by people that recognize me from years past, and that my friends is the greatest encounters.
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This year was a strangely magnificent one, that being the weather. Of course our entrance is never graceful and this year allowed no exceptions. Our first year, we landed a flat tire a mile from the event. We could SEE it we were that close. Unfortunately our jack broke and after about hours of frustrating energy circulating throughout us, we stumble in with our lousy flat tire. Granted, it was dark and there was a heavy dust storm coming in so our placement was WAY out there. Second year, we had to wait in will call which delayed the wait by double! We finally arrive at 7 am, park our car at 9:30 and D and pass out after driving and waiting for nearly 30 hours. The weather throughout the week had its calm and crazy wind rides. I truly started loving the personality of those dream-like dust storms that can never be anticipated because of it's sporadic approach. This year, the wind and rain and freezing (literally 32 degrees) temperatures was almost unbearable. But we pulled through it of course, especially with all the extra hands we had this year. It is really unfortunate we didn't have Taylor's 32 foot trailer then. The next couple days, it rained and blew and it wasn't too much warmer. Then finally on Tuesday, the weather took a sudden turn and the rain stopped. Once the view cleared far out by the mountains, a colorful slope of a rainbow appeared. Photobucket
It started off very subtle, then it got more vivid and euphoric. Before you know it, a DOUBLE RAINBOW peaked through! We were in SUCH awe. ("What did it mean?!" haha) Of course, after that rainbow, the rest of the burn the weather was in our hands. 90 degrees, 95 degrees the next day, and I think it even reached 100! It felt hot. Speaking of......

I had a great posse this year and they all came in different groups. San Diego, San Fran, LA, Las Vegas, Seattle (basically the west side) is where we all came from. I don't know how we did it but our camp was full of smokin' hot, attractive characters. There was officially 19 of us. Could have been alittle overwhelming for the returning burners considering most of our camp were newbies, but it was a great camp nonetheless.

I'm officially blessed to be a part of this life of mine. I keep reading how I need to become something of myself in older posts. It's all for the money, the structured lifestyle, the American tradition. I guess I'm just not completely ready for that agenda yet. I am brewing a few ideas right now and hopefully I can make something out of anything this next year.
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And now that I'm back to reality, I have a few things to finally pick up that I've been putting off for quite some time. It is now officially time to get my dad out of this house. It is now time for me to get a new j-o-b knowing that Allure is just not going to cut it and move to SEATTLE! I'm ready to make the most of it since I don't know any other way to live anyway. I am considering San Francisco in the new year or possibly San Diego, just like I had planned the year prior. We'll just have to see how the rest of this year pans out, professionally, financially, and intimately.

Oh, I love my new beginnings... how scary and exciting they can be.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Venting season has arrived.

Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man Burning Man

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K, now we can begin.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR BURNING MAN. I'm going nuts, I think. And just when you think you are going to have everything covered and everyone will walk their talk about what they plan on doing to make our camp STAND OUT and be one of the best camps at Burning Man... It all just comes crashing down on you like broken glass shattering into pieces all around you. Well, it's not that dramatic but it's venting time...


I really was looking forward to sharing this experience with Taylor this year. Take her somewhere that she's never been; a place where she can be herself and run wild and free without a care in the world. As time got pushed closer and closer, she promised to leave the month of August open for preparation. It is now AUGUST 12th, and nothing has not been TOUCHED on her behalf except for a few hemp necklaces. Basically, the main things she said she could provide is: the 30-foot trailer we'll be sleeping in and piling alot of crap into, our BIG piece of art (eywa tree) that she had all the material for and wanted to build mostly, the dozens of outfits we plan on making to give out. And now today she tells me, "I don't know if I want to go this year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather disappear from everyone and go to the ocean." Really. The ocean. That will ALWAYS be there. Oh, life and that lemon shit. I have to realize, too, that she has deeper burdened issues that keep her from going. I just wish the timing wouldn't have been so completely off on her part.

Faraz has actually been a great sport about everything. She's totally taking over on costume making and we're now going to be meeting every day to make it all come together nicely. Oh and Snef, that girl rocks. Totally bought all the paint we need for our sign and some bluuuue and make-up for the bodies. We had a great time yesterday shoppin' around and finding little things that will make our camp even better than our vision. A guy we know is also going, and he is lending us an air brush kit! score! Even better... I met a guy at a burner picnic and he just so happened to talk around town and find me a 24ft across, 15ft high DOME! GO ME.. My brother was pretty thrilled to hear that. Speaking of, he definitely went according to planned, and bought a savage van with all the amenities to keep our burners hearts happy and less worried. He shall be gracing us with his presence in about 48 hours. phew. I need him BAD right now.

