Saturday, July 30, 2011

Nut-case

Love is so psychotic. It throws you in a spindle of emotions. It constantly exercises your brain. So much that I wonder if most of the people that are in love are also insane. You are consistently jumping through a cloud of emotions aching with pain in your chest one moment and then happy as a bee the next. It makes no sense and that is the mere beauty behind it. I think this is the kind of insanity I've been craving.

Four years ago, I remember writing something that became the aftermath of that very thought I am experiencing:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it lets someone get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your independent life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you or invest time talking to you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. You start to lose touch with your every day friends and start to fixate your life around this person based off of a fairy tale idea. Love fogs the reality in your eyes and only lets you see a perfect couple illusion. Then one day you get robbed of all those ideas and reality comes crashing down on you. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'maybe we should take a break for a while' turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I wish humans had no feelings, then life would be so much easier to get by. I hate love."

I've learned my lesson and this only reminds me that I need to keep pinching myself and know that this is MY life and not his. Maybe one day, it can be ours together. I will not be stupid enough to let it happen again.

Then again, I am human.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Pondering moments at it's best

As I read what I just wrote, I realize how I am such a fool. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I have to live with a feeling completely devoted to one person. A feeling that is so vulnerably kept in the palm of their hands to fuck with. Some people find this completely simple. Maybe because they have a simple life and can accommodate a significant other. As for me, I interact with several minds and interactions throughout the day that leer me one way and then the other. I am not saying I take their opinions in deciding my own thoughts but I have seriously considered this relationship in the last 24 hours. As much I was sure, I can't be that certain anymore. I hate this. I need to stay single for my own good. Should she fly away or make it last...

ugh.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Taken

Just two months ago I was sitting here, contemplating life and if I'll ever find someone that will truly make me happy.

Story of my life.

I finally thought just five weeks ago I wasn't meant to be with anyone. I was meant to be that strong, independent, free spirit everyone in my surrounding life has grown to be used to and maybe even love about me. I have a problem, or quality depending on the perspective, of being non-committal. I don't like feeling controlled, I guess. Any time I found myself in a sticky, too-comfortable situation, I'd find a way to flee out of it. Disappear. Make excuses. I just couldn't let anyone or anything pin me down. I'm still that way. Nothing has changed. Oh, but maybe one thing. One thing that completely altered my lifestyle and that twinkle in my eye. I fall in love just about every day with something. Could be a flower, or a bird, a musical beat, a person's written words, a story, a simple item of clothing. But one has stuck and consistently brought myself to believe that I have fallen in love love. Like the love that cannot be measured or valued. I am Mikaela Bird, and I am in love.

I'm scared.

m