Where I want to be.

write write write.

Sometimes I sit here and wonder how different my life could be. I imagine myself riding a tractor through an open field with some dirty overalls and the sun blazing on my land. I imagine myself sitting next to a cozy fire in a cabin that lies on a mountain of snow. I even imagine myself in a busy city living in a studio apartment trying to make something of myself. Whatever it may be, I imagine myself being happier. Regardless of what path I choose to follow, what fun is it to do it all alone? Anything good that happens in someones life, is only that much better with someone else doing it with you along the way. I want to get up and go, but with who? Who wants to MAKE MY DAY? haha

As sad as it is to say this, since I've been having alot of fun this summer, I just don't feel the connection like I did where I used to live. I hate comparing two completely different places, but as far as people go, Minnesota has depth, value and meaning in its' soul. There are too many people that play themselves out to be such a hot shot. It's not about dating just one person anymore and having true feelings for them and NOT being afraid to express it. It's about playing all these mind games to leave the other person guessing - or rather pulling out their hair because they're so frustrated that things can't be LAID OUT like it used to be. Not only with men, girls have to always have the upper hand with their girlfriends. Either they know of all the hot spots or they have the most boys interested in them at a certain place. Girlfriends aren't your average girlfriends anymore. They're so wrapped around guys, that they gravitate themselves around the ones they're pursuing just to get more attention. They'll even break plans with their girls just to be around that special guy, who is probably dating several other girls just like her. What happened to TRUE friends and TRUE soulmates? I feel like I am the type of person that LIVES passionately through my life. I love to grab that peice of genuine innocence out of people and linger off of it. Everything else just puts an impurity to them that doesn't attract me as much.

Haha, I know I'm getting all emo with my words but that's who I am. I want something good out of my life. I realized it's really not about making money and flashing it everywhere... it's about finding true love and connection. That's where our lives have the most value.

So to put it all straight, I like this guy. He happens to be a musician - and a very talented one might I add. I've heard all these stories about him being a DB and playing girls left and right, but of course I felt like it might be different with me. However, I'm not sure that I'm correct, I feel like I'm probably being played by him. My friend comes up to me the other day and tells me that this other girl was gawking all about him and the text messages he is sending her. As much as I saw this coming, I still didn't want to have to hear that. He has taken me not only to just dinner and a movie, but we went hiking all day beforehand. And another time, he takes me out on a CANOE? with a bottle of WINE?! Tell me I'm getting played right... I just don't get his motives. If he is showing that he has an interest for me, why does it seem like he is digging himself a hole? I haven't put out. In fact, I haven't put out all summer. I'm trying to become a virgin again I guess. I guess I'm trying to prove a point to all the ladies out there, you don't NEED sex, you don't NEED a man. All you need is happiness and fulfillment. I'm trying to figure that second one out myself.

AHHHH alsdkfjasdfa,mjdsgf but I like him. Make it stop. I can never let my girlfriends, that I've kept strong and away from assholes, know these feelings of mine. So don't tell ;-)

ok.. time to buy some fucking clothes..