Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Needy thoughts; ambitious delerium.

I have decided yesterday that I will be on a healthy kick. Today, I've managed to pass on going out but yet still eat alot of food. I'm constructing lists to enforce that I remember to make myself feel bad if I don't get it done. I need to stop being afraid. hah. That is the last thing my friends would say that I am. But that one feeling and that other one called love are the only two REAL feelings that each one of us truly feels. Everything else is branched off from that core feeling of fear and love. I read that somewhere. Makes sense right? So fear I must fight. every. day.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm not focused enough to point my finger and say THAT is what I'm supposed to do today. "Sorry friends, I can't go to the park on this fine day and have a picnic" ... "Sorry photographer, I cannot make this shoot happen for the benefit of your portfolio" ... "Sorry booze, I cannot continue to let me feel good and distract me from my obligations tomorrow." Sorry. I get it. I'm mislead into a for-now-happiness and a let-down-future. I need more. When will that fucking light bulb go on already?

Tomorrow will be my new day. I will wake up and run outside. Breathe spring's motivation and ignore the clouds around it. I am going to taste a plan tomorrow and man it's going to be sweet. A friend wants to see me but he's just going to have to wait. I can feel it taking me over into a dazzling reflection of the water's echo. I can see myself, glowing with excitement for my next, fulfilling project (whatever that may be) while allowing my partner to let his satisfied soul rest where mine is. And life will be good.

I want to have my own indoor pool where I can have private events. Splash the interior with bright, vibrant colors with lights streaming along the sides and around the pool. A ceiling of a clear, sun-fulled, blue sky with real palm trees in the corners. Maybe even a slide. And the pool takes up half the room that is half the size of a football field.

I want a clothing line filled with feathers. I want a feather-rimmed skirt with feather arm warmers and barrettes. I want feather patterns and flying birds printed on my t-shirts and skirts. Bright shirts only. I want my own dang feather symbol already.

I want to have a studio where I can create such fine pieces of material with all sorts of fabrics and buttons and a couple sewing machines, but not only that. I want a music area where I can have beautiful sounds flowing out of my room with mounds of motivation behind it. I also want a canvas in my crafty room so I can paint what I feel in my head that can't be explained and a pottery area in case I want to get my hands dirty or accidentally break dishes and need more.

I want to take amazing pictures with a 35 mm digital camera. PLEASE. I want them all to be of my traveling through the world's adventures. I want to sky dive each place I go to and I want no one to come with me.

I REALLY need voice lessons. That way I can start being more confident on stage or wherever I am.

I want to win the lottery so I can accomplish all of this. I wish I was raised in a world of non-monetary things. My goals could be accomplished much easier that way. I hope I find my nitch and I'm proud of myself for it because so far... well, I still have a ways and I'm just getting started.

I want to be crazy in a good way all the time and I want my success to prove it. That is all. Good night.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Slap-in-the-face day.

Gosh I wake up too late.

Dreaming, I blame.

The world is doomed.

My brother is leaving soon.

Life seems quiet.

...

..

.

Catching up.......... No tears, no heartbreaks, no games. Life is good but not potent enough for me. I am always craving something with more flavor and style. More beautiful problems to handle. A pleasurable misery sounds good to me. Going out remains the same, until my brother leaves that is. It's hard to say no with him around. I want more to my life all the time. And it doesn't have to be about love. I need to start making moves. I TURN 25 NEXT MONTH. yikes.

I need a life disciplinary WAKE the FUCK UP call. I keep existing in places that will never make me ultimately happy in the end.

Today, I will ponder. Let those thoughts resonate and come up with a plan to conquer and dominate and TAKE control of my life. If I don't, I will be in an undying search for it. GAH. If I could only win the lottery, I could rule this messed up, corrupt world.

At the end of the day, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. Content and ready to learn.

The end.