A few friends are really excited for me and want to help, including my little crush. I'm glad that he did his research about it. I think I got him in for next year, that is, if he's still around. At the present moment, I feel "meh" about him, but that's just some of my frustration in the texting games he likes to play. It's his way of coming up with witty remarks or sly (on the border rude) comments to make him sound cooler. I'm realizing he doesn't mean it and maybe that's his way of lightening, or dampering, a liking I may have towards him. You can definitely tell he was the youngest of the family bunch. For example, words like "balls", "hoes", "murkin niggas", and "cartoons" are probably the most frequent words used in his vocabulary. When we're together, I can't stop thinking about kissing him if I'm not already. I haven't felt so highschool in a while with a guy, which is why I remain "meh." What I really need to do is to let myself back up alittle. Hey! What do ya know, burning man is on the horizon and will do just the trick.

Anyway, I'm off to recharge until I get alittle bit crazier than yesterday.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Minds breaking hearts.

I try to be so many different things. I try to be this strong, undefeated superwoman that no one can hurt. I try to be a smart, witty know-it-all that no one can outsmart. I try to be a trendy, fashion-crazed rockstar that no one can out-bad ass. I try to be so many different things, you see. But what I've decided that it comes down to, is what it is that you really need from life no matter what facet of yourself you care to achieve for the day.

I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.

And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.

I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?

This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Crushed in different directions

I just read some really depressing stories and now I REALLY can't sleep.

No wonder why people can be so fucking mental. This world is full of crime, felons, heartache, cheating, lies, deceit, suffering, abuse. It hurts to know that people have hurt. It hurts to see it happen in your own life, even worse. Sometimes I'm so in love with the world I could cry, and others I'm completely disgusted I could vomit. Lately, I've just been stressed; numb from all the pain. Keeping myself busy to cloud out any other useless thoughts that flood my mind when I give a chance. It's all caught up to me tonight.

I started to realize that I've been dancing in a dream for a whole week with this guy. I've completely lost control of my feelings that seemed so nonexistent the week prior. I am blind, away from reality, and I've sunk in a euphoric sea. It's just so deep that I can't breathe and am transforming into someone else. My mind is officially blown away.

So, now that I have a chance to think, I can't stop. It's a quarter past 5 am and I now have to be up in four hours. gahhh.

What am I going to do after a month?!

And when it rains, it pours.

Here is the start of a loooong cycle of blogs. Oh life, with a cloud of love.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Falling Awake

Sitting here
Sleepily gazing into air
Through empty dessert mountains
Tasting the voices of the wind
Everything within reach, including the sky

Alone but comforted by warmth
A glistening sunset wind
Feels like a still kiss from the past

Sitting here
Imagining my life somewhere else
Through the alpine white mountains
Next to a breathing sultry fire
Could be centuries away

You're out there somewhere
Through the Earth, into the sky
I will find you; I have already met you.

Friday, May 28, 2010

The Lady Who Will Have a Story to Tell.

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K now we can start!

With Burning Man three months away and AZ and Vegas on the horizon, I can't help but be spastic lately! I can't believe I'm finally doing it! And not only that, I'll be driving a new car (I'm determined to finally get one now. Finally.) and I'll be fortunate enough to see both my brothers in AZ while I'm there. I am thoroughly STOKED. More importantly, I'll be traveling and venturing off to a new chapter in my life with complete uncertainty of how it unfolds once I get there. Oh the thrill of a 24-year-old.

The other day, my sister sat me down and asked me, "What do you have to show for yourself in the last five years?" At first, I felt defensive asking her if she wants me to show her a piece of paper or a nice corporate job. If that was the case, I don't have anything to show for her. And she then said, "I know you have traveled and met many people along the way and you party at the best places but what else?" ... hah I laugh. WHAT ELSE. Well sissy, not only did I just travel and see things and meet people, I heard stories no one else can say they've done, I found out who I was in several ways, I learned how to be patient and appreciate the earth for what it's worth other than man-made things and lifestyles. I've learned how to open and simply LOVE in the purest way. I've encountered life-long connections with people from all over the world. I've learned how to use my mind to be creative and start creating a trademark for myself. More importantly, I've lived like there was no tomorrow. Do you ever ask yourself that question: have you lived to your very fullest, like there was no possible way of seeing the dawn tomorrow brings? Well, I do every.. single... day. Granted I could have pushed myself to get my degree already or creeped my way up to a decent job at this point, but I'm happy with what I am, where I am right now.

