As my head is banging like a wood pecker to a tree, my throat is sore like I've been choked, and my body is randomly aching everywhere like someone is poking a needle in a doll and I'm facing the reprocutions, I write.
I hate to write only negative notes which seems to be the trend these days, so I'll try to be positive in this one.
Life recently hasn't been all that bad. I'm finally getting myself back on my feet [despite being flu-like at the present moment] and I'm finding myself around people that I really enjoy for who they are. Not that I wasn't doing that before, but for a time it seemed like I was around people that didn't help me grow as a person and influence me positively. So that's good. I guess a new year calls for a new beginning, a page turned, a new life.
I look back on my california trip, and recall the differences in my life it has brought. For one, I now am alittle more grown up. I now can define myself in a new way, since afterall it did bring out another side of me. I saw how life can really be so simple if you let it. I learned how to just be, and be content with knowing that. I figured out, even further, what I am looking for. And I finally had the courage to say goodbye to some of my friends. Well, it's easier typed than done of course. Being away, creating distance from people that were constantly in your life is what I meant. The funny thing is, now that I'm home I still don't really see them all as much. A group that was so close-knit, always going out together and causing chaos is now broken. It's like they knew I didn't just physically distance myself from them, but mentally as well. That is definitely evident. And all the while, nothing really was even said. Just felt. I gotta say, I have never felt so good being alone.
People are funny beings... I thought I needed to be surrounded by them at every waking moment, which don't get me wrong, I do still surround myself around people alot. Just not as often, mostly for work purposes. Who do I gotta impress anyway? I am perfectly fine being alone. Away from any kind of hurt a person could bear upon me. You know, the kind of hurt that only supports anguish, resentment, regrets, vulnerability, dependency, distrust, drama, distress, complications, etc. I'm not saying that this could all change. I just don't expect or crave anything anymore. I just let it happen when it happens, I've decided. Whether people want to be in my life or not, I'm just going to live it the best way I know how. Cheers to 2009! Man, I hope this year is gonna be avengeful...
Write more later after this sickness subsides.
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