It seems like I only tend to write negativity in here but all the posivity in my life right now is either fake or an altered state of mind. I think I could be depressed if I didnt have people to turn to. I am living in a very intense time of my life and I'm LOST. Not having a mother is hard enough, but now I've lost a father too - at least for a very long time. I feel no love from him anymore these last few days I am here living with him. As I'm sobbing here writting this, I hear my dad storming off in a tantrum and throwing anything of mine down the stairs. He claimed he has provided for me for 20 years. providing what... yeah alllll the material things. I have only lived with him 3 years of my entire life and all the rest of the years we would see him twice a year for a week and it would be the best fake time of my life. Since I've lived with him, he lost his ex wife (my mom), his fourth wife which was long overdue, and he lost his job and didnt get another one for 2 years after. He could be having a major crisis in his life and I know I'm only adding on to it. I tried to do what he told me but it never seemed to be enough. I came to a point of never being around. I didnt want to face him or deal with his bitching so I avoided it all together. I realized that I could have tried harder to make him more proud of me but there came a time when I started losing respect for him. The more I'm hurt from his words and his anger for me the more respect I lost for him. I started inviting people over when he was out of town because I didnt care, even though he specifically told me not to. I would always clean up the mess and make it like it was before but he found out one way or another that I had people over... and knowing that I defied him made him feel powerless. He claimed that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because I had a few people over ON my birthday while he was out of town. But I think he just forgot and since hes limited on his money he wouldnt want to blow some of what he still has on me.
I think what I learned about him is that in a way, we are alike, alike in ways where its easy for us to butt heads. We are both very stubborn and arguementative so our arguements tend to keep rising and rising until I walk away. I admit, I do let my feelings exaggerate the truth, and god knows he does too because we are both very emotional and sensitive beings. And we both hate the fact that we talk down about one another to other people. All these things plus our very different lifestyles make it difficult to live together. I'm tired and I just wish I could be a kid again. Thats where all the memories of my father and I seemed so wholesome and secure. But then again, it could have all very well been surreal.
alright, thats all I feel like writing about because thats all I feel right now and I'm so worn out. It's getting so hard to keep trying anymore. This is when I need parents to give me some positive reinforcement and stability. Fuck life right now. And on top of all this mess, I haven't been able to talk bryan in a few days. Sometimes, I just want to yell at him for not being there, but its not even worth it to me. whaaaatever.
Away from reality and into unconsciousness I go.......
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