TORN UP

OK.

Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.

I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....

I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!

TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!

I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!

I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.

I just don't want to.

:-(