Anyway, last night with Taylor was remarkable. We sat around all afternoon making beaded hemp chokers and bracelets while watching Henry & June for the third time this week and drinking red wine and Thai food with good conversation. Then we found it in ourselves to go dancing later. We danced and danced until we had no breath. ANY THEN, my other favorite friend Dylan came to meet up and take us around the city until we sobered up enough to drive home, where all of us ended up having a big cuddle puddle. It was glorious. Even though I'm about to see my favorite DJ of all time tonight, I'm not quite sure Armin can top of what yesterday meant to me, but it's too early to tell. We'll see.

Time to get ready on one of the final nights I will spend in Seattle for a while. Cheers!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

System Overload

Just when I thought I had it all under control, I go into system overload.

I put in my two weeks at my job a few days back. Hellevue's hands had taken a grasp out of the purity of my free-spirited heart which acquired real, true feelings and smashed it with a bunch of egotistical, materialistic fucks, which some I've had the pleasure of working with. Basically, I need a change of scene. That place wasn't doing it for me and I had a few other things I'd rather do coming up than be tied down to this high-stress, overworking job that my life got entangled with. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss a few untainted souls that still have the dignity to continue working there, but I just couldn't. Today, I watched an outstanding movie, and later I looked up some of the memorable quotes in it and found/remembered this one:

"From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life."
— Anaïs Nin

Henry and June, what a movie to put things into perspective.

On another note, as one withers away another is blooming to life. My step grandmother passed away two weeks ago. Body was found three days later at her home and three empty half gallons of gin in the kitchen. It was not even seven months ago that my grandfather, her husband, shot himself and diminished my grandmothers' purpose in life. It was sad to hear the end of these two lives that had simply given up. The day before my sister had found out by the police, she called our grandmother to tell her she was pregnant. Little did she or anyone else know, our grandmother was long gone. Crazy how life works like that. By the way, if you just skimmed through that last statement I'll make it more clear right now by saying: MY SISTER IS PREGNANT. Holy wow. I know I'm an aunt of 5 already but my little booper butt sister is seriously pregnant and loving it. I'm freaked out scared for her since she's been having alot of life trials lately and hasn't really been 'stable' in any sense of the word. All I do know is that she will be an extraordinary mother and love that baby in every single way. Knowing that, I can take my scared self down a notch. BAH!

Moving on...

I have had a very interesting outlook on life lately and it's simply off of this one question I keep asking myself whenever I feel like I'm in a fork in the road. What is your purpose in life Mikaela? Life's purpose isn't simply about becoming something. As we listen to our inner childhood dreams and learn how what truly makes us happy, it is then we can take that next step towards finding one's purpose. It is only then when we grow up and get to know ourselves more and the possibilities of who we can become. Screw loathing in fear, failure, insecurities, and other's opinions of how they want you to live. When you see me sitting there not looking at you in the eye and instead wandering into the space in the air, with my hands folded in between my legs and my body is shifted away from you, I've checked out of the conversation therefore saying that the quality you provide in my life is LOW. It is at this new chapter in my life, where I will gravitate towards strong-willed, strong-minded and a better sense of living that I know a few people have in them. Nothing less.

On that note, I met a new friend named Taylor. She's tall and skinny like me except more so in every way. She has a very chill sense about her. Likes to reflect on everything and find meanings beyond whats obvious. I fear she may have a guy problem but I'm slowly oozing my sense of self-righteousness above all men on her. She's warming up to it. She's just afraid of the repercussions of her actions, which is valid, but also not valid. Who cares about tomorrow when you don't know if you'll be around then? No regrets and limitations is what I've been living by if you're just tuning in. But yeah. Basically, everything about her I adore. We've become "two peas and a pod" her mom says. Her mom = my mom. Her every ounce of love in her, view on life, her hippie and hip ways, shit.. even the handwriting. I think I might adopt her as my new mommy.

Can't forget my other loves: Dylan and Adam.. Other than that, there isn't anyone else really that does it for me at this very moment in my life. Sadly enough, I only REALLY want to hang out with these three people as much as possible. They are all my addiction, in other words. Everyone else are either fillers, hot nights, or random old best friends that I've become distant with over the years and get to see once in a clear sky in Seattle.

Let's just brush over the hot nights since everyone would like to know. The whole living-in-the-moment-without-any-limitations doesn't necessarily go for the men I've been dating. To be quite frank, I preach for my high quality friends and lately have been going for the typical cocky white guys. WHY O WHY you ask? I have an eye and that eye has been craving the candy over her daily vegetables lately. I know, I shouldn't and I lecture friends all the time about this, but I haven't been able to help myself with dating the physically date-able. I do however have control when it comes to hitting the sack. It amuses me when I don't give them what they want, or expect out of an intimate night of simply hanging out and getting to know eachother. Does it always have to be about sex?? I need to find a fucking boyfriend and get it over with. But who and where do I find this practically invisible, nonexistent man?

