System Overload

Just when I thought I had it all under control, I go into system overload.

I put in my two weeks at my job a few days back. Hellevue's hands had taken a grasp out of the purity of my free-spirited heart which acquired real, true feelings and smashed it with a bunch of egotistical, materialistic fucks, which some I've had the pleasure of working with. Basically, I need a change of scene. That place wasn't doing it for me and I had a few other things I'd rather do coming up than be tied down to this high-stress, overworking job that my life got entangled with. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss a few untainted souls that still have the dignity to continue working there, but I just couldn't. Today, I watched an outstanding movie, and later I looked up some of the memorable quotes in it and found/remembered this one:

"From the backstabbing co-worker to the meddling sister-in-law, you are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life. You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life."
— Anaïs Nin

Henry and June, what a movie to put things into perspective.

On another note, as one withers away another is blooming to life. My step grandmother passed away two weeks ago. Body was found three days later at her home and three empty half gallons of gin in the kitchen. It was not even seven months ago that my grandfather, her husband, shot himself and diminished my grandmothers' purpose in life. It was sad to hear the end of these two lives that had simply given up. The day before my sister had found out by the police, she called our grandmother to tell her she was pregnant. Little did she or anyone else know, our grandmother was long gone. Crazy how life works like that. By the way, if you just skimmed through that last statement I'll make it more clear right now by saying: MY SISTER IS PREGNANT. Holy wow. I know I'm an aunt of 5 already but my little booper butt sister is seriously pregnant and loving it. I'm freaked out scared for her since she's been having alot of life trials lately and hasn't really been 'stable' in any sense of the word. All I do know is that she will be an extraordinary mother and love that baby in every single way. Knowing that, I can take my scared self down a notch. BAH!

Moving on...

I have had a very interesting outlook on life lately and it's simply off of this one question I keep asking myself whenever I feel like I'm in a fork in the road. What is your purpose in life Mikaela? Life's purpose isn't simply about becoming something. As we listen to our inner childhood dreams and learn how what truly makes us happy, it is then we can take that next step towards finding one's purpose. It is only then when we grow up and get to know ourselves more and the possibilities of who we can become. Screw loathing in fear, failure, insecurities, and other's opinions of how they want you to live. When you see me sitting there not looking at you in the eye and instead wandering into the space in the air, with my hands folded in between my legs and my body is shifted away from you, I've checked out of the conversation therefore saying that the quality you provide in my life is LOW. It is at this new chapter in my life, where I will gravitate towards strong-willed, strong-minded and a better sense of living that I know a few people have in them. Nothing less.

On that note, I met a new friend named Taylor. She's tall and skinny like me except more so in every way. She has a very chill sense about her. Likes to reflect on everything and find meanings beyond whats obvious. I fear she may have a guy problem but I'm slowly oozing my sense of self-righteousness above all men on her. She's warming up to it. She's just afraid of the repercussions of her actions, which is valid, but also not valid. Who cares about tomorrow when you don't know if you'll be around then? No regrets and limitations is what I've been living by if you're just tuning in. But yeah. Basically, everything about her I adore. We've become "two peas and a pod" her mom says. Her mom = my mom. Her every ounce of love in her, view on life, her hippie and hip ways, shit.. even the handwriting. I think I might adopt her as my new mommy.

Can't forget my other loves: Dylan and Adam.. Other than that, there isn't anyone else really that does it for me at this very moment in my life. Sadly enough, I only REALLY want to hang out with these three people as much as possible. They are all my addiction, in other words. Everyone else are either fillers, hot nights, or random old best friends that I've become distant with over the years and get to see once in a clear sky in Seattle.

Let's just brush over the hot nights since everyone would like to know. The whole living-in-the-moment-without-any-limitations doesn't necessarily go for the men I've been dating. To be quite frank, I preach for my high quality friends and lately have been going for the typical cocky white guys. WHY O WHY you ask? I have an eye and that eye has been craving the candy over her daily vegetables lately. I know, I shouldn't and I lecture friends all the time about this, but I haven't been able to help myself with dating the physically date-able. I do however have control when it comes to hitting the sack. It amuses me when I don't give them what they want, or expect out of an intimate night of simply hanging out and getting to know eachother. Does it always have to be about sex?? I need to find a fucking boyfriend and get it over with. But who and where do I find this practically invisible, nonexistent man?

Oh life. It's time to lay this bouncing-off-the-walls mind of mine to rest. Goodnight to a strange but very exciting life.