since I've written in this meaningless blog that no one reads... I ponder about why my life has gone upside down. I'm not in school right now. NEVER thought I would take a break so soon but I couldnt imagine how much of a struggle it would be if I went right now. I'm barely even at home anymore... well not home but the house in bellevue. I say that because I'm moving out soon... or, getting kicked out. My fathers relationship with me, I'd say, is probably at the all-time low right now. I've never felt so unloved and unwanted as a daughter. Maybe once I move out and get completely on my own we can at least be acquaintances but as for now he's an eye-glaring stranger that I'm afraid of ... and live with.
Anyway, these last few monthes has been a crazy rollercoaster of a ride. no joke... if my life had a psychological problem it would be bipolar... I never know what to expect. I just got a decent job at the RockBottom Brewery and I might work at Joey's soon so thats a good getaway from the ride. Thank God I have the friends that I do though because it keeps me sane... they are like one of these blog journals that I can tell anything to and know that it wont backfire on me. There was a time in my life where I didnt have that and all I had was a journal to write in to let out the scrambled, mind-consuming feelings going on in my head. that was 10 years ago...
One of those mind-consuming feelings I have is for this special guy. Sometimes I wonder how I got myself to like him so much to the point that now I'm in love with him and everything about him. I just can't ever seem to get enough though. And the crazy thing about it isss................. I've never even MET him. SO Think I'm insane. Laugh in my face. Hang the phone up on me because youre frustrated for me. I don't care and I can't possibly turn back now- I've never felt like this in my life. If I turn back now, I'm going to live in a regret. I need him... I crave the man... I know he's real... and I don't care what anyone else thinks. Right now, its been hard, so hard with the moving, being broke, and getting around my father that gets me aggitated when I can't see him - who could make it all better. I have to make this happen ... and if this doesn't happen soon I feel like I'm going to make a mistake. I could go on about this man until this journal wouldn't let me type anymore words but I'll save it for the next blog. Bryan, I love you damnit.... stop being a pussy haha
ok! now I'm going to pack my life out of my house and into another of more freedom and hopefully some thrill... shit.
later thoughts...
-Mik (haha BB -Big Bird-)
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