Oh life. It's time to lay this bouncing-off-the-walls mind of mine to rest. Goodnight to a strange but very exciting life.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Operation: Drop kick - replenish +

There are a few situations I have found myself in lately. Between new friends and my interests, I've been pulled in different directions and started to discover ME and what I stand by. For one, I've realized I have had it SUPER easy with the excellent people I've been around the last couple years. Some are smarter, more mature than me. I've felt more like the lil pup in some of my relationships with my close ones because I have so much to learn from them. I take account of everything they say because I know they mean it and have worth to even have said it. They tend to bring happiness and confidence in controlling life the way you want it to be. Loving you strong, feeding my soul.

However, the tables have turned.

I'm realizing I have a gift from what I've learned in this life thus far. I've met outrageously talented and creative-minded people that are so at peace with themselves. They truly define LLL (Life, Love, and Laughter).

On the other hand...

I have met some people lately that get easily stressed out and has negativity and materialism everywhere they breathe. It hurts because I find myself acting the same way; eating into all the drama that acclimates around them. I literally have to grab my scalp to clear my head of those double-crossed thoughts just to not let them take the best of me. And I feel like it's all because they've been brainwashed and exposed to this world, that they would even admit they hate as well, take over them. They become it.. maybe they know no other way or they choose misery over pleasure. Who knows? I just know it can't be me.

Not saying it's their fault because I'm sitting in the middle of it, but maybe there is a way to teach them what I once was blinded from. Shit, I know I got a LONG way before I can say I'm where I want to be. I'm not a saint, but maybe someday I can be something close to it.

Furthermore, I've decided I shall write whatever comes to my head sporadically at the moment to let it all out for the air to absorb so my head shall be free... weeee

Things, thinking, fake smiling, drama ma ma, realizing, dreaming what I'm not, Bird disperse, passion drifting, brainstorming, perception deception, thinking, wanting it and then not wanting it, StiLL standing STILL.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Bite the hand that feeds

I feel like everyone does this. Now after slowly reading this, I can point out the scenarios. Hurting the person that loves you most. Is ungrateful for the little things people do for you. Is unaware of feelings that a close person has towards you or around you. Thinks the world of themselves; is so self righteous that they don't even recognize the good in anyone else. Shuns those that have different beliefs. The list goes on. I happen to see this everyday I walk into work.

Why do they preach kindness and being so down-to-earth that they can't even come close to what that really means? Why fake how you feel and hide your judgments towards people who work hard for more than its worth? I try to see past the critiquing and featherbrained egos. I want to like you so life can smooth over easily, but I'm having a hard time. Every time I get off, I feel a sense of freedom and love for living life how I want to live it.

After work, I feel a reverse feeling from the management I work with. More laid back and ready to laugh. Stoked to see you enjoying yourself and you feel like you've been upset for nothing. Then, the diabolical cycle repeats.

Sorry folks, I can't let you run my life. It's sad to see them pushing good people that know their shit out of the company and letting people that have no idea about the industry run the place. Good idea. Right.

I'm over it. allllready.

And the scheme to not stand still continues...

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Still Standing STILL.

thinking. thinking. thinking. boys. thinking. thinking. drinking. thinking..... still thinking.

Sometimes, you'll find me looking confused for no apparent reason. Like I'm concentrating or listening to something in my head. That's how I've been lately. In my head screams those three little words: What. To. Do.

Is this geminitical (yep that's my word, I claimed it), indecisive side of me going to keep me standing still? I need to move.. move move move. But where? How? I'm Anxious!!

Let's lay it all out so I can clear my crazy head...

Numero 1: Move to Vegas for 5-6 months to make twice-three times as much as much cheese as I make now. Also, see where a relationship with a special person will flourish once it becomes a daily thing and less vocational. Then, if all goes as planned, come home for B-Man and possibly schooling for the fall now that I got my urge for travel out.

Numero 2: Sunny So Cal livin. Close to Vegas. Closer to close friends. Could probably land a decent money makin' job and get myself well "above water."

Far fetched Numero 3: San Fran. A big, fun artistic party network waiting for me to grace them with my presence. Already have a modeling gig lined up. Close to some important people I've known throughout my life.

The unthinkable Numero 4: Stay here in Seattle - weigh out the summer with the decent job I have, along with the new relationships that have become more engraved every day. Go to B-Man. Ache to travel and probably not end up wanting school this time around. Leaving me where I am at today. And last year. And the year before.

Oh, no. I think I've made up my mind. I can't stay here. I can't.

That means, I need to start making some moves. FAST. ... gulp.

Wine. be mine.

The end.