I've gone crazy.

ok...

so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.

ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.

I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.

I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH