It's realllly late and I'm awake.

ok. I've been up all day... worked 11 hours... and why am I still up?

I can't sleep and I'm fucked if I have to work tomorrow. whatever.

life seems to be going better each day. but still not good. I keep thinking about what my life CAN be like and what I COULD be doing with it to make it better. Tonight is one of those nights.

I could have cleaned my apartment like I said I was going to two weeks ago, but nope still fuckin dirty. I swear though, every time I get set on cleaning, someone calls me to hang out and do something and shit.. I'd rather do that than sit around and CLEAN. but then I come home to this messy apartment and it brings me down. I disappoint myself somehow every single day.

Not onnnnly that, I feel shitty about not paying my aunt back. I feel shitty about being late to work AGAIN. I feel shitty about not going to school which is what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing right now. I feel shitty about all this debt I'm in. If all that could go away. I'd be level-headed. life would be a breeze.

But if everything was going wrong. every single thing in my life gone completely no where, I would have my baby to come home to and everything would be alright. ugh. I can't believe I said that because I never have felt that way about anyone else ever. I just feel so in love, in a different planet with him. Out of everyone in this world, I couldn't have come accross someone thats more suited for me. I want him in my life so badly. I'm giving all my hopes up on him and I fuckin WISH it all doesn't fall through, but even if it does I really will know how to love someone. what to look for. whos right for me. he's not a waste of time if we don't work out, he's a lesson I'll never forget. I really don't think I can find someone else out there like him though. he's one of a kind and I hope sometime soon he's all mine. If not though, I must let him go. I have to... because if I keep going on like this... I won't be happy and I'll make bad decisions and all the shit in my life thats already weighing me down will add on. I don't blame him for everything by any means but I really can't stop thinking about being with him.. it literally consumes me. hah thats how bad its gotten. I feel like I'll just keep partying and wasting away because I try to escape the fact that I haven't met him yet and it's been so damn long. I need some other sort of alternative..

ok haha I'm insane now if I don't go to sleep. I hope to god I dont have to work. pleaaaaaase amy take my shift1!!!!!!

alright, off to bed I go. hopefully I can sleep.

my prayers are with you bryan, my apple pie.