Sometimes, all I want to do is run. Run away from all my obligations in life and find some sort of outdoor summer energy in the air to take me to a better state in mind. Being tough catches up to me. I can't pretend or bluff it all the time. I swirled my energy around this last week in all sorts of different directions. Playing it "cool" and listening too much. Now I have the thought of Mother's day coming up and my 25th birthday that I haven't even began to wrap my head around yet. I just feel like a getaway.
I want my mom to fall back on; to embrace when I'm in a sticky situation. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO SO SOON?! I wish I could shake her soul and then hold her hand and walk her back to life. Tell her things will get better and I'll never leave her side ever again. I bet if I led her the right way and hung out with her she wouldn't have left so soon. Same with my grandfather.
I am looking back at this year. The parties, the drinking, the boys, the jobs, living at the Buddhaful house. Is this the direction I wanted? I'm questioning my actions today more than any other day and feel like I need to shift a few things around. Stick the drinking back in the cabinet, tell the parties I'll take a rain check, stop wasting my time on stupid fucking boys, and move out of the house and friends that facilitates all of that. I'm over it. I want a fresh new start.
I'm going to start finding new activities. Maybe a team to be a part of once again. Some classes I can start taking to better myself. A guitar. A sewing machine. Another outlet to direct my thoughts and views on this crazy life I've obtained thus far. Who knows, maybe after burning man this year I can actually make a move out of this country.
I want to be so much in my life. I just hope I don't disappoint myself down the road. I know my mom would be proud of me. Her support always drove me further.
I miss her so much but I know that is not my life anymore and it will never be. ::slapping my face:: I got this.
I'm glad I got that out... whew.
