I know it's late. I just got home from watching a CRAZY movie, VACANCY. It definitely gave me the jitters. But what's worth writing about is what happened after. I saw my brother at a bar down the street and I thought Iw ould stop by and say my hellos. My brother is a businessman and is very good at it. Tonight he met some people that really appreciated that. I came in and felt like I was put in the corner for a reason! This older man he was talking to asks me simply, "what is your motivation in life?" I answer back, "My motivation is to learn from the mistakes and lessons I've made and that people around me have made to get where I want to go in life." He asks me why immediately right after and I was stumped. He was testing me not only on my quickness but to see who I am as a person. It was kinda weird not going to lie but I felt like at that moment I was looked down upon almost. This guy was surely a character. By the end of the night I became less aggitated with the man and he ended up liking me. haha figures.

Speaking of, the whole dating thing right now is definitely becoming a mess. As I spend more time with the guys that have asked me out, my strengths of my interests for each one of them are surfacing. It's like its getting down to the wire and I'm being pressed to make a choice because, in all reality, I can't juggle all of them at once. I'm not that much of a player. haha

Anyway, lately I've been blowing off my ex-boyfriend and nhanie and Doug and Justin have made it into the finalist!! haha. Just recently, I've been trying to figure out which one I can see myself with more. I realized it was Doug. I work with him so he witnesses all the drama and gossip that goes on where I work. Monday night we hang out, drink, socialize and he tells me the sweetest things and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the room. That could be because he was around mostly all my friends and in my place. Tuesday night comes around and the tables turn completely. I go over to his house and there is no attention or interest that I receive from him. I figured, meh fine I'll just wait until he cmes around and do my own thang. But he never did. IN FACT, he was spending more time with another girl that we work with and flirting with her. I would see them talking to eachother throughout the night and felt like a fool. Then the end of the night rolls around, and by that point I'm curled up in a ball almost in tears and I hear him go to her and ask if she wants to go hot tubbing!?!? I had it and I ran up the stairs in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw how pathetic I looked. So I dried my eyes, fixd my hair and came out like nothing had phased me. And there he is standing by his room asking me if I want to come in. I told him "at this point I'm ready to sleep on the couch." then he pulled me in and we talked. I found out that the reason why he chose to purposely not talk to me this whole night was because he heard I was dating other people!!! I knew someone would spill the beans. But he can't expect me to not meet guys and hang out with them RIGHT when he's just acquring all these feelings for me. I would drop them in a second IF I knew for a fact that he was going to be with me. But I told him at this point I just don't know what you want to hear. I'm dating YES but I'm not going around fucking everyone, which is probably what you're hearing from the whores that work at our restaurant. I'm DIFFERENT.

So by the end of the night I crawled in bed with him and the next morning he decides to ignore what we talked about last night, so it was kind of awkward. I just wanted to scream!! I was really building a hard crush on him! I feel like it's just gone to shit but we're see. We see eachother at work tomorrow so I guess we'll see how that goes. I feel like he's just going to take the peace card and ignore the whole thing and peace out. haha. whatever man, another reason why I just shouldn't open up my mind and feelings with someone I really like. it's so hard though. And thats all I want is to sit at home and spend all my time with one person that can make me happy and feel the same way as I do. AGH big dreamer over here right?

I just want to get away from here. Get a new job, new home, new life and know that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm making all the wrong steps and ultimately leaves me farther and farther from where I begun.

I'm going to sleep away this complexity of feelings that boggles my mind every day. RAR. life sucks sometimes man.

MOOD: tired :-( but relieved I'm finally sitting here at home by myself.
SONG: "Fall Away" by the Fray. good fuckin song man
Quote: "If you lose control you lose everything."