One thing I'd like to wrap my head around and come to terms with is sexuality. And I'm not talking about the graphic details of what it's all about. I'm merely fascinated with how one person can attract you sexually.
Most of my childhood was very healthy. I was your cliche playful, teasing, goofy, innocent -not to mention gangly- little girl that was always finding new adventures. As I turned into a young woman, hormones were rising and became something I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't comfortable in those giddy crushing situations. Most people at that age could relate right? Well, I just so happened to be completely awkward and repellent in those situations. Every time a guy would lay eyes on me, I'd figit and look around to see if I was surely the one he was looking at.
As time went on, I realized I was growing out of my awkward stage and was getting a lot of attention just by my looks. I liked the attention... at first. I felt like I was a hot commodity and someone that you'd be lucky to be with. Egotism got the best of me lets just say.
As further time went on, I started to become more aware of my intelligence and how I wanted to project myself and started to become more conservative, less flirty. Almost as if I had it out for guys, I was a strong-minded woman. I didn't take any more pick-up lines and found myself being rude to guys just because I assumed they wanted to get in my pants. This stage didn't last long.
As a little more time went on, I was lonely. A lot of my friends got into relationships and I was stuck living the single life. I started becoming more open to men, however I still had my shield on, knowing that most men were up to no good with a girl like me. I struggled trying to make flings last, and the few that did - push forward into a relationship. I soon realized then, that I didn't want to compromise this one precious life that I had. I don't like feeling set back or compromised into a life someone else wants for me. I want to live my OWN life.
Then I started exploring. I became interested in just about everything: traveling, people, stories, cultures, men and women. I wanted to see how other people lived that was different from mine. What grew on me was my attraction towards women, especially the ones that struggled with being a piece of meat towards men. AKA the pretty girls. As time went on, I found myself not only attracted physically towards men, but also women.
I don't feel like I've thoroughly explored that facet in my life, but I'm open to the idea lets just say. Women provide something that men cannot and that is no games. Most girls that I've connected with are usually very upfront, open, no bullshit type of chicks. I'm not saying that all women don't play games, just the more lesbian ones. It's comforting and refreshing to be able to have less pressure and tension and be real and raw and whatever makes you you. I'm not going to lie, I don't think I'll ever be a full-on lesbo, I don't even think I'm bisexual at this point; just bicurious. I do have a thing for men, and that's just it: MEN, Not boys. Not those that play games and throw me in vicious cycles of irrelevant arguments and drama, all based off of jealousy and decisions I make. Blah, screw that.
So, as it still stands, I am single but I've found myself falling closer and closer to better people. Ones that captivate me and might even be one day, Mikaela's... boyfriend (or girlfriend). AH! =)
No comments:
Post a Comment