Minds breaking hearts.

I try to be so many different things. I try to be this strong, undefeated superwoman that no one can hurt. I try to be a smart, witty know-it-all that no one can outsmart. I try to be a trendy, fashion-crazed rockstar that no one can out-bad ass. I try to be so many different things, you see. But what I've decided that it comes down to, is what it is that you really need from life no matter what facet of yourself you care to achieve for the day.

I've reached a point in life where I'm beginning to know who I really am. Some of the ways I've grown into are absolutely beautiful, and other parts of me I feel ashamed of; the dark side if you rather. I'm constantly feeling unfulfilled and constantly being pulled and judged in different directions. Alot of my old friends have asked themselves what the want to be and where they want to go in their life and found an answer in a reasonable amount of time. I feel like I've just dove into answering that question. My mind and personality keeps shifting in different directions that I can't ever fully answer the question unless it's a half-ass answer of what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes I can be cold and stubborn, other times I'm jealous and gossipy, then loving and compassionate, then witty and shallow. What next? What else can I POSSIBLY BE?! How do I keep meeting people that spark a different plug that I never knew existed? Shit keeps getting more confusing by the day in terms of answering that stupid question. I've come to realize, the more I get to know who I really am, the more I just don't fit in this world.

And that just boggles another question I have marinated somewhere in my bouncy mind: how the hell can I be satisfied completely with one person without letting my mind completely screw me into a lonely, ol' lady for the rest of my life? I've got the passion, the looks, the excitement. I need more to myself. I had let go of everything else that my potential self lingered off of (Swimming, school, drive, nerdy ways). My sister tells me "you had alot going for yourself, Mikaela. You could have made something great out of yourself. Why are you letting it all slip away?" Is she right? What a shitty feeling I can't seem to gulp right now.

I keep finding flaws in what I thought I wanted. I keep making excuses to not indulge myself in making a relationship last. I keep looking in the wrong directions for something that will never have a future. I know what I want. And now I finally see it. But is it the time right? Does he feel the same?

This is the time where crushes are made, games are played, and those feelings inside eat you up until you finally push it all away. I don't think I could be any crazier.