Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"at least make something of yourself, Mikaela"

Someone just opened a whole new can of worms.

I love her to death but she triggered a button this time. It comes from a good place, I know. However, when you accuse someone of something you have no idea about, which lingers merely from soccer mom gossip, I can't help but want to cringe alittle. I'm coming down off of a great adventure, and just like every other year - someone's gotta rain on the parade to flood you with reality. I get it. I've been fucking off for a while or rather falling behind - to you. To me, I have been figuring this all out. Seeing everything in a new light and taking up opportunities that lie as I live and breathe each day. I have come close to a few options as far as "making something of myself" goes just from talking to people that have followed their dreams and seeing such beautiful creations of a lifestyle I admire. Now it's a matter of acting upon it.

I need to adjust my thought process, once again. Social life, health, but mostly love. I keep searching and trying to make things work. Mutual? Probably not, but I don't care. I've wanted to make something normal - something steady for a while. A familiar body to embrace on a daily basis. An ear to be here when I need someone to leak my passionate thoughts to. A good soul and will to make something beautiful and not just shrug off. Key word - make. I can't make anything like that happen. Why can't I find anything remotely close to that since B? It's been almost 4 years since I let it go. I know I'm only 24 and life is so young for me right now, but I'm so ready for something as strong as that. I have always been. I just want magic, nothing less. hah.

I watched Remember Me last night with the famous Robert Pattinson and it had a good moral to the story. How could you possibly know that tomorrow is a promised day? What does your life mean to you? How can you make it the best in your eyes?

Don't blink twice, Mikaela. And stop sleeping in. Time is fucking precious.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

She speaks what I am

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together”

“When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons. We cease to grow.”

“There are many ways to be free. One of them is to transcend reality by imagination, as I try to do.”

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.”

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

My head is flooded with thoughts that I can seem to shake out easily. Therefore, I find myself with quotes of those who think like me. Oh, AnaĆ­s Nin, how I wish I lived in your day in age just to be your friend.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Still flying; finding a spot to land.

I realized I don't update enough for as much that goes on in my life. I've definitely been taking my life and putting it smack dab in the moment and NOW after about a month, I can finally take myself out of that moment and reflect.

I can't believe I live in a day in age that consists of a place where people can live, love, and laugh in the purest form. It is remarkable that I am fortunate to know the people I've encountered and lives I've touched just with my energy and presence. Burning Man was again the best time of the year thus far, and my life for that matter. It's seriously becoming a community that I'm a stronger part of. After my third year at the wonderful place, I get stopped by people that recognize me from years past, and that my friends is the greatest encounters.
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

This year was a strangely magnificent one, that being the weather. Of course our entrance is never graceful and this year allowed no exceptions. Our first year, we landed a flat tire a mile from the event. We could SEE it we were that close. Unfortunately our jack broke and after about hours of frustrating energy circulating throughout us, we stumble in with our lousy flat tire. Granted, it was dark and there was a heavy dust storm coming in so our placement was WAY out there. Second year, we had to wait in will call which delayed the wait by double! We finally arrive at 7 am, park our car at 9:30 and D and pass out after driving and waiting for nearly 30 hours. The weather throughout the week had its calm and crazy wind rides. I truly started loving the personality of those dream-like dust storms that can never be anticipated because of it's sporadic approach. This year, the wind and rain and freezing (literally 32 degrees) temperatures was almost unbearable. But we pulled through it of course, especially with all the extra hands we had this year. It is really unfortunate we didn't have Taylor's 32 foot trailer then. The next couple days, it rained and blew and it wasn't too much warmer. Then finally on Tuesday, the weather took a sudden turn and the rain stopped. Once the view cleared far out by the mountains, a colorful slope of a rainbow appeared. Photobucket
It started off very subtle, then it got more vivid and euphoric. Before you know it, a DOUBLE RAINBOW peaked through! We were in SUCH awe. ("What did it mean?!" haha) Of course, after that rainbow, the rest of the burn the weather was in our hands. 90 degrees, 95 degrees the next day, and I think it even reached 100! It felt hot. Speaking of......

I had a great posse this year and they all came in different groups. San Diego, San Fran, LA, Las Vegas, Seattle (basically the west side) is where we all came from. I don't know how we did it but our camp was full of smokin' hot, attractive characters. There was officially 19 of us. Could have been alittle overwhelming for the returning burners considering most of our camp were newbies, but it was a great camp nonetheless.

I'm officially blessed to be a part of this life of mine. I keep reading how I need to become something of myself in older posts. It's all for the money, the structured lifestyle, the American tradition. I guess I'm just not completely ready for that agenda yet. I am brewing a few ideas right now and hopefully I can make something out of anything this next year.
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

And now that I'm back to reality, I have a few things to finally pick up that I've been putting off for quite some time. It is now officially time to get my dad out of this house. It is now time for me to get a new j-o-b knowing that Allure is just not going to cut it and move to SEATTLE! I'm ready to make the most of it since I don't know any other way to live anyway. I am considering San Francisco in the new year or possibly San Diego, just like I had planned the year prior. We'll just have to see how the rest of this year pans out, professionally, financially, and intimately.

Oh, I love my new beginnings... how scary and exciting they